Light

by Amna

me what I thought of what the girl did and I replied that maybe it was for the best , and my sister immediately asked me what about her mother? What would the girl do if the mother is kept away for failing to protect her ? I could see that my sister was testing the water for something so I asked her upfront what it was about, she asked me if maybe we can repot our stepdad , she didn’t say why , and I didn’t either and it was at that time that I knew we both knew what he does but without uttering a word to one another about it. The truth is I already thought about it ,reporting him that is, and I knew much like my sister wanted my mother will be kept outside , we would tell the CPS that mother didn’t know and that we want to stay with her , however, I also knew they would run a background check on us and see that my mother and my sister didn’t file a case against my stepdad for the accident , and it wouldn’t take them long to conclude that my sister was coerced to withdraw her case , my mother , though a huge advocate of proper conduct and character had the worst of all , and no social worker would leave us with her , and not to mention by that time I could only imagine my mother taking his side and if failing to do so will make sure our lives are a living hell afterwards for putting her beloved husband behind bars, and we would eventually end up one way or another in a foster home and even though we weren’t allowed to say I could think it ,; who would adopt my deformed sister? Of course thinking it and saying it are two different things so I only told my sister that they would find my mother guilty of at least negligence and if that is ok with her then we can report him today , being fully aware that she wouldn’t be ok with it, and I was right she told me to forget about it and asked me what my assignment was about and I told her The Scarlet Letter and she asked me if I had seen the Demi Moore version of the novel and that she was so pretty in that movie and I told her that it wasn’t an accurate adaptation of the movie and told her to leave me to read as I had just started and it was due the day after. And in addition to that I was also supposed to read another novella for a friend in the promise of giving me her new Mac cosmetics collection make up bag her father brought her from London , at that time mother wouldn’t give me any more for cosmetics and I wouldn’t even dare to ask her , and I would see some girls at school putting making up in the bathroom and I really wanted to wear some make up, nothing heavy really just a few blush and mascara, of course I did not tell my sister that, and I managed to write the essay on both books , lost some sleep in the process but managed nonetheless.

  Around that time I started having dreams about becoming a model , I most certainly had the figure and everyone that would see would compliment my look , I tried to watch a reality show that was running for the third season about 12 models competing for a shot at the front cover of a famous fashion magazine , but my mother wouldn’t let my sister and I watch that at home and she even delivered one of her famous “ you are so selfish you’re nothing” speeches privately to me that day saying that I held no regards for my sister’s feelings watching that show with her, and around that time that she had , I assume , given up explain to me why those models weren’t really beautiful , and she only cared to call my character poor and ugly, so I ended up writing a few more essays to some kids at school and I got enough money to subscribe at the gym where they had a screen at every machine and I would exercise to look as thin as those models while watching the show. An amazing deal if you ask me , I guess you can make the best out of a very bad situation , and if my mother was right about my sister’s feelings then that is even better because no one , not even my sister knew I joined the gym and it was easy to keep a secret since I would only go for an hour and a half after school and come back and I told my mother I joined the drama club , and I guess in a way I did , after all I did write essays for some of the group members. And at times I wondered if my sister knew I lied about the drama club , if maybe one day she passed by and didn’t see me. But I never asked her anything and neither did she.

  The oldest contestant was 26 at the show and I was already turning 17 in about two months , I knew I didn’t have a lot of time and that I must start my career early , see the modeling business , much like my mother , had their own philosophy on beauty and while some models make it even when they are older the average would have their career end at their mid to late twenties , so in addition to looking for online modeling agencies I also realized that I must start getting comfortable exposing my body , so I would start wearing what my mother would call provocative clothes at home and I had no problem with it really , I understand now that my view on modeling were a little off , but in any case that stern looks and name calling parade my mother started at home gave me some enjoyment at home . after all she couldn’t pull the look I was at home and school , and I even started getting noticed more everywhere I’d go , however the situation with my stepdad didn’t really change , he didn’t seem to give more attention to me , it was the same old occasional nights , so I suppose mother was right , the thing between my leg is all men do think about. Or maybe just this man at home. I hoped some scout would spot me , my looks and not what is done there between my legs , I hoped I would turn out to be something , even if it is the exact opposite of what my mother would call beauty , especially if it is the exact opposite I often thought at times , after all my mother was no spokesperson on beauty neither on the inside nor the outside , and neither was my sister no matter how hard I tried to convince myself , or how bad I often thought for thinking so , but she was not beautiful , she was no Demi Moore and even my mother with all her philosophy on life would only kiss her and tell her she loves her which tells you nothing about her beauty , only that her character was lovable . and I’d give to that ., my sister had a nice character, and she was given the shorter end of the rope in life , and having me everyday , a reminder of what she would have looked like doesn’t help , I understand but that doesn’t make me any less pretty or any worse in character , I too was lovable in my own way even if I admit that my sister was a freak.

  It is what it is, I got a sponsor by the time I was almost eighteen, unfortunately almost isn’t quite as there yet so I had to either convince my mother to sign to sign the papers as my legal guardian , and I use the term guardian very loosely, or I would apply again when I’m eighteen which was to be in 7 months with no guarantee that he would still be free , or at least that is what he told me, and of course she didn’t sign. And I too , once again had to make the best out of a very bad situation , I was wanted , I was pretty and I had dreams , so I went to him, and this time when faced with an older man , I had the upper hand, I was no longer waiting for any nightstand to click and for me to relax, I was relaxed , it was what I always wanted to; take control , it was time not to let the other man in the room take over my life , to be a model was a dream of mine , and I have been there , my stepdad left no room for any fear in my heart , I was immune to fear , my innocence was way lost beyond corruption , that man , that was to be my sponsor in 7 months couldn’t take anything that wasn’t already taken, he thought he was in charge he was hugely mistaken, so I kept my mouth shut and gave him the fantasy , and I wasn’t ashamed nor am I now , and what is more is that I even remember how beautiful the view from his balcony was , after we were done, or as he thought, he was done, I went to the balcony and I looked at the streets , he came by with a contract that dates 8 months from then , he smiled and showed it to me, I read it , and he was to be my sponsor , he wouldn’t even be charged anything until I’ve made it , which I was sure I would. He kept his promise to me, and I kept my promise to myself. And neither one of us was bad or ugly for doing so, This wasn’t going to be all for nothing. I was not to be a nobody , he may have wanted what is between my legs , but in time I was to show everything about me to the world and I’d be beautiful according to all philosophies including my mother’s whether she liked to admit it or not no amount of honey and oats masks could change that in comparison she wouldn’t hold a candle to my beauty even if my sister was to stand for eternity next to her and tell her how pretty she
was before she left home , she can kiss her all she wants, with time and it was coming she would only be kissing her and that man in the living room who would rather kiss her daughters instead, she was the nobody , the nothing, It was my time to enter and that was it .

  So here I’m , at 23 years of age, more famous than I can ever imagine , been on the covers of more than 11 magazines, I haven’t spoken to my mother ever since I turned 18 and moved out, last I heard my sister was still there , helping around the house in exchange of staying there while going to college nearby. Most of you would think that I cut ties with her because of guilt , but it is not true , I was not the one behind the wheels, I didn’t convince her to keep the family together and drop the charges , say that my mother was driving and my stepdad was next to her, I was not the one that forbade the entire house to talk about beauty unless it was me its directed at , and I certainly was not the one who refused to report that man for the