Finding My Faith

by Carly Fall

  Faith tried to shrug it off. She loved margaritas and didn't hesitate to help herself to a few of them.

  Conversation flowed smoothly as Cohen and Hudson questioned her about growing up in Flagstaff.

  "It was fun!" she said, sipping on her second margarita, the sting of Rayner not wanting to be near, or barely speak to her, fading. "We have summer, we get snow. The people in Phoenix really miss out on that. But most of them head north during the winter at some point to get to the snow...and well, during the summer as well to get away from the heat."

  It felt good just to sit back, get slightly drunk and talk like everything was normal. Like she was just out with some friends on a Friday night after work.

  By her third margarita, she was ready to pronounce herself pretty much drunk.

  And she was really happy to do so.

  She tried to play pool with Cohen while Hudson and Rayner disappeared for a while.

  And she sucked. She couldn't play pool to save her life even when she was sober.

  About 9:00 p.m. they settled in to watch a movie, and Rayner made an appearance. She watched as the three men argued over whether they should watch a horror or an action movie. She also couldn't help but notice where everyone was seated. Rayner had waited until she sat down on the small couch, and then took the opposite end of the big couch—the farthest position away from her as he could get with still being able to see the T.V.

  “What do you want to watch, Faith?” Cohen asked. Cohen had sat next to her.

  “I think I prefer action,” she said quietly, hating the fact that the margaritas were wearing off, and not really caring what movie they watched. Her mind was on Rayner.

  She had given up hope that she was suffering from some psychotic savior complex and realized her feelings were real. And of course, that made Rayner avoiding her hurt all the worse. Maybe she should just head home and accept her fate of living under her father’s thumb until she found a husband. It might be easier to deal with than being around the person she loved who obviously didn't love her back. Who maybe didn't even like her. And it wasn’t like she could remain in the silo forever. At some point, she would have to leave and face her fears.

  As they watched the new version of Conan the Barbarian, she really couldn't concentrate on the movie. She felt tired, she felt unsettled, and she felt like her heart was breaking. How odd to go through life and never find someone she was really attracted to, and she had looked. She had been on enough bar crawls to meet lots of men, and none of them did anything for her. She dated every now and then, but the relationship never went past one or two dates. Now, she was sitting a few feet away from someone who really curled her toes, but he didn't like her. Well, maybe he liked her, but he wasn't attracted to her in any way. He didn't want her.

  She just really wanted to go to bed, and maybe even head home at some point tomorrow. She simply couldn't deal with the rejection of Rayner any longer. Well, honestly, she was hoping in the morning she could decipher what would be worse: staying here with the man she loved who didn't love her back, or going home to the oppressive thumb of her father.

  Not that she blamed her father.

  She tried to put herself in her father's shoes, and she understood the need of a parent to protect their offspring and do what was best for them at all costs. The thing about parents, and parenting for that matter, was that sometimes parents think they where doing good, but they really weren’t. Her case was a perfect example. She wasn't content in staying in small town Flagstaff. She wanted to see more of the world, and Phoenix was as far as she could go dollar-wise. She had loved her stay in a different environment and relished the different people and personalities she met. Her thoughts traveled back to Terry. She had never known anyone who was outwardly gay. Not that it mattered one bit to her, but she loved his flamboyance, his zest for life, his “I don't give a fuck” attitude. And he had introduced her to a whole new lifestyle—the clubbing, the parties, and the fun. She loved Terry like a brother, even though they had only been roommates for a year.

  And then there was the fact that her father had said she was some part of a legend. She really hadn't believed that, but she never let her father know that. Really, what were the chances of her being the redhead born every twenty-five years that was supposed to produce a savior? And that savior was supposed to come from her and some guy with red eyes?

  Faith guessed that because of the way she felt about Rayner, she had imagined him as the other half of the legend. She certainly didn't know anyone with red eyes, and she doubted such a thing existed.

  She sat down on the bed, feeling a tequila headache from the margarita settling in. She felt tired, but unable to sleep. She had changed into her nightshirt after leaving the movie early.

  No one had ridden the elevator down with her to her room.

  She hit the lights and curled herself up under the big, green comforter. She stared across the room. The only illumination came from a small glow of a nightlight in the bathroom. She followed the shadows that it cast.

  She felt so alone. So very alone.

  Her eyelids grew heavy, and sleep took over her thoughts, sending her into blackness.

  Chapter 31

  One floor down, Rayner was pacing a track in his carpet. He thought about the trajectory of his life up to this point. His carefree life on SR44. The impulse to see more of his world and head to the big cities. Joining the military, which was his biggest mistake, as well as his greatest triumph. Coming to Earth thinking things were going to be easy, finding they weren't, and going into a mode of very little pleasure and a lot of work. Work destined to get him home, to where he wanted to be after his little jaunt into the unknown that he was so done with.

  And then a little red bomb got dropped into his lap in the name of Faith.

  Shit.

  He was trying so hard to keep himself away from her, to detach himself from the feelings he had for her. She was everything that he used to be on SR44 and shortly after he arrived on Earth. She enjoyed her life, not just plodded through it as he did.

