Wanting Amanda

by Wendy Silk

  “No, Amanda, those were your words,” he replied. “I told you I was going to show you what things would be like between us. Now you have no choice but to see that I’m the one in charge. Even when you think things are candy sweet between us, I’ll always be the one calling the shots. Not you.”

  He turned on his heel and let himself out of the dark pantry. Amanda closed her eyes at her own stupidity as she heard the door of the kitchen swinging. The caterers would not return until she was accounted for; they were consummate professionals.

  She arranged her own clothes, noticing that the skirt of her dress was serviceable enough to make it through the rest of the evening. After that, she would throw it away. What kind of fool was she? She had leaned on sex as a way to find a breakthrough with a man she knew she didn’t like. Any idiot would have seen that it wouldn’t work.

  Amanda patted her chignon, drawing the wisps behind her ears. Having bad sex didn’t make you an idiot, she chastised herself. But it didn’t make you the smartest woman in the world, either. There had to be some way to get out of this situation.

  Returning to the public stage that was her party, from which she had been absent only ten minutes or so, she drew her breath against her adversary; her fiancé.

  Chapter 5: Explanations

  “Where have you been?” Hailey approached Amanda as she appeared from her hiatus in the kitchen. Hailey was not actually wringing her hands with worry, but she was close to it. She wordlessly steered Amanda toward one of the unused bedrooms. Once there, she gently brushed down Amanda’s dress with her hands. She didn’t ask what had happened to it.

  All she said was, “Amanda, I don’t know what you guys are thinking, but you have your mom’s feelings to consider.”

  “Hailey, that’s not fair,” Amanda responded. “I’m not the one who behaved so badly. That was him.”

  “Fair or not, you still have this party to finish. Nathan is out there having some of his best wines passed around to distract people. Nevertheless, you’ll need to make an appearance immediately to try to smooth this over. Once you have said all your goodbyes properly, then I want to talk to you about what in the world is going on.”

  Amanda nodded mutely. She raised her head up with a determined tilt, and followed Hailey back toward the party noises of clinking glasses and muted laughter.

  In the end, it did not take long for the guests to depart. There was no shortage of people who couldn’t quite meet her eyes, or who had heard of an emergency happening at their own home, to which they had to flee. Michael’s speech had broken one of the most fundamental rules of Upper East Side society: making everything look as if it came with ease.

  Just as the last couple nodded their way out, with warm smiles to Jennifer, Amanda turned to look for her fiancé. He was nowhere to be seen.

  Jennifer saw her confusion and answered the unspoken question. “Michael and Nathan both let themselves out the back way a few minutes ago. It seems that they had some drinking to do at their club.”

  “Were they arguing?” Amanda asked. She almost wished they had been, so that she could have some hope that Michael’s threat to her would come out into the open.

  “No,” Jennifer answered, sounding puzzled. “I would have thought that Nathan would be more unhappy with Michael’s conduct than he was. I didn’t understand that part, but they looked very buddy-buddy.”

  She gave her daughter a level look. As she sat on the pristine white couch, she removed her high heels with a tired exhale. Patting the seat next to her, she directed a command at Amanda. “Sit down.”

  Amanda did, although she chose the chair across from her mother. Perhaps placing some distance between them might make her mother more forgiving of her own failings this evening. As she looked across the room toward the ornate wall clock that showed it was still just shy of eleven, she noticed Hailey’s slim figure disappearing down the hallway to her own room. They would talk later, but at this moment, Amanda was grateful for her friend’s tact.

  “Mom, I feel like there’s a lot we haven’t talked about. But I don’t think we can.,” Amanda’s voice quavered. “How do you do it, Mom? How do you make everything look so easy, with never a hair out of place?”

  “Amanda, what are you talking about?” Jennifer smiled indulgently at her daughter. “I don’t know what all this meant tonight. You know I don’t always understand the choices of your generation. But I’ve always told you that I would try.” Her features were struggling between firmness and amusement. “I did see you disappear to the kitchen with Michael.”

