Wanting Amanda

by Wendy Silk

  Michael’s hand now opened flat, smoothing his trouser leg in a nervous motion. He met her eyes for a moment, then looked away. Licking his lower lip, he murmured, “Why can’t you just go along with this, Amanda? It’s really what your own stepfather recommends for you.” Shifting toward bargaining mode, he asked “What would make this possible for you, then? I won’t give up, I can tell you that. I never do. Is there something I can give you that would make this easier for you?”

  Michael reached his hand up to his coat pocket. “I had forgotten this. Earlier this evening, I had planned to give you a small memento of the night of our engagement party. Before we were distracted by our...ahem...discussion in the kitchen.”

  Nathan’s frown of distaste alerted Amanda that he too had noted her absence from the party and had made his own guesses about her disheveled appearance immediately afterward. Had everybody at the party spotted that?

  Michael rose to his feet, drawing their attention back to him. He pulled from his coat a long blue box. “Amanda, my dear, I chose this for you. I know how you like diamonds.” He looked down at her left hand and assimilated for the first time since they had entered the club together the fact that she wore no ring. She had worn it to the party for the sake of appearance, but it was now in the same drawer at home where it had spent most of its time in her ownership.

  Michael continued after his almost imperceptible pause. “You’ll see how perfectly this bracelet matches your ring. You’ll shine like the stars when you wear these diamonds.” His attempt at poetry fell flat as he reached for her wrist, only to have her snatch it away. With an effort at smoothness, he placed the open box on the arm of her chair. It was true. The diamonds glistened in the firelight like nothing she had ever seen before. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Nathan tent his fingers and nod faintly at the effort at a courtly gesture.

  Something changed in Amanda as she saw her stepfather’s approval. He had been good to her over the years; Hailey had been right in that. Seeing him go to prison, and worse, watching her mother go through that, would be devastating.

  “Michael, there is something,” she said. “There is one thing you can give me that could make this possible.” She was grasping at straws to try to find a solution that could work for her. Thinking of the future was difficult. In the near term, though, she might be able to find a compromise.

  “Michael,” she stated evenly, “I will go forward with this and marry you. But I have one condition. Let me have a year of grad school. If I can live my own life for just one year, then I’ll come back and we’ll get married. I promise.” Her voice was far more confident than her heart as she spoke, but she carried on. “After tonight, I certainly can’t stay here. I can’t live in New York and know that everybody is watching me, gossiping about me, waiting to see if the tale you spewed tonight was true. I can forget about my master’s degree at Columbia; that part of what you said was a fact.”

  Amanda drew a long breath, feeling the pain in her heart at letting that dream die. “Let me have one year in Texas, where Hailey is doing her grad work. I’ll even sign a contract that says I’ll come back and marry you. I just need a little time to be free.”

  “Amanda, my dear,” Michael watched her with his ruthless shark eyes. “You need to know that this is not really your decision. It is mine, just as you are.” His eyes flickered over her face. He still stood at her side, and as he leaned down, the smell of whiskey wafted toward her.

  He reached out, running his fingers along her collarbone. Amanda stared up at him, unflinching. Her breaths were shallow as he touched her, but she did not step back. Crudely, Michael ran his hand down to cup her breast. His fingers pinched her nipple so hard that she gasped. Despite her hatred for him, she felt herself responding. He looked at her, smiling at the knowledge that he could do that to her. Nathan pretended to study the ornate mantelpiece.

  “Yes,” Michael answered. “I will allow you one year. After that, you will return to me and I will own you. Don’t try to back out. There will be a contract, just as you said. More importantly, you need to remember that your own stepfather knows you are marrying me without love. He knows you are a foolish society girl who will marry for money. I can humiliate you in front of all your friends, and you can’t stop me. Everybody knows this now.”

  Amanda felt his cruelty like a cold hand on her neck. How could she ever have thought that he was even dating material, let alone her future husband? Yet this small concession that he had shown her, for whatever reason, was what allowed her to breathe again. One year of freedom. It would have to be enough.

