Lacey Luzzi: Sauced: A humorous, cozy mystery! (Lacey Luzzi Mafia Mysteries Book 4)

by Gina LaManna

  “Hello?” I said.

  A man cleared his throat on the other end of the line. When he spoke, his voice sounded croaky. “This is Martim.”

  I stopped walking. “Martim?”

  “The food critic,” he said.

  “Right…” I glanced behind me. Meg was nowhere in sight. Her whistling had stopped, which probably meant she was already at the car. Anastasia’s house was now quiet and the cats were nowhere to be seen. The stillness was almost spookier than the wacky events of the afternoon.

  “I was just calling to tell you I remembered something,” he said. “About Dave’s Special Sauce.”

  “What do you mean, you remembered?” I asked, my voice harsh. “Who put you up to this?”

  “Dave doesn’t sell sauce anymore. He moved away,” Martim said with a cough. “His stand doesn’t exist anymore.”

  “Too late,” I said. “I figured that out. But what I want to know is why you called me with this sudden memory gain.”

  By the time I finished my sentence, however, all that met my ear was a dial tone.

  “Weird, weird, and more weird,” I said. “Meg?”

  There was silence. No whistling, no muffled chatter – nothing.

  “Meg?” I asked again, walking a bit faster. Maybe she was sitting in the car with all the windows rolled up and shut.

  Yeah, right, I thought. She’d been sweating so much that she’d at minimum keep the windows rolled down. There was no way she’d be suffocating inside that hot car.

  “Meg!” This time, it wasn’t a question. I covered the last few steps as I rounded the corner at a jog.

  But when I came face to face with my little Lumina, hoping to find Meg engrossed in a conversation with a tied-up Oleg, I was sorely disappointed.

  Instead, leaning on the hood of my car was a man of medium height with medium black hair and medium skin tones. The only thing not medium about him was the pair of wide, pale blue eyes that popped from his face.

  “Who—” I started to ask, but he gestured lazily towards the hoodie he wore over a pair of well-fitting designer jeans. It didn’t take a genius to see that he had a gun pointed directly at Meg.

  “This lady is getting into the backseat with our mutual friend,” the man started. “And you’re going to get in the front seat of this box on wheels and do exactly as I say, or your friend is in for a much worse injury than a scratch.”

  I nodded, my mouth going dry. What had we gotten ourselves into? My exhaustion turned into panic, my tiredness turned into a rush of adrenaline, and my desire for a hamburger disappeared as the amount of sweat on my palms increased exponentially.

  “What does this have to do with us?” I asked casually. “Meg, get in the car.”

  Meg, independent woman that she was, couldn’t resist a glare at the gunman despite our rather precarious position. Still, she did as she was told and got in the backseat.

  “Time for questions later,” he said. “Your turn, darling.”

  My stomach flipped in a nauseating somersault at his words. I followed his instructions as he climbed into the front seat. Leaning his gun on his lap and ensuring it pointed dangerously at Meg, he gave me a smile so pleasant he might’ve been a Starbucks barista taking my coffee order.

  “Drive,” he said.

  “Where?” I asked.

  “Wherever you were going,” he said.

  My mind went blank. I couldn’t remember where I was going. The barbecue. I had to get to the barbecue, now that it was today. That’s where all the guards would be.

  However, I didn’t want to lead a man with a gun towards my Family, assuming they’d all be there, too. Maybe I could go to my apartment? Or else…

  “Don’t think about it so hard,” he said. “Or I can tell you’re lying.”

  I hadn’t realized that I’d been frozen in my seat, my hands gripping the steering wheel with fervor. “Right, sorry.”

  I pulled away from the driveway, wishing suddenly that Ying would run away from Anastasia and the little witchy woman would come out, see the gun, and call the police. Or someone. Anyone.

  “Very good,” he said. “You’ll take a right here.”

  I turned right onto the highway. It was the highway that would lead us in the general direction of home. I had about ten minutes to figure out where to take him or how to alert Anthony. But I also had to be careful. If he could tell I was formulating a plan – well, I didn’t want to test him. The new addition to our little vehicle seemed much sharper than the Grease Ball in the backseat.

