Lacey Luzzi: Sauced: A humorous, cozy mystery! (Lacey Luzzi Mafia Mysteries Book 4)

by Gina LaManna

  “Mission accomplished,” I said, my mind still working through the details.

  I watched as more and more bystanders trickled from the house, blowing horns and popping confetti as they recognized my car. My eyes misted a bit with tears, and I was touched by Meg’s loyal friendship. Anyone who threatened others to not wish me a happy birthday in order to preserve the element of surprise was going above and beyond the call of best-friend-duty in my book.

  “That’s why you didn’t want us to come here,” I said. “You knew everyone would be here.”

  “That is correct,” Meg said, glancing out the window. “And now here we are, trapped in a car surrounded by your birthday party. Not quite the surprise I was going for, chickadee.”

  “It’s the thought that counts,” I said. “I can’t believe you’d go through all this effort Meg, really.”

  “You’re not mad about the party?” she asked with hesitation. “You were pretty adamant—”

  “I can’t believe you’d go through the effort of getting all my friends and family here together, in one place.” I scanned the crowd, seeing Vivian and Joey kissing like mad on the front steps, and Julio from Meg’s bar trying to pick up a new date. Horatio stood over by a table laden with drinks and goodies, while Clay and Nora, Marissa and Clarissa, Nicky and Vinny all wandered about with smiles on their faces. “This is incredible.”

  “Nobody seems to realize anything’s wrong,” Meg said. “But it’s only a matter of time. We can sit here for only so long before things get weird.”

  Oleg and Meg remained squished together in the backseat while the man with the gun scanned the crowd.

  “Where is Carlos?” he asked.

  “Probably inside,” Meg offered. “We weren’t supposed to be here for thirty more minutes.”

  “Who all knew about this?” I asked. If we were going to sit out here all day, I wanted to get a few things straight. One of them was why the sign said 29. Everyone knew I was turning thirty.

  “Everyone,” Meg said. “I called Carlos myself and asked for his help. We even got Dr. Gambino in on it. He approved you to have an extra few drinks since it’s your birthday.”

  “Carlos answered your phone calls?” I asked.

  “He did when I got him a message that it was about you,” she said. “This is the first birthday your family has been able to celebrate with you in thirty years.”

  “What did he say?” I asked.

  “He said I wouldn’t be able to pull it off. That you’d never be surprised,” she said with a pout. But then her pout turned into a smile and her eyes twinkled. “I said, then he didn’t know me. And look who was right.”

  “But—” I started.

  “He offered to give you a false assignment,” Meg said. “A wild goose chase of sorts.”

  “That’s mean,” I said. “Truly horrible. I spent my birthday stressing out about a bomb.”

  “Yes,” Meg said uneasily. “That wasn’t supposed to happen. But think of it as a compliment.”

  “A compliment?”

  “Yes,” Meg said. “Carlos, when I had him on the phone – he told me you were too smart for a surprise party. That you’d notice something was up and everything would be ruined. He warned me that if you caught wind of a party in your favor, you’d never show up.” Meg shrugged. “Was he right?”

  “Umm, probably,” I said.

  I tried to process my feelings; part of me felt extremely grateful, part of me felt confused, and still another part of me was worried about the butt of the metal gun against my shoulder. “What was supposed to happen with the fake assignment?”

  “Yeah…that didn’t go as planned,” Meg said. “It was a mistake, and I’m really sorry that you got so sad. We were going to tell you it was a ruse, and the—”

  “Wait a minute,” I said, putting two and two together. The conversation at the bar hadn’t been about hiding a secret relationship. It’d been about explaining the false assignment to me. “So you and Clay are not a thing?”

  “What?” Meg recoiled. “Of course not! I mean, he’s got a nice tush. I’d definitely give it a squeeze, but he’s not into me.”

  “But the conversation at the bar the other night. You said I’d hate it. And I’d find out in a day. Clay said I was miserable and that you should tell me…oh,” I said, realization dawning on me. “You were talking about the party. Clay was in on it, too?”

