Shocked, Lia said, “You can’t visit your family? Why?”
“They said something about the media fuss over my knighthood, and being friends with you and Charlie, and the death threats. They seem to think Australia isn’t security-conscious enough. Anyone could infiltrate the press or even the funeral without proper security arrangements, apparently. So they’ve taken over. The King’s paid for the entire shebang, even the wake.” He tried to smile. “It’s a good thing, since Dad didn’t have insurance.”
Lia was horrified. “Oh, Toby, I’m so sorry—it’s because of us. Charlie’s on his way, of course. We weren’t going to leave you alone, but it means there’ll be ASIO everywhere. If you don’t want us to come…”
“Come.” He buried his face in her hair. “It makes no difference. Being the best friend of a king means high security anyway, in case someone kidnaps me to get to Charlie or you.”
“I’m sorry, so sorry,” she choked. “When Theo Angelis told me, I didn’t even think beyond that you’d need me. I didn’t realise…”
“I do need you. I’ve been pacing like a crazy man all day without you. I want to help them, do something for Dad, but I can’t. I can’t even go to the damn funeral home and tell my father I’m sorry I left the family that way.” His voice cracked. “I didn’t even know my own father, Giulia, and it’s my fault.”
Holding him to her, Lia walked him to the massive lounge and sat down on his lap. “No, Toby, that’s not true. They put you in an impossible position because they hated each other.”
His face darkened with self-recrimination. “I could have made it better. I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to be one of them. I visited them like they were in prison. I wanted to forget I was a Winder. I became one of your family and left them behind.”
“You were fifteen, Toby, and they disowned you,” she replied, trying to be gentle, but feeling fierce inside. “You kept calling your father when he wouldn’t take your calls. You visited him as soon as he started talking to you again.” And he’d done so much more, including letting Mr Winder live rent-free for two years in the house he’d bought when his father had lost his job.
“I could have tried harder to be close to him. You would have. You never give up on anyone.”
Only on myself, she thought ironically.
“Don’t think about it.” She held him in her arms, caressing his hair. “Regrets are useless things, love. You can’t change the past, only try to make the future better.”
“I can’t stop thinking about it.” He held hard to her. “He’s gone, and I can never tell him I’m sorry. It’s just another regret in half a lifetime of them. I keep losing the people I love because I don’t tell them the things I ought to.”
For a long time she just let him shake, let the tears fall, let him hate himself. She heard him out, didn’t attempt to soothe him with words that wouldn’t help. She held him and kissed him over and over, her silence and her love the only balm she had.
When the shaking subsided, she knew the time had come.
“If you lose people you love through silence, we’re two of a kind,” she whispered, kissing his cheek. “I’ve been a coward too long, afraid of losing you, afraid of being hurt. I won’t live my life in fear anymore. I’m sorry, this is probably the worst time to say it, but there may not be another time.” She held his face in her hands again, looking deep into his eyes. “I am the most beautiful woman in the world to you, and you want me more than any other woman.”
White-faced, dark rings beneath his eyes, he looked strained, haggard with grief. But then slowly he smiled, the one that turned her insides to mush, and though the pain, the regret, was still there he looked like sunshine on the water, like a summer breeze through the trees: beautiful and whole. And the worst time somehow became the right time. “Yes.”
“I haven’t finished.” She put a finger to his lips, smiling back. “You love me.”
He smiled, looking puzzled. “Of course.”
“No,” she whispered, tinged with awe and joy. “You’re in love with me.”
He smiled again, his eyes coming to life as he understood: at last she believed in herself; she finally realised that a man as wonderful as Toby could be in love with her. “Of course.”
He said it as if it was something she also should have known all along—and suddenly she realised she would always have known, if only she could have believed in herself the way she believed in him.
She touched his face the way he had touched hers minutes ago, her eyes shimmering with trust. “You are the most beautiful man in the world to me, and I want you so much I’m in pain. Tonight I’m going to make love to you all night, the man I love with all my heart.”
