Jaylin's World

by Brenda Hampton

  I sent Mackenzie to her room, and I made it clear to Jaylin, again, that she wasn’t going anywhere. Boy, did he hate to be told no. When he left, he called me something underneath his breath. Since he didn’t say it out loud, I didn’t trip.

  “Coward,” I spat out, saying it right before the door slammed.

  For the next few days, Jaylin hadn’t called or shown up. Did he realize that he was hurting no one but himself? I guess he realized it eventually, because he called to talk and explain. I leaned over on the kitchen counter to listen to him.

  “Look, you know I’ve been dealing with some stuff, and you were right about me drinking and driving. I assure you, though, that it was a onetime incident. I love my kids too much, and I would never harm them in any way.”

  “Accidents happen, Jaylin. Before my accident, I said the same thing too. I could have lost Justin and Mackenzie in an instant. I’m glad you understand what I was saying, and please don’t ever do that again.”

  “I won’t. Where my babies at?”

  “They’re sleeping. We drove to Loretta’s cousin’s house today and she barbecued. We hung out with them for a while and pretty much enjoyed ourselves.”

  “That’s good. Glad y’all had fun. Are you in the mood for some more fun?”

  “You mean to tell me you actually asked me this time. Normally, you come busting through here, dropping your clothes at the door. You don’t even give me time to prepare myself, and one day you’re going to mess around and dip yourself into something that ain’t right.”

  “You always right, baby. I like that sweet tang on your pussy, and that spontaneous shit turns me on.”

  “Sweet tang? Is that really what you want to call it?”

  “I call it as I see fit.”

  Jaylin hung up. When I turned my head to the right, he was standing in my view.

  “I’m warning you,” I said, laughing. “You’d better stop this. I haven’t even had my shower today.”

  He nudged his head to the right. “Then let’s go shower together. How about that? And this time, I’m asking.”

  Since Jaylin had been so stingy with the goods, I was always gaming. He chased me upstairs to my shower, and the water had turned cold on us. Even so, I couldn’t ignore that Jaylin had a hint of alcohol on his breath. This was definitely becoming a problem.

  The next few days left me worried sick whenever Jaylin took the kids. He seemed fine, but I was skeptical about what was happening when he got home. I was so worried that I felt a desperate need to speak with Nokea. She had his children too, and I would truly regret if something happened to any of them. The other night, I had gotten Shane’s phone number from Jaylin’s phone. I called Shane and he answered, thank God. I expressed my concerns to him and told him about my desires to speak with Nokea. At first, he didn’t want any part of what I wanted to do. I begged him, swearing that I in no way wanted to cause any trouble. This was all about doing the right thing. I felt relieved when he gave me Nokea’s address so I could go talk to her.

  The following day, I prepared myself to pay her a visit. I threw on an orange T-shirt, blue jeans and wore my hair in a ponytail. Surely, I could look much nicer, but this issue with Jaylin was so serious to me that I didn’t want Nokea to feel intimidated in any way. It had been a long time since we’d last seen each other, and yes, there was still a lot of jealously and envy between us.

  I went to the door, taking a deep breath before I knocked. I wasn’t sure how she would react. At the end of the day, though, Nokea had always been a pretty sensible woman. With that, I lightly knocked on her door and waited for a few minutes. She didn’t respond immediately. When I knocked again, I heard her softly ask who I was.

  “It’s Scorpio, Nokea. If you have a minute, I’d like to speak to you.”

  There was nothing said for a minute, maybe two. Then she opened the door. It was ten o’clock in the morning, and she was still in her cotton pajamas. Her hair looked freshly done, and she was still as pretty as I remembered her. I had never been jealous of another woman in my life, but I was of her. She widened the door, looking me over.

  “Scorpio, what is this about? Jaylin and I aren’t together anymore and—”

  “I just need to talk to you. I’m deeply concerned about some things, and you know I wouldn’t be here if this wasn’t important.”

