The Secrets We Keep

by Ella Jade

  When she paused for a moment, I saw Lanie in her expression. Her nose crinkled and her mouth formed a line much like when Lanie was deep in thought.

  “Does it mean yucky?”

  “Yes.” I laughed. “It does.”

  “Then I feel horrendous.”

  “You look much better than you did before.”

  “When I was at the hospital?”

  “Yes, but I’m glad you’re home.”

  “Me too. I was cold there.” She placed the cup of water on the nightstand. “I’m done.”

  “Do you want something else?”

  She shook her head. “My legs hurt. They’re wiggly.”

  “You’ll feel better soon.” I took her blanket off the bed and sat in the chair by the window. “Do you want to sit with me for a bit?”

  She nodded before grabbing the stuffed lamb I’d bought her from the hospital gift shop off the bed. When she crawled into my lap, I noted her flesh didn’t feel as hot as it had when we came home from the hospital. That was a good sign.

  “You came.” She cuddled into my chest, her tiny frame fit perfectly in my arms. “To visit me.”

  “At the hospital?”

  “Yes, I haven’t seen you in a long time.”

  “I know.” It hadn’t been that long but to a child it must have felt like an eternity. Who was I kidding? It was an eternity for me.

  “Mommy says you’re busy. You have a lot of work.”

  “I’m never too busy for you.” I kissed the top of her head. “I promise.”

  “Why don’t you come over anymore?” She gazed into my eyes, reminding me how easy it was to love her. “Why can’t I come to your house or your work anymore?”

  No one had ever accused me of being speechless but this little one brought me to my knees.

  “I have been busy but that’s no excuse.”

  “I miss you.” When she placed her hand on my jaw, running her delicate fingers over my stubble, I nearly lost it.

  “I miss you too.”

  “Don’t go away, okay?” She yawned.

  “I won’t.”

  “Promise?” She closed her eyes and her breathing shallowed before I could answer her question.

  I’ll never leave you.

  How could I promise something if I didn’t know what the outcome would be? I’d never willingly leave her but Kara held all the cards. My only option would be to fight her hard in court for visitation. I had the resources to win. But was that what I really wanted? I could hear John so clearly in my head… just because you can do something, doesn’t mean you should. Isn’t that what got you into this position in the first place?

  Shut up, Alvarez! I’d do it all again if it meant having my daughter in my arms.

  “X?” Kara pushed herself into a seated position as she smiled at me.

  If it meant having Kara in my life.

  In her early morning sleepiness, she looked happy to see me. Maybe it was my imagination.

  “I fell asleep.” She glanced at the clock. “I was so tired.”

  “It’s good that you were able to get in a little rest.”

  “How is she? Did she wake up?”

  “She was thirsty.” I gazed down at her. “Her fever broke.”

  Oh.” She sighed in relief. “That’s great.”

  She moved to the edge of the bed, sitting so she could face me. “She loves you so much.”

  “She told me she misses me.”

  Pushing the hair from her eyes, she nodded. “She’s very attached to you.”

  “I want to tell her who I am.”

  “No.” She held up her hand. “Not yet. We don’t have anything settled.”

  “Maybe if we told her the truth, we could settle things.”

  “I’m not ready.”

  “Why?”

  “Why? Are you serious?”

  I didn’t think her question warranted an answer. I was Zoey’s father and she should know. I wanted to tell her that I loved her too.

  “You served me with papers after lying to me about who you were.”

  “You backed me into a corner. I didn’t have a choice.”

  “I backed you into a corner?” When she raised her voice, Zoey stirred in my arms. “You blindsided me.”

  I couldn’t argue that. “Now is not the time to discuss this.” I stood, placing Zoey back into the bed. “We’re tired and emotionally exhausted.”

  Kara pulled the comforter over her before getting up. “Where are you going?”

  “It’s almost dawn and I have an early meeting in the city.” I put on my shoes. “We’re not going to settle anything now. You should rest. It’s been a long couple of days for you.”