“Are you certain, beloved?” he whispered against her mouth. “I’m your first kiss, your first love. If not for my selfishness, you’d—”
She held a finger to his mouth, smiling. “Did you need to taste every fruit in the world to be sure mangoes were always going to be your favourite?”
One side of his mouth quirked up. “No, but…”
“Did kissing or making love to any of those other women make you forget me, or want me less?”
The momentary cloud in his eyes at the mention of those women lifted at the strength and conviction in her voice. “They only made me want you more.”
Her eyes lit; the finger at his mouth drew a slow, sensuous line along it. “Then accept the truth, Winder—I don’t want to kiss anyone else.” She kissed him, slow and deep. “I tried for years to get over you, but I only lied to myself. You’re it—you’re the only one. Love me, Toby.”
One kiss, two, soft, slow and clinging…healing in words, without words. “I do. I always have, since the day you brought me home. I just didn’t know how much until you collapsed and I faced the thought of life without you.” After another, deeper kiss, he pulled back, his eyes searching hers. “I don’t have protection, Giulia, and there’s no way for us to get it without it hitting world news. You could fall pregnant.”
A joy so poignant it was almost pain lit her entire body. Toby’s child…
“I’ve dreamed of seeing you rounded with our child for years.” He kissed her cheek, her throat. “But if you fall pregnant, beloved, I’ll storm the damned palace to bring you home if I have to. I’ll fight Charlie and Jazmine and the entire House of Hereditary Lords. I won’t give you up, or our child, not to kings or princes or any national need.”
Lost in the lovely dreams his declaration brought to life in her, she whispered, “Make me pregnant, Toby. Give me your child. Then Charlie would…”
Slowly, he looked up into her eyes, the fire dimmed. “Even when he’s king, Charlie can’t wave a magic wand to make me a duke or prince. He checked the law. He can’t hand me Malascos like a gift. It has to be inherited at death, to a descendant.” He shrugged. “I always knew I barely deserved you, even when you were my at-home girl. But you’re not my Giulia now—you’re the princess you were born to be. You belong in the palace. You deserve the adoration of everyone in Hellenia, and I don’t have a place in that world.”
How he could believe he didn’t have a place, when he was a national hero, she didn’t understand—or maybe she did. She’d spent years not feeling pretty enough for him; he’d spent those same years feeling unworthy of her. The titles and castles only widened that gap in his mind.
“It isn’t about adoration or fame or wealth to me,” she said earnestly, staring into his eyes, pleading for him to understand. “If it were that, I’d walk away from it to be with you without looking back. You’ve seen what I do. It’s so much more important than looking good, smiling, waving and having people love you.”
“I do know—I understand, Giulia—but I am what I am. I’m a commoner, a simple fireman. Even if the Hellenican people would allow it, I can’t ride on your wings or live in your shadow.” He frowned and looked away from the devastation she knew was in her eyes. “I handled the intrusions, and everyone in my face and business in
the palace, because it had a shelf life. Even all the knighthood stuff will pass. But even here, in my home country, I can’t leave a hotel room to organise my father’s funeral.” He sighed. “I’ll always love you, but I can’t live my life surrounded by security, every hour planned, my most personal moments documented in the press, always giving some piece of me to fulfil the dreams and expectations of strangers.”
Sadness swamped her as the last vestiges of her life’s dream quietly splintered and fell to the ground; but she couldn’t blame him. He’d sacrificed enough of his life to her health and happiness. It was time she gave him a priceless gift: his freedom, without chains of guilt. “It’s all right,” she whispered, trying not to cry.
“I won’t ask you to stay with me,” he whispered back. “No matter how much I need and love you.”
Blackness swamped her eyes and heart as she saw the “Toby and Giulia” story dying right in front of her. “I couldn’t forgive myself for choosing personal happiness over the welfare of a nation, and a royal family that’s lost everyone else. I couldn’t stand the regrets Yiayia and Papou suffered, or live in hiding.”
