Believed (My Misery Muse)

by Betzold, Brei

  I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. “How not well?”

  “Maybe a month,” he said quietly.

  “I have like two and a half weeks left.”

  “I know, I just thought you should have a heads up, just in case.”

  “Thanks.”

  “You should tell the guys.”

  I punched the door in my bathroom. “I didn’t want this hanging over everyone while we’re on tour.”

  “He’s running out of time, Sam.”

  “I know.” I said quietly. “I’ll tell them tomorrow. Tonight we have a show and an after-party.”

  “Thought you hated after-parties?”

  “I do, but since we’re here for three days, I couldn’t get out of it.”

  He snorted. “You have to be the only rock star around who schedules things so you have to miss after-parties for your own band.”

  “It was a joint decision.”

  “Uh huh.”

  I could hear his doubt but it honestly was. After we lost a core member of our band to that lifestyle, we made the decision to stay away from it as much as possible. The idea of it was far too appealing at times. Problem is you can’t dabble. Once you do it more than not, you’re sucked in, and we didn’t want that to happen to one of our own again.

  “Want to tell me why the womenfolk have given you a death sentence?”

  “Uh,” I said scratching the back of my neck, “not really.”

  “Might want to deal with me, Drake and Cris aren’t getting any because of you and they are not happy about it. I don’t even want to think about what the girls would do to you if they could get their hands on you.”

  “I didn’t do anything, per se.”

  “Okay what did you not do?”

  “I may have kissed, Jules.”

  “I already know that, she told me.”

  “Yeah, I know I already got the speech.”

  “Okay, so?”

  “She may have gotten it into her head that nothing else was going to happen and possibly cried.”

  I heard his sharp inhale. “How would she have gotten that into her head, Sam?”

  Oh, he was pissed. “You know that song “Vulnerable?”

  “Yeah, it’s one of her favorites.”

  “She was listening to it, and I don’t know something passed between us. Then she started crying and I don’t know how to explain this.”

  He sighed. “Try?”

  “So we were staring at each other, and those words were, especially the chorus, it was…”

  “What’s going on between you two?”

  “Pretty much.”

  “You had a silent conversation,” he said quietly, “like Seth and Devi do.”

  “Yeah, kinda.”

  “And?”

  “And I could see it all you know? I could see my future and I wanted it. Hell, I still want it. Only I don’t want it at the cost of her.”

  “Sam, you’re making no sense.”

  “Max, I can’t make you understand. I just don’t want to hurt her.”

  “You’re afraid you will.”

  “Yeah,” I said softly.

  “I don’t know what to tell you. I can tell you how you would never intentionally hurt her, or how she’s been half in love with you for years. Only I don’t think that would help.”

  “How are things going with that girl you were seeing?”

  “Emory?” I could hear the smile in his voice when he says her name. “She’s amazing. We’ve hung out every day this week. She even came up to the shop to see me. By the way, I caught the change in conversation.”

  “You sound happy.”

  “You sound miserable.”

  “She’s already been hurt.”

  “More than you probably know,” he said agreeing.

  “Keep me posted on Dad.”

  “Will do.”

  “Bye, little brother.”

  “Talk soon, big brother.”

  I headed back into my room with a towel secured around my hips and laid down on the bed. I really hadn’t wanted to tell everyone about my dad yet. Maybe that was the wrong decision, but it was the one I made back in December. How do you tell people who looked up at your father as their own father or the closest thing they had to a father that he was going to die. I guess I needed to figure that out quickly, because tomorrow was the day I’d been dreading, in more than one way.

  Chapter 29

  Jules

  I stood in front of the full-length mirror in the swanky hotel room and I wanted to hide. She hated me—that was the only conclusion I could come up with. Devi detested me why else would she ten minutes before it was time to leave have this this thing delivered to my room? Wasn’t it bad enough she had her husband manhandle me into a spa where I was tortured for hours. No apparently not, I thought when I turned so I could see the back of this thing she called a dress. My torture and humiliation was not over for the day.

  My phone rang in the other room and I attempted to walk in the shoes that had been provided without falling and giving myself a concussion in the process. What was she thinking having me wear four inch heels, granted they were chunky heels, but they were still heels. Had she forgotten about my lack of coordination? Was she hoping that someone would video me falling on my face so she could watch?

  “What?” I snapped.

  “I told you on the note I wanted a picture.”

  “Devi,” I whined.

  “Shut it, Juliet.”

  “I thought you loved me.”

  “I do.”

  “Then why?”

  “It’s for your own good, now send me that fucking picture,” then she was gone.

  I glared down at my phone, turned on the camera app and took a picture of me flipping her off and sent it.

  Me: There’s your fucking picture

  Then I turned off the phone and pulled my skirt up so my garter belt was showing, I slipped my phone, some cash, and my ID into the pocket I had sewn in the back for such items. I hated carrying a purse, it never failed that I would sit it down someplace, walk off, and forget where I put it hours later. Having items down my bra was uncomfortable, so instead I figured out that garter’s were the perfect place to put things. Eh, it worked for me at least.