  Chapter 8: Reinvention

  After what had felt like endless packing and driving, then the minor discomforts of flying first class, Amanda found herself in the South. She had never been to Austin before; she had never visited Hailey there. Even when her best friend graduated from college, the timing had been incompatible with Amanda’s own finals at Columbia, so she had sent her congratulations over the phone rather than being there in person.

  Now, Amanda found herself reveling in how different it was from everything familiar to her. The August heat was stifling, making her thin t-shirt stick to her wherever it touched. All anybody talked about was how long it had been since it had rained. The bugs were different here: as the tree roaches scuttled across the sidewalk, even in broad daylight, they looked large enough to carry a person away if they wanted to.

  Amanda breathed in the smell of the warm cookies she had just bought as she walked down the street that she was learning to think of as “the Drag.” The concierge at her luxurious private dorm had told her she should walk up to the bagel shop. Once there, Amanda found she was ravenous for the comfort foods that she could never order with Michael around. She smiled at the thought that if she kept eating everything that smelled good, she might have a different appearance when she returned to New York in a year.

  On this sweltering Sunday afternoon, crowds of new students bustled around her, stopping into bookstores, waving their cardboard cups of coffee, and most of all, calling out noisy greetings to friends. She had been able to enter the prestigious MFA program at the last minute, with help from Nathan’s New York connections. Now that she was here, her sense of not knowing anybody was acutely pleasurable. In Austin, her life could be whittled down to the simple routines of going to classes and blending in as best as she could with people her own age. For Amanda, it was bliss.

  Here she was anonymous in the best way possible, with the power to make new friends on her own terms. If she chose a lover, it would be her secret, a memory that she would later have for herself to when she returned to New York and Michael. Would she meet anybody? Amanda felt even warmer as she recalled the men that she had been involved with in Dublin. She had not exactly meant to be promiscuous when she was in Ireland, but it was true that she liked to act on her feelings when she was drawn to a hot guy. That was one of the pleasures of youth. She smiled to herself as she strolled happily down the main shopping street.

  “Don’t I know you?” The question came from a dark haired, tall and skinny young man who stopped in front of her on the sidewalk with a broad grin. “I know that sounds like a line,” he continued. “OK, I know this is crazy, but aren’t you Hailey McDonald’s friend?” Amanda blinked at him, knowing with certainty that they had never met.

  The gangly student laughed at her expression. “Really! It’s ok! I’m Sam; I’m a friend of hers. I’ve been up at Hailey’s place so many times that I’d know you anywhere from your picture. She has that photo of you two on a sailboat in her living room. You know, with the white hats?” His chatter was both comforting and flattering to Amanda. She knew just what photo he meant--she had a copy of the same picture that she kept on her nightstand. It was one of her best memories, from a summer that Hailey had spent visiting her and they had been young enough to enjoy all the perks of Nathan’s wealth without knowing enough to wonder whether the rest of their lives would be so blessed.

  “Sam.” She s
miled and held out her hand. “I’m Amanda.” Her face blossomed into a bright smile, which he couldn’t help but return. She had two friends in Austin now. Meeting somebody new was just what she had needed today.

  “So, Amanda, tell me about yourself,” Sam uttered the cliché with a grin. “You look like...let me see. You look like a woman who just came here from far away, who hasn’t met many people in town yet.”

  “Wow, did you learn that from your crystal ball?” Amanda joked. “I know it’s pretty obvious that I’ve just arrived here. I’m trying to figure out what to do next, other than work on my degree, of course.”

  Sam nodded. “Well, that is what we all spend most of our time doing. I’m working on my doctorate, so I see Hailey in the chem lab a lot. What little time there is left, we spend hanging out. You do have to have some social life, you know.” He glanced down at her left hand. “I could have sworn that Hailey said she was going to an engagement party in New York. Wasn’t it you that got engaged?”