As if he’d expected it, he nodded. He knew her so well.
“I’ll always be the King’s sister, the lost princess. There’ll always be press interest in my life. You’d hate it, hate me, in the end.”
“I could never hate you,” he said quietly.
But you couldn’t live my life either, even if we found a miracle. So I’m giving you the gift you deserve. She smiled at him. “We still have tonight.”
He stood, lifting her in his arms, kissed her and carried her to the bed, lying her down on the cover. “What is it?” he whispered.
“Silly dreams,” she whispered. “I always envisioned this as our wedding night.” She bit her lip, embarrassed. “I’ve imagined my wedding since I was twelve. You were always the groom at the end of the aisle, the one I made my vows to.”
His eyes darkened. “If your dream is silly, beloved, then so is mine.” He pulled two boxes from his pocket, his face still and serious. “I’ve been carrying these around since the tenth anniversary of your release from the clinic. Wear them for me tonight.”
He opened the first box: inside was a pretty ruby-and-diamond engagement ring. The second held matching wedding rings. “T-T…” She couldn’t go on.
He pulled her rings from their boxes, his smile so tender it broke her heart. “Left hand, please.”
She bit her lip as she held out her left hand. Looking into those summer-sky eyes so filled with love, finally she believed the heart of this magnificent, giving man was hers for life.
As he slid the rings on her finger, she stumbled through a clumsy vow, the words she’d relived in her mind a thousand times. “I promise to be true to you in good times and bad, and forsaking all others, love only you for all the days of my life.”
As she slid the ring onto his wedding finger, he said, “There will never be another woman in my heart, Giulia. You are my wife, my love, now and for ever.”
He kissed her, then walked to the bedroom door and closed it.
Hours later, Lia stood watching the fading lights of the city shimmering on the shifting waves of Sydney Harbour. Dawn was close.
She wore the satin robe the hotel had provided, her hair loose. She was barefoot, her body thoroughly loved, her mind and heart full. She’d hoped, believed, that if her first time was with Toby she could face the future with courage, and allow one of those suitable men the King favoured to give the country a backup heir or two.
Now, having loved the only man for her, she couldn’t stand to think about another man’s hands touching her. She was Toby’s woman, heart, body and soul. She always had been. Now she always would be.
She wasn’t surprised when his warm, muscled, firefighter’s arms came round her. “Hey,” she greeted him, snuggling back against his body.
“Hey,” he said quietly.
He didn’t ask the timeless question. He knew she was all right, that she had no regrets for the most poignant, beautiful night of her life. He waited for her to speak.
She couldn’t tell him. He’d given up so much for her sake, for too many years. She had no doubt that, if she told him how she felt, he’d do it again. But this time he’d change jobs and countries, living alone for her sake, waiting for stolen moments with her, and his spirit would wither.
She kept looking out over the water, watching the soft fire of morning begin on the eastern side of Fort Dennison.
“God, how I wish I could ask you to stay, to marry me, my beautiful, beloved friend. I want you to stay with me in the house Papou built, have babies with me and live the life we both love.”
“Don’t, Toby, please don’t.” She closed her eyes. “It’s a beautiful dream with no substance. You know it wouldn’t happen, even if they let me go.”
His voice was smoky-dark, husky with love. “Some people live their entire lives never knowing the kind of love we have. What we have comes only once in a lifetime.”
A lifetime they couldn’t have…
“Do you remember when I took your hand the day you came to live with us?”
He lifted her hair, kissing her neck. “Yes, of course.”
“I walked home, so proud and happy. You were holding my hand, and it meant the world to me. I couldn’t talk. I just kept thinking, ‘I’m going to marry him,’” she said through a thick throat. “That’s how long I’ve loved you.”