  Amanda’s panicked look revealed that she hoped the entire room hadn’t noticed it.

  “No, I only saw because I was watching you so closely,” Jennifer reassured her. “Everybody else was distracted by the wines. Nathan was in fine form this evening, making sure everybody had a good time.” She frowned unmistakably. “Which is more than I would say for Michael. What was that all about? It was awful.”

  “I know, Mom,” Amanda sighed. “He has a lot of issues. I guess I’d better say now that we have a lot of issues.”

  “I don’t want to pry, but was it true what he said? Are you pregnant? I wish you’d told me before this. There’s a lot to be happy about if you are, but I wish I hadn’t found out this way, in front of so many people.”

  “Mom, stop,” Amanda interrupted Jennifer’s musings. “Of course it’s not true. You know I’ve been getting the hormone shot for years. I wouldn’t give up all my plans to have a baby right now. In the future, yes, but this isn’t the right time.”

  “Well, that’s one thing out of the way.” Jennifer’s voice became brisker. Without the possibility of an impending adorable grandchild, she was now focused solely on the humiliation that Michael’s public tirade had caused them all. “Can you explain the rest of his behavior? Why was he so intent on embarrassing you and our guests?”

  “I wish I could explain it, Mom,” Amanda replied. “I am finding that I don’t understand anything he does. I know why I agreed to marry him, but I think it may have been a mistake.”

  Jennifer took this in. Her correct guess about what they had been up to in the kitchen informed her response. “Do you mean that you agreed to marry him just because you have good sex? I don’t mean to embarrass you, but if that’s the only thing you have, it doesn’t seem like a great idea to decide to do something as permanent as getting married.”

  “No, it’s not even that.” Amanda struggled to answer this line of thought without feeling like a fool. “Mom, we don’t have a good sex life. Ugh, it’s hard enough even saying that phrase about us. I know you’ve guessed what happened in the kitchen, but I wish it hadn’t. No--” she shook her head as Jennifer looked alarmed. “No, it wasn’t like that. I told him I wanted to do it. It felt like a good idea at the time. We’re engaged, after all. It’s just that it wasn’t good.”

  Jennifer leaned back, resting her aching head. “Honey, I don’t understand. Are you saying that you’ve chosen to marry somebody that you’re not compatible with in any way at all? I’m mystified about why you are doing this. Can you tell me why?”

  Amanda shook her head. “Mom, I just can’t explain it. I know he behaved badly in front of everyone. I’ll just have to talk to him and see what I can do to keep it from happening again.”

  “Amanda, that’s no way to begin a marriage,” Jennifer chided her. “I’ve been married twice: to Nathan and of course to your father. What you’re describing sounds like a nightmare. Where’s the respect? Why isn’t he taking care of what you need as well?”

  Amanda felt her eyes well with tears. Before her mother could see them, she unfolded her legs from her chair and pretended to yawn as she stood.

  “Mom, I know you mean well, but it’s complicated. I have to find my own way.” In lieu of a hug, she tried for a breezy kiss blown from her hand, but she feared it looked as awkward as it felt. “Good night, Mom. Thank you for the party; I know you put a lot into planning it. This is all going to be ok. Rea
lly.”

  Chapter 6: Confrontation

  As the night lengthened, Amanda waited quietly in her room. She held a novel loosely in her hands, but her eyes did little more than focus briefly on the same words repeatedly. She knew that her mom and Hailey would think she was asleep after the busy day. Sleep would never come for her, though, not until she had spoken to the person who held her future in his hands.

  It was after midnight when Amanda crept quietly from her room with the plan of finding Michael and Nathan at their exclusive men’s club in midtown Manhattan. She had changed into jeans and boots, with an oversized gray wool sweater topping it off. After the party, it had been an exquisite relief to remove her dress. Michael had pushed it aside as if it was nothing. Now it rested in the trash, bundled into a tight pile that she would never have to see again.