  “It’s been more than a couple of days.”

  “I know none of this has been easy for you.”

  When she wiped the tears from her eyes, I was reminded just how destructive I had been.

  “Thank you for letting me know you were at the hospital.” I gathered my wallet, watch, and phone. “I want to be in her life.”

  She didn’t respond.

  “Please don’t ask me to walk away because I can’t do that.”

  “She is the most important thing to me. Everything I’ve done from the moment she was given to me has been for her. I’m sorry you didn’t know she existed.” She stepped toward me. “But what you did.” She shook her head. “The way you did it. How am I ever supposed to trust you? How can I ever trust you with her?”

  “What are you saying?”

  “If you love her—”

  “You know I do.”

  “Then you’ll give me the space I need to process this. You’ll let me do this on my terms. At my own pace.”

  “That’s not something I’m accustomed to. I don’t work that way.”

  “Until you learn how to work that way, you’ll never be the father she needs.”

  19

  Xavier

  “I’ve made a horrible mistake.” Sitting in John’s office, I decided it was time to evaluate what I’d done.

  “Just one?” He set his tablet on his desk, appearing more smug than usual.

  “You must feel really good since you’ve been telling me from the moment I found out about Zoey that I was going about everything all wrong.”

  “I don’t take pleasure in you being wrong. I’m here to help you. I can’t live your life and I can’t tell you what to do.”

  “But you never would have done what I did.”

  “Most people wouldn’t.”

  “Most people aren’t me.”

  I only had myself to blame for this outcome. I knew the risks but continued with my plan anyway. The problem was, the plan stopped becoming a plan somewhere along the way. It became my reality. I was building a life, one that I didn’t know how much I needed until it was too late.

  “No, they aren’t.” He leaned back in his chair. “What are you going to do?”

  “What can I do? I can’t force Kara to do anything. We could go to court and fight it out but that doesn’t feel right to me.” It could take years if Kara continued to fight me. She could become bankrupt in the process and it would take precious time and energy away from her. The time she could be spending with Zoey. That was why she’d allowed Josh to get away with what he had. She didn’t want to fight him. The difference between me and Josh? I wanted to be in Zoey’s life. I couldn’t walk away. I needed Kara to understand that.

  “What does feel right?”

  “I want to be in their lives. I want to be a family.” Why was that such an unattainable goal?

  “You might be able to accomplish that but from what you’ve told me about Kara you may have to back off in order for that to happen.”

  “If I back off, Zoey suffers. She thinks I can’t see her because I’m too busy with work. As if I’d ever be too busy for her.”

  “Kara has asked you to back off.”

  “Why can’t she see that we’re better off together? When Zoey was sick, she called me. D
oesn’t that say something?”

  “I believe it does and that’s why you should do what she asked you to do. If you truly want a future with her, you have to give her the space she’s requested. Even if it doesn’t work out for the two of you, respecting her wishes will allow her to see that you have Zoey’s best interest at heart. You made the mess, now you have to wait for the dust to settle.”

  “Have we met?”

  When had I ever been patient enough to wait for anything? That was what got me into this mess in the first place. If I had allowed my attorney to handle things, maybe I wouldn’t be in this situation. But then the last few months wouldn’t have happened and I wouldn’t have traded those memories with Kara and Zoey for anything.

  “Waiting isn’t your strong point, I’ll agree but you can be patient. You’ve waited for the precise moment on many deals. You’ve beaten out plenty of opponents to get what you want. You didn’t do that by being hasty.”

  “You told me not to treat this like a business deal.”

  “If I recall, you didn’t listen.”

  “That’s your advice? Walk away? Abandon her?”

  “That’s not what I’m saying.”

  “It may as well be because if I can’t see that little girl on a regular basis, or ever, she’ll take that with her for the rest of her life. My only saving grace is she doesn’t know who I am to her.”