  She sighed and let me inside. The condo she lived in was decorated with modern furniture, and I must admit, she had good taste. She invited me to take a seat on the microfiber cocoa brown sofa and I did. Nokea sat in the matching chair, tucking one of her legs underneath her. She placed her hand on her cheek, waiting on me to say what I came to say.

  “It’s been a long time, Nokea, and I regret that I have to come to you like this, considering the damage you think I may have caused.”

  She couldn’t wait to chime in. “You have definitely caused a lot of damage, and I don’t understand how any woman can continue to chase after another woman’s husband for so many years. It’s ridiculous! And if all you’ve come here to do is gloat about your trifling actions, you’re wasting your time.”

  Yes, I was taken aback by her tone, even though it was what I expected. I kept my cool. “Your tone is fair, but I hope you don’t forget about Jaylin’s participation in this as well. I have not been chasing after him, and you are so wrong about us. I don’t know if you’ve spoken to him lately or not, but he seems to be getting somewhat out of control. I know he’s going through a lot because of the divorce or separation, but I’m here because of the kids. He’s been drinking a lot. The other night, he was arrested for a DUI. My kids were in the car with him, but I figured yours were not. I don’t know if he’s driving around with LJ and Jaylene under those conditions or not, but I just wanted to warn you. He’s not stable, and I sense something very tragic may happen.”

  “I know about some of the things that are going on. When the kids come here, they tell me. I wasn’t aware that Jaylin had been doing any heavy drinking. I will definitely find out what is going on with him on that end. Thanks for the warning.”

  There was silence, and I could tell she was ready for me to go. But having so much more to say to her, I looked down at my nails and fumbled with them. “You know, I’m glad I’ve gotten this opportunity to speak to you, and I—I really want you to know a few things, Nokea.” I looked up and could see the daggers being shot at me. She still remained calm as ever. “What happened between Jaylin and me several years ago was not supposed to happen. I was getting married soon, and when he came to my house that night, I had a difficult time letting him walk away. When I found out I was pregnant, I was so sure that the baby belonged to my husband. But then, when I had my son, I knew that not to be true. I never wanted to break up your marriage and—”

  She cut me off again, and her lips were slightly pursed. “I find that hard to believe, Scorpio, and you are such a liar. You’ve always wanted to be married to Jaylin, and you have never respected his decision to marry me. He made his choice. Why in the heck couldn’t you just live with it?”

  I sighed, trying to cope with her attitude. “The marriage was difficult for me to accept, and with that, I couldn’t respect it. I thought our last time together would be it, and no one would ever find out. I kept my son a secret. No matter what you think, I intended to do so forever. I wanted no one to know the truth but me, and that’s when the car accident happened. I wanted Jaylin to be there for Mackenzie, because my husband, her own biological father, had abandoned her again.” I took a deep breath, pausing to wipe a falling tear. “He found out the baby wasn’t his, and I still struggled with telling Jaylin the truth. I knew how much damage it would cause, Nokea, and I didn’t want that. Jaylin, being Jaylin, found out Justin was his. I felt so bad for betraying him again. When he asked me to move here for the sake of being with his children, I couldn’t say no to him, especially after all that he’d done for me.”

  Nokea snapped at me again. “Saying no seems so hard for you to do, doesn’t
it?”

  “At times. But I’m not trying to go on the attack here. We both know how persuasive Jaylin can be, and living in his world definitely ain’t easy.”

  Nokea folded her arms and cleared her throat. “You got that right. I guess I really want to know, how in the heck did you-all think this would some way or somehow work out? You may as well have moved into our house with us, just so Jaylin could have access to you and me both. We’ve all been in turmoil over this. Things are going to get worse, before they get better. If I would have allowed Jaylin to move you into that house with your children, he would have gladly accepted my offer. This mess has been going on for too long, Scorpio, and I am so done with it. Once our divorce is final, please marry him and do whatever. I don’t care anymore. I’m sick of it. As far as I’m concerned, his world no longer exists.” Her voice cracked, but Nokea was doing her best to hold back her tears.