  Meg nodded. “I’m afraid so. He even made a website for that stupid food critic. Had to strong-arm one of them into calling you today and telling you the sauce didn’t exist anymore.”

  Martim’s phone call now made sense.

  Meg shook her head. “Jeesh, Lacey. You are relentless. When Clay and Carlos and I were planning this all out, we thought you’d just realize there was no sauce anymore and come back with a damn bottle of ketchup and forget about the whole thing. Nobody realized how much determination you had in them sugar-filled bones.”

  “You got Clay and Carlos to work together?” I asked.

  “Don’t be so surprised,” Meg said. “They don’t much like each other, but they adore you. Me too, for that matter. Well, most of the time. Except when you don’t tip me twenty percent.”

  “What was the logic with the whole bomb thing?” I asked.

  “Stop talking,” the man with the gun said. “This is no time for a conversation.”

  “Shush up, you,” Meg said. “It’s this woman’s birthday. Give us a break for two seconds.”

  “The bomb?” I asked, ignoring the man. I really didn’t think he’d shoot us; people were starting to gather in a circle around the driveway, and if the guards heard shots fired, it was almost a guarantee that he wouldn’t leave the estate of his own accord.

  “Well Anthony was going to take you into the warehouse that night,” Meg said. “That was the plan. No fireworks or bombs ever existed. We felt a little bad worrying you, but it was never supposed to get this far. We had a plan.”

  “You had a plan?” I asked.

  “Me, Anthony, and Clay brought it up to Carlos,” Meg said with a sigh. “He didn’t think it was a good idea, but I pushed it hard. You ever have one of those ideas that sounds great in theory and then turns out to be a real turd in life?”

  I gave a wry smile. “Plenty of times.”

  “Well, this was one of them. What do you call ‘em? Oranges?” Meg said. “The thing that doesn’t work out how it should.”

  “A lemon of an idea,” I said.

  “Yeah. A real, juicy lemon,” Meg said. “The only reason Anthony agreed to the plan is because I told him it’d give you two some nice, cozy alone time in a car together. Alone. That was the whole point of the warehouse stakeout,” Meg said with a twinkle in her eye. “The way you two send gooey eyes at each other day in and day out – I thought forcing you to sit together and actually talk would be the best birthday present I could give you.”

  “You wanted to give me alone time with Anthony as a present?” I asked. “Wow. That’s…creative.”

  “There’s no way you two wouldn’t have kissed,” she said. Fanning herself, she grinned. “Best. Birthday. Ever.”

  I blushed.

  “I’m right, aren’t I?” Meg squealed. “You did kiss. In that case, you’re welcome, sister. That kiss was from me. Well, from me via Anthony, technically. Regardless, you’re welcome.”

  “But we ended up arguing,” I pointed out. “And I was stressed about the bomb until Clay led me to believe that Anthony had solved it without me. Which then hurt my feelings, too.”

  Oleg rolled his eyes next to Meg, and I was tempted to add another sock to his mouth. I didn’t waste time, however, because I knew we had a limited number of minutes before the crowd became so large that Carlos couldn’t help but come outside. One by one, people were starting to point with curiosity in our direction. Even Viv and Joey had stopped kissing, his orange face blinking absently in our direction.

  “That was the problem,” Meg said. “A true case c
ame in. The one about the firearms. Anthony couldn’t explain why he prioritized it over the bomb.”

  “Why didn’t he just tell me the whole truth?” I asked. “I would have understood.”

  “Yeah,” Meg looked shiftily out the window. “I, uh…how to put this properly…”

  “You threatened to blackmail him, didn’t you?” I asked.

  “More or less,” Meg hedged. “I threw out the fact that I might just cut off an essential body part of his if he so much as breathed a word about the party or the fake fireworks case to you.” She shook her head. “I think I really scared him.”

  “Apparently,” I said. “Because he didn’t back down. He didn’t say a word about it.”

  “Yes and we should have told you at that point,” Meg said apologetically. “I’m sorry you argued. Let me explain what should have happened if the plan worked like we had hoped.”

  “Please, explain,” I said. “I’m curious.”