  I went back into the bathroom and stared once again at my reflection. The black dress was skin-fucking-tight and I felt like my boobs were going to pop out at any moment. Well what boobs I had, which were drastically improved with the built-in bra of the dress. The skirt, if it could be called that, barely covered my snatch, showing off the garters along with the tattoo on my left thigh. The material stopped on my sides over my ribs that started on the swell of my breast down to the top of my hip. It left my back exposed except a piece of fabric that stretched across the lower part of my shoulder blades. My shoulders were bare then sleeves started on my upper arms until my elbows where the material opened and hung, which was already getting annoying. The back of the dress didn’t start until my ass and the back of the skirt was so long that without the shoes it dragged on the floor. Over all the dress would have been spectacular on anyone else. Except this was me, and I preferred jeans and T-shirts, the occasional skirt, but no Devi dressed me up like Ho Barbie.

  I spun around to check out the back and sighed my back piece was there for the world to see. It’s not that I was ashamed of it, quite the opposite to be exact. It was just extremely personal. It started behind with stars behind my right ear that curved and followed my neck to my shoulder blade, then it spun into the cosmos in brilliant purple, blues, and greens that stood out in the black and grey background. Then lightened as it traveled downwards until you reached the middle of my back where ravens swooped up to fade into the cosmos. If you followed the trail of ravens, you’d find a fallen angel sitting on the ground done in black and white. She was hunched over herself, arms crossed over her knees and face hidden behind her arms. Her wings drooping, all in all she was forlorn, lost and breaking. The feathers of h
er wings were falling away and turning into the ravens that were escaping her broken soul. She sat there scarred and defeated amongst a riot of nature, trees, grass, life exuding from everyplace. Only my grey angel was lost and alone.

  This piece had been my graduation present from Cris, Max, and Devi. It had taken the three of them working together months to finish it, and I loved it. It was my life story inked so deeply into my skin. Always the one left behind, the one who had things being taken from her without her permission. I tore my eyes away from the mirror; I couldn’t fall into that void again. It had been hard enough the first time to come out and realize that I wasn’t just a spectator in everyone else’s lives. That I deserved someone to love me for me as well.

  I checked my hair once more making sure that everything was how the stylist had left it, as well as the make-up they had done all while I bitched. I stared into the face of a stranger; I didn’t like this girl. Her haunted eyes reminded me too much of the sixteen-year-old version.

  I turned and left the bathroom, adjusted my fishnet stockings once more and headed out the door in search of the security guy who was supposed to bring me to the club that the after-party was being held. I couldn’t stay trapped in this room any longer or I would drive myself crazy.

  Sam

  I stood at the bar watching the crowd surge on the dance floor. I had no inclination of joining the mass of gyrating bodies attempting to dance to what they called music. I took a drink of my beer and continued to people watch while keeping an eye on my watch. Only one more hour then I could leave this place and take something for the headache that was pounding behind my eyes.

  The last time I was in a club was when Ash and Jules dragged me along. Ash ended up taking off with Cris and we didn’t see them again until the next day. I’d had fun hanging out with Jules, drinking and making fun of people attempting to dance and watching guys pick up women. She had leaned over while watching one particular disastrous pick up making up her own dialogue based on their facial expressions and hand movements. I’m sure what she came up with had been far better than the actual conversation that ended with the guy being slapped.

  I turned to talk to Seth to find the back of a woman, a very tattooed back of a woman. My eyes drifted from the top of her head where her hair was pinned up in some haphazard way that was supposed to look like she had just tossed it up, but you knew took hours to get that way. Then to where a cluster of stars behind her ear trailed down her neck to an amazing full back tattoo. Part of the tattoo was blocked by a strip of her dress on her back. My gaze drifted down to a lonely black and grey angel that was huddled in the middle of a beautiful garden scene. I couldn’t stop staring at that angel, the feathers of her wings were falling towards the ground only to shift into birds and fly to the top of the piece.

  I wanted to reach down and touch one of those birds. I wanted to trace one of those feathers with my fingernail. I wanted to kiss away the angels tears. The piece was amazing and utterly depressing. Loneliness seeped from that angel in waves and I wanted to know why this woman would have such a tattoo adorning her body.

  And god did she have a body, hips that flared out from her waist that the tight black dress accentuated to a T. Her neck was made to trail kisses down. I wanted to trace her spine with my tongue, and for the first time in months, I wanted to take a woman back to my hotel room. Maybe she was exactly what I needed to get thoughts of Jules and our one amazing kiss out of my head.

  My eyes drifted down her body again and I noticed that her skirt started just above one of the best asses I had ever seen. I closed my eyes and sucked in a breath hoping that my body would take the hint, my blood flow was quickly rushing down to the lower half of my body. I took another deep breath and released it slowly before opening my eyes.

  Lilac colored eyes framed in ridiculously long eyelashes stared back at me. I swallowed trying to relieve my suddenly parched throat. Lips that I had kissed days ago were tilted up in a smile and I wanted to lean down and press mine against hers. Her tits were out on display for the world to see and I wanted to reach over and caress them and watch her nipples harden under that thin dress. My eyes followed her body, noticing the sides of her breasts were exposed along with her ribs. My eyes stalled on the flash of garters that showed below that too short skirt. I took in the tattoo along her left thigh and down to the sexy as sin shoes I was sure she’d tripped over at least once tonight. She was my wet dream, in a sea of men who were staring at her.

