Family Secrets

by Zina Abbott

  Gerald motioned for her to enter before him. As she stepped into the dimly-lit room, she could feel the remnants of shower steam and smell the evidence of recent love-making hanging in the air. The room was dominated by two queen beds. The one closest to the window had been used, judging by the lumps and ridges in the bedspread where the covers had been casually tossed up to cover the pillows.

  There was only one chair in the room and it was pushed under a built-in vanity that was topped with a television. Jennie quickly grabbed it, positioning it so that she would not see the rumpled love-bed after she sat down. Gerald sat on the foot of the made-up bed.

  “Okay, we are face-to-face in the same room,” Gerald started. “I have seen you and Garrett in person. My feelings have not changed. I still want a divorce.”

  “You’ve been going to great lengths today to give me that message. What I want to know is why don’t you think our family is important enough to make the effort to save it? Why won’t you even consider seeing a marriage counselor? Maybe we can resolve some of the issues between us and try to work our way through them.”

  “No way! I’m not going to open myself up to that. Why can’t you just accept that I don’t love you and our marriage is over?”

  “Because I don’t know when or why that happened, Gerald. I thought we were in love. I thought we were planning a life together for ourselves and our son. The next thing I know, you found someone else and you want out of the marriage. Just like that?”

  “Not ‘just like that’. I told you a long time ago…” Gerald hesitated and shook his head.

  Jennie squinted her eyes at him, confused.

  “Are you all right, Gerald?”

  “I told you before, I’m all right. I get tired of people asking all the time if something is wrong. Nothing’s wrong with me. It’s just you fighting me about the divorce that is giving me a headache.”

  “Okay, Gerald. But, you never said anything about wanting out of our marriage a long time ago. The first you mentioned being unhappy with us was just before you were deployed this last time.

  Gerald eyes developed a far-away look. Then he shook his head and focused back on Jennie and said, “What did you say?”

  Watching him, Jennie could tell something was wrong. It was not like Gerald to stop paying attention like that, especially during a serious conversation.

  Jennie repeated her last comment and continued. “We made promises to each other, Gerald. Commitments. We have a son together. He deserves more than just two parents who love him. He deserves a family.”

  “He has a family and he will continue to have a family. Divorce happens all the time when people don’t love each other. People still have families.”

  “I still love you, Gerald. And, if you never really loved me, you never said a word about it until you came home from your TDY where you hooked up with…with her.”

  “I told you. I realized I never really did love you. It’s nothing against you.”

  “When did it happen, Gerald? After you picked up some girl in a bar and started to sleep with her? Is that all it takes? How long do you plan to be with her before you decide to step out on her and fall in love with someone else?”

  “You have no right to talk about her that way. Besides, you and I were separated.”

  Jennie jumped to her feet, clutching her neck in an effort to keep from choking.

  “Separated? Are you out of your mind? We are married, Gerald. We have been since the day of our wedding and we still are. You went away for training, but we never talked about separation as far as our marriage goes. You never asked for a separation. No separation papers were ever filed. It never happened.”

  “In my mind it did.”

  Jennie quivered with anger from head to foot.

  “So, do you think that every time a married couple is apart, it gives them license to step out on their partner? I know there are a lot of people who decide they want a separation and by nighttime they’ve jumped into bed with someone else. They like to think that it’s okay, that they aren’t committing adultery, because they are ‘separated.’ But, that’s just a cop-out, Gerald.”

  Jennie watched Gerald’s face tighten with anger. She knew she should stop, but she was so angry she just kept going.

  “Do you think it would be acceptable for me? What if while you were out on tour or temporary duty, I slept around and maybe got pregnant with someone else’s kid? Would it then be okay for me to tell you it didn’t matter because we were ‘separated’?”

  “It happens,” Gerald mumbled through gritted teeth as he rubbed both his temples with his fingertips, “more often than you might like to think.”

  “It may, but that doesn’t make it right. When you’re married, you’re married. I thought your mother raised you better than that, Gerald.”

  Gerald jumped to his feet. As Jennie watched him clench his hands into fists, for the first time she felt a stab of fear. What if he hit her? He never had before, but with the way he had changed, she now was not so sure of him.

