Again

by Brandy Jeffus

  Her sudden boldness surprised her. Usually she had only been meek and mild with mick, letting him take the reins and letting him think she agreed with all his opinions. Mick looked a little shocked as well.

  He threw up his hands in mock surrender. He laughed then grinned wide, “No worries. To each their own, right? Obviously it wasn’t that good if you aren’t together now thought you know.” He takes out his cell phone and started typing out a text while Bonnie just stared at him.

  Bonnie’s heart sank at his blunt observation. How dare he?! What a pompous ass! He’s right though, it wasn’t all good apparently. If it had been good, then I would be somewhere with Eli right now, not Mick.

  “Oh well, things in the past should stay there,” he said. He took her hand and squeezed it. She looked into his sky blue eyes and smiled. He had good points, of course. He had a funny personality, great talent, a carefree attitude. And he was adorable. With jet black hair and sky blue almond shaped eyes, almost exotic in a way.

  “So anyway I wanted to tell you something important on this little coffee date.” Mick suddenly changed the subject.

  “Okay, loop me in,” Bonnie checked her watch; they had only been sitting here for 10 minutes. Their little dates were always short.

  “Well, we finally got signed and we will be heading out on the road to the studio here within the next couple weeks!” Mick grinned wide, showing his excitement.

  “Oh wow, that’s awesome Mick! Congratulations!” Bonnie stood up and hugged his neck. Even though he was drinking a coffee, he still smelled like liquor. She wrinkled her nose in disgust.

  “Well, thanks love, but that’s not it. I wanted to see…” Mick trailed off, reached up and scratched the back of his neck nervously. Bonnie thought it was nice to see him unsure of his self, uneasy about something for once.

  “What? Do you need help packing or something?”

  “Oh no, nothing like that,” Mick quietly chuckled. “But you’re sweet to offer.” Mick grabbed her hand and rubbed her knuckles. “I wanted to know if you wanted to come with us. After we record, we’ll release a debut and then start our tour. I want you to come with me please.”

  Bonnie raised her eyebrow, and her heart jumped into her throat. Thoughts flew throughout her mind at a rapid pace: What about my mom? What about Tatum? I’m supposed to start school soon and intern. And finally her last thought which surprised her, what about Eli?

  Oh Eli, the only thing besides her mother and sister, that had been a constant in her life. He was the only guy in her life who had always been there for her, no matter what. But now he was gone. Betrayed her for one drunken night and broke her heart.

  He had tried to get in touch with her. But she avoided him like the plague. Him and all the memories associated with him only brought her misery. This town had turned into her prison, her memories were her captors.

  Bonnie took a deep breath, took a sip of her drink and smiled brightly. It was time for a change. "I think that would be awesome Mick! Yes I’ll come with you.”

  His thin face broke out in a grin and his gorgeous eyes lit up. Mick leaned over and hugged her tight. She returned his kisses passionately. It was time to really give Mick a shot, be able to give him her heart unabashedly.

  All the while though, Eli’s beautiful face filled her brain. Those dimples, the curls and the velvet touch of his caress. She felt as if she had just handed out the harshest punishment she could for him.

  Her stomach soured as one more thought crossed her mind: What the hell did I just do?

  Chapter Six

  “Are you sure you want to hear this?” Eli sits on the bed with a pained expression on his face. Deep set wrinkles adorn his forehead as his eyebrows pinch together. He had just gotten off work and surprised me with flowers at Mama’s house. A nagging thought has been plaguing me: things would never be okay unless Eli and I got rid of the giant elephant in the room. We had to talk about what happened.

  “Yes, I’m sure. I need to hear this. If we’re going to move on, then this has to happen. I know it sounds stupid, but just please believe me.”

  “It just makes me sick to even think about it Bon, it was a long time ago.”

  “I know it makes me sick too. But if you don’t tell me this will always be a hurdle, an unspoken barrier between us. I can’t deal with that. We don’t need any barriers.”

  Eli stares at me for a long time; his face, a blank canvas. As if he has to completely turn himself off in order to re tell the story. My heart is threatening to lodge in my throat but I breathe deep and force it to steady.

