Believed (My Misery Muse)

by Betzold, Brei

  “Let’s go, Casanova,” Seth called opening the door to the SUV we had arrived in. I climbed into the very back and settled into the corner. I knew I was being a petulant ass but I was still pissed off. Seeing someone with their hands on her, whispering in her ear, making her laugh, it just broke something in me. Next thing I know I’m ripping Thatcher away from her ready to beat his ass.

  “Want to explain what that was?” X asked.

  “Not really.”

  “Too bad,” he growled.

  I turned and looked out the window watching the city pass us by.

  “Sam?”

  “What, Xavier?”

  “What’s going on with you?”

  “Nothing.”

  “You are a dumbass,” X turned and looked back at me. “If you want her then do something about it, but stop stringing her along.”

  “I’m not stringing her along,” I yelled.

  “Then what are you doing?” he yelled back.

  “I don’t know. I don’t know what I want.”

  “Bullshit,” he clipped out. “You’re just too fucking scared to go for what you want.”

  “You don’t get it,” I gritted out.

  “Then make me understand.” He put his hands out, “because from where I’m sitting you look like a pussy.”

  “I’ve got too much… there is too much,” I screamed. “Between the band, the new label, the old label, my family, my dad dying, his fucking secrets—” I stopped suddenly and looked at Xavier’s ashen face. “There is not enough of me to go around, do you get it now? I can’t be who she needs me to be; I can’t give her what she wants.”

  He snorted. “We’ll be discussing some of this in a minute, but let’s get to your asinine statement first. Have you even talked to her about what she wants? No, you haven’t, you’ve assumed once again that you know best, that it’s your job to take care of everything. If you haven’t noticed Jules can take care of herself.”

  “Really, then why has her ex been beating on her and stealing from her for who knows how long?”

  I looked at the members of my band hoping someone could explain it to me. The only thing that makes sense to me is that she’s still in love with the prick, and if that’s the case then this whole thing is for naught anyway.

  “If you don’t see why then you don’t know her,” Seth finally answered. “Jules is a caregiver, she wants everyone to be happy. She was trying to help him. Yeah, it was in the wrong way. Only that’s Jules, she will put herself second every time as long as it’s helping someone she cares for. It spiraled out of control, it went to a place she didn’t know how to handle, and she was ashamed.” He looked over at me and stared me in the eyes. “And you’re an idiot.”

  The rest of the trip to the hotel was quiet, until we reached our floor. Everyone headed into the suite Seth and I were sharing.

  “Your dad’s dying?” X asked.

  I nodded. “He is.”

  Seth went to the mini fridge, pulled out four bottles of beer, and passed them out. “How long have you known?”

  “He and Mom made an announcement after Christmas dinner. He has stage four pancreatic cancer, has for almost a year now but they didn’t think we needed to know. Instead they waylaid us after opening Christmas presents then expected us to go about eating dessert like nothing was amiss.”

  “Damn,” X whispered.

  “Why didn’t you tell us?” Seth demanded.

  “Didn’t want you guys to worry.”

  He snorted. “That was, I don’t even know what to say about that, Sam.”

  “You and X are close to him, you look at him like a father figure. I didn’t want this over-clouding the tour.”

  “No, instead you keep it all bottled in, then try to work yourself to death. That’s a great way to deal,” Seth seethed.

  “Back off,” Jules growled from the doorway. She pointed at Seth. “You have no room to talk about keeping secrets. I get that you’re all upset but bitching him out will not make it all better, Sam, as dumb as it was, thought he was doing the right thing.”

  “Jules,” Seth began.

  “Nuh uh,” she wagged a finger at him, “I don’t want to hear it.” She turned towards me. “Sam, I’m so sorry about your dad, if you need anything let me know.”

  I nodded my head stunned by her support, her ability to stand up for me after the stunt I pulled tonight. “Jules I’m—”

  She held out her hand. “I’m going to bed, ‘night everyone.”