  Amanda tried not to wince. “Yes, I did. She did. I’m here now, though.” She hadn’t prepared for this question, thinking that nobody here would know a thing about her. “So, Sam, tell me more about the options for a social life here. Are you heading this way? Want to walk me back to my dorm?”

  Sam took the heavy hint that she would not discuss being engaged. He looked again at her left hand, appearing far more interested in her lack of a diamond than any man she’d met before. He fell into step with her as they walked toward the tall, historic building where Amanda was living.

  “Why are you living in a dorm?” he asked. He had the abrupt way of asking questions of somebody who did indeed spend too much time staring at lab results in silence. “I mean, you’re old enough to live on your own, surely. Why didn’t you get an apartment?”

  “Yes, that’s a good question,” Amanda replied. “I’m not sure about that myself, but I guess the short answer is that I have some controlling family members. My stepfather knew about this place, and he said it was the best of the best. I’d have the services, the parking. What reason could I have for wanting to strike out when this is luxury itself?” She wasn’t quoting Nathan, though. It had been no surprise when Michael had wanted to become involved with the plans for how she would spend her year away. For the most part, she had fended off his input, but one cost of that had been to acquiesce on this issue.

  “Really, though,” she added, “it is beautiful. Have you ever been up to see it?”

  Sam shook his head firmly. “Nope. I haven’t ever known anybody who would live here. Or wanted to know them, to tell the truth.” His eyes lit up with humor. “Until now, of course. But I do have to get going. Maybe another time?”

  As she waved to Sam’s receding figure, Amanda was already calling Hailey. They would need to talk about this guy, and where he stood with Hailey. He’d mentioned being up in the living room of her apartment. Were they dating?

  “Hailey, I’m glad you picked up,” said Amanda. “I had to tell you, I just met a guy named Sam, and he says he knows you.”

  “He sure does!” Hailey answered in a happy tone. “He’s actually on his way over here right now. I’ll have to answer the door in a minute. Did you like him?”

  Amanda answered without reservation. “I really did. He sure likes you a lot. He wouldn’t even come up to my rooms when I asked him.”

  “Amanda, stop it.” Hailey chided her best friend, with a slight edge to her voice. “I know you aren’t used to any man turning you down when you wave your blonde hair and bat your long eyelashes, but really, this guy is mine.”

  “I didn’t mean that,” Amanda giggled. “Neither of us was interested in the other. There was just no chemistry.”

  “Ha ha. You are super funny,” Hailey replied. She wasn’t mad. “But you can think of Sam as the first new man you’ve had a conversation with since you left Michael behind. Wasn’t it exhilarating to meet somebody? Even if you couldn’t really date him,” she hurried to add.

  Amanda nodded, although Hailey couldn’t see her. “It was. That feeling that you might meet somebody at any moment who’s perfect for you. How is it that I’m still having it? Even though I’m not wearing his gaudy ring, I am still engaged to Michael. Shouldn’t I feel more resigned about it?”

  Hailey answered, “I’m not giving up on you, Amanda. At some point, you’re going to have to find the strength to break it off. I know you--I understand that you’re worried that you’re a bad person because you agreed to marry without love. But trying to protect people you love is something special. It’s not the same as marrying a rich man for his money, no matter what you think about yourself.” There was a pause. “Listen, I have to go. Sam’s here, and we have plans to see a movie. We’ll be around next weekend, though. Want to hang out? You can see what it’s like being a humble grad student, not a fancypants deb.” Hailey’s care for her best friend’s welfare showed through her teasing words, taking the sting from them.

  As Amanda hung up, she felt amused at the idea that she would have wanted to date Sam. He was a nice kid, but not the kind of guy that turned her on. She needed a man to be a strong type, the rugged sort of guy that could encircle her with muscular arms. She admitted to herself that maybe this hadn’t quite worked out in her attraction to Michael. Was it possible that she was going about this all wrong and that she needed a strong man who would protect her, not dominate her? It was fun to think about, but she also knew that any guy she met now would be just a temporary distraction from the fate that awaited her back in New York. She had already made her choice and she would stand by it.