  “He never would have suggested or accepted anything like me moving into your house. Our relationship is not what you think it is. I know that the only reason Jaylin is around me is because of his children. He and I don’t spend a lot of time—”

  “Are the two of you still having sex?”

  I was honest. “Barely. But I will sit here today and make you a promise. If you do not divorce him, and if you can get him back on the right track that he needs to be on, I will never, ever let him touch me again. That is a huge step for me, Nokea. Whether you believe it or not—and I’m sorry to say this to you—I love your husband with all of my heart. He means the world to my children and to me. I can’t stand to see the pain he is in from losing you, though. Eventually he will destruct and all of this will come tumbling down. My children will suffer, and so will yours. He needs you, and all I am right now is good sex, which he only wants on his time. I’d rather see him happily married to you, having a wonderful relationship with all of his children, and building a future for them. Don’t you want that too?”

  “No,” Nokea said, straightforward. She removed her leg from underneath her and sat up straight. “No, because no matter what, Scorpio, Jaylin will always find his way back to you. If there were no you, there would be someone else. Do you even know what kind of man he is? Well, I recently found out. After all of our years together, he continues to be full of surprises. He is not the kind of man I envision myself spending the rest of my life with. If you have to sit there and make me the kind of promise you just did, how can I roll with that? How can I be in a marriage, always afraid of that one unfortunate time when you and Jaylin slip again? I believe that you love him, and I know what you will do for him too. He will make you do what he wants you to do, and I don’t think you always would be willing to tell him no.”

  “For the sake of our children, I will do it. You’re making him out to be something that he’s not. I know you’re angry, but from what I know, Jaylin has been totally committed to you. This isn’t about him just wanting to play the field. The problem is with me, and it can be corrected. Yes, it’s hard to trust my words, but even you know how much Jaylin loves you. I am so envious of the way he feels for you, and I can’t compete with what the two of you have. To be honest, I never could.”

  Nokea sat silently for a moment, thinking about what I’d implied. She even reached out to give me a tissue when she saw the tears in my eyes. She took a few deep breaths; then she lightly massaged her forehead with her hand. “Neither of you will ever understand how painful this has all been for me. I’ve lost myself in the mix, and now I have to start all over. The man to whom I gave every ounce of my love has destroyed me. He took everything out of me, and I don’t even know if I love him anymore.”

  “Yes, you do,” I said. “All wounds heal in time. I felt the same way when he had gone off and married you, and there were times that I wanted to end my life. I’m so sorry for hurting you, him and myself. I just loved him so much, Nokea, and it was hard for me to imagine my life without him.”

  I didn’t like expressing myself like this in front of Nokea, but what I spoke was the truth. I could tell she was holding back her emotions as much as she could. Every once in a while, she’d dab her eyes with a tissue.

  “Can I ask you one more thing?” Nokea said. I nodded. “If I divorce Jaylin, then what? Will you continue to have sex with him and have more children with him? Or do you intend to marry him?”

  I didn’t hesitate to respond. “He’ll never marry me, and I know that for a fact. He doesn’t love me enough, and there’s only been one woman who was capable of taking him to that level. I think you know who she is. If you don’t go back to him, I doubt that marriage will ever happen again for him. As for us being intimate, the only thing that will stop that from happening is if the two of you reconcile. If not, I will make myself available to him, whenever he needs me. If I have to do whatever it takes to pick up the pieces, I will. I’ll do it out of love, not because I desire to have sex. As for another child, who knows what will happen?”

  Nokea cut her eyes at me, looking away while in thought. “I just realized how being in your presence, Scorpio, makes my flesh crawl. I can’t help the way I feel and I don’t quite understand your motive. Whatever it is”—she turned her head to look at me—“you’ve won. Good luck to you and Jaylin, and I hope he is everything that you want him to be.”

  Nokea slowly stood up and made her way to the door. I followed behind her. We stopped at the threshold.