  And they had so much in common. Despite the fact that they literally came from different universes, their backgrounds were so similar. The difference was that he had lost his zest for life, yet she either hadn't had time to lose hers, or hopefully, she never would.

  He just liked her. He liked the way her smile was quiet and shy, until she had a good gut-wrenching laugh. He loved that she was curious about life, but kept her grounding through her family. And she liked chocolate ice cream and sprinkles and River Monsters.

  Jesus, her beauty made his knees buckle. 'Nuff said about that.

  But he had to keep his distance because she didn't need him in her life. She was targeted by a Colonist, and there wasn't a way to make it work between them without revealing what he was. And if he did do that, there was no guessing how she would react. He couldn't take the chance of her talking to the wrong people and the consequence of what would happen to her...and to him and his fellow Warriors if she did.

  He swore silently, rubbing his eyes. He hated the contacts that muted the glow of his eyes. After awhile, they burned and itched. He went to the bathroom, debating on whether to take them out, and deciding against it in case he somehow ran into Faith. It was only a few hours until morning and his eyes wouldn't be glowing once the sun came up. He could deal until then. Splashing cool water on his face helped to calm the burn.

  The time clock in his head told him that he had twenty-four hours left of being this close to Faith. He had studiously tried to put distance between them, hoping that even just a few feet of physical distance would calm the hum within him, as if not talking to her would make her go away. He decided Cohen wasn't a very effective buffer.

  That was a shitty plan that wasn't working.

  He rubbed his face with a towel and met his reflection in the mirror. The gold hoops in his ears glinted in the light, as did the hoops through both his nipples. He still hadn't decided whether he liked them or not,
even though they had been there for three months. You would think he could have made a decision about them by now.

  But they were kind of a metaphor of his life. Stuff happened, and he really didn't react. Hell, he had his nipples pierced on a stupid bet with Cohen. He didn't get upset, he didn't love it, he didn't hate it. It just...was. He just...was. Just a hoop through an ear or a nipple that just hung there with no real emotion.

  How deep he was to compare a hoop through his nipple to his life.

  He had turned himself off. He got up everyday with nothing but the hunt for the Colonists on his mind, and went to bed with the same.

  And now Faith was rocking his world on its axis and making it spin counter-clockwise. He was waking up everyday with her on his mind, and going to bed with the same. Not to mention his body's response to her. He didn't have much more fight in him as far as she was concerned. The best thing would be to get her out of here and home safely to her parents.

  The phone on the bedside table shrilled. He walked over, wondering who was calling. He checked his watch. At 2:00 a.m. surely Faith would be asleep by now. What did Cohen and Hudson want?

  He picked up the phone.

  “Rayner! Oh my God! Rayner! Rayner!”

  He heard the phone thud as it was dropped and Faith screamed.

  Chapter 32

  By the time Rayner bolted through the door, Faith had gotten her ducks back in a row. She had fallen asleep briefly, only to be woken up by a nightmare. The man who had kidnapped her hovered above her bed, telling her she was never going to wake up. She had eventually woken up, proving him wrong, and proceeded to have a serious meltdown that constituted her trying to find the light switch, hitting a bunch of buttons on the phone and somehow reaching Rayner.

  “I'm sorry,” she said when he flew through the door. “I'm sorry. I-I had a nightmare...”

  He stared at her, breathing hard, his dark eyes scanning the room.

  Faith crossed her arms over her chest and looked at the floor, as if by doing so she could keep from throwing herself at Rayner and begging him to like her. She looked him over. He stood before her, the most perfect man she had ever seen. His huge chest and his feet were bare, his jeans barely hanging on to his hips. His blond hair fell around his face, and he pushed it back with his hand. The hoops in his ears glittered, along with the hoops in each of his nipples. And, good God, there was something so terribly sexy about them.

  The flush of embarrassment crept up her face, and she wished she had waited even a minute before calling him.

  “You're okay,” he said gruffly.

  She nodded, tears stinging her eyes again.

  “Faith?”

  The tears burst forward, as did her anger, angst, and fear. “You know, I thought that while I was trapped in that hell, that maybe, just maybe, we shared something. The way you acted like you cared was a very real performance, Rayner. Oscar worthy.”

  His silence only made her angrier.

  “You told me to hold on. For you, Rayner! You told me to hold on for you, and I did. And then once I was back among the living, you put as much distance between us as you could!” She began pacing, the tears of anger flowing freely now. She stopped and met his eyes. “Was it all a big trick? Just to make sure I lived? And if it was, then why did you do it? To make yourself feel better for not letting someone die?”

  When he didn't answer, she yelled, “Okay, if that wasn't it, then what was it, Rayner? Am I that awful to you? Do I disgust you that much?”

  She knew she was very close to hysteria, and she needed him to leave.

  “Get out!” she screamed. She listened to the shrill in her voice and realized that, no, she wasn't close to hysteria, but it had arrived at full throttle. “Get the fuck out!” she screamed. “I hate you, Rayner! I hate you for making me feel this way!”