  “Well, the idea was that we give you a few hours yesterday to search for clues. Of course, these clues didn’t actually exist, but Anthony and Clay did a decent job of setting up fake ones.”

  “So you set up an obstacle course for me?” I asked. “Involving clues, a fake case, and even a stakeout?”

  “Basically. Or a scavenger hunt with a sexy sidekick. What’s not to love?” Meg shrugged. “Then came my gift to you. A makeout session with Anthony. What should have happened is that after some kissy kissy, you two would go inside the warehouse and apprehend a fake guy.”

  “Why? Why wouldn’t you have just told me it was false at that point?” I asked.

  “Because you couldn’t know it was fake until today,” Meg said, sounding a bit exasperated. “If you apprehended someone, then we’d all be happy: you would’ve solved a case, Anthony would’ve squeezed your buns, and I would’ve been able to plan your party in peace. It was set up perfectly.”

  “But then Fede showed up with a real problem,” I filled in, starting to piece this elaborate stunt together. “And Anthony had to make a snap decision whether to tell me everything was a ruse, or let me keep believing it was a real case.”

  “Exactly,” Meg said.

  “Wow,” I hesitated. “You guys did all that for me? Staged a warehouse and everything?”

  “It was Carlos’s argument that gave me the idea,” Meg said. “He was so convinced that we’d never be able to sneak a surprise party for you. I just had to prove him wrong; I told him that I go big or I go home. And for my best friend, I’ll always go big.”

  My eyes widened and I couldn’t find the right words to express the cocktail of emotions I was feeling.

  “It’s a compliment,” Meg said. “He thinks you’re too good at your job. You’re too nosy and your Sugary Senses are on high alert. He was worried you’d smell a rat.”

  “He didn’t say that,” I said.

  “Don’t doubt yourself so much,” Meg said. “If this isn’t a sign he loves you, then I don’t know what is.”

  “I – wow. I’m in shock,” I said. “I don’t know what to say.”

  “I do,” Meg said happily. “Happy birthday, Lacey. Surprise!”

  Chapter 14

  The inside of the car was silent for a few moments as everyone digested Meg’s explanation of the events.

  Surprise is right, I thought to myself.

  However, despite the ball of mixed emotions bouncing around in my ribcage, I distinctly felt amazement. Love. Awe. The fact that my family would do all of this for me – yes, it was strange and unconventional. Maybe it was a little over the top and risky. But then again – wasn’t that my family in a nutshell? They’d go out of their way to organize something like this for me? I considered myself lucky.

  I couldn’t help a smile creeping onto my lips.

  “I see that cake-eating grin,” Meg said. “See? Everything worked out.”

  “Worked out?” I glanced at the man next to me holding the gun to my head. “Yeah, sort of.”

  “Last chance to make a peaceful getaway,” Meg said. “I’m going to ask you one last question.”

  I looked at my friend, confused.

  “Do you want some cake?” she asked. “You can be a nice boy, drop the gun, and just maybe we’ll go easy on you and your buddy Oleg.”

  “I’ll have cake,” Oleg piped in.

  “You’re quite funny,” the man with the gun said dryly, glancing at Meg. “Believe me, this sentimental crap has been great. Really sweet. But the time has come. We have an audience, and I have a message.”

  I glanced out the windshield and it was clear that the guests at the party had finally sensed that something was wrong. In my head, I wondered what had taken them so long – was it normal for the birthday girl to arrive at her surprise party and then sit in the car for ten minutes? Not to mention the whole gun-to-my-head issue.

  “Here’s what’s happening,” the man said. “Listen closely.”

  Meg leaned in.

  “Not literally,” he said. “You – Meg. You’re out first. We’re leaving Oleg in the backseat.”

  “Why do I have to get out of the car?” Meg asked. “I want to stay with Lacey.”

  “Well, that’s too bad because I want you to join the party,” he said firmly. “You’re next, Lacey. We’ll get out at the same time. I’ll have the gun on you the entire time, so don’t do anything you’ll regret.”

  Meg huffed. “So I’m allowed to go eat cake, and the birthday girl has to sit here? That’s not fair. Let her go eat. I’ll be your little pet for a minute.”

