The Secrets We Keep

by Ella Jade

  “What if it’s not the flu? What if it’s something worse? What if it is the flu? People die from that.” She sobbed. “She started to feel sick yesterday. What if I waited too long? Maybe it’s my fault she’s dehydrated.”

  “None of this is your fault. Kids get sick. She’s healthy and strong. They’re going to make her better.”

  She leaned into me, resting her head on my shoulder. I did my best to comfort her but I was just as concerned for Zoey.

  “Ms. Cartwright.” Some young doctor, I assumed, approached us. “We’re going to swab Zoey for the flu. I’m also running some labs. The fluids she’s getting should kick in soon and she’ll start to feel better.”

  “Are you sure?” Kara asked. “Her fever is high. She’s lethargic. I’ve never seen her like this before.”

  “Dr. Vallin will be here in the next thirty minutes,” I told him.

  “Who is that?” Kara gazed at me with curiosity in her eyes.

  “The head of pediatrics,” the doctor standing in front of us answered for me. “What would make you think Dr. Vallin would consult on this case?”

  “Is Zoey not important enough for the head of pediatrics?” I inquired. “Doctor?”

  “Burns.” He glanced at Zoey’s chart, probably trying to figure out who she was. He wouldn’t find it in that chart but I knew who she was. My daughter would always get the best care possible. “I didn’t suggest that, Mr.?”

  “Trapp.” I extended my hand. “Xavier Trapp and I texted Dr. Vallin and told him I wanted him to join me here to consult on my…” I stopped and looked at Kara who already appeared stressed. There was no need for me to profess to this young doctor who I was. “I wanted him to diagnose Zoey.”

  “Mr. Trapp?” He thought for a moment. “You donated the land for the new pediatric oncology center. I was at the press conference last week when they announced it.”

  “You did?” Kara whispered.

  “That center is going to help a lot of sick children,” Dr. Burns said.

  “I hope so.” I nodded when I thought about Stan’s daughter. Hopefully, by the time this new center was done, she would be in remission. “Why don’t you tend to Zoey now and I’ll let Dr. Vallin know how on top of things you are when he arrives?”

  “Of course.” Dr. Burns shook my hand again as he spoke to Kara. “Your daughter is going to be fine.” He went into Zoey’s room.

  “How did you manage to get the head of pediatrics here?”

  “I asked him.”

  “Why am I not surprised?” She took a deep breath. “You get things done.”

  “I trust him. I want to make sure she gets the best care.”

  “You’re building a pediatric oncology center?”

  “I donated land I was never going to use. It’s being put to good use.” I motioned toward Zoey’s room. “Shall we go in?”

  She wiped her eyes. “I don’t want her to know I’ve been crying.”

  “You’re beautiful.” I stroked her cheek. “The best mom I know.”

  “I’m a wreck.” She leaned into my hand. “Thank you for coming.”

  “Where else would I be?”

  “The last time I saw you, well, I… things got pretty heated.”

  “You were upset.”

  “I shouldn’t have hit you. I don’t know what came over me.”

  “We don’t have to talk about that now. Our only focus is Zoey. I’m here because you need me. I want to be here for the both of you. We don’t have to worry about anything else. Not now.”

  “Okay.”

  As we entered the room, Sandra Ellis, Kara’s mother came to the door. I hadn’t seen her since Kara found out I’d been lying. I was sure she wasn’t pleased with the way I’d treated her daughter.

  “Xavier,” she said. “I’m so glad you’re here. My daughter did the right thing when she called you.”

  “I wouldn’t be anywhere else.” I gazed at the bed where my fragile, little girl slept. Her arm was hooked up to an IV and she was covered in blankets. “How is she?”

  “She finally fell asleep.” Sandra smiled at Zoey. “She was restless when we brought her here and the ER was a nightmare but now that she’s settled she can sleep.”

  I wanted to tell Kara she should have called me the moment they arrived and I would have made sure Zoey was seen immediately. But considering she didn’t have to call me at all, I didn’t want to mention it.