  The tears were streaming down her face, and she felt like hitting something. She saw through the waterfalls from her eyes that Rayner stood at the door staring at her like she was some strange, new animal he had just encountered at the zoo. He didn't say anything for a moment, but then quietly asked, “How do I make you feel, Faith?”

  Somehow, this angered her even more. How dare he ask that? Why did he care? He'd made it pretty clear that he didn't. He'd thrown her in this pretty room all by herself and done his best to keep his distance from her, sometimes acting as if she didn't exist.

  “How dare you!” she said, marching over to him. “How dare you ask that?”

  She brought her fist back and launched it forward, but Rayner caught her fist before it made contact.

  They stood at an impasse. Faith ready to let loose all of her aggression, anger, and sorrow, but Rayner not letting her.

  Their eyes locked, and neither moved or spoke for a moment.

  “You listen to me, Faith,” he said in a quiet controlled voice laced with anger. “You think I don't find you attractive?”

  She didn't say anything.

  “You're wrong,” he bit out. He stepped closer so that their bodies were almost touching. He picked up a lock of hair and ran it through his fingers, his eyes never leaving hers. He dropped it, then ran his hand over her cheek. As he loomed over her, touching her tenderly, he looked angry—wickedly angry. His dark eyes glared at her as though they had fire burning in the center of them. “You, Faith Cloudfoot, are the most beautiful thing I have ever laid eyes on.” He took her fist and slowly opened it so her palm was flat. He then took her hand and placed it on the front of his jeans.

  “You feel that, Faith?”

  Oh, yes, she felt it. It was long and thick, and her body exploded in a primal need and desire. Her mouth went dry and she was certain she wasn't breathing.

  “That has been my constant companion since the second I laid eyes on you.”

  He took her hand away and curled it into a fist again, holding it in his hand in the exact way he had caught it.

  “I'm achingly aware of how beautiful you are, Faith. I fucking ache,” he practically hissed. He took his thumb and ran it over her bottom lip.

  “It's taken everything I have in me to not make love to you, not to fuck you,” he said in almost a whisper. He leaned his head down so that their mouths were close, and she swore she was going to get the kiss she so desperately wanted.

  Just before their lips met, he moved to the side and kissed her cheek. “But I can't,” he whispered fiercely. He took her earlobe between his lips and bit it softly. Chills shimmied up her spine, and she felt her knees ready to buckle. She tried to pull her hand from his, but he only held on tighter. “It's too dangerous for both of us,” he whispered slowly into her ear. “You could end up killed, and that, my beautiful Faith, is something I'm not willing to let happen.”

  He looked down at her, and she finally found her voice. “How?” she whispered, “How could I end up dead?”

  ***

  Rayner knew what he was doing was wrong, but he simply couldn't help himself. He should have left the room a while back, but seeing Faith standing in the middle of the room in that little blue nightshirt and watching her get angry at him had jacked him up to levels he had never known before. Holy Christ, he wanted her even more when she yelled at him, and when she had come at him with that little fist, oblivious to their size difference…it had sent him right to the edge. He would have to explore the psychiatry of that later. Right now, he was busy teetering on a very dangerous slope. He just wanted Faith. He didn't care about consequences, what would happen later, or what would happen in three minutes. He was only in the moment, and the moment consisted of Faith's hand on his raging erection.

  He wanted those lips, but he knew if he kissed her, he would be a goner. A total goner. Game over, hit the lights because his party would be over. So he kissed her cheek, which was soft and warm and just a little damp from all those tears that had ripped at his heart. He hadn't meant to actually nip at her earlobe.

  He needed to disengage and get away from her.

  Instead he placed his
hand at the nape of her neck and pulled her forward—the only thing separating them was their hands, her little fist wrapped in his big paw.

  "Rayner—"

  "Don't say another word, Faith," he whispered. "Just don't."

  He closed his eyes and brought a lock of her hair up to his nose, smelling the fresh mountain breeze scent he had come to associate with Faith. His chest grew tight, his breathing became more labored as the silky strands whispered across his skin. He wanted her with a ferocity that bordered on insanity. What beat within him now was nothing but raw male need, all pretenses of manners and gentlemanly etiquette long gone.

  When he felt her hand lay flat on his chest, and she turned her head and rested her cheek on his chest, he thought back to his dream and how good it felt to have Faith touch him, to be near her. To have it happen in real life was a zillion and one times better than the dream.

  "I think I'm in love with you, Rayner," she whispered.

  He knew that from the ceremony to get her spirit back in her body. It still shook him to his core to hear her say it. His skin developed goose bumps; his knees went weak at her words.

  “You can't love me, Faith,” he said into her hair.

  “It's too late,” she breathed into his chest. “Too late.”

  He knew what he had to do. He needed this to end, to come to a halt, a full stop with brakes screeching. He thought his heart might break, crack, or just fucking stop with his next words. “But it's not too late to let me go,” he whispered. He let go of her neck and hand and stepped away. He didn't meet her eyes as he opened the door and stepped out.

  Chapter 33

  The next day Rayner stayed in his quarters doing a little multi-tasking. He was studiously avoiding Faith and trying to fill his brain with other thoughts besides of her. He also studied the photos Hudson had taken of the room they had stumbled upon where Faith was found.