I pick at my nails, uncomfortable with the compliment. “Thanks, but I don’t think I could ever do what you guys do.”
“I used to be the same way. It just took some time to get used to.” Nolan offers me a small smile when he notices how fidgety I’ve become and raises his hands in front of him. “No pressure. I was just throwing an idea out there.”
I smile tensely. “I think I’ll stick with it being a hobby for now, but thanks.”
He gives a one-shoulder shrug then strolls toward the kitchen that extends from the living room, muttering something about having the munchies thanks to Sage hotboxing every car and place they’ve hung out at today.
I watch Nolan rummage around in the mostly empty fridge, keeping my gaze on him for probably way longer than I should. I know the moment I look away, I’ll have to meet Sage’s intense stare. I can feel it right now, boring a hole into my head. He does that a lot. Sometimes when he looks at me, it feels as if he wants to pin me down and get me to confess my secrets. He may think he wants to hear why I’m so uneasy all the time, but if I did let my soul bleed out in front of him, he’d wish he never looked at me to begin with.
“I’m jealous,” he finally divulges, drawing my attention to him. And just like I guessed, his soul-piercing gaze is fixed on me.
It takes all my strength not to run like hell. In fact, the only thing that keeps me put is that the last time we were around each other, I did run, and I want to work on toning down the crazy.
“Oh, yeah? About what?” I ask, sinking down on top of a small stack of boxes that still need to be unpacked.
“That Nolan got to hear you play and I didn’t.” He drags a barstool over and plops down on it, sitting so close our knees touch.
His closeness makes my pulse race. I want to shift away, yet I don’t. I’m very conflicted. Always am when I’m near him. Wanting stuff yet knowing I can’t have it.
Still, since I’ve already made myself look like a spaz too much within the last couple of minutes, I force myself to stay put, a move my therapist would be proud of.
“You could always just play for me and make it all better.” One side of his mouth pulls up into a half-smile that makes my stomach somersault.
If I ever could somehow get around my blinding fear that I suck ass, I’d probably cave and do it. But the blinding fear does exist beneath my skin, polluting my body, possessing my mind and soul, just like all my other fears.
My fear owns me.
I swiftly shake my head. “I really wish I could, but I can’t.”
“But Nolan is going to hold it over my head forever that he’s heard you and I haven’t.” He pouts, jutting out his bottom lip in the sexiest way ever. “I’ll never get to hear the end of it.”
God, he looks so sexy right now that I’d almost do anything for him. But almost isn’t the same as can. “Sorry. I really wish I could, but I just … I just can’t.” Can’t imagine being the center of attention like that. Being so vulnerable.
“Sadie, relax. It’s cool,” he says. “If you don’t want to play for me, then that’s okay. I get it. Trust me; stage fright can be a real bitch.”
“Did you used to have stage fright, too?” I ask in surprise. “Because that’s kind of hard to picture.” Sage is one of the most confident people I know.
“Well, I didn’t have stage fright, per se, but I witnessed Lyric get over it.” He slants forward, resting his tattooed arms on his knees. “Although, she still hasn’t fully gotten over it. Last weekend, she almost threw up right before we went on.”
“I thought she was getting better?”
“That is better. She used to actually throw up.”
“I feel so bad for her. It has to be so nerve-racking being a singer and always being in the spotlight in front of all those people.”
He shrugs. “It’s not really a big deal. I think she only got sick last weekend because we sold out. There were so many fucking people there … It was crazy intense.”
I tuck a strand of my wavy brown hair behind my ear. “That’s really cool that you guys sold out, though, right?”
“Yeah, it is.” He grins. “Hopefully, our tour will sell out, too. Now, that’d be awesome.”
“I’m sure it will.” I’m proud of myself for carrying on a conversation without running away. I want to give myself a pat on the back, but I don’t want to give Sage even more reasons to think I’m insane. “You guys are really good.”
“Being good doesn’t always lead to being popular or successful, though,” he says. “Sometimes, it’s just plain luck.”
