At the Risk of Forgetting

by A. M. Wilson

  It was like a storm cloud parked over our house. Bad moods ran rampant. Even Kiersten showed up after picking up some groceries, cursing.

  “I am swearing off men. Done. Never again. I’d rather be celibate for the rest of my life.”

  “You and me both, sister,” I grumbled and moved a pork roast from the grocery sack to the freezer. When I turned around, she was cocking an eyebrow at me. “What?”

  “You’ve sort of already done that. This is about me. And my uncontrollable love of co—Ow!ˮ The pyramid of cans she was juggling slipped, and one hit her square in the toe. She dropped to her ass and cradled it.

  “That’s why we don’t talk like a sailor when children are in the house.” Goodness, Evelyn was right down the hall.

  “I hate you. I’m done. Put your own groceries away and give me some ice.”

  I stuck out my tongue. “You love me and you’re just pissy because you’re sex deprived.” I handed her a bag of frozen peas.

  She leaned in my direction and hissed, “No, I’m pissy because Rhett eats my pussy like a god and suddenly decided he doesn’t want to anymore!”

  I sucked in a breath so hard my saliva shot down my windpipe. “Jesus,” I croaked, choking on my own spit. “Oh, my god, shut up!”

  “I know,” she responded miserably. “This is what happens to me. I find a guy, we have the most amazing, mind-blowing sex, and then they disappear. I’m not that crazy, am I?” She must have seen the look on my face, because she added, “Don’t answer that. Rhetorical question.”

  “I think the problem is you find all sex mind-blowingly-amazing and get attached.”

  She shrugged. “What can I say?”

  I was putting away what felt like eighteen bags of Doritos when a crazy idea came to me. I felt it so strongly in my gut that my hand froze mid-air, clutching the bag so hard I was sure it would pop. “Hey, so... crazy idea.” Instead of putting it away, I dropped the chips to the counter.

  “What’s that?” Kiersten stopped inspecting her toe to look up. I was a shit actress, but I tried my best to be nonchalant.

  “Maybe you should go on a date with Nathan.”

  Her eyebrows creased a little and her mouth twisted to the side. She pulled the corners down, then gave a quick shrug. “Yeah, maybe. He’s cute.”

  “Really? Want me to nudge him in your direction?”

  She grinned and stuck out her hand. “Nah. I like to play with my mouse before I eat it.”

  Of course, she did. Reaching down, I gripped her hand and helped her up, taking the peas from her and putting them back in the freezer.

  “Now that the groceries are put away, whatchya making for dinner?”

  I rolled my eyes. “Seriously, if you don’t get in touch with Nathan, I’m doing it for you. You’d be so less annoying if you were somebody’s girlfriend. At least you could annoy them instead of me.”

  Kiersten started to defend herself, but a knock sounded at the door. “Is that who I think it is?”

  The same thought crossed my mind seeing as she was here, Nathan and I still weren’t exactly BFF’s, and the only other person who’d show up unannounced would be Law. Immediately, my earlier ire resurfaced. “It sure as hell better not be.”

  A buzzing began in my ears, and my hands curled into fists. I didn’t want to be angry with him. We’d had enough arguments to last a lifetime. It was just if I had to pick an emotion to show him right now, anger was the safest. If he didn’t want anything to do with me, then I didn’t want to show him I cared. That I’d been worried about his disappearance. Vulnerability was a weapon, and I was determined not to let him hurt me again.

  I checked the peephole, in control enough to not go pissed-off-momma-bear on some unsuspecting girl scouts, and sucked in sharply at what I saw.

  A hand braced on either side of the doorway, Law stood on my porch with his head hanging between his arms. As if he sensed me watching him, he looked up. Anguish scored through me at the raw, red rims of his eyes and the purple circles beneath them.

  “Open the damn door, Cami.” His voice pled raggedly and barely controlled.

  I lowered from my tip toes and began flipping the locks. Footsteps padded down the hall, and the unmistakable clunk of Evelyn’s crutches followed, but I didn’t look in that direction. My only focus was getting that door open before my heart squeezed so tightly that it stopped.

