Again

by Brandy Jeffus

  I turn my body to him and once again I’m awestruck at how beautiful he is. He was always attractive, but turning into a man has done him well. There’s a tattoo above his heart, something in a different language. I reach up and lightly touched it.

  "What does it say?" His heart thuds rapidly underneath my fingertips.

  "In French, ‘I have found the one whom my soul loves, ‘Song of Solomon 3:4’.” Eli whispers back. He closes his eyes and places his hand over mine. His hand is warm, his grip so soft.

  "There's another here," he points to his inner left arm. "That says, ‘Many waters cannot quench love; rivers cannot wash it away,’ Song of Solomon 8: 7." He meets my gaze, "I got them for you. I'm sorry; I know that seems creepy, especially having your artwork framed in my hallway. I swear I’m not your stalker.”

  "Shh," I command quietly. I take his hands and lead him to his room. I stop in front of his bed and take my shirt off. My breathing is fast and I look up in his eyes with tears in mine... I turn around so he can see the right side of my ribcage. My tattoo is there, another phrase but in English, so he knows what it reads immediately.

  “‘All beautiful you are, my darling; there is no flaw in you. Song of Solomon 4:7’," he reads aloud. His voice is low and makes my stomach flutter. All around us I can practically feel the electricity coming from us.

  "That one is for you," I whisper before I wrap my arms around his neck and kiss him. His full lips are sweet and fit perfectly over mine. He pulls away after a minute, his green eyes lock on mine and I nod. He starts slowly pulling his shorts down.

  "Is this okay, Bonnie? I don't want to rush things." He looks so uncertain standing in his boxer briefs, so unsure of himself.

  My smile is wide, "I haven't done anything so right, in a long, long time."

  I take off the remainder of my clothes and we start kissing again. I feel weak and vulnerable, but underneath all that are the familiar feelings of raw love, hunger, and need. Every time we made love, it convinced me our bodies had been made specifically for each other.

  This time wouldn’t be any different, no matter how many years had passed.

  He picks me up with ease and carries me out of the room. I raise an eyebrow, and he smiles, his eyes warm and intense. His eyes show every emotion he’s feeling right now, they always did give him away. He continues to walk through the house naked and finally stops at another room. This faces towards the lake and the wall was made out of glass. A black dresser is to the side and in the middle is a white sheeted round bed with a white canopy halfway around it. Red pillows decorate the head of the bed. The room is adorned with art that I gifted him in high school. I am taken by surprise to see more of my artwork, long ago forgotten.

  "You built this?" I whisper. He nods and kisses my nose.

  "I've never used it, to be honest. It was just something that I needed to build for some reason. You like it?" he asks. I kiss him on the nose back and nod.

  He carries me to the dresser where he turns the CD player on. Ed Sheeran’s “Kiss Me” comes on and Eli looks apologetic.

  “I swear I’m not trying to be cheesy. This song always reminded me of you.”

  "It's beautiful, just like you," is my answer. He lowers me down slowly on the bed and lies down beside me. I feel self-conscience laying there in the nude, so I reach for the covers, but Eli stops me.

  "No, please. Please, just let me look. You're so beautiful, Bonnie. You've gotten more beautiful with time," he murmurs. He gently caresses my tattoo with his fingertips.

  "Song of Solomon verses always reminded me of us. ‘All beautiful you are, my darling; there is no flaw in you’."

  He leans down and kisses the tattoo and moves up. His lips are on my neck, touching it so softly and move behind my ear. Each kiss makes my insides quiver. The room is spinning. His touch is a thousand flames; exhilarating every inch of me. My body quivers in anticipation because it recognizes his touch, his kiss.

  He raises his head and looks in my eyes. His hand rests on my stomach right below my belly button, "Is this the spot still?" he asks softly, his fingers tracing a certain pattern only he knew that made my legs turn to jelly.

  I nod, unable to talk. I touch his face and wrap my fingers through his silky hair, "Please, Eli. Please."

  "Okay, love. Okay," his voice is thick with emotion as he lowers himself down to kiss me. When he slips inside me I feel my heart beat right out of my chest. He has his head buried in my shoulder but I lift it up. His smile brings his dimples coming out. We lock eyes and make love.