  Maybe she was better off that way.

  Kara

  As we sat in Jamie Montgomery’s office, my stomach twisted in knots. I hadn’t seen X since the morning he had stayed with us after Zoey had gone to the hospital. He’d done what I’d asked and gave me space. He hadn’t contacted me. The void of not having him with me and Zoey was unbearable but wasn’t that what I wanted? I told him to leave me alone and he did.

  I’d been thinking about this whole situation for weeks. I’d wanted to reach out to him and see if we could come up with a solution that worked for all of us. I didn’t know what that could be. In my heart, I wanted him by my side raising Zoey and the three of us living as a family. Maybe that would have been possible if I never found out who he was. There were days I wished Kate hadn’t revealed the secret and X was able to carry out his plan of marrying me and adopting Zoey.

  I’m crazy! Who would want to live a lie with a man you thought you could trust?

  “Is your client coming?” Dennis, my attorney, asked. “We don’t have all day.”

  “He’s on his way up,” Jamie said. “Can I get you some coffee?”

  “I’m fine, thank you.” That wasn’t really true but coffee wasn’t the solution. I clasped my hands and set them in my lap, waiting to get this over with.

  Dennis had warned me that if we couldn’t reach an agreement today, X would probably move forward and petition the court with his request for DNA testing and then visitation. He had deep pockets and a shark for an attorney. I didn’t want to tell Dennis but I didn’t want to fight. Maybe I could allow X to see Zoey. That was what my daughter wanted. I had to get over X’s betrayal long enough to think things through in a rational manner. I had to do what was best for Zoey. Denying her the opportunity to be with him would only hurt her in the long run.

  Wouldn’t she be better off with a father in her life who loved her? Didn’t he deserve a chance to be her dad? He had been robbed of the first four years of her life. That wasn’t fair.

  When X came in, my breath hitched in my throat. Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed Dennis observing me. Yes, I still have feelings for him. Somehow, he managed to make me lose my breath when he entered a room. Lose all sensibility.

  Xavier looked every bit the part of the dashing, charismatic billionaire bachelor that everyone wanted to know. From his striking black suit, all the way down to his shiny five-hundred dollar Italian leather shoes. As handsome and put together as he appeared, something was missing. When our eyes met, I realized he seemed tired, almost defeated. That wasn’t like him. He didn’t show his true colors when dealing with contracts and business. Did I know him well enough to see through the facade?

  Of course, I do. He’s hurting.

  “I apologize for my tardiness.” He cleared his throat as he approached Jamie.

  Tardiness. That seemed like a word he’d teach Zoey. She’d say she was late and he’d tell her she was tardy. I smiled when I imagined her repeating back the word to him.

  “No problem,” Dennis said. “When we fight this sham and win, you’ll be paying for my client’s legal fees.”

  “Send me the bill,” X countered. “I’ll take care of it today.”

  “Xavier,” Jamie warned. “Let me handle negotiations.”

  “About that.” He took out papers from his briefcase. “Would you mind if my attorney took a look at this contract I drew up?” He stared at me. “It won’t take long.”

  “No.” I opened the water bottle in front of me because my throat suddenly went dry. I’d been thinking about our last kiss and how right it felt. I wanted more than anything for him to be mine. “It’s fine.”

  Jamie took the contract from him, with a curious glare. “What is this?”

  “My solution,” he answered with a dry tone.

  “Are you sure?” Jamie read the papers in front of her. “This isn’t something I see every day especially not when the child has been adopted.”

  Dennis tapped the table with his pen, adding to my growing anxiety.

  “I’m certain,” X answered. “Let’s execute this today.”

  “Execute what?” Dennis asked. “What are you trying to pull?”

  X ignored Dennis and spoke to me. “Jamie will explain everything but before I go, I need to say something.”

  Go? Where is he going?