“I have a rabbit’s foot you can borrow,” I lamely joke. God, I’m such a dork.
“Yeah, I think it might take more luck than that.” He cocks his head to the side and studies me intently while nibbling on his bottom lip. “You could always come with us. Be our good luck charm.”
I promptly shake my head. “I’m far from lucky. In fact, I’m probably the unluckiest person ever.”
“You might think that, but I know it’s not true.”
I swallow hard as his words strike a nerve. “You barely know me, Sage, so trust me when I say that I won’t bring you any sort of luck.”
His lips part then close. Part then close. Then he starts to reach for me, but withdraws.
I watch his hand dance back and forth, terrified he’s actually going to put his fingers on me, touch me, create skin-to-skin contact. What if I freak out? Or worse, what if I like it way too much?
Then I get distracted by another thought. Why does he even want to touch me? He’s read the newspapers, knows some of the stuff that happened to me, knows I act like a freak almost all the time. Why would a guy like him want to touch a girl like me?
“You’re right.” He flexes his fingers as he settles his hand on his lap. “I don’t know you as well as I wish I did, but I want to. I mean, you’re living with Ayden and Lyric now, and I hang out with them all the damn time. I think it’s about time we started trying to be friends. That way, you won’t be so uncomfortable when I’m over here. I don’t want you to be afraid of me.”
I feel exposed, raw, like someone sliced me open and showed him all the fear living under my skin. Is it really that obvious that I’m afraid of him? Can everyone see it? See how I think the world is a big, scary place? If he can see it, can he see what else I’m hiding? Can he see how crazy I am?
“I’m not afraid of you.” I can’t even tell if I’m lying or not. “I’m just—”
“For the love of God, will you please stop trying to force her to be your friend?” Nolan says to Sage as he joins us, carrying a box of cookies. “Seriously, man, you’re embarrassing yourself.”
“I never embarrass myself.” Sage throws a cocky smirk at him. “That’s your thing.”
“Bullshit.” Nolan sinks down on the floor to the side of us and stretches out his legs as he pops a cookie into his mouth. “I can name, like, a hundred times this year alone you’ve made yourself look like a dumbass.”
Sage shakes his head, a grin playing at the corners of his lips. “You’re so full of shit. You don’t have any dirt on me. No one does. And you know why? Because I never get embarrassed.”
Nolan swallows the cookie, then a smirk spreads across his face. “Two words: Maggie McMellford.”
Sage’s grin plummets, and he narrows his eyes at Nolan. “That doesn’t count. And it didn’t happen this year.”
Nolan reaches into the box of cookies, looking rather pleased with himself. “Who gives a shit if it didn’t happen this year? It still happened.”
“You promised you’d never bring that up,” Sage warns, blasting Nolan with a look that could kill.
“No, I promised I’d never tell anyone exactly what happened,” Nolan retorts, resting back on his hands. “And technically, I haven’t. All I said was her name.”
My curiosity gets the best of me. “Who’s Maggie McMellford?”
“No one,” Sage says quickly at the same time Nolan grins and says, �
�An old friend of Lyric’s.”
Recognition clicks. “I actually think I met her a few times. Is she the girl who’s always … who likes to … who likes guys a lot?”
Nolan nods. “That’d be the one.”
I want to ask what happened between Sage and Maggie, but with how uncomfortable Sage is acting, I decide not to.
“You know, I don’t think you ever completely explained what happened between you two that night,” Nolan continues to torment Sage. “I only got some of the details.”
“And that’s all you’ll ever get,” Sage says firmly. “So quit being a dick and drop it.”
Nolan points a finger at Sage. “That was payback for telling Lyric about what happened with me and Janey.”
Sage rolls his eyes. “You deserved that.”
“No, I didn’t. You were just trying to be an asshole.” Nolan throws a cookie at Sage, and it pegs him on the forehead.
Sage glares at Nolan. Then an unexpected smile curve at Sage’s lips as he turns toward me. “Want to hear a little story about a girl named Janey who Nolan thought he was in love with?”