  “After we graduated, I was scared. Everything I had ever known was gone and we were expected to make all these new changes in such a short amount of time. Eddie invited me to that party and I just wanted to have a good time.”

  Eli continues his story, hesitating at certain points, his voice breaking every now and then. My heart silently breaks and my chest feels frozen, but my face remains stoic, unflinching at his story.

  When he finishes, I whisper, “So why did you have to break up with me?”

  “Because I thought I had to. I knew what I did was wrong. For me to do that, I just figured something must have been messed up with me and my loyalty to us.” He pauses and lowers his head. “But I know now that you would have forgiven me. That I didn’t have to break up with you. We could have worked through it. Couldn’t we?” He looks up and I nod in agreement. It was true, I would have forgiven him. We would have pushed through.

  “Did you ever see her again? You know, after we were through?”

  His smile is sad as he answers, “Yeah, yeah I did actually. The first year on the force, I busted her for prostitution. She’d turn into a crack whore basically. Her teeth were all rotted out, her body wasted away to nothing. She didn’t recognize me, she was barely coherent. And when I saw her and arrested her, my heart just went out to you. That I did that to you with her and look at what kind of person she ended up being.”

  He drops his head and runs his fingers through his hair. A huge weight has been lifted off. I move toward the bed and move his arm so I can sit on his lap. He doesn’t look at me as he leans his head against my chest.

  “Everything happens for a reason right? It was a long time ago and it’s over now. Now we can move on. Thank you for telling me. I know that sucked for you.”

  “I love you, so much," he whispers.

  “I know. I love you, too.”

  “I was such an idiot. I don't know how many times I wished I could go back and just beat the shit out of my younger self,” He shakes his head, his eyes looking sad.

  “Ha! It wouldn't have done much good. You were kind of arrogant back then. You thought you knew everything.”

  “Hey! I wasn't that bad was I?”

  “No, you weren’t. You were the best. And you still are.”

  “No I’m not. You were always the better half.”

  We kiss then. Talking about the past has worn me out. My insides feel weird and my nerves are on edge. I just want to enjoy Eli now, and think about the good memories we have, not the bad ones. But one more secret had to be shared in order to really move on. A secret of my own.

  “Eli, I have to tell you something, too.”

  “Uh-oh. That’s kind of scary sounding,” A slight frown forms on his strong face.

  I shake my head, “Not scary, just sad.”

  I scoot off his lap and settle beside him. It has been years since I’ve thought about this. It has been buried deep within my heart, right alongside Eli; memories I tried to get rid of, hide my heart from.

  I take a deep breath, wipe away the silent tears that have already started flowing and begin with a shaky voice, “A month after you broke up with me, I found out I was pregnant.”

  I pause for a minute and let it sink in. Confusion replaces the worry on his face.

  “I was going to tell you. I was so scared because I had no idea what I was going to do. I mean, I still loved you and wanted you, but I knew
you didn’t feel the same. I told Mama and she said to wait until I was past the first trimester.

  “I made it to month four. I was starting to get excited about the whole thing. I was even excited to tell you, because I knew that no matter what, you would be there for me. On the day I was going to tell you, I started cramping really bad. Then, I started bleeding and Mama took me to the doctor. I miscarried.”

  Eli’s eyes are glistening with tears. He grabs my face with both his hands and stares in my eyes. My chest is so tight with the memory. His thumbs wipe away the tears and stroke my cheeks.

  “I figured that it wouldn’t do much good telling you after the fact. So I never did.”

  He shakes his head and pulls me in for a kiss. When we part, he whispers, “I’m so sorry you had to go through that alone, baby doll. You shouldn’t have. I’m sorry.”

  We sit there and cry. We weep for each other, for our unborn baby that never had a chance, for drunken mistakes and lost relationships.

  And then, we make love, because in the end the past is the past. It cannot be changed, only learned from. Finally, we found our way back to one another and our future is unwritten.

  ***

  Since she didn’t have a permanent mailing address, the only way her sister could send her a letter was through email. And even then, Bonnie had to be in a place that had free Wi-Fi in order to check it. She was really roughing it sometimes, she thought. All in the name of love and rock and roll.