  That thought snapped me to my senses. “What the fuck are you wearing?” I growled.

  “A dress.”

  “Where’s the rest of it?”

  “You don’t like it?” She spun around causing the longer back of the skirt to flare out slightly.

  I sucked in a breath and leaned forward so my mouth was to her ear. “I love it, Jules, but I’d prefer if every other man here had not seen you in it.”

  She tilted her head so her breath fanned along my ear and down my neck. “You don’t want me, so why shouldn’t I find someone who does?”

  Then the vixen turned kissed Seth on the cheek then walked away into the mass of people. I leaned against the bar, closed my eyes, and willed my erection away. She was going to be the death of me.

  I felt a slap on my shoulder. “You okay, man?”

  “No, not really.”

  Seth laughed then walked away. I quickly finished the rest of my beer and flagged down the bartender for another, I was going to need it.

  Chapter 30

  Jules

  I strode away from Sam trying to look like I had much more confidence that I actually felt, once I was certain the crowd had swallowed me, I stopped and took a deep breath. Ash had given me a pep talk on the ride over here and she told me to look cool, calm, and unaffected. How the hell was I supposed to do that when Sam looked at me like he wanted to tear my dress off with his teeth, I had no clue. This wasn’t me, I wasn’t a sex kitten type girl. I was a covered in graphite, cursing, beer-drinking, jean-wearing girl, I knew how to be that girl. The idea of changing that girl just to appeal to a man had never sat well with me, and yet here I was doing exactly that.

  The more I thought about it and the less this whole evening appealed to me. I had just decided that I was going to go back to the hotel, take a hot shower, and forget about it. If he didn’t want me for me then he wasn’t worth it. No one was worth losing myself over, that scared little sixteen–year-old girl who was looking for someone to validate them was long gone. I turned to head back out the door I’d only recently entered, when someone snagged me around the hips.

  I turned ready to introduce someone’s balls into my knee only to realize it was Thatcher.

  “Well Jules, you clean up well,” he yelled over the music.

  “Thanks,” I yelled back.

  He let go of my hips and latched onto my wrist yanking me into the swarm of dancers. “Come on.”

  “I was about to leave.”

  “Why?”

  “This isn’t my scene.”

  He leaned down so we could talk without screaming. “One night, come on, just let go and try something different.”

  I eyed Thatcher and nodded, one night of hanging out with friends dancing wouldn’t kill me. It could end up being fun, and I would be doing it for me and not to get Sam’s attention.

  He pulled me into a group of people dancing on the floor, stepped up beside me putting his hands on the exposed skin, and began to move to the song. I quickly fell into the movement and lost myself in the heavy beat.

  “I think her left breast is about to fall out of her dress,” Thatcher said in my ear and gestured to a woman who did look like she was about to flash everyone. I giggled and nodded.

  I started people watching and pointing out different people on the floor with Thatcher, both of us were laughing while trying to dance. I’m sure we looked like idiots but I didn’t care.

  “Is he trying to eat her face?” I asked pointing out a couple in front of us.

/>   “I think he lost his gum.”

  “In her tonsils?”

  He laughed pressing his face against my neck. I was turning my head to say something about one of the dancers a few feet ahead of me but Thatcher was gone. I turned around and found a pissed off Sam and Thatcher glaring at one another.

  I stepped forward to get in the middle of them and tell Sam he could go to hell when someone grabbed me once again.

  “I am getting really fucking tired of being manhandled!” I yelled. I turned around and punched X in the face.

  “Shit,” he cried putting his hand on his eyes. “What the hell, Jules?”

  “I am not a god damn rag doll to be dragged around,” I yelled back.

  I turned and headed towards Sam. “I’m also not a shiny fucking toy to be fought over,” I yelled.

  “Thatch, you okay?” I asked eyeing him up and down. He nodded and I turned to look at Sam.

  “What is your problem?” I growled stepping forward into his space. “You don’t want me; you’ve made that perfectly clear, so leave me the fuck alone.”

  “Jules,” he groaned.

  “No, you don’t get to play games with me.” I turned and glared at everyone then walked away. I pushed through the crowds and out the door and climbed into one of the awaiting cabs. I told him the hotel and sat back seething at the men in my life. They were all asshats.

  Sam

  “That could have gone better,” Eli said as we watched Jules hightail it out of the club.

  I turned and glared at Thatcher taking a step forward. “Woah,” Seth said into my ear, “that’s enough for tonight.” He shoved me towards the door roughly. “Let’s go.”

  We all stumbled outside and I took a breath of air. It was warm here but nowhere near the heat that was in the club.

  “Next time you decide to piss her off,” X drawled, “could you please warn me, I’ll make sure to duck.”

  I looked at him, ready to snap at him but drew up short. “What the hell happened to you?”

  Eli snickered beside him. “Jules punched him in the eye.”

  “That woman has a mean right hook,” he grumbled.