  Kara moved toward the bed and had a conversation with Dr. Burns.

  “The doctor said you called the head of pediatrics,” Sandra said. “It doesn’t surprise me.”

  “He’ll be here shortly.”

  “Kara and Zoey are lucky to have you. You’re a man who gets things done.”

  “I’m the lucky one,” I assured her. “I have a lot of making up to do.”

  “You made some mistakes.” She put on her sweater and I wondered if she was going to chew me out right here. “You were coming from a good place.”

  “I went about it all wrong.” Maybe she didn’t see me as the bad guy.

  “That’s a bit of an understatement but I see how much you love them.” She patted my arm. “They love you too,” she whispered. “Give my daughter time to process. She’ll see what’s right in front of her.”

  “Mom?” Kara joined us by the door. “What are the two talking about over here?”

  “Nothing,” Sandra said. “I’m going to get you something to eat.”

  “I’m not hungry,” Kara mumbled. “I can’t eat.”

  “You have to eat something,” Sandra insisted. “X, tell her.”

  “Why don’t you go and get something,” I suggested. “Kara and I will meet with Dr. Vallin and then, I promise, I’ll get Kara something to eat.”

  “At least make her drink her water.” Sandra shook her head. “She can’t get sick too.”

  “I’m fine.” She hugged her mom. “Go get some air.”

  “I’ll get Zoey something for when she wakes up. Maybe a cookie or pudding.”

  “I’m sure she’ll love that.” I stepped toward Zoey’s bed as Kara said goodbye to her mother. As I watched my angel sleep, I couldn’t help but notice how pale she was. The dark circles under her eyes and her chapped lips worried me as I placed my hand on her arm.

  “It’s good she’s resting,” Dr. Burns said. “I’ll be back in a bit.”

  Kara stood behind me, resting her head against my back. I closed my eyes, indulging in her warmth. She was scared for Zoey. That was why she had called me. I didn’t want to read too much into any of this. All that mattered was I was here for my daughter and her mother. In whatever capacity they needed me, I would be here.

  “You must be exhausted.” I took her hand and led her to the small couch by the window just a few feet from Zoey.

  “Do I look that bad?”

  “I already told you you’re beautiful.”

  “I didn’t sleep much last night. Zoey was uneasy, so we watched movies most of the night. This morning she was really sick. I’d never seen her that bad before. I panicked and brought her straight here.”

  “You did the right thing.” When I put my arm around her, she settled against me. “She needed the fluids.” I took her hand in mine. “I’m glad you called me.”

  “You’re her father.” She sighed. “Even if I don’t want to talk about it.”

  “We’re not going to discuss it now but if the issue of family history arises are you okay with me telling the doctor who I am?”

  “Not in front of Zoey, okay?”

  “Okay.” Her words pierced my heart. Would I ever be able to tell my daughter who I was? I held Kara close, trying not to reveal my disappointment. “Tell me something I don’t know about her.”

  “Like what?”

  “Why did you name her Zoey?” I had so many questions about the first four years of her life. Starting with her name seemed like as good a place as any.

  “When I was growing up, I had this friend named Allison. W
e spent a lot of time together in middle and high school. I guess you could say she was my best friend.”

  “I’ve never heard you mention her.”

  “I lost touch with her years ago.”

  “That’s odd in this day and age.”

  “Says the man with no personal social media.”

  “Don’t the gossip sites do enough damage?” Thank God none of them had gotten a hold of the real story between me and Zoey. “Tell me about your friend.”

  “She had a tough family life. She spent a lot of time at my house. In the beginning, I didn’t understand but as we got older and she opened up more, I realized her father was abusive, especially toward her mother.”

  “That’s terrible.”

  “Her mother was a unique woman. A child of hippies raised on love, peace, and flowers. A free-spirit who did anything for Allison. She was fun, creative, an artist, a writer. Nothing like any mom I’d ever seen.” Her face lit up when she spoke of this woman. “She baked cookies, taught us to dance to all the music of the sixties, and arranged hikes and outdoor sleepovers when her husband was away. Come to think of it, I never really saw him much. You would never know how hard her life was by just looking.”