  Time stands still and everything becomes quiet. A line of sweat beads his brow and his cheeks are flush. One hand comes to my face and cups it lightly. We take our time, exploring each other. He feels amazing; he makes me feel amazing.

  "I love you. I've never stopped," he admits quietly. I can feel the buildup and I know the explosion is approaching. His declaration has turned me on even more. To have this man, this gorgeous man, love me after all this time is beyond me.

  "Tell me again. Please," I beg. I grip his arms, feeling his muscles. He leans down and kisses me hungry and rough. His pace quickens, pushing me farther to the finish.

  "I love you. I love you. You are my sun, and my moon and my stars," he tells me as I start moaning softly. I grab his hand tighter and he keeps talking, "And I was dead without you. I love you so... Damn….Much."

  Suddenly, we explode together. We yell out as we peak together. The world becomes an inky black and all I can see are a million stars. Every inch of my body tingles.

  Eli collapses on top me, his body drenched in sweat. We’re panting, willing our bodies to calm down and our hearts to slow. He spoons up against me, his arm slung over my body. I take a finger and gently run it up and down. Things are silent for a while.

  Finally, he breaks the silence; his voice a shaky whisper, “I was always so jealous when I saw you with him. Or when I turned on the TV and saw some video clip of you and him at his concerts. You were by his side and looked so pretty, so gorgeous… just like always. The first time I saw you two together, I threw up. I was sick for the rest of the week. It didn’t feel right, you being gone, with another guy."

  Scooting closer to me, he draws his arms tighter around my body, "Anytime someone mentioned you, my heart broke a little more. I would pass magazines in the grocery store from time to time, and they had y'all on the cover and I would almost cry right there. Seeing you with some other guy, smiling, holding on to him...it drove me crazy. I realized how stupid I was for letting you go and by that time you were already gone. I was too late."

  He sighs and continues, "I know that we should go slowly. We have to. But I just want to erase the last six years and start where we left off. Making wedding plans, talking about babies. You were going to move in with me that summer, remember?" he looks up and I nod, not able to find my voice. All this information is coming at me too fast. His eyes reflect the pain and hurt of the past. The pain and hurt that I thought only belonged to me.

  "I've waited so long for you. So long to have you again and I don't want to mess it up, Bonnie. I don't ever want to mess things up again." He starts crying softly and I feel my own tears spill onto my cheek. I cling to him, this grown man, whose tears are making their way to my bare chest. My heart aches for him, for both of us.

  "We’ll take it one day at a time, Eli. I want to be with you. I've just been so stubborn before, trying to push you away even though I knew you and I were destined for each other. One day at a time." I kiss him, deep and passionately and all I want to do is stay here, naked with my beautiful soul mate. Reality sets in though, like it always does at the most inopportune times. We have stuff to do.

  "Let's go take a shower. We still have to go shopping," I suggest smiling, breaking away from the kiss. He stands up and lifts me off the bed. He carries me through the house back to his room. We shower together, kissing for long periods of time under the water. His body is incredible, naked and wet in front of me. His arms are massive an
d strong. He holds me so tight, like he’s afraid I’m going to float away.

  While he’s washing my back, I say, "I have found the one whom my soul loves. Did you really get that for me?" Eli turns me around, his eyebrows in a crease, suddenly serious. He cups my cheek lightly.

  "Yes, I did. I got it the year you left to New York. It's for you, nobody else." I stand on my tiptoes and kiss him again. This makes my heart happy, my soul ecstatic.

  After getting dressed, I check my phone and see a text from my mom: Take your time. Mr. D is over and we’re watching a movie. But please don’t forget the groceries. Xoxo mama

  "Hey, do you know who Mr. D is? Some friend of Mama’s?" I ask as we leave the house.

  "Mr. Dean, the former football coach. We usually just called him Coach. He and your mother have been dating for a while. Is he over there right now?"