  That afternoon, she had a few hours to kill alone while Mick and the guys were performing sound checks and practicing. It was beginning to be the same old stuff day after day.

  Bonnie was lonely. The road was not all the fun Mick had promised. She sighed as she opened her laptop and pulled up her email. There were 3 emails in a row from Tatum. Two of them had picture attachments. The last one simply stated: “CALL ME ASAP!”

  She picked up her phone, grateful it had been turned on the previous day. There were many times she went without conveniences in order for Mick and the band to have what they needed.

  She dialed her sister’s number and waited through two rings.

  “Hello Bonnie?” Tatum asked breathlessly.

  “Uh huh, what you up to? What’s wrong?”

  “Nothing, I just finished a run. Anyway, I wanted to tell you that we found out Eli is going overseas. His parents told Mom.” That was Tatum, short and to the point, always.

  The news hit Bonnie hard and her heart skipped a beat. The country wasn’t in the middle of a war, but things had been stressed in certain parts overseas. The little news that she did hear had been centered on the controversy in a war ridden country and the USA were on the way to help.

  “Bonnie, you still there? I just wanted to let you know. Just pray for him okay? That’s all Mama says we can do.”

  A mental image of Eli in a Marine uniform involved in a combat battle plagued Bonnie’s thoughts. No matter what, Eli had a special part in her heart. Her hurt feelings and sadness over what had happened, everything that happened even the miscarriage, had dissipated over time. When she thought of Eli, it was out of longing for their happy past.

  “Yeah, I’m here. Sorry I zoned out. I’ll pray for him too. Thank you for telling me.”

  “No problem. So how are things? What city are you guys in?” Tatum asked, somehow knowing that her sister would need a new topic to talk about.

  They spoke for another half hour and Bonnie finally had to let her go to head back to the bus. Fear had settled in her heart and mind for Eli. She would just have to hope and pray for the best and ask God to send him back alive, even if he wasn’t coming back for her.

  Chapter Seven

  "Mick, what are you doing here?" I can smell the alcohol from the doorway, as he stands on my porch wearing tight black jeans and a ragged white shirt.

  Seeing him shocks my whole being. It has already been a couple months since Mama's accident. I had started moving on, with Eli. Every day was better than the last and I was finally settled into a comfortable routine.

  "You know why. I'm here to bring you back home. I know your mom's fine now. You can leave this place and quit playing babysitter," he reaches for my hand but I pull away.

  "Mick, this is my home. You know that. This was just a wasted trip for you." I wrap my arms around my stomach.

  "I just don't get you, Bonnie. I gave you everything, and all you're doing is treating me like shit!" Mick's face changes into a mask of disgust; his eyes reflect all the venom in his heart for me.

  Nobody ever tells Mick Jones no.

  He takes a step toward me and I step back. I’ve seen him like this only a handful of times and the outcome has never been that great.

  "Is there a problem here, Bonnie?" Eli’s voice is a welcomed relief. He’s come from the side of the house.

  Mick turns and stares with hatred in his eyes. I lock eyes with Eli and he gives me a slight nod. I let out the breath I had been holding.

  "And who do we have here?" Mick slurs.

  "Hi, I'm Officer Stone, and a personal friend of Bonnie's. What's going on here? Have you been drinking sir?" Eli is calm and professional and I feel my heart swell with pride. Officer Stone is pretty hot sight to behold.

  Mick's eyes go slit like a cat's, "Oh? Is that right? A close personal friend, huh?"

  The man loves his Jack Daniels. I knew deep down, back when we were together, that Mick was an alcoholic, but I always looked the other way. Seeing it from a fresh perspective I could tell how much trouble he was in. Could I have stopped him from going down this path?

  Once upon a time, I had loved Mick. He had been fun, lively and carefree. Always ready to have a good time. He saved me for a long time from myself. I don’t want a fight to start between him and Eli. This needs to be fixed it, I need to intervene and just make this problem go away.