  The door flew open and a blast of icy air hit me.

  Law’s hands dropped from the wood frame. He took a step forward. That was all he got before Evelyn burst past at a speed that wasn’t conducive to her safety, and slammed into him. No hesitation, he wrapped her up tight in his arms.

  I held it together. Barely. From my peripheral, I could see Kiersten trying to catch my eye, but looking at her would have me falling apart. I kept it in check by clenching my jaw and staring straight ahead. This moment would have been a whole lot sweeter if I knew where I stood with Law. Seeing as I didn’t, it hurt.

  They exchanged words that were too quiet for me to hear, and when they came apart, Evelyn was smiling. That didn’t hurt so much as it was bittersweet. So much so, my throat went dry.

  “Um, Evelyn and I were just going to get some ice cream. Do either of you want anything?” Kiersten interjected.

  Evelyn piped in excitedly. “Yeah, mom. Russell’s has this new triple chocolate ganache if you want to try it.”

  “That sounds,” the scratchy words forced me to stop to clear my throat, “that sounds great, honey, sure. Let me give you some money.”

  I turned in search of my purse. A minute alone would be good, but I didn’t make it a step before Law’s voice came at me.

  “It’s on me. I’ll take one, too.” He pulled his wallet from his back pocket and curled a twenty into Evelyn’s hand.

  “Thank you,” I whispered to Kiersten as she passed. What I was thanking her for, I didn’t know.

  What I did know was that after seventeen days, Law showed up on my doorstep, and I was interested in what he had to say without my daughter around to eavesdrop. Kiersten took care of that problem. Proving, as always, that she was the best friend a person could have.

  Together, me standing in the entry and him on the porch, we watched them drive away. A wind whipped out of nowhere, blasting icy crystals across my cheeks. I trembled from the cold.

  “In,” he commanded, then his big body was there pushing me back into the house. Throwing the door closed behind him, he twisted the locks and toed out of his boots. “Bedroom.”

  My spine stiffened in shock. “You’re out of your damn mind if you think after disappearing for seventeen days, you can just come back in here and order me to lie down for you like some submissive sex toy.”

  His brows shot up, nearly disappearing beneath the hair hanging over his forehead. “You know about submissives?”

  Considering he knew about my near-virginal sex status, I may have just told my childhood-love-turned-enemy that I read erotica. What could be more embarrassing than that?

  “You want to talk, then talk.” Changing the subject seemed like a great idea.

  “You’ve been counting how long I’ve been gone.” The roughness of his voice took my breath away. I’d missed it, missed him, even though I couldn’t admit it out loud.

  “It wasn’t hard to when my daughter felt your absence more than anything else.”

  Law swallowed hard and ran a hand over his messy hair. I tracked the movement with my eyes, fighting the urge to reach out. I didn’t mean to throw that in his face. To me, it was understandable that he left.

  “You can’t do that again, Law. You can’t do that to her. Either you’re here or you’re not, but you can’t keep going back and forth. I’m not going to do anything to stop you from having a relationship with her, whatever form that happens to take, but make a decision and stick with it. You and I might not get along, but you’re hurting her more than anyone else.”

  “You’re right, and I’m sorry.”

  My j
aw dropped. Did he just... did that really happen? Did he apologize?

  I didn’t get the chance to ask. With one big step, he closed the space between us, pressed me against the wall, and caged me in with his arms. The breath left my lungs in a whoosh and it felt like my heart stuttered to a stop. “What’s happening?” I whispered, breathless.

  “You and I, we need to talk. In the bedroom. Because if those two come back and we’re not done talking, I don’t want that to be a reason to stop.” His eyes dropped to my lips, and he ran his tongue over his bottom one. “Once that’s over, we’ll do other things.”

  The tip of my tongue tingled with a question to that statement, but I swallowed it down. I wasn’t going to ask. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to know.

  “Um, you need to let me go so we can.”

  He straightened and slid his arms away, leaving me feeling oddly alone. “Lead the way.”