  “Was her name Zoey?”

  “Yes.” She smiled. “I loved her name from the first time I was introduced. I’d never heard it before. It always stuck with me.”

  “What happened to them?”

  “Just after we graduated high school something terrible happened to Zoey. They said it was a suicide but Allison didn’t believe that. The details never added up but she wasn’t going to go against her father. The police investigated but nothing came of it. I left for college and Allison just left.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “She got on a bus ten years ago and disappeared. I’ve tried to reconnect with her on social media but she isn’t there. Maybe she changed her name or got married and doesn’t use her maiden name.”

  It wasn’t that difficult to find people. I could locate Allison but now probably wasn’t the time to bring that up. It would only serve as a reminder of how I found Kara and Zoey.

  “When I found out we were adopting a little girl, I knew what her name would be. I’d always loved it and in my own way it was a small tribute to Allison and her mom. The first Zoey was so vibrant and full of life.”

  “Zoey means life,” I said.

  “Our little girl is full of life.”

  “Did you mean to refer to her as ours?”

  “As much as I hate what you did to me, I can’t deny that you are her biological father.” She gazed at our sleeping beauty, changing the subject. “On the way over here, as sick as she was, she told me she wanted to get a manicure and pedicure.”

  “Did she?” I laughed.

  “Her friend Maddie gets them all the time. Maddie’s dad is rich.”

  “Not as rich as Zoey’s dad.”

  A hearty giggle escaped her lips. “You’re impossible.”

  “I made you laugh.”

  “You have a way of doing that.” She cuddled deeper into me. “She wants to sit in some fancy chair and have someone rub her feet.”

  “When she’s better, I’ll have Adrian arrange a spa day for you both. I’ll make sure they have the fanciest chair.”

  “Thank you for being here.”

  “Always.” I tilted her chin and gently kissed her lips. “I’ll always be here.”

  Kara

  Xavier carried Zoey to my room while I went to the kitchen to get some juice and water for her. I wanted her to have something to drink if she woke up thirsty. I stayed in the kitchen for a few moments, trying to compose myself. It had been a long, emotional day.

  When Zoey woke up this morning, she was so sick. She’d been fighting the cold and fever for two days. She was lethargic and could barely lift her head from the pillow. I’d never seen my baby so sick. I took a calming breath because she was going to be fine. It was a nasty virus and she was dehydrated. It got the better of her little body but she was going to be okay.

  There was no denying the look on her face when she woke up and saw X at the hospital. She told us she dreamt about him and wished he was there to see her. He had a way of making her dreams come true.

  I walked up the steps wondering how any of this would work out. It was all so complicated. I stood in the doorway as X held Zoey in his arms. He gazed out the window, quietly rocking her.

  “I’m here,” he whispered before placing her in the bed.

  My heart ached for what could have been. Why didn’t he just tell me the truth from the beginning instead of betraying me?

  After he tucked Zoey into my bed, he lingered by her side. Leaning down, he pressed his lips to her forehead. He glanced at me, catching me staring at him. I did the right thing by calling him. Zoey needed him. I needed him. His secrets didn’t matter tonight.

  “Do you need to do anything before I… go?” I heard the apprehension in his voice. “I can sit with her until you’re ready. I don’t mind.”

  “No.” I crawled into the bed next to Zoey. “I just want to be with her.” I pushed the bangs from her hair, noting how warm her head still felt. “I don’t want to leave her.”

  “I’ll let myself out.” He headed for the door. “Thank you for calling me. Please let me know how she feels in the morning.”

  “Don’t go.” I reached for his hand, not caring that I could regret asking this of him. “Can you stay with us tonight?”

  “If that’s what you want.”

  “Don’t you want that?” A tremble rolled through me when I realized how horrible his rejection would feel.

  “More than anything.”