  I watched as she retreated from me once again tonight. “I screwed up,” I mumbled.

  “Yeah,” all three chorused. I flipped them off, set my beer on the table, and followed Jules to her room.

  Chapter 31

  Jules

  I was lying in the bed trying to talk myself into getting out of this dress and taking a shower. I didn’t want to move though. I was tired, my feet hurt, and men sucked. I wanted to be angry with Sam; I wanted hate him, but I couldn’t. As much as I tried I couldn’t make myself hate the ass, instead I was worried about him. I knew he was taking too much on, had been for a while. I knew his dad being sick was taking its toll yet he never let on. All I wanted to do was wrap him up in my arms and hold him, I wanted him to know I was there for him. I was a colossal idiot.

  I heard my bedroom door open then close softly. I groaned and rolled over onto my stomach. It was easier than picking up my head at the moment to see who had come into my temporary inner sanctum. I shouldn’t have been surprised to see Sam standing there watching me but I was.

  “What do you want?”

  He took a hesitant step towards the bed. “To say I’m sorry.”

  “For what?”

  He laughed bitterly. “For tonight, for not speaking up the other night when I should have, for a lot of things, Jules.”

  I rested my chin on my crossed arms and watched him. I took him in from head to toe, taking my fill like I was starving and he was a piece of chocolate cheesecake. I wanted this man; I had for a long time. Hell, I was attracted to him the first time I saw him while I was sitting on the deck at Devi’s old house, drinking margaritas while I was grossly underage. Only I had Beau at the time, and I knew that nothing would ever come of the attraction. I was so naive thinking Beau was it for me, ignoring everything that was going on around me.

  “Did I tell you, you looked beautiful tonight?”

  “No,” I said softly.

  “You did, you do, when I saw you standing there with Seth you took my breath away.”

  I smiled. “That’s a cheesetastic line you have there.”

  He smiled that lopsided smile and my heart beat doubled. I loved that smile though he rarely used it, which was unfortunate, well considering what it did to my body maybe it was a good thing. If he used it more often, I probably would have succumbed to heart failure before now.

  “You looked gorgeous,” he murmured.

  “But?” I could hear the but at the end of the sentence.

  He shook his head slowly. “But you didn’t look like you.”

  “That’s because I was dressed up like Ho Barbie.”

  He laughed. “Ho Barbie, huh?”

  I nodded. “Devi’s idea.”

  “Ah should have known,” he muttered. “I didn’t like it, the way you were dressed. You looked gorgeous, but you always do.”

  “So what didn’t you like?”

  “I missed you looking like you.”

  He had been slowly making his way to my bed as we talked, and I hadn’t realized it. When he sat down beside me, it surprised me. When he ran the tips of his fingers down my exposed back, I nearly moaned. It felt like an electric current was running just under my skin with that one single touch.

  “This is amazing,” he whispered.

  “Hmm?” I asked not really caring as long as he kept touching me.

  “Who did your back piece?”

  “Cris did the galaxy, Devi did the angel and birds, Max did the rest.”

 
I closed my eyes and basked in the feeling of his finger running along my skin.

  “When did you get it?”

  “I was eighteen. It was my graduation present.”

  “And this?” he asked running his fingers down my arm.

  “Cris, a year ago.”

  He ran the pads of his fingers down my arm following the clocks and gears that ran down my left arm his calluses scraping across my skin sending a delicious friction through my body.

  “For time and the world do not stand still. Change is the law of life. And those who look only to the past or the present are certain to miss the future,” he murmured tracing the words inked into my skin.

  “John F. Kennedy,” I muttered.

  “Is that a tardis?” He asked and I could hear the amusement laced in his voice.

  “I’m a geek at heart.”

  “And this one?” He asked reaching for my other arm.

  “Devi,” I looked over and watched as he followed the lines of the brick road that started at my wrist and led to the fairy tale castle on my upper arm.