Nolan chucks another cookie at Sage. Sage picks it up and tosses it back at Nolan. Nolan laughs wickedly when he catches it in his mouth, and Sage shakes his head with annoyance.
Watching the two of them fight, I feel so … normal. Simply a girl hanging out with some friends or something. I just wish my heart would chill out and let me experience it fully without the anxiety.
“Well, one good thing came out of this fight.” Nolan picks up pieces of cookie from off the floor. “We got Sadie to smile.”
Sage’s gaze slides to me, and then his lips rise into a grin. “Well, will you look at that? Something good did come out of that disaster with Maggie McMellford.”
“I smile a lot,” I attempt to lie, knowing it’s not true.
The guys exchange a discreet, unconvinced look, making me feel like a freak of nature.
“You’re just not around me that much,” I lie again, not wanting to feel like a freak. “But I do, I swear.”
Sage thrums his finger against his lip. “Hmmm … Maybe. But I think, just so we have proof …” He doesn’t finish the thought as he sticks his hand into the pocket of his jeans and retrieves his phone. When he glances at the screen, his lips curve downward. Then pain and anger floods his eyes as he clutches the crap out of his phone.
I want to ask what’s upset him, but I’m nowhere near that bold.
With the snap of a finger, he then shakes the feelings away and snaps a photo of me.
I’m not sure if I’m smiling, but I’m sure I look silly—I usually do in photos. Still, he seems pleased with the picture, assessing his work with a smile. Watching him smile somehow makes the corners of my lips pull upward, and when he looks up at me again, I probably look like a grinning idiot.
He nibbles on his bottom lip, mulling something over. “It looks good, but I think we need to take one more.”
A second later, the magical, almost normal moment obliterates into dust as Sage stands up from the stool, moves beside me, and starts to lean in close … closer, closer …
I know what he’s trying to do. He wants to take a friendly photo of the two of us together. I know he won’t hurt me, but he gets too close too fast. Like, really, really freaking close way too freaking fast. It sets something off inside me. A blinding, uncontrollable fear as I feel his body heat drenching my skin. And the scent of his cologne mixed with cigarettes drowns me, pushes me down.
Sage must sense my fear because he suddenly freezes. “I’m sorry,” he quickly says, shifting away from me.
I struggle to get air into my lungs so I can tell him it’s okay, but I can’t calm myself down enough to form words, and Sage and Nolan look horrified as I verge toward a panic attack. It’s been a while since I’ve acted this spazztic, and I’m worried I might revert back to the Sadie that existed almost two years ago.
No, I’ll never go back.
Ever.
I refuse.
Well, I want to refuse.
But what if my mind and the dead girl won’t let me?
Sage slowly backs away from me with his hands up. “Sadie, it’s okay. I was only trying to take a picture of us.”
No, it’s not okay.
Nothing will ever be okay.
Because I’ll never be okay.
I’m a freak!
Ruined.
Broken.
“You deserve things to be that way.” The girl appears in the corner again. “Don’t you?”
I smash my quivering lips together, fighting back the tears as what I hoped would be a happy day turns into a disaster. I feel my sanity cracking, and the insanity pushing its way out. I’m going to lose it, right here, in front of Sage and Nolan.
Fortunately, for the sake of scaring the shit out of Sage and Nolan even more, the front door opens, and Lyric and Ayden walk in, carrying bags of groceries.
Relief washes over as I jump to my feet. “I can carry in more groceries if you need me to.”
“Sure. There’s a couple more bags in the car.” Ayden sets the bags he’s carrying down on the floor, his brows pulling together as I hurry across the living room toward the front door. “Is everything okay?”
I bob my head up and down. “I just want to help. You guys have been so good to me, letting me live here. I want to make sure I pull my weight.”
He’s not buying my excuse, but he lets me pass by, anyway.
As I run out the front door, I hear Lyric say in a teasing tone, “Man, we haven’t even been in our place for one day and you guys are already over here, eating up all our food. Sheesh, we need to set some boundaries or something.”