  “According to my calculations, you have ten minutes to talk before arriving at your destination,” the man said. “I suggest you use them wisely.”

  “What should I call you?” I asked.

  “I don’t have a name,” he said. “Not one I feel like telling you at the moment. But Lacey, what I’m curious about is whether it was Anthony, Carlos, or Clay who figured it out?”

  “Figured what out?” I asked, my mind immediately leaping towards the fireworks case.

  “I can tell you know what I’m talking about,” he said. “I’m impressed, is all. The guns were barely across the border before—”

  “Guns?” I asked, not faking my surprise. “What are you talking about? Neither Anthony nor Carlos nor Clay told me about this guy.” I gestured towards Grease Ball, who still had a sock in his mouth, gurgling around the fabric.

  “I don’t think you’re lying,” he said after a moment of analysis. “That makes me confused. Why were you at Oleg’s house?”

  “I was trying to find some stupid sauce for a barbecue,” I said. “It’s a long story, but the woman whose house we were at sent us to his place in exchange for sauce. You should ask your friend back there – Oleg.”

  Though the man in the front seat didn’t seem completely fazed, Oleg’s eyes widened in surprise at his name.

  “You know the woman?” the brown-haired man asked Oleg. Turning to Meg, he continued, “Please, my dear, take the sock out of his mouth so he can answer.”

  “Don’t you dear me,” Meg said, reaching a hand over and popping the sock out of Oleg’s mouth.

  “She was nobody,” Grease Ball said. “Nobody at all.”

  “So you don’t mind if I take care of loose ends?” the man smiled at Oleg, whose face went white.

  “Please – no,” Oleg said. “My grandmother. She’s my grandmother.”

  “Why would your grandmother send us to spy on you?” I asked, realizing that my own grandmother wasn’t above meddling in my life.

  “Uh, uh, uh,” the man in the front seat said, wagging his finger. “Not your turn to ask questions, Lacey.”

  “What are you going to do with her?” Oleg called out. “My grandmother.”

  “Stop talking,” Meg growled, shoving the sock back into his mouth.

  “Feisty,” the man in the front seat said, his eyes twinkling. “You know how to pick your assistants, Lacey. Is Meg for hire?”

  “I’m her psychic,” Meg said. “And I’m not for sale, ass-hat.”

  “Is that the adult term for butt-head? I like creativity,” the man mused. “I pay good money if you’re looking to change teams.”

  “What exactly is your team?” I asked.

  “You really don’t know anything, do you?” he asked.

  I assumed it was rhetorical because that wasn’t true. I knew some stuff.

  The man grimaced. “Interesting. I’m not completely surprised. If I know anything about Carlos, it’s that he’s intelligent. He’d never send his granddaughter after me – he loves you too much.”

  I flinched as he lifted one hand, holding the gun with the other, and ran his fingers across my jawline. He stroked the skin under my chin while examining my face with excruciating detail.

  “And he knows I’m much too dangerous to involve you,” he said. “Smart man, Carlos.”

  “That’s not true,” I said, feeling creeped out and angry all at once. “He entrusts me with large cases. He knows I can ha
ndle any job that his men can.”

  “Which is why he sent you looking for sauce?”

  I had no response. My gut felt hollow, empty. Was I Carlos’s pawn? Did he only keep me around out of pity?

  “I can see you going through the typical dilemma now,” he said. “But don’t read into it too deeply. View it as a compliment; it’s a rare thing for Carlos to care so much about a person. He doesn’t protect many.”

  “He protects the whole Fam – he is a good man,” I said, catching myself. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

  “That’s the image he likes to give off, yes – I’ll give you that.” The man withdrew his hand from my chin and pulled back, caressing his gun up and down as if it were a lover’s arm. “But you’ll be surprised to see how fast he fails to protect his minions when I turn up.”

  I stared straight ahead as the car continued down the highway.

  “I owe him some payback,” the man said with a smile that didn’t reach his eyes. “And when I infiltrate every little corner and niche of his handsome estate; when I test the loyalty of every single member of the Family; when I hold the lives of everyone he’s ever cared about in my grasp, then we’ll see how he protects his own.”