  “I don’t have a motive, and I meant every word that I said. Whatever you decide, I’ll respect your decision.”

  “Yeah, right. Just like you respected my marriage, huh?”

  She opened the door and we stared at one another for a couple of minutes without saying a word. I guess I didn’t have anything else to say, so I broke our stare and walked out the door. She slammed it behind me so hard, nearly knocking it off the hinges.

  NOKEA

  Who said that two women in love with the same man couldn’t sit down and have a civil discussion without calling each other names or pulling each other’s hair out? If it could happen between Scorpio and me, it could happen between any women. I appreciated her stopping by to talk to me, but I still despised her for interfering in my marriage. She did her best to explain that she’d done it out of love for Jaylin, but I wasn’t sure about that. Scorpio knew that if Jaylin went down, she was going down with him. Jaylin having less money and no stability meant she would as well. No, she couldn’t let that happen; from the day Jaylin had met her, he had become her sole provider. One thing I could say about our conversation was that she really loved Jaylin more than I thought she did. He had caused her a lot of grief too, and decisions were made without anyone giving much thought.

  I was guilty of this too, especially for terminating my pregnancy. I had always been against abortions. How in the world did I bring myself to do something so out of character for me? I did my best to justify my actions by saying that my anger toward Jaylin was a good enough reason. Realistically, it wasn’t, and I should have known better. At this point, all I could do was push forward and try my best not to look back on some of the mistakes that I had made.

  In the meantime, everybody and their mamas were trying to save my marriage. Mama was calling, begging me not to go through with it. Even my friend Pat was saying I needed to hang in there. What in the hell would the average woman do? I thought. Would she really let go of Jaylin so easily?

  I had spoken to Shane often and he still was trying to encourage me to work things out. And it definitely surprised me that Scorpio had wanted the same thing too, but I sensed a bit of fakery with her. Then, of course, there was Jaylin. He’d been calling every day, leaving messages and trying to make me feel guilty about what I had done to his baby. He repeated that he’d never forgive me and asked how I could be so cruel. One message after another, he went on the attack. He called me a hypocrite, said I was overreacting and blamed me for his behavior. I deleted some of his messages, until I noticed they started to calm down. Then he was back to telling me he loved me. From
the slurs in his voice, I could tell what he had been going through. We all were going through hell.

  When a knock came at my door, I was surprised to see that it was Nanny B. Lord knows I was in no mood to talk to her! But after all she had done for us, I could in no way play her. I invited her inside and we sat at the dining-room table. She had brought me some handmade cards from the kids, and I sat in the chair, smiling as I read over them.

  “The kids really miss you,” she said. “And I do too. I guess I don’t have to tell you how much Jaylin—”

  I dropped the cards in my lap and sighed. “Please, Nanny B. I really don’t want to hear about how much Jaylin misses me, and why do you always take up for him? It is so frustrating. As a woman, you should understand how I feel.”

  Nanny B reached out and touched my hand, which I had placed on the table. “I do know how you feel. I’ve been there too, Nokea, more than you know. I don’t always see eye to eye with Jaylin, but I do have a connection with him that you’ve been unaware of. Jaylin has never told anyone our secret, and that’s because I asked him not to. I’m his stepgrandmother, Nokea, and I raised his mother up from when she was a little girl.”

  I sat in shock as Nanny B told me about her tumultuous marriage to Jaylin’s grandfather, about her struggles with his biological grandmother. History had definitely repeated itself. When she told me that she was the one who had given Jaylin the money she’d gotten from his grandfather’s estate, I couldn’t believe it. I was speechless and I couldn’t believe Jaylin had kept this a secret for so long, and according to Nanny B, Scorpio didn’t know the truth either.

  “So you see, Nokea, this is why I feel so connected to him, to his children and even to you. The two of you have got to work this out and we’ve all come too far to give up now. It pains me to watch Jaylin suffer at that house without you. I can’t stand to see him so torn, and I know you’re miserable over here too.”