  Chapter 9: Wanting

  After only a week, Amanda knew that her life in Austin would be just what she needed. It was turning out to be a hot, muggy, and relentlessly sunny September, even by Texas standards. She was covered in a fine sheen of perspiration from morning to night, despite the air conditioning in the university buildings.

  When she wanted to work on her writing, she kept her childhood tradition of finding a secret spot outside and scribbling longhand into notebooks. Now that she had to turn in papers for her courses, she would type up her work on her computer afterward. Her initial inspiration, however, always required that she be sitting outside, long legs stretched in front of her, with her toes peeking out from her gold leather sandals.

  The Tuesday afternoon that she first saw him, she was sitting just like that, under a tree in the grassy area everybody called “the mall.” She had found a remarkably quiet spot, where she had relaxed into the soft grass and had begun to let her mind wander. Her skirt was crumpled underneath her and her fitted blouse was clinging to her breasts as the afternoon temperatures climbed. Pausing in the character sketch she was putting together for her favorite professor, Amanda looked up idly. Her line of sight unexpectedly zeroed in on the most attractive man she’d ever seen.

  He was tall and strong, with the kind of tan on his forearms that comes only with long days of outdoor labor. He was striding powerfully toward her, his work boots closing the distance between them faster than she would have thought possible. “Oh,” she thought, finally understanding what men on the street were thinking when their eyes followed her as she passed, or when they had to take a moment to adjust their gaze to meet her eyes rather than lingering on her bust. She felt her body responding, and she realized her eyes were doing some lingering of their own.

  “Hey,” he said brusquely. He stood over her, his workman’s muscular legs clad in jeans that she wished she could touch. “You need to move. You can’t sit there.”

  Amanda looked up at him, knowing her charm would work as it always did. Her sweet smile would soften him so he would stop and really see her. And then, she knew, he’d keep looking until he wanted her as much as she knew she wanted him. How could he not? She even blushed a little, wondering how long they would need to know each other before she they would kiss. How long until she could feel those strong hands in her hair, his lips on hers? Would she suggest they get a drink
together? Just the two of them, or in a group? Would he link his fingers into hers and pull her into a dark corner at a party so he could run those callused hands along her back and around her ass?

  The landscaper had, it turned out, no time at all for the fantasies of a lonely rich girl. “Seriously, you’re in the way. I need to get this area raked, and I don’t have time to stand around discussing it with you. Get up!” He strode away, not even waiting to see if she would follow his instruction.

  Amanda rose, blinking in the sun, and gathering her books together. She was more crestfallen by his dismissal than she would have admitted. If Hailey had been there, Amanda would have brushed it off, pretending that she hadn’t just been caught practically drooling at the hot body of a man on the campus gardening crew. But deep down, Amanda almost felt like crying. She walked away, stuffing her books into her bag as she made her way home. Hadn’t she always been the girl that everybody wanted?

  For the next two weeks, Amanda told herself every day that she would avoid the sexy landscaper if she saw him. Yet every morning, she looked for him when she passed through the lawns. Every time she heard the sound of the mowers around the gardens near her dorm, she would check from behind her curtains to see if it was “her” guy. When she did spot him, she would grab her notebooks and find a secret spot where she could sit down and write. Instead of writing, though, she spent most of her time glancing at him, hoping he wouldn’t notice that she was there again.

  “Amanda, this is getting ridiculous,” Hailey laughed at her when she finally figured out what was going on. “Yeah, he’s good looking, I agree. But what is this all about? Now you’re stalking the manual labor on campus? I’m sure he can see that you’re creeping on him; he just doesn’t want to get in trouble with management for reporting you.”