  “What do you mean?” I asked, my voice hushed and low. The man wasn’t like other criminals – even murderers – that I’d come in contact with previously. His words struck fear with a cold finality and a harsh truth to them, and I knew he meant to deliver on his promises. Or at least try to.

  “I won’t be killing you today,” he said. “No, when I end you it will be with Carlos watching. You’re safe for now…chickadee. Your job today is to warn Carlos for me.”

  “Warn him of what?” I swallowed hard, trying not to glimpse at Meg in the rearview mirror. I wished I’d never dragged her into this mess. What had started out as an innocent trip to a candy store and a sauce stand had turned into a treat not so sweet.

  “Me,” he said.

  I turned off the highway and trundled down the wide, tree-lined side streets towards the mansion. We were encroaching upon the 7 p.m. deadline rapidly, and I hoped that most of the staff and civilians would be cleared out and at the barbecue by the time we arrived, assuming they’d all been updated with the time as well. Which, they probably had, since it seemed like I was the only person no longer in the loop with any of the Family plans.

  I briefly wondered if Nora had reserved the usual park for the barbecue, despite the date change. Then, I reminded myself that Carlos was King of the Cities, and he could get any dang park he pleased at the drop of a hat. Of course the park was reserved.

  “Where are you going?” Meg asked.

  “Carlos’s,” I said, gritting my teeth. “The boss here instructed me to drive where I was heading – which was the estate.”

  “I wouldn’t do that,” Meg said. “I wouldn’t go there. That’s not where you were headed. We were going to the park.”

  “I know all about the yearly barbecue at the park,” the man said, his eyes glittering. “And I also know about the date change. Yes, don’t look so surprised, I timed it this way on purpose. Never forget, I’m always watching,” he said.

  I looked up in shock.

  “Lacey, you’re taking me to the mansion because you expect it will be almost empty at the moment. You think that’ll be less dangerous for everyone, am I right?” he asked.

  Meg’s eyes burned holes in the back of my head.

  “And your assistant here, she wants us to go to the most highly populated place in hopes that the guards will be there. Then they can shoot me down and save the day – am I right?” The man sighed. “Two very good ideas. You ladies make a great team.”

  “Do you have business at the mansion?” I asked.

  He shook his head and gave a light, almost timid laugh. “I want to get under Carlos’s skin,” he answered without hesitation. “I plan to march in there with you by my side and deliver a warning. Show him how easy it is to get ahold of someone he loves. How easy it’d be to hurt you…”

  His hand came back up to my face, but this time his thumb and his middle finger squeezed my cheeks – lightly at first, and then so harshly my eyes squinted together and my mouth was sore. Tears pricked my eyes from the pain, and I almost swerved off the road.

  “Let her go,” Meg growled. “She’s driving.”

  The man dropped his arm, and I could see and feel the welts on my sore face.

  I was driving, but I was also angry. I didn’t like when people messed with my Family. Even if I had a bone to pick with Carlos and Anthony at the moment, nobody else could. That’s how family worked – capital F or not.

  Returning to his formerly calm, collected self, he stared straight ahead. “We’re almost here.”

  “Yes,” I muttered, still fuming.

  “Good,” he said. “Pull into the driveway.”

  “Why us?” I asked as Carlos’s estate loomed into view. “You can still escape now. We’ll let you go. But if I pull into that driveway, you probably won’t leave Carlos’s alive today.”

  “I will,” he said with certainty. “And I didn’t choose this for your family. They chose me.” He whipped his jeweled blue eyes on me, and the icy glare coated my skin in a layer of goose bumpies. “A bad choice, on their part.”

  “You really don’t want to go up that driveway,” Meg said, her leg twitching nervously.

  I glared at her in the rearview mirror. What was she talking about? The entire reason I’d come to the mansion instead of heading towards the park was to go to the place with the least amount of civilians and the most amount of guards. Everyone would be out at the barbecue by this time, except for a few staff left behind to guard the estate. It was the best possible condition for our current situation.