  Wearing jeans made Amanda feel tougher than the girl who had simpered in her silk dress about whether things could be repaired between her and her fiancé. Her hair was now in a plain ponytail and her face was free of makeup. The changes subtracted years from her apparent age, but made her feel like her real self was showing.

  Amanda tiptoed out of the apartment. If she took the back stairs to the service elevator, she would make no noise that might wake up her mother. She had listened closely since the apartment had become still that night. Nathan had not yet returned. Judging from past experience, that meant he was either at his office or at the club that he and Michael frequented. She was banking on the latter.

  Both Nathan and Michael were members of a private club where alumnae of their elite university socialized. They were different types of members. Nathan felt assured of his place with his lifelong friends, and visited the club with nothing to prove, while Michael used it as a place to improve his connections, always on the lookout for a moment with an influential man. Although the idea of a men-only elite club was undeniably antiquated, the tradition stood. Amanda had never been inside the club itself. Tonight, she would push her way in if necessary, to find a way to pry herself free from the influence of the two men.

  Amanda stepped from her cab onto the sidewalk, where dirty puddles had formed from the night’s rain. It was reckless to be out so late alone, but she felt fearless.

  As she reached the double doors, she was spared the necessity of trying to talk her way into a forbidden zone. The two men she was in search of were right there on the steps, just leaving. They were close to blind drunk, their steps weaving and their voices raised as they traded jokes.

  Amanda placed herself in their path, making it impossible for them to miss her. “How is it that you two are such good friends?” she asked, her bravado holding up for at least her first words. “Doesn’t it bother you, Nathan, that your buddy is blackmailing me? Us?”

  “Amanda, what are you doing here?” Nathan was not so drunk that he would allow another public spectacle to develop if he could prevent it. He put a strong arm around her shoulders and turned to lead her back into the club. “Michael, come with us,” he threw over his shoulder, brooking no argument from the younger man.

  They walked past the doorman and made an immediate turn into a private reception room. The polished wood panelling and exquisitely upholstered chairs made the space a haven from the chill of the street just outside. Although no members had been in the room prior to them, a comfortable fire burned on the hearth.

  Nathan, looking far less steady on his feet than he had earlier that evening, dropped heavily into a chair. He gestured the others to sit. Michael followed suit, but Amanda continued to stand. Her anger was all that was propelling her now; letting down her guard would only allow her underlying hurt to show.

  “Amanda,” Nathan began, “I imagine you are here to ask me why I allowed Michael to speak to you like that in our home.” He was tired, but he was as direct as ever. “You must be thinking that I am a villain, an awful stepfather, to have encouraged you to be with him. You’ve discovered his ruthlessness and (if you’ll excuse me, Michael) his repulsiveness.”

  Michael sat comfortably in the warmth of the fire, merely nodding his assent at Nathan’s barb. He waved his left hand as if to say that not only did he not dispute the characterization, he welcomed it.

  “Yes, I know all about it,” Nathan continued. “I know he’s told you that you must marry him, and I know why you’ve said yes.” As Amanda sputtered, he asked, “Did you think I didn’t know?”

  She glared at him, the wind rapidly leaving her sails. “Nathan, how? How could you let this go so far? Perhaps it made sense to try to set us up, to tell Michael that you’d do your best to see if we liked each other. But look where we are now. You actually let Michael pull that stunt at our party, and you made no move to stop him. Even now, you’re here drinking with him like old friends! How could you?”

  Nathan drew a long breath. He met her eyes squarely, ever the pragmatist. “Amanda, he’s got me over a barrel. Michael was telling the truth when he told you he has the proof necessary to put me in prison. Whatever nonsense he’s put you through, it’s not worth ruining your mother’s life. Just think about that. If Michael goes to the SEC with his proof, I’ll end up in prison, with our fortune wiped out. It’s not me I’m thinking about, or my family name. It’s Jennifer. She has such faith in me and in my abilities to make good decisions. If she had to face this, it would kill her.”

  Amanda paused. “Nathan, I don’t think you’re giving her enough credit. She’s much stronger than that.”