  “You leave my mother out of this.”

  “Your mother is a great lady. It’s her son that has the problem.”

  “This is why you wanted to meet face-to-face, is it, Jennie? So you could verbally beat me up because I see that our marriage is over and I want out? Is it? Well, you’ve had your say, but enough is enough. I’m done, Jennie. I want a divorce. What’s it going to take to convince you?”

  Jennie closed her eyes and she took a deep breath, willing herself to make one last try to reach him.

  “Please, Gerald, please back away from the idea of divorce until you are back home for good. Let’s go to a professional and try to work this out. Then, if that’s what you want, so be it.”

  Gerald issued an exasperated grunt as he twisted his head to pop out a crick in his neck.

  “No. How are we going to pay for this divorce?”

  She had failed, Jennie realized. She wasn’t going to reach his heart and hold him to her, not today.

  “We, as in you and me, aren’t. I don’t want a divorce and I do not have the money for one even if I did.”

  “You have enough money for college, yet here you are trying to tell me you don’t have enough money to get a divorce?”

  “Most of my college money comes from financial aid, Gerald. Plus, my parents help. They’re not going to help me pay for a divorce I don’t want. As it is, they’ve forked over a lot to help me keep my car running.”

  “You’re already getting most of my money, Jennie, you and Garrett.”

  Jennie said nothing, knowing that he had cut her back to the minimum once she moved out of base housing.

  “All right, I will worry about getting the money for the divorce,” said Gerald. “But, please don’t fight me on this, Jennie. As soon as I send it to you, find a lawyer and get things started. Just go on with your life and be happy and let me find my happiness, too.”

  Jennie dropped her gaze to the floor. She was at a loss as far as thinking of anything else she could say to try to persuade Gerald. She was ready to stop fighting. As her adrenaline began to wind down, she felt it being replaced by a deep feeling of sadness.

  “We better go soon,” Gerald said more softly, sensing he had won. “I told Jackson we wouldn’t be more than a half hour. Plus Garrett and Mom are waiting for me in the park.”

  Jennie reached to the back of the chair and moved it in its place under the built-in vanity. She picked up her purse and looked up to find Gerald’s eyes inspecting the room.

  “We did have some good times in this motel, I will grant you that,” Gerald said. “Look, Jennie, I’m not sure what you’re really after, but do you want to do it one last time for old time’s sake? We’re still married, and I wouldn’t mind. Jackson was even kind enough to get a room with a spare bed so we wouldn’t have to use the same sheets.”

  Jennie’s face grew hot and her mouth dropped open. She could not believe what she was hearing. Jennie sidled past Gerald in th
e direction of the door, being careful to not touch him. As she reached for the door handle, she turned back to him, unable to hide the humiliation in her eyes.

  “Here you ask me for a divorce because you love another woman and then you turn around and ask me that? No, Gerald. It’s a loving relationship with a husband I can trust that I want, not just the physical part.”

  “Yeah, that was a stupid thing to say. I’m sorry, Jennie. I don’t know why I said that. I…I don’t know…”

  The last thing Jennie saw before she turned and ran out of the room was Gerald sitting back down on the corner of the bed, rubbing circles in his temples with his fingertips. She fled down the walkway and grabbed the stair rail to keep from falling as the tears welled up in her eyes, making it almost impossible to see where she placed her feet. She avoided eye contact with those coming and going from the motel and the restaurant as she made her way back to her car. All thumbs, she fumbled her key into the ignition. She fought for breath as she draped her arms across the top of the steering wheel and buried her face in them.

  How could Gerald do that? Jennie asked herself. How could he honestly think she would even consider having sex after he demanded a divorce? She felt like he treated her like a prostitute instead of a wife.

  What has happened to you, Gerald?

  Jennie looked up and brushed the tears from her eyes. She had to get out of there. She needed to use the restroom before she started for home, but she would find a place to stop along the road rather than go back into the restaurant. Gerald would be out of the motel room soon if he wasn’t already. She could not let him see her this way.