  “Fairy tales are more than true: not because they tell us that dragons exist, but because they tell us that dragons can be beaten. Who said this?”

  “G. K. Chesterton.”

  “Wise man.”

  “Any others?”

  “One.”

  “Where?”

  I rolled over onto my back so I could show him my left thigh. “Max did this one.”

  He followed the lines of my blood pudding tattoo with his eyes. “Alice from Alice in Wonderland?”

  I bit my lip and nodded as he ran his fingers down my thigh.

  “Sexy,” he murmured.

  “Thank you.”

  He ran his fingers lightly from my thigh up my hips and onto the exposed skin of my ribs. I sucked in a breath and held it while I watched his eyes follow the path of his fingers. He slowly ran his a fingernail over the side of my breast and I closed my eyes letting the breath out.

  My eyes flew open when I felt his lips brush my neck, and I shuddered when he placed a soft kiss on my jaw. His lips dragged across my cheek until he pressed them softly to my lips causing my eyes to flutter closed. We stayed there for what felt like infinity, our lips barely touching, breathing each other in. Neither of us willing to take it farther nor wanting to break the contact we shared.

  Finally, he pressed a soft kiss to my bottom lip then pulled away. Instantly I mourned the loss of his touch, his warmth.

  “Put on some comfortable clothes,” he whispered in my ear, then stood and walked out of the room. I laid there for a few minutes before forcing myself up on shaky legs to do as he said.

  Sam

  I had to get out of that room before things went further than they should tonight. I leaned against the door of my bedroom and adjusted my hard-on. I wanted to slowly peel that dress from her body and kiss every inch of her skin. I wanted to her to wrap those incredible legs around me as I pressed into her body the first time. I wanted a lot of things, but I knew tonight wasn’t the night. When I made love to Jules for the first time it would not be after a fight, it would not be with the shadows that I caused in her eyes.

  I quickly stripped my clothes off and pulled on a pair of well-worn pajama pants and a T-shirt. Then I padded back to her room barefoot and lightly tapped on the door. She opened the door and smiled. “You’re back.”

  I nodded mutely taking her in. Her hair was wet from a shower, her make-up was gone, and she was in a pair of capri pants with skeletons dancing on them. She wore a tight white tank top that I could see her areolas through had me transfixed to the point I had to remind myself to breathe.

  “You coming in?”

  At this point, I wasn’t sure if that was the smartest idea. “Yeah,” I said hoarsely.

  She turned and walked back to her bed. I watched her hips sway and the pull of fabric across her ass. I adjusted myself again then followed her into the room closing the door behind me.

  She sat cross-legged on the bed against the headboard and watched me interestedly.

  I sat on the down on the bed facing her. “I thought we should talk.”

  I watched transfixed as she spun her labret around in circles. “What did you want to talk about?”

  “You.”

  She nodded. “What about me?”

  “I’m worried that it’s not really me you want.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “You just got out of a relationship—” I started.

  “Beau and I have been over for a long time,” she interrupted.

  “That may be but he never really left your life.”

  She sighed. “You want to know what happened?”

  “Yeah, I guess I do.”

  We sat in the quiet for a while both of us staring at each other until she cleared her throat and looked away.

  “I met Beau when I was seventeen; he was a friend of Devi’s from art school. We were friends, he was this amazing painter and sculptor, and he helped me with my sketching. When I was nineteen, we made the jump from friends to lovers. He wasn’t like the other guys I’d been with; he was actually interested in me as a person not just a vagina with legs.” She looked up at me and blushed. “Sorry, uhm, yeah, I was not a good person for a long time.”

  “I get it.” I really did. I wasn’t as anti-groupies at one point in my life. They were accessible and I took great pleasure in that access. Not something I was proud of, but not something I could change either.