  “Trust me,” Meg said. “I know what I’m talking about.”

  “What are you talking ab—” I started.

  “Listen,” the man said. “You’ll both do exactly as I say. Lacey, I don’t plan to hurt you or anyone else today. But one wrong move and I just might change my mind. I’m a bit finicky when it comes to others’ health.”

  “Apparently,” Meg said. “Or you would’ve been gentler manhandling me before Lacey got to the car. You aggravated my butt-scratch.”

  “Roll down your window,” the man instructed.

  We had run out of time for small talk. The gates loomed ahead, and I carefully pressed the automatic window button as we reached the first guard tower.

  “You’ll tell the guard that we’re a few friends you’re bringing to the barbecue. You and your guests are just stopping by the estate for a moment,” the man instructed. “And be calm or someone will die.”

  Please, Carlos, I thought, gulping as the window rolled down. We need help, Anthony!

  I hoped with all my heart Anthony wasn’t at the barbecue yet. With most public events, he kept close to Carlos’s side. If Carlos hadn’t left home yet, the chances were high that both of the men were still here.

  Rolling down my window, I smiled at the guard. “Hi there, just here for—”

  “I know why you’re here,” the guard said, breaking out into a grin. “Welcome.”

  I rolled my window back up as the guard clicked the gates open. I pulled forward slowly, still scratching my head. The guards were notoriously hard to get past; they asked for my identification nine times out of ten, even though I was Carlos’s granddaughter and a frequent visitor at the estate.

  “Uh, Lacey, I have something to tell you,” Meg said, shifting in her seat uneasily.

  “Does it have anything to do with the guard smiling at me?” I shook my head. “I’ve been frisked, groped, and asked for identification – but a smile, that’s a new one.”

  “Uh,” Meg said. “Well, there’s one thing—”

  “Keep driving,” the man said. “Do not slow down.”

  The Lumina clunked through the first half of the driveway quite quickly, but when I rounded the corner…

 
“What the hell is this?” the man asked, raising the gun so it pointed at my head instead of Meg’s. His finger twitched on the trigger.

  “What the…” my eyes widened, and it took my brain quite a long time to process the scene before us.

  “Surprise!” Meg said weakly from the backseat.

  “Stop the car,” the man said, his voice laced with alertness. Fully attentive, he’d lost his easy smile and twinkling gaze. Now, his eyes were razor sharp and his voice clipped and full of action. “What is this?” he asked again, this time turning to Meg.

  “Isn’t it obvious?” she retorted. “The whole moving-the-time thing was due to a very special surprise party. Which, now that I think about it, isn’t so special or surprising anymore, thanks to you. Read the signs.”

  Happy Birthday, Lacey!

  29 Years Old!

  Celebrate!

  SURPRISE!

  “It’s a surprise party,” Meg offered, after a moment of silence. The mansion sat before us at the edge of the long, winding driveway. A few partygoers had noticed the arrival of my car, and were hurriedly attempting to jump out of bushes and blow those lame paper whistles. But we were half an hour earlier than expected, and it was clear the troops hadn’t yet assembled into “surprise” position.

  Banners waved timidly in the breeze, confetti exploded from random poppers, and shouts of Hurry! She’s here! Surprise! trickled into the car as people noticed our arrival.

  My jaw dropped open. “My birthday,” I said. “I thought nobody remembered.”

  “Well, we did,” Meg said. “But you insisted you didn’t want a party. So I combined your party with another one – the Fourth of July Barbecue – so you’d feel special, but not too special.”

  “Oh my gosh,” I murmured. “That’s so sweet.”

  “It wasn’t that people forgot your birthday,” Meg said. “Just so you know, I, uh, I didn’t realize you’d be so sad. I felt so terrible when you were depressed because you thought people forgot. Felt absolutely shitty.”

  “Why did you feel bad?” I asked.

  “Well, nobody forgot,” Meg said. “Everyone loves you. But I sent a lot of – um, very threatening messages to everyone invited to the party. It went something along the lines of: if anyone wished you a happy birthday, they just might come to an ill-fated end. But I only threatened them because I wanted you to be completely surprised.”