At the Risk of Forgetting

by A. M. Wilson

  It was different now.

  Those moments were now nights spent in the other’s bed. Kisses turned to passionate sex. The hopes of the future had seemed more attainable than ever. Losing him now... there was no going back from that. I’d tasted the sweetness of having him in my life as an adult, and that addiction would follow me for the rest of my life.

  I wiped beneath my eyes with my thumb and index finger, careful not to smear my eyeliner, and walked back to Evelyn on the couch.

  Her face held a concern she shouldn’t be feeling for me. I was her mother. She was my concern, not the other way around.

  I swallowed my guilt and curled up in the recliner beside the sofa. It was out of its usual place, because neither Law or I could seem to stand being more than two feet away from her.

  “Why are you guys fighting with each other?” Straight to the point. I would’ve been proud if I wasn’t annoyed.

  “Adults have disagreements, honey. Nothing for you to worry about right now.” Reaching out, I combed her hair with my fingers.

  “You’ve been disagreeing for weeks, now. I don’t like it. I don’t like it because it makes you sad, and I don’t like it because I don’t want him to leave and never come back.”

  My hand froze.

  When did she become so perceptive? And how did I answer that?

  “Do you know where he’s going right now?”

  I held my breath as I awaited her response. I wasn’t above using my fourteen-year-old for information. Besides, I was going somewhere with this.

  She nodded. Her mouth fell open, and then she snapped it closed and moved her gaze out the window.

  “What is it?”

  She shrugged. “He said he had to go back home for a while. And, that he didn’t know when he’d be back.”

  Did home mean his house or did home mean Logansville?

  She looked at me, and what I saw in her eyes nearly stopped my heart. “He likes you, mom. He didn’t tell me that, but I know he does. I see how he looks at you when you aren’t paying attention. And, I like having him here. I’ve never had a dad before, and I know he’s not my dad. He said he doesn’t have any kids, but he should. I don’t know what it’s like, having a real dad, but I think he’s doing things a dad would do and I like that.

  “And,” she bit her lip, suddenly nervous. “Well, if you don’t like him, I think you should; because he likes you and I like him, and we could be like a real family or something. I don’t know...” Her voice trailed off and she pulled her blanket over her head.

  I was completely speechless.

  Scratch that on her being perceptive. This wasn’t perception, this was her living in a fourteen-year-old’s imaginary world. I knew the damn feeling all too well.

  “Evelyn,” I called gently. I wanted to see her face as we talked about this. Letting her down was going to hurt us both.

  My fingertips grazed the blanket over her head, but her choked voice made me pause. “Don’t. Leave it,” she cried hysterically.

  Why was she crying?

  I peeled the blanket over her head anyway, and she didn’t fight me. The sight of her tear–streaked face tore my heart into pieces. “Oh, Evelyn,” I sighed. “What’s going on, honey? This is more than me fighting with Law.”

  Her lower lip quivered in a way that told me she was on the verge of breaking down. I slid out of the recliner onto my knees beside the couch and pulled her into my arms. “Talk to me.”

  “It’s just that I don’t have a dad, and he’d make a really good dad.”

  My arms tightened and gave her a shake. “But, you have a pretty awesome mom.”

  Her breath hitched as she tried to suppress a sob. “Maggie didn’t have a dad. She only had a mom, and her mom d-d-died. Now, she’s all alone.”

  Oh, god.

  I knew she hadn’t been dealing well with the loss of Lori. We missed the service, because Evelyn was still in the hospital after having another surgery. I think it made her feel guilty. I tried having a therapist talk to her, and she opened up some, but it seemed the only thing to help the grief would be time.

  What she never shared was this fear of losing me and being alone.

  A lump formed in my throat, and I blinked back tears of my own. It took everything in me to keep my voice steady and reassuring when it’d be so much easier to cry with her.

  “Evelyn, look at me.”

  I expected her to be hesitant, but her tear–filled eyes shot to mine, wide and searching, as if I held all the answers in the world. I wished I did. The only thing I could do was try my best and help her understand.

  “The world can be a terrifying place. I wish I could tell you differently, but bad things happen to good people all the time. It’s horrible and unfair, and the sucky part is, there’s not a whole lot we can do about it. Maggie’s mom didn’t cause that accident. The black ice did. There wasn’t anything anyone could have done to stop it from happening, and that sucks baby, it sucks a whole lot. Lori was a beautiful person. A great mom, a good friend to us. We’re going to miss her for a long time.” I wiped away the tears rolling down her cheeks. More followed, but the gesture comforted me. “But you need to understand that you are loved. So loved. You need to understand that even when bad things happen, that love will help you through it.

  “If, God forbid, anything happened to me, your Aunt Kiersten would be there in a heartbeat. I also know deep down, even if he and I don’t always get along, that Law would be, too. He would never, ever leave you to fend for yourself.”

  It was true. He and I could hate each other for the rest of our lives, but now that he knows the truth, he won’t go anywhere. She’s his family, and Law’s nothing if not loyal.