  “He was kind to me when very few were. He watched me as I struggled from being an angry teenager that was hell bent on destroying everything in my path to someone I could like. He didn’t judge me and I loved him for that. I don’t think I was ever in love with him though,” she mused. “We were together for like six months and moved in together, that’s when I noticed him taking pills. He said they were to help him stay awake so he could finish pieces without losing his muse. That all artists used something to help them with the creative process. I shrugged it off. What did I know? Only things escalated, it went from the occasional pick me up to him snorting lines. When I walked in on him smoking meth, I was done, I refused to be around it. I had already fought my own demons and being around that wasn’t healthy for me, so I packed up and left.”

  I watched as she fiddled with a loose string in her pants for a few quiet minutes. “I tried to stay his friend. I wanted to help him get better. Only he didn’t want that, he stopped painting; he stopped everything except the drugs. When he ran out of money, he got desperate and came to me begging. He said he’d stop, that he’d get help if I would just give him some money until he could get into rehab. I knew he was lying to me, but I wanted to believe him so I gave it to him. He came back a week later the same sob story, when I told him no, he yelled and threatened me then took some cash from my wallet. Things just progressed until he hit me.” She wiped her eyes and looked up at me. “I told Max and he moved me into your apartment. Only Beau started following me around and he’d corner me when I was least expecting him and alone. He’d hurt me, take some money then leave for a while. I didn’t know what to do.”

  “It wasn’t your fault,” I said quietly taking her small hand into my calloused one.

  “I lied to Max and told him I hadn’t seen him since I moved into your place. I didn’t want anyone to know how weak I was. Except Max saw him hanging around the shop, then he broke into your apartment. I am so, so sorry about that.”

  “Shh,” I whispered and wiped the tears from her cheeks. “You aren’t weak, Jules.”

  She smiled grimly at me. “I let my ex beat me up for money to buy drugs.”

  “Did you fight back?”

  “Of course.”

  “What he did was wrong. You did nothing wrong. You are not weak.”

  “We’ll just have to agree to disagree.”

  I shook my head at this beautiful, vulnerable woman. “Fine, but I see the strength you possess.”

  Chapter 32


  Jules

  “Want to know the worst thing?” I asked looking down at our entangled fingers. “The worst thing is that he broke something in me, and I don’t think it can be fixed.”

  “He may have bruised you, but he did not break you,” Sam said and I could hear the strength of conviction in his words.

  “He took my ability to believe from me.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I used to have belief that things would work out. That sometimes fairy tales come true, that a knight in tarnished armor would show up in my life at some point, only now I know that’s not true. I know that what I see around me with my friends will never be my reality.”

  “Jules,” he whispered sadly.

  “I want to say it’s okay, but it’s really not. I didn’t want much. I just wanted someone to see the value in me. I wanted someone to see something in me that was worth being emotionally invested in. I never expected perfection. I know perfection is a myth.”

  He pulled me into his lap, wrapped his arms around me, and held me tight. “If I could I would make it all go away, I’d give that back to you,” he whispered into my neck.

  “Can you just hold me? I just want someone to hold me. I’m tired of being alone.”

  He rearranged us so we were both lying on the bed then wrapped his warm body around mine. For the first time in a long time I felt safe, it was an amazing thing.

  He pressed a kiss to the nape of my neck. “Will you go someplace with me tomorrow?”

  I turned my head to look at his face, he sounded so nervous when he’d asked. I nodded my head and the look of relief on his face was like a weight had been lifted.

  “Thank you,” he murmured before pressing a chaste kiss to my lips. “Sleep, angelito mio.”

  And for the first time in a long time, I fell asleep feeling hopeful.

  I awoke and I knew I was alone. I reached my hand across the bed just to reaffirm to my sleepy brain. I snuggled further into the comforter I was cocooned in and tried to go back to sleep. Except it didn’t work, so I eventually gave up on the idea and stretched my body like a cat. I rolled across the bed to unwrap myself from the blankets when I heard a crinkling noise. Once I had regained the use of my limbs, I dug around until I pulled out a piece of hotel stationery.