  “No deal,” the man said. “Though I do admire your loyalty.”

  “It’s okay, Meg,” I said quietly. “Go.” I cleared my throat and tried again. “Go inside. Please.”

  With a hesitant step and a murderous glance, Meg opened the rear car door. A collective gasp went up from the crowd as Meg limped away from the vehicle, her hands raised above her head. Guards swarmed the driveway, but remained a safe distance from the car at Meg’s insistence. The group stayed just behind Carlos’s Bentley, a vehicle fit for the President of America. It was the only other car in the driveway, parked just a few feet away from my less-than-cool Lumina.

  “Stay back,” Meg called to the guards, who were crawling along the edges of the driveway. “Lower your guns or they’ll shoot Lacey. It’s rude to shoot the birthday girl, I know. But this guy doesn’t have great manners.”

  The guards appeared confused. Anthony and Carlos were nowhere to be seen, and the troops were clearly looking for instructions. They neither made a move to lower their weapons nor shoot them, which meant guns dangled at half-staff all across the lawn.

  The gunman in the passenger’s seat lowered the window. Sticking his nose out, he spoke to the crowd. “She’s right, you know. I left my manners at home. If you don’t lower your weapons, the birthday girl gets a special little present to the brain. I just happened to forget my birthday gift for her, but I do have a bullet with her name on it.”

  “Lower your weapons,” a voice said, as Carlos appeared at the edge of the crowd, which had grown in size.

  An odd combination of feelings bubbled up; all at once I was overwhelmed by the number of faces I recognized. Cinnabuns and Autumn and Luscious flocked near the edges, while Dr. Gambino crossed his arms and chatted with Harold closer to the front door. Lorenzo from the gelato shop hung near my friends from TANGO, and a man wearing a turban stuck out like a sore thumb near the garage. I didn’t know the latter, but everyone else was a mixture of family and friends. And now they were in danger because of me.

  “Ah, Carlos,” the man next to me said. “You’ve finally joined the party. Listen closely, my friend. I’m getting out of the car with Lacey. I have two guns. One trained on her, one on everyone else. If anyone moves, she dies.”

  “How about that doesn’t happen,” I suggested under my breath. It didn’t seem to have any effect on the man, but it was worth a shot.

  “Get out, Lacey,” he said. “Move slowly
.”

  I moved at a steady, slow pace. It would’ve been a tight race between me and a turtle at my current speed. Keeping my hands above my head, I let my eyes fixate on the ground. I could feel the heavy stare of hundreds of eyeballs looking directly at me, thinking that this wasn’t the type of party they’d signed up for.

  The man giving orders got out from the passenger’s side of the car and, true to his word, kept one gun on me and another on the crowd. I had no idea where the other gun had come from, but I didn’t have time to figure it out now. He must’ve had it on him the entire time, and I hadn’t noticed, in my petrified state.

  There was a motion to the left of Carlos, and Anthony appeared by his boss’s side.

  “Lacey,” he said, his voice low. It carried across the driveway, and despite the flock of people standing behind and to the side of Carlos it felt, if just for a moment, that only the two of us existed. His eyes scanned me in one quick motion – analytical in nature, probably checking me for injuries.

  “I said not to move. If you don’t believe that I can shoot, I’ll have to prove you wrong,” the man said.

  Someone in the crowd exploded a party popper.

  In response, a gunshot broke the silence.

  Half the crowd screamed. Pandemonium broke out near the back, and those nearest the house stampeded inside the mansion. But a few brave – or extremely curious – onlookers tucked their bodies behind trees and watched the scene unfold.

  The man, leaning against the passenger side of the car, broke into a sunny smile. “That was for our party popper out there. And for anyone else who didn’t believe in my aim.”

  As if punctuating his sentence, a thunk hit the ground a few feet away. The subject of the thunk appeared to have fallen from one of the huge maples towering as tall as the mansion. Proudly, the tree stood guard over the driveway and hosted a few onlookers cowering beneath its branches.

  The crowd parted and a mutter scattered across the crowd like a wave; it started small and gathered strength until a buzz of whispers descended over the driveway.