  "Mick, you've been drinking. Let me call your assistant ok? You just need to sleep it off." I grab Mick's arm gently and Eli raises an eyebrow.

  "Oh shut up, Bonnie! Don't touch me!" he yanks his arm away causing me to stumble. I see Eli take a step toward us and I hold up my hand.

  "Mick, please. Just let me call Amber ok? She can come pick you up. I can tell you're really drunk and you just need some sleep."

  Tears threaten to fall, as I realize how many times I had said the exact same words to him in the past. This is my entire fault. I was one of those enabler people you hear about on addiction shows. It’s just as much my fault as Mick's for his alcohol problem.

  "I see you've already moved on huh, Bonnie?" Mick sneers as he brushes his hand across his forehead. "I didn't know you were such an easy lay, especially since it took me almost a damn year with you! But I bet you don't mind sloppy seconds now do you officer?" Mick laughs mockingly and glances at Eli.

  Tears fall at the character assault. My face flushes hot and I feel sweaty all over. This can’t be happening. This is too unreal.

  "Alright buddy, it's time to go. You need to sleep this off alright?" Eli struggles with remaining calm. I can see his forehead wrinkle, as if he is glaring at Mick behind his sunglasses. Eli's crossed arms are tensed, the muscles standing out. There’s no way of knowing how long Eli can keep it professional. I don’t know if he can dislodge himself from the personal feelings in this situation.

  Eli makes a move to grab him but backs up quickly as Mick swings. Everything is a blur as Eli wrestles Mick to the ground with his arms behind his back. Both of them are cussing.

  "NO!" I cry out. I step forward as Mick starts grimacing in pain, "Stop Eli, you're hurting him."

  Eli ignores me as he starts reading him his Miranda Rights. He handcuffs and stands him up and Mick groans in pain.

  "Stop, Eli! You can't!" I grab Eli's upper arm.

  "Not now, Bonnie," he growls. Beads of sweat cover his forehead and his vein on the side of his neck bulges out. He pushes Mick to the side of the house toward the patrol car.

  "You should listen to the bitch," Mick spits out.
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  Eli pushes him hard and he stumbles. Eli yanks him up and shoves him in the back of the car. He slams the door with frightening force.

  “You can't arrest him, Eli! Just let me call his assistant. Please!" I’m hysterical. Neighbors have come out to gawk.

  “Back up, Bonnie!" he yells stabbing the air with his finger. I stop suddenly. Eli has never screamed at me like this before.

  "He’s going to sleep it off, Bonnie," he says, this time in a lowered tone, "He is publicly intoxicated and last time I checked, that’s still against the law. So quit trying to do my job!" Sweat is coming down his red face. He lowers his arm and turns around.

  "He doesn't need to go to jail though," my voice is whiny, desperate. I know its bothering Eli that I’m taking up for him, but I can't help myself, "Please Eli. He needs help, like rehab help."

  "Jail will be help for right now, Bonnie," he turns and faces me, "Why do you care so much huh? Why is he so important to you?" I know what he wants to ask: Are you still in love with him?

  “I just want him to get help, Eli. It's partly my fault why he's gotten so bad. I enabled him too long with his drinking. I don’t want him to get in legal trouble. He doesn’t need that with his career. He just needs help and I want to help him.”

  Eli scoffs, "Well, that's noble and all, but maybe you've forgotten you have a new life here. You never," he spits the word out like it was venom, "gave me the time of day when we broke up. Never. Yet with this pig, it's different?"

  A fresh wave of tears fall. My breath hitches in my chest. Things are unraveling way too fast. It needs to stop, go back to how it was. I shake my head, "Eli, things were different back then. I love you so much; I don't need Mick like I need you. But I have to do what feels right. I just want to help him out as a fellow human being, ex-boyfriend or not. Please Eli."

  Eli shakes his head and gives a strained laugh, "Whatever, Bonnie. You do what you want. I don't need this drama. Your boyfriend will be in city lock up until he's sober."

  With that, he climbs into his car and slams the door. I sink to my knees as he drives off. My heart feels like a hundred pounds and it physically hurts, wrenching into itself. What was going to happen next?