  I nod, perplexed. Why didn’t I know that Mama is dating Coach? Being on the road kept me preoccupied with Mick's touring schedule and I feel a stabbing pang of guilt for not being an attentive daughter like I should have been. Everything took a backseat to Mick and the gravity of just how wrong I’ve been comes at me full assault.

  We climb into the old Chevy and take off towards town.

  "So what are you cooking tonight Chef? And when exactly did you start cooking?" I smile and reach for his hand.

  Eli scoffs with mock hurt, "I've been cooking for ages now. Mostly Ramon noodles and Hamburger Helper, but I can whip some things up from scratch as well. What would you like?"

  "Shrimp, maybe? I haven't had that in ages. Not sure if Coach likes it, but I know Mama does."

  We reach the local grocery store, still run by Mr. and Mrs. Darcy, who are older than dirt, but act like teenagers. Mrs. Darcy comes up to us as we enter the store.

  "As I live and breathe, Bonnie Marie!" She hugs me tight. "And Elijah John, how have you been my dear?" She hugs Eli next.

  "Hi, Mrs. Darcy," we greet in unison. She starts talking about how she’s been praying for her and I zone out a little.

  My focus turns to Eli's face as he listens to Mrs. Darcy. Maybe I was too quick to sleep with him, maybe not. Maybe there are no rules when it comes to reuniting with someone who holds your heart. All I know is right now everything feels so right. Finally.

  After the first time I slept with Mick, I held back my tears until after he was asleep. He had been the first one after Eli that I had been with and it felt so wrong.

  Eli was right about the man’s face in the band’s cover. As always, when I paint I don't really think about what I'm doing. I zone out and just paint or draw. When I finished that cover I gasped when I saw Eli's face looking back at me.

  The heart makes its needs known, sometimes subtly.

  Mrs. Darcy left so we could shop and we went down every isle. We had done a lot of grocery shopping in high school. After the divorce, Mama took on double shifts at the hospital to make up for the lack of income. I became responsible for some household duties, including grocery shopping. Back then it always felt like we were playing grownups, shopping together like I'd seen so many older couples do. Today was no different.

  He seemed more relax now, more laid back. He jokes easily with me, making my stomach cramp from laughing so hard.

  We load our groceries in his truck and head to Mama’s. Coach’s red Jeep is in the driveway. It’s the same one he had in high school.

  I grab some bags and follow Eli up the walk. I recognize Mr. Dean as soon as I see him. He’s older now, but still holds an air of authority about him. He stands up from his spot on the couch and reaches for my bags.

  "Bonnie, how nice to see you again," he looks over to Eli and nods, "Hey Eli, how's work been?"

  “Been good, Coach. I need to meet my ticket quota though here soon.” Both of them laugh and head to the kitchen.

  "You make him watch these corny shows?" I roll my eyes at the cheesy Lifetime movie on TV. I lean down and kiss the top of her head, "I’ve missed so much, huh?"

  Mama looks up and smiles, "That's how life is sweetie. You get grown then you have your own worries and events to keep you company. I never mentioned him because it was never that serious. But I think the accident changed both our point of views."

  "I can see how that can happen. It's put a lot of things in perspective for me that’s for sure. Um, Eli is staying for dinner. He’s gonna make shrimp."

  Mama nods in agreement and I walk into the kitchen and find Eli already cooking. Coach is sitting at the bar with a beer in hand and Eli's open bottle is next to the stove. Apparently, I’ve just interrupted their talk about football.

  My heart starts pounding when Eli smiles at me. The sparks I felt had never died down. And now that we’re back together, they’ve returned. I feel like a giddy teenager as I walk up to him and nestle beside him. His arm rests comfortably behind my back.

  In this instant, I know, we are made for each other.

  "So Bonnie, your mom mentioned you'll staying with her for a while," Mr. Dean says.

  "Yes, sir. Until she's ready for me to leave," I answer politely. "It's nice to be home. I sure have missed it." Coach nods and smiles and takes a long pull from his bottle.

  "If you aren't doing anything this Sunday you and Elijah should come to my church. I've been taking your mom for a while now and she really likes it. It's down on the corner of Main and O'Dell," Coach mentions. I nod, church sounds nice.