His eyes were dark. “I’ve loved you from the same day. You pulled off a miracle for me, gave me a life and family, and I’ve adored you ever since.”
Breathe, Lia. Remember to breathe. She concentrated on it until she had a measure of control. “I’ll organise for you to meet your family today.”
“It’s done. The security contingent just needed a day to work out the logistics.”
“Would you like me to come with you?” she offered tentatively.
He kissed her hair. “Best not to. They’d just turn it into another story.”
“All right.”
He lifted her hand, the one wearing his rings. “They’re not like any of your royal jewels.”
“No, they’re not.” They’re modest and sweet, like our lives before. A simple expression of your love: the only thing I ever wanted. “Can I keep them?”
“I bought them for you.” He pulled the wedding ring from her finger. “Look inside.”
She read the inscription: Giulia, for ever.
Moved by unbearable sweetness, she turned in his arms. “I said ‘I love you’ so many times as we made love, you must be tired of hearing it, but I held it in so long. I love you so much.”
“I’ll never tire of hearing it, or knowing it.” He kissed her with lingering sweetness. “Call me in the middle of the night if you need to. I’ll always want to hear it. And if you need to hear how much I love you, I’ll always say it back and mean every word.”
He didn’t say the rest: when I’m here and you’re gone.
She blocked it from her mind. Her hands slipped beneath his robe to his waist, caressing it. They slid up to his chest and then his shoulders…and as the lovely thudding of desire took over again she whispered, “I need you,” as she’d already said so many times on this, the only night they could have.
With a tender smile, he led her back to the bed.
Toby awoke with Giulia in his arms.
The morning sun flooded through the plate window, flickering over her golden skin; the reflections from the windows glistened on the hair spread over his pillows. She was deeply asleep, but her arm held him close, one of her legs tossed over his. Her lips moved over his chest as she breathed in and out.
So this was his dream come true; this was making love. He’d waited a lifetime for this night, this morning, and again she’d made it worth every moment. With every touch, every movement inside her, she’d unleashed a torrent of love on him like a burst dam: I love you, I adore you, Toby. You’re everything to me. She had to
have be in pain after the first time, yet she turned to him over and over in the night, loving his body with such utter reverence and pure love it had brought a physical ache to his chest.
And as she’d fallen into an exhausted sleep an hour ago, she’d whispered, “This is the only wedding night I’ll ever have.”
How she could love him so much when he’d screwed it up with her so many times through the years, he didn’t know. All he knew was that she was the love of this lifetime or any other, and giving her up now would kill him. He’d fight the world to keep her here with him for life.
But there was no choice, nothing to fight. He could make her stay, but it would destroy her giving heart, her principles and her conscience. The woman he loved could never walk away from a promise and live with herself…
Surely there had to be a way? They were so close to it, so close he felt as if he was constantly groping towards a solution he just couldn’t see. Love this perfect couldn’t be for nothing.
A slight sound, a movement, made him look round. Charlie stood in the half-open doorway, looking at them.
Toby met his oldest friend’s look of agonised indecision—deep, awkward sympathy and unspoken accusation—head on without apology.
As if feeling the disturbance, Giulia stirred, nuzzling his chest with her mouth. “I love you,” she mumbled.
Charlie flinched, turned on his heel and walked away.
CHAPTER TEN
TOBY returned to the bed, where she lay sleeping over an hour later. He watched her for a moment, then bent and kissed her. “Giulia.”
She stirred, stretched and smiled at him. “Toby.” The name was a caress. She reached for him.
Her lovely dancer’s body, golden and glowing and loved, showed through the sheet, and he ached to love her again. “I’ve just come back from talking to Charlie. He wants to see you.”
She must have seen something in his face; her arms dropped and her smile faded. “He came in here?” He nodded, and her mouth quirked. “Well, he always was on the overprotective side. So, is it the future king or the brother who wants to see me? Will it be pistols at dawn, or is he hounding you out of town?”
His Princess in the Making Page 14