  “I didn’t have a say in Zoey’s fate but I don’t have any regrets as to where she ended up. She belongs with you. I never meant to disrupt that.”

  “I’d say you’ve done a very good job of disrupting their lives,” Dennis said.

  “Please.” I patted my attorney’s hand. “Let him finish.”

  “I only meant to see her that day in the park. I thought if I saw her, I could be satisfied with that but once I did everything changed.” He nodded toward Jamie. “As I said, it will all be explained but I need something from you.”

  “What?” My voice was just above a whisper.

  “You have to make sure Zoey knows that I would never abandon her. She may not remember me in a few years but when the time comes and you tell her about her biological parents, I need you to tell her that I’m out there and I’m waiting for her. I’ll always be waiting for her.”

  “What are you saying?” I didn’t like the look in his eyes. His drive and determination were missing.

  “I’m sorry for everything.” He headed for the door. “If the terms of that agreement aren’t acceptable have Jamie contact me.”

  “Wait.” I stood but Dennis touched my arm in an attempt to stop me. “You’re leaving?”

  “I’m doing this at your pace.” He opened the door. “On your terms.”

  He left. No more explanations. No more words. What the hell happened?

  I sat back down because my legs were unsteady. That all seemed a little too final. I never wanted him to walk away.

  “I-I don’t understand what just happened.” I sipped my water, trying to get a hold on my emotions.

  “Your daughter’s biological father is extremely generous.” Jamie handed the contract to Dennis. “I can’t imagine that these terms aren’t acceptable considering Xavier is under no legal obligation to support Zoey.”

  “What terms?” I asked.

  As Dennis read through the contract, Jamie began throwing out numbers. Really big numbers.

  “You’ll receive child support once a month,” she informed me. “That’s independent of Zoey’s needs such as clothes, extracurricular activities, and any child care. Xavier will cover her education through college including any post graduate studies.”

  “College?” That wa
s fourteen years from now.

  “He has also set up a trust fund that Zoey will receive on her twenty-fifth birthday. According to these numbers your daughter is going to want for nothing. She’ll be a very wealthy girl.”

  But she won’t have Xavier in her life.

  “What about visitation and custody?” Surely, he wasn’t walking away from her?

  “There are no conditions to this,” Dennis said. “He wants to provide for Zoey but he has no demands.”

  My terms…

  “If you have any questions, you can direct them to me.” Jamie took the contract. “I’ll make sure you get a copy and we’ll set up an account where the money can be deposited each month. There’s also a stipulation in there that the support can be increased as Zoey matures.”

  “More money?” The monthly allowance was far too generous. How could we possibly need more?

  “When she needs a car and car insurance. Proms, homecomings, graduation.” Jamie continued. “Unforeseeable things.”

  “So, that’s it? I just walk away now?” None of this made sense. “Xavier was so intent on being in her life.”

  “I’m quite surprised too,” Jamie said. “X is a determined man. He doesn’t walk away from many situations. You and your daughter left an impression on him. This,” she waved the contract at me. “Was not easy for him.”

  “It isn’t easy for me either,” I admitted.

  “Are you kidding?” Dennis smacked the table. “You won.”

  “Did I?”

  20

  Xavier

  Coming from Jamie’s office and jumping back into my work seemed like a good idea. I had three contracts waiting for me, two pending sales, and plenty of emails to answer. Instead of concentrating on my business, I found myself staring at the photos on my desk. The one of me and Zoey at the library, another of Kara and I at the black-tie affair, and one of all three of us in front of the tree in Rockefeller Center. And then there was the picture she had drawn for me. By far the best gift anyone had ever given me.

  Zoey made me promise her I’d take her to the city to see the giant tree. I’d effectively broken every promise I’d made to her. Not to mention how I’d shattered any trust Kara had in me. I deserved all of this but Zoey didn’t. Providing for her was the least I could do. She was entitled to everything I had. I had my people updating my will, leaving the majority of my fortune to my sole heir.