  Tatum and I had been raised with church as the center point of our lives for as long as I could remember. Eli went to the same church and that's another reason why we became such close friends.

  I haven't been to church in about five or six years. The thought unnerves me and immediate guilt engulfs my heart. It's not that I had adopted Mick's agnostic views; I still believed in God and Jesus and considered myself a Christian the whole time I was with him. However, the needing and longing for service and reading my Bible had evaded me.

  "Coach, you must be getting old, because I've been going to that church longer than you have!" Eli exclaims. They share a laugh and start talking about football again. I give Eli a quick peck on the cheek and walk into the living room.

  "Mama, can I talk to you in my room?" My voice is barely a whisper. She looks up confused and stands to follow me. She sits down on my bed and I close the door quietly behind me.

  “I slept with him."

  "I know," Mama smirked.

  "Wait, huh? How did you know?"

  "Because I'm your mother, and I can tell. I think it's wonderful. You should ask him to stay the night. Mr. Dean and I were planning on watching movies all night. Your mother has turned into quite the night owl in my age," she winks and stands.

  "Wait, wait, you don't think it's wrong? Or it’s too soon after Mick? You think its okay?"

  "Of course, Bonnie. If it feels right in your heart, then of course it's okay. You're a grown woman now, you don't need my approval."

  She walks out of the room, leaving me confused and full of more questions. I sit for a few minutes before I hear a gentle knock at the door as Eli pokes his head in.

  "Hey you," he greets softly. He comes to me and hugs me tight. "I guess you told your mom, huh?" I look up to his face and I give a slight nod. He always knew me better than anyone.

  "Are you regretting it?" His question snaps me back to reality.

  "No! No way, I'm not. I promise,” I reply, "I just wanted to get my mom's thoughts. It's all good, Eli I promise." I tiptoe and kiss him.

  "She actually told me to invite you to spend the night. She mentioned that her and Coach would probably stay up late and watch movies." A giggle escapes and I look up at him, “So, if you want to...the offer's there."

  "I am off tomorrow as it turns out…” Eli smiles and runs a hand through his curls.

  Hours later, Eli and I are cuddled together on the couch. I keep dozing off, exhausted from the long taxing day. Eli's strong arms are wrapped around me and things are so comfortable, as if the last six years haven't happen
ed. Would we pick up where we left off? Should we? My heart flutters every time I think of being Eli's again. The thought of having him by my side through everything makes me hopeful, happy.

  All of a sudden, I’m being lifted. I open my eyes and realize Eli’s carrying me. I shift and snuggle up against his chest. The house is silent.

  "Shh, its okay hon. Go back to sleep, I'm just taking you to bed." His whisper is low, barely audible and it makes me feel safe and secure. He lays down me down and climbs in beside me.

  “Good night, handsome.” I murmur.

  “Good night, darlin’. Thank you for giving me the best day ever.” His lips are in my hair, on the nape of my neck. His breath tickles my skin as he sighs softly. I’m slipping further into sleep when I hear him say one last thing that makes my whole body sing.

  “I love you, Bonnie.”

  ***“

  “I have so many crazy high school stories. Some that would just make you sick to your stomach,” Mick bragged. Bonnie cringed on the inside thinking, Why would someone be proud of that? What kind of accomplishment is that? She raised her eyebrows at him and he smiled.

  “I don’t. Not really. I was good in high school.”

  “Oh come on now, there’s not a little slut in you dying to get out?” Mick grin is cocky. He thought he was so funny and clever. What the hell am I doing here with him in the first place, Bonnie thought, her anger growing.

  “No, not really. I was with one guy throughout high school” For some reason she didn't tell him his name. It wasn't something she wanted him to have.

  “Wow, the whole time? All four years? That’s amazing. It’s unheard of. Nobody sane does that!” Mick wrinkled his nose in disgust. Bonnie's heart did a double beat and she felt her face flush.

  “Yea well, we were in love you know,” Bonnie's answer was clipped. She hoped he noticed but it didn’t seem like he did, "He was my best friend and we both didn’t see any greener pastures on the other side,” Bonnie shrugged. “It was good. So please don’t make it to be like I missed out because I didn’t.”