  “She is now,” Nathan replied. “It’s been years since she lost your father and was left all alone in the world with a daughter to raise. You didn’t see her then from an adult perspective. I did, and I can’t countenance putting her through that again.”

  “Do you mean that you expect me to sacrifice my own life to make up for what you’ve done? Nathan, that’s incredibly irresponsible. I can’t marry somebody I despise, just because you think I’m the solution to your problems. Problems you’ve caused, I might add. You’re a lawyer: you knew insider trading was illegal. The only way you could have been caught at it was a combination of greed and stupidity.”

  Nathan nodded slowly. “Yes, both of those words describe me. I thought I could get away with some things. I was cocky. But here we are. Do you want to see your mother penniless? She’s doing important work with her charities right now. Would you let all that vanish for her?”

  Amanda finally sank into the third chair in the glow of the firelight. Her momentum was dwindling as Nathan parried her arguments with admissions.

  “Amanda, I know this isn’t ideal,” Nathan said. “But parts of it could be enjoyable for you.” He directed a patrician nod at Michael. “He’s not bad looking, and he’s very rich. You like to pretend that money means nothing to you, that you would be happy back in the suburbs. But I know that you love the way it gives you the security to do anything you want. Being rich is what allows you to travel; it gives you the freedom to choose whatever work you want to pursue. When you marry Michael, you’ll be free from concerns about money. You’ll find ways to accommodate each other.” Something briefly flickered in her stepfather’s eyes, then was gone. “It’s true, you won’t know what it is like to marry for love, as I have been fortunate to have done. But marrying for money, for convenience, is not so unusual.”

  Amanda rubbed her forehead. Nathan’s impeccable logic made this charade almost appear possible. Was there no way in which she could salvage her own needs?

  She drew a shaky breath. “Nathan, are you saying that you see me as somebody who would make an arranged marriage for financial reasons?”

  Nathan’s lips compressed. “Amanda, my dear, I have always seen you as a person who could do anything you needed to do. You like living expensively. Attractive men interest you. I think you’re splitting hairs a bit, making a fuss over this.”

  Michael, who had remained still and silent through the debate, finally spoke. “You don’t need to try to talk her into this, Nathan. That’s already been done.” He showe
d his teeth. “Discussing it might make the two of you feel better about each other, but I don’t care about that.”

  Amanda had allowed the warm, well appointed room to lure her into a frame of mind in which she almost began to believe she had no choice but to marry Michael. Yet his aggressive manner sparked outrage in her, as it always did. She scanned Michael’s face to see if she could find any shred of humanity in it. Failing at that, she turned toward her stepfather. He sat comfortably, having reached a state of mind in which the contract had been agreed upon.

  Chapter 7: Bargaining

  “I can’t agree to this.” Amanda’s words fell into the cozy air with more finality that she had hoped to muster.

  The two men had been so sure that she would do as she was told. With her refusal, they each began to calculate new options. Michael crossed his legs and gazed at the glossy black tip of his shoe. He flexed his hand at his side, as if he could use it to brush away the objections of the bit players in his life.

  Nathan drew a shaky breath that told Amanda that he was perhaps not as sanguine as he would like them to believe. “Amanda, I’ve explained this to you. We really need you to go through with this. Your mother and I are asking it of you.”

  Amanda’s anger overflowed. “No, Nathan. She isn’t asking this of me. She never would! She doesn’t know a thing about it, I’m sure of it. She would never treat me as a token to be bartered, or suggest I would be happy being bought.”

  Nathan bowed his head slightly. “You’re right, of course. She doesn’t know anything about this.”

  “I’ll tell her.” Amanda pressed her advantage. She turned to Michael. “If you go through with this and leave her penniless and disgraced, I’ll tell her it was you. She would never stay silent about that; you can’t intimidate her. Michael, I’ll bring you down with us. You’ll be ruined socially. Nobody our family calls a friend would ever speak to you, and you can count on the fact that that includes everybody you want to know.”