  I loathed myself for my past mistakes and having to hurt Law not only once, but twice. I got Evelyn out of the mess I made the first time, and out of the second, I gave her the one person who I’d trusted with my life. It was past time I learned to forgive myself, because both of those were things I couldn’t bring myself to regret.

  “How can you be sure?”

  “Because. Once upon a time, I knew him better than I knew anybody. Before Kiersten, before you were born, before my brother died, I had Law, and he was my best friend. That might have been what feels like an eternity ago, but those good qualities in people, honey, they’re made in the beginning, so I know. I know he’s not going anywhere for you.”

  “They are?”

  “Mmhm.” I gave her another squeeze. “It’s also how I know you’re going to be a wonderful, kind, selfless person, because that’s who you are now. That’s not going to change. But, honey?” I waited to continue until I had her full attention, because I needed to make sure she understood this next part.

  Using the blanket, she dried the last of the tears off her cheeks. “Yeah?”

  “I’m sorry you’re missing out on not having a dad. But I need to know you understand that’s not what Law is to you. You need to let him be in your life, how he can, and not make him feel like he has to be something he isn’t.”

  “I still think he’d be a good dad,” she mumbled, but there was a spark of attitude that told me she got me.

  “Evelyn.”

  “I understand, mom.”

  “Good. Also, I love you more than enough for two parents, so you’re pretty lucky.”

  “I love you, too.”

  We stayed cuddled for a while, talking quietly about making a visit to Maggie soon. Once her sadness trickled away, she bounced back into my Evelyn and suggested we played a game. After nearly three hours of Monopoly, which she won, I made us gourmet mac ‘n cheese (from a box), and we ate dinner in front of the TV, watching Grey’s Anatomy.

  Too many people died in this damn show. I spent half the time blinking back tears and the other half trying to not choke on my mac ‘n cheese.

  14.

  Law lowered the glass of whiskey to his chest, leaned back in the black leather office chair, and regarded the disordered mess of papers scattered ove
r the oak surface of the desk. The evening light seeped through the drawn shades surrounding him; the four-seasoned porch bathed in a dim glow. One lamp was lit, the one to his right, and a single spotlight shone directly on the cream envelop he found just that evening. Days had passed, drunk off alcohol and the desperation to find evidence, anything to prove or disprove what she said.

  It never crossed his mind that his father, the man who gave him a life full of support and encouragement, not only when he lost his babies and his cheating ex-wife but all the time, was hiding something.

  Cleaning out the house months ago, in the old office files, Law only came across one thing that seemed strange. Even then, the single explanation that seemed feasible for the monthly deposit into a secret bank account was that it was business related. The account was in his father’s name, a high interest savings account at a different bank than the one he used for his regular finances.

  That was it. It was also the clue that led to him the envelope.

  He’d been in town for a week when, hungover and desperate, he wracked his brain for a clue. It was then he remembered the bank account.

  In turn, he decided to check for a safety deposit box. And with luck, he’d found one.

  In the box holding a stack of bonds and investments that Law had intended to deal with later was the envelope. The moment his eyes hit the looping scrawl, he knew it was the one.

  Now he just had to convince himself to open it.

  There was only so much a man could take, and when it came to the woman he loved, he wanted to take everything. Love, however, was an emotion like any other, and sometimes, it wasn’t enough.

  He’d wanted it to be. For years, it was. The love he’d carried for her never left. Fuck, laying eyes on her in that coffee shop for the first time since she’d disappeared from his life, that love came surging back.

  There hadn’t been a doubt in his mind; from that moment forward, he was going to have her. It wouldn’t be easy. They both had their work cut out for them, but she had belonged to him. Always.

  But hearing those words come from her mouth, the truth he saw in her eyes and what that meant about what he knew about his life, it eviscerated him.

  His life had been a lie.

  That father of his, who seemed to selflessly provide him with his heart’s desires, had been a mirage. Like the illusion of water in the desert, the closer her words brought Law to the truth, the faster it dried up.

  Poof.

  Gone.

  Answers waited in front of him, but all he seemed capable of was lifting that glass to his mouth, taking a hefty swallow, and setting it back down.

  Repeat.

  So much time had passed that the dim light faded, and a blackness crept out of the angles of the room.

  The chair beneath him creaked when he shifted his weight. Law’s head fell back and he rubbed a hand over his eyes, willing himself to get it over with.

  Her ghostly voice echoed in his ear, urging him.

  Pick it up. Pick it up, Law. Pick it up.

  He picked it up, turning the smooth cream paper in his fingertips.

  Open it!

  Law ran his thumb over his name written on the front. It was his full name, a name he’d loathed since he was a kid. She used to call him that when she was ticked and trying to make him the same.

  Why he tried to force her to call him that in Arrow Creek, he didn’t know. It was more torturous to him than it was to her, he’d put money on it.

  Law pulled his Leatherman from his pocket, switching the blade up with his thumb, and in one fluid movement, sliced the envelope open. Inside were two pieces of lined paper, folded into thirds.

  He leaned forward and drained the rest of his drink in one swallow. Resting his elbows on the desk, he retrieved the letter and opened it.