  I closed my bedroom door behind him, resisting the urge to rest my forehead against it, and turned around. The room was bathed in darkness except for a sliver of blue light coming from the master bathroom. Law became a silhouette moving fluidly through the darkness before my bedside lamp clicked on.

  “Come and sit,” he called, dropping himself onto my bed.

  “I’d rather stand.”

  “Cami, please. I’m not here to fight with you. I haven’t...I haven’t slept. I haven’t been able to stop thinking.”

  Now that he mentioned it, I remembered his face when I answered the door. The shadows of my bedroom played tricks with the angles of his face, making it even more weary and drawn. Releasing a sigh, I climbed up and sat cross-legged in the center of the bed.

  Law didn’t waste any time launching in to what he had to say. “I went back home to Logansville,” he began, fiddling with a loose string on my bedspread, his eyes drawn downward to study his movements. They came back to mine. “Do you remember? The day with my dad?”

  I made to get off the bed. “We don’t need to talk about this.” Panic crawled beneath my skin like a colony of ants. Wiping my hands over my arms didn’t make it stop. “Please, Law, can we just move on?”

  “Stop.” The gruff command froze me in my attempt to flee. He closed his eyes. When he opened them, they appeared wet in the dim light. “We can’t move on until we talk, and I can tell you right now that I’d very, very much like to move on with you, instead of without you. So please, take a breath, and answer me,” he pled. “What do you remember from that day?”

  My lip trembled as memories flashed through my head. “I haven’t exactly spent time reliving it over the years, but I torture myself with the guilt every day.”

  He flinched. “But do you remember from the moment you saw my dad until the... end?” he hesitated, as if the word got stuck in his throat.

  My earlier anger quickly returned. “Yes! I remember. I remember crying on your bed. I remember your dad coming in when I thought nobody was home. I remember him bringing me a drink.” Law’s eyes flashed, but I kept going, unable to stop. “Him telling me I was beautiful and that I didn’t deserve to be crying. He called you an idiot and then told me he could show me how to feel good. Yes,” I spat the word that sat like acid on my tongue. “I remember.”

  He opened his jacket and dug around inside what must have been an interior pocket, as his face changed into a weird mixture of relief tinged with sadness. I didn’t understand it. I didn’t understand any of this. He stayed silent, but I wasn’t.

  “I’ve lived that moment of betrayal a thousand times since then, wondering why I didn’t do anything to stop it. The only conclusion I’ve come up with is that I wanted to hurt you back.”

  “No, Cami, you didn’t.”

  My brow creased as confusion stole over me. “I’m sorry?”

  Paper crinkled, and he produced a letter from his pocket. “I found this at my dad’s house. You need to read it.”

  A shiver raced through me at the thought of even touching that paper. “I can’t.”

  He shook it in front of my face and gentled his voice. “You have to.”

  I didn’t want to touch that paper. I didn’t want to look at it.

  When I took the paper from his fingers, it trembled in front of my face. I hardly got past the first sentence before my eyes burned with unshed tears. The man who penned the letter wasn’t about to get any more of my pain, so with a steely breath, I shoved them away.

  Thoughts raced throughout my head as I read the lies a dying man wrote desperately to his son. I couldn’t make sense of it. Why would he say these things? Why would he, a decade and a half after forcing me to walk away from the person I dreamed of most, act like the mistake was his all along? Did he think taking blame would make him a better person and pave his pathway from hell into heaven?

  Would it make it right in Law’s eyes and redeem me even after the monstrous things I’d done?

  This wasn’t happening; this fictional picture he painted of our past. My hands shook so hard the words ran together as I tried to read the last few lines. Acid burned in my throat, but I choked it down in a race to get to the end.

  Two types of memories of that night flitted through my head—the one I remembered and the one his father wrote down. They flipped back and forth so quickly that confusion set in and anger welled up inside me like an over inflated balloon. I remembered it all, didn’t I?

  Just like the last time, the memory always cut off right after he’d kissed me. Snap shots existed in my mind. Specific sensations, mostly. What I couldn’t do was relive the memory from beginning to end. Not because I chose not to, but because the pieces weren’t all there.