I keep walking as quickly as I can across the grass in front of the condo and to the carport. When I reach Lyric’s car, I allow a few tears to slip out as I lower my head into my hands.
“Why can’t I just be normal?” I curse in frustration. “What the hell is wrong with me?”
“Sadie.” Ayden’s voice startles me, and I jerk my head up. He’s standing a few steps away from me with his hands in his pockets and a cautious look on his face. “There’s nothing wrong with you at all.”
“I didn’t mean for you to hear that,” I admit, wiping away the tears with the back of my hand. “I’m sorry. I was just having a weird moment.”
“Don’t ever apologize for crying,” Ayden says. “I want you to feel comfortable enough around me that you don’t have to hide how you feel.”
“I’m not hiding how I feel.” I lean back against the car, folding my arms. “I just don’t want to burden you with my problems.”
“You’ll never be a burden. Ever,” he promises. “And no matter what it takes, we’re going to get you past the feeling that you’re always burdening everyone.”
“I wish I was that strong, but … I’m not like you. I don’t think I’ll ever get past that feeling, Ay. I’ve tried. God, I’ve tried. But I can’t get these feelings out of my head.” My voice shakes.
Besides my therapist, Ayden is the only person in the world I’ve ever expressed my feelings to. And the only reason I did was because Ayden coaxed it out of me by telling me his story first and letting me know that he understands what I’ve gone through.
He doesn’t know everything about me, though. Like how I see things that aren’t real. I’ll never tell anyone about that. If I did, I’d probably be locked up in a padded room.
“You’re much stronger than me.” He moves beside me, resting back against the car. “You were with them for so long … I can only imagine the stuff you saw.” A shudder ripples through his body. “You survived it, Sadie. You came out of it, and you’re here. You’re working on getting your GED, and you moved out on your own. You’re trying so hard to move past what happened.” He turns his head toward me, looking me straight in the eye. “That makes you so strong and brave. I just wish you could see that.”
I squirm at his compliment. “I’m not really living on my
own, though.”
He stands up straight. “Don’t try to twist around the compliment. Just own it, okay?”
I nod, knowing arguing with him is useless. “Thank you for the compliment.” Even though it’s not true. “And thank you for making me feel better. Sometimes I don’t know what I’d do without you.”
“I’m glad I can make you feel better. And I always want you to feel comfortable enough that you’ll talk to me about anything that’s bothering you, okay? Even if you’re just having a bad day, promise me that you’ll tell me about it.” When I nod, he smiles then walks around to the back of the car. “Sorry about Sage and Nolan just barging in.” He pops open the trunk. “I probably should’ve warned you it was going to happen.” He ducks his head and reaches for a few bags. “I wish I could say it won’t happen again, but I knew when Lyric gave them a key that they’d be over here all the time.”
“It’s okay. They weren’t bothering me or anything.”
“You looked upset when we walked in.”
“Yeah, but that’s because …” I suck in a breath. “Well, Sage got a little too close too fast, and I freaked out.”
He glances at me with a hint of anger. “Was he …? Was he hitting on you?”
I shake my head. “God no. Can you even imagine that?”
“Imagine what? Sage hitting on you?” he asks, and I nod. He shakes his head, his jaw ticking. “Um, yeah, I actually worry about that happening all the time.”
I snort a laugh, but my laughter dissipates as he remains serious.
“Ayden, I know you’re my big brother, and you kind of have to believe I’m much cooler than I am, but really, I’m a hot mess that no one in their right mind would want.” I sigh, shaking my head at the memory of my mini freak-out in front of Sage and Nolan. Then I step up beside him and grab a couple of bags out of the trunk. “And anyone who talks to me for, like, two seconds, figures that out.”
“You’re not a hot mess. You’ve just been through some stuff.” He waits for me to get the last of the bags then pushes the trunk closed. “And trust me; Sage will hit on you eventually, if he hasn’t already.” His expression hardens. “And when he does, I’ll be right there to warn him to back the fuck off.”
Fated by Darkness Page 5