  Lawrence,

  To say the diagnosis of Pancreatic Cancer is a relief is an understatement. By the time you read this, I’ll be dead, and I know that won’t stop you from wishing I were alive so you could kill me yourself. Believe me, son, I understand. Too many times over the years I wanted to take the coward’s way out. The pain of the heinous things I’d done was unbearable, but living through each and every day after was my penance, and mine alone to bear. Taking my own life would have only served to add another loss in your life, something you’ve had more than your share of since you were sixteen years old.

  As I write this, I am still shocked to know this secret has lived on. When I sent her away fourteen years ago, I thought it was only a matter of time until she came back. Weeks turned into months, turned into years without sign of her, even after her own brother died. I waited. I was always waiting for that moment the other shoe would drop, and she would come back to demand her due.

  I know I’m rambling. This isn’t easy to tell you, after of living a lie for so long. I’m going to come out and say it now, and son, I hope you have it in you to forgive her. Forgive her, because the sole responsibility for what happened lies on my shoulders.

  I raped her, and she got pregnant.

  I’m ashamed to say how long it took me to believe that it wasn’t just sex, but there’s no responsibility I can place on her. She was sixteen, that in and of itself is rape by the definition of the law, but besides that, she didn’t come onto me. She didn’t want me. If she could have, she would have said no.

  You don’t want the details; in fact, they’ll only hurt you, but I’m giving them to you, anyway. My hope is that you will understand, and in the chance your paths cross again, you can forgive her.

  You told me how you broke her heart. What I hid from you is that I already knew that. She came to our house after school that day. She was upset and crying. I was upset and drunk.

  Something else I hadn’t shared with you, until right now, is that I knew about your mother’s affair long before we told you. We waited until you were out of high school to split up, but the week before this happened, I knew. And to deal with that, I spent a lot of time drunk.

  I found Cami crying on your bed that afternoon. Nothing I said calmed her, so I went to get her a drink of water. To this day, I don’t know what crossed my mind. I’d blame the alcohol, but that doesn’t make it right. I drugged her with your mother’s muscle relaxers. I thought they’d help her relax, so I crushed two in her drink. How she didn’t taste them, I’ll never know.

  You need to know she never consented. I touched her and kissed her, and I think she was too shocked to do anything. Within minutes, she was unconscious. By that point, I’d lost control and couldn’t make myself stop. Nothing I say will make you understand my decision, and my thoughts and feelings are unimportant, so I’ll leave it at that.

  She came to me weeks later, pregnant, and when I’d suggested it, refused to have an abortion. That’s another thing I’ll never understand. So much could have been avoided by a simple procedure, but I was far too selfish to respect her decision. Instead, I’d forced her away, offering her cash and monthly support in exchange for her disappearance.

  Cami took the cash, ten grand, but refused the monthly payments.

  And as you know, she never came back.

  If you never see her again, I at least hope you can forgive her for leaving. She stuck up for what she believed in and proved her strength.

  I, on the other hand, look forward to the day this cancer kills me, and my final debt will have been paid.

  I love you, son. You don’t have to forgive me and I don’t expect you to, but learn to let the past go before it kills you, too.

  Dad

  P. S. There’s a saving’s account with County Living Financial with my name on it. See to it that the lawyer gets that money to Cami. There’s no price that will change what I did to her, but I hope it helps.

  Law braced, hand gripping the corner of the oak desk as the bile rushed up his throat, and there on the floor of his father’s office, he vomited.

  15.

  As days turned to weeks, I went straight passed concerned into pissed
. Law hadn’t come back. Seventeen days had passed since he walked out of our lives, and there’d been radio silence ever since.

  I went so far as to drive by his house, on more than one occasion, and each time it was dark. His truck wasn’t in the drive. Day or night. He hadn’t even left the porch light on. All of that led me to believe when he told Evelyn he was going home, he meant Logansville. The thought concerned me.

  It crossed my mind recently how the timing of things really sucked. Law’s dad had passed away last November, and there’d been no shortage of guilt that if I’d told him the truth when I first ran into him in September, he could have had a chance at closure with his father.

  It’s all conjecture at this point.

  I could wonder and assume things until I was blue in the face. The reality was, I didn’t have an honest clue about what Law was feeling after I told him the truth. He could’ve hated me, his father, the both of us, himself. Not knowing, and knowing he wasn’t here and hadn’t been in seventeen days (and counting, even though I told myself I wasn’t), was what ate me up inside.

  I’d lain awake at night hoping he’s safe. He’d shared a bit about his past, his life with Steph, and it burned me knowing I’d hurt him, once again, when he’d already suffered a lifetime of hurt.

  Those thoughts lasted about a week, maybe two, and then I got angry.

  Mostly because he’d let Evelyn down.

  She’d started therapy for her hips, which was a struggle to work around. She had nerve damage and numbness that we didn’t know if it would be permanent. It wore on her. Not feeling like her old self and not knowing if she ever would again or if this was her new reality. Add that to the emotional trauma from the accident and Law’s disappearance, and I was worried about her wellbeing.

  Any attempts I made talking to her or cheering her up failed miserably.

  The light in all of this was that tomorrow she was going back to school for the first time since winter break, and I hoped getting out of the house and seeing her friends put a smile back on her face.