  When I read the last line, I wanted to set fire to the letter and erase the words from my head.

  “Why?” I choked, losing the precarious grip on my emotions. When I brought my gaze back to Law’s I was surprised to see the confusion there. I didn’t know what he expected me to feel, relief perhaps, but I felt nothing. I felt numb.

  “What is it you’re asking?”

  “Why,” I began quietly, but as I spoke, that hold severed, and my unease swept forth like a raging river. “Why would you make me read this? Why would you do this to me, after everything I’ve done to keep myself away from you? Do you think this is helpful?” I smacked the papers so hard, the sound like a cracked whip reverberated around the room. “Do you think, after what he put me through, I want to hear anything that he had left to say? What is the matter with you?” I screeched, the paper slipping from my fingers in my desperation to crawl off the bed.

  Law hooked me with an arm around my abdomen and pulled my back into his chest.

  I fought. The pain was too deep, and I fought to get away. Tears raced down my cheeks, blinding me. I couldn’t do this anymore. I couldn’t listen to what he had to say.

  “Calm down, baby. Don’t you see? This wasn’t your fault. It wasn’t your fault, at all.”

  Oh, but it was. How didn’t he see that?

  The fight leaked out of me, and I went limp in his arms. This was over. That was more clear to me now than ever.

  He misinterpreted and buried his face in my hair, sighing. Holding me tighter.

  But that didn’t stop the trembling.

  “Let go of me.”

  His lips touched my ear. “I don’t want to let you go again for the rest of my life.”

  “I loved you,” I murmured dejectedly.

  “I loved you, too, Cami. I still do.”

  “No. I loved you. I nearly killed myself in order to spare you. I fought to build a life for Evelyn and me that I knew you’d respect, even though you hated me, and I knew you’d never see it. I still lived my life with you in the back of my mind, like a shadow no amount of light would erase. I missed you, even though I knew you weren’t coming back.”

  He wasn’t getting me. “I am back. I’m back now.”

  “You aren’t back,” I sighed, and this time when I fought to get up, he let me go. Scrambling off the bed, my feet hit the floor, and I cross
ed to the other side of the room.

  He tilted his head and waited.

  I swallowed thickly. “My Law loved me with my flaws. When I made mistakes, he embraced them. Now I know, better than anybody, that I fucked up beyond repair, but I am not, and never will be, a victim.”

  It was his turn to drop his mouth open. “Cami...”

  “You don’t get to tell me that I am,” I hissed, feeling wildly caged.

  “He raped you,” he spit in fury through clenched teeth.

  “I let him have sex with me.”

  “By definition of the law–ˮ

  “BY DEFINITION,” a short bark of laugher escaped. “I was sixteen. Yeah, a judge would have thrown him in jail or given him a slap on the wrist, but I can tell you since I was there that I did absolutely nothing to push him away.” I leaned forward, losing the grip on my sanity and control. “Is that what you want to hear? Do you want to hear how he kissed me and that I thought it felt good? Do you want to hear me tell you I remember what it felt like having him shove his hand inside of my jeans, and I didn’t say no? That I didn’t scream or fight him off?”

  “Definition or not, he drugged you. He was the adult, and he knew what he was doing was wrong. He did it anyway. Do you think that maybe you didn’t fight or scream because you couldn’t? That subconsciously you knew there wasn’t anybody around to hear you?” He sprang to his feet, but thankfully didn’t come any closer. “Do you really remember enough to tell me that you didn’t say no or pass out and close your eyes? That, in and of itself, would negate any consent you may think you gave.”

  Automatically, my eyes slid to the side in thought, but I wasn’t quick enough in disguising it. He saw me and knew he hit his mark.

  “I’ve lived with my mistake for fourteen years, and I didn’t say no. I’ve fought so hard to make something of my life, of Evelyn’s life, after he left me to dig myself out of that hole. I can’t, Law. I won’t agree with you.”

  “You’ve been torturing yourself all this time, I know that’s hard, baby, but you need to look at it from another perspective. If that were your daughter instead of you, would you say those same things to her?”