  A sense of relief swept over me. As screwed up as our current situation was, I wanted him here with us.

  He slipped off his shoes before moving toward the bed. He’d already taken off his tie and jacket hours ago. After he removed his watch, he took his phone and wallet from his pocket and placed them on the nightstand.

  I inched closer to Zoey, so he could lie next to me. Sliding his arm underneath me, he held me to his side. I closed my eyes, pushing back the lump that formed in my throat as I cuddled into his strong hold. I missed him. The tears streamed down my cheeks before I could control them. Taking a deep breath, I tried to stop but it was too late. All the stress of the day broke free.

  “Hey.” He turned me to face him but staring into his beautiful blue eyes only made it worse. “She’s going to be okay. I brought in the best doctors. They wouldn’t have sent her home if they thought she was in any danger.”

  “I know.” I was worried about Zoey but the anxiety taking over my system wasn’t entirely about her. “It’s been a stressful few weeks.”

  “I take the blame for that.”

  “I’m not asking you to take the blame.”

  “I need you to forgive me.” He rested his palm on my cheek. “Please.”

  “I don’t…” My eyes filled with tears again. I wanted to scream and yell at him and tell him what a jerk he’d been for allowing me to trust him but hadn’t we done that already? What was my anger going to solve?

  “Don’t cry.” He lowered his mouth to mine. “I don’t want you to cry.”

  “X.” I bit my trembling lip. “I don’t know what to think. How to feel.”

  He didn’t say anything as our lips touched. As we kissed, I ran my fingers through his hair, wanting more than anything for all of this to be okay. I wanted him to be in our lives. He belonged in Zoey’s but…

  “Stop.” I pressed my hand to his chest. “I’m afraid to trust you.”

  “I came as soon as you called. I’m here. I’m trying to show you how committed I am.”

  “I know how committed you are to Zoey. That’s what got you here in the first place.” I turned and draped my arm over her. “Can we stop talking? I’m really tired. I need some rest. I don’t want to say anything that I’ll regret.”

  “Do you want me to stay?”

&nb
sp; “Yes.” I squeezed my eyes shut and repeated his words from earlier in my head. More than anything.

  18

  Xavier

  Sleep was elusive. I closed my eyes on and off for the past three hours. Each time I checked the clock only a few minutes had elapsed. Kara had succumbed to sleep about an hour ago. I was happy I could offer her comfort in my arms even if she was afraid to trust me. Why was that thought so devastating to me? What did I expect? I lied to her. It didn’t matter how much I tried to convince her that the lie stopped with Zoey’s paternity. Everything else between us was real.

  On the other side of the bed, I sensed Zoey stirring. When I glanced over at her, she sat up and looked around the room. Not saying anything, I waited to see if she’d fall back asleep. She turned and stared at me, probably wondering if she was dreaming.

  It’s not a dream, sweetheart. Daddy’s here.

  “X.” Her voice was low and scratchy. “I’m thirsty.”

  I gently removed my arm from underneath Kara before getting out of bed and making my way to Zoey.

  “Do you want water or juice?” Hell, at this point I’d get her a milkshake. I could make it happen, even at five in the morning.

  “Water.” She turned on her stomach and slipped out of bed. “I have to potty.”

  “Oh.” I walked over to the bathroom door and turned on the light for her.

  She slowly made her way to the bathroom, nowhere near the rambunctious child I’d grown to love these past few months but at least she was up and moving. I closed the door behind her, and then poured her a cup of water from the pitcher Kara had left on the nightstand.

  As I waited for Zoey, I watched Kara sleep. Wasn’t this the way it was supposed to be? Me, here with them? Taking care of them? How could I make her see that we could work this out and she could trust me? We were a family. Nothing could change that.

  “Can I have my water?” Zoey stood next to me. “Mommy is tired.”

  “We’ll let her sleep.” I handed her the cup. “How do you feel?”

  “Yucky.”

  “I think we can come up with a better word.” I grinned at her. “How about horrendous?”