  As Jennie pulled onto the freeway, she glanced off to the side and saw the park behind the motel. She felt a chill that had nothing to do with the weather and shivered involuntarily. Garrett was in that park with his other grandmother. Soon Gerald would join them.

  In an effort to prove her trust before the debacle in the motel room, she had gone along with Gerald’s request. She was relying on her mother-in-law to watch out for Garrett and to make sure Gerald did the right thing. However, seeing how much influence Gerald had over his mother, Jennie worried that Alice would not be able to stand up to her son if the need arose.

  What if Gerald did something stupid with Garrett? Had she ended up making a pact with the devil?

  Jennie felt bitterness well up inside her so intense she could taste it. Her mother was right. She never should have brought her baby down here. She never should have turned him over to Gerald.

  Jennie almost turned around to drive back to the park and reclaim her son. Then she realized that Gerald was probably already there and would have his mother and Garrett in the car and on their way to her home before Jennie could reach them. Even if she followed them back to her mother-in-law’s house, what then? She knew Gerald would not hand Garrett back to her. If she called the police, Jennie had no way to prove that she had a right to take her son away from his father while Gerald was home from Afghanistan on leave.

  Chapter 18 – Jennie

  It was Thanksgiving Day. Jennie sat in the back of her father’s Highlander as the family traveled to her grandparents’ house in the Natomas area north of Sacramento. She was vaguely aware of her parents chatting in the front seat. Jason sat next to her, his head and earphone cords bobbing as he closed his eyes and rocked his body to music on his iPod that, blessedly, only he could hear.

  That left Jennie staring out the window at the boring sameness of the I-5 freeway divider south of Sacramento. Mostly it contained tan, dead grass, broken up by occasional charred spots caused by summer brush fires which tended to be started by careless drivers who flicked live cigarette butts out their windows. In patches, green blades of grass had started to push their way up, thanks to the rainstorm a few weeks earlier.

  Jennie was unsure how she had kept functioning in the two days since seeing Gerald. The word “depression” did not begin to express how she felt. Along with being incredibly sad over the outcome of her discussion with Gerald, she was worried sick about Garrett.

  Once she had arrived home, she had called Alice only as often as she dared—three calls since she left two days earlier. The first two times Alice had been friendly and assured her Garrett was doing well. She had put Garrett on so Jennie could talk to him. The third time, Gerald had grabbed the telephone from his mother. He ordered Jennie to stop calling. Jennie recalled with a sense of embarrassment how she had sputtered and almost apologized to Gerald, giving him the excuse that this was the first time she had been away from Garrett this long and she was worried about him. He had sharply reminded her that he was away from Garrett for months at a time, but he did not feel the need to call every day to check on him.

  Each time Jennie thought about it, she had felt like screaming at him, you choose to be away from him months at a time! After the second time, it was you who chose to stay in the Army and it has been you who chose to be deployed to Afghanistan time after time. It was you who chose to go away for three months when you were stateside where you met that woman you are so hot over—the one you want instead of me. It is you, not me, who chose to spend Thanksgiving apart. It is you who chooses to break apart our family! I did not choose this and I want my son back!

  But, the only person to whom Jennie spoke those accusations and demands was her own reflection in the bathroom mirror while the shower water ran full-blast and she repeatedly flushed the toilet to mask the sound of her fiercely whispered words.

  Jennie closed her eyes and leaned the side of her head against the glass of the window. Even though she had slept late that morning, she felt tired from being up so late the night before, helping to get The Bedazzled Boutique ready for the Black Friday sales. She slept in, she reminded herself, except for the multitude of times she woke with a desire to check on Garrett, only to remember that he was not there to check on.

  Jennie was not looking forward to the holiday dinner. She suspected that her mother had called to warn her parents and Great-Aunt Pat and Great-Uncle Leon and her Uncle Kenny and his wife Dahlia that Gerald and Garrett would not be coming, offering an edited version of the reason why not. Everyone knew how stupid she had been to let Garrett go with his father. She knew she would have to deal with questioning looks and perhaps outright inquiries from one or more of her three teenage cousins who, typical of their age, did not feel the need to politely refrain from asking embarrassing questions.

  Jennie’s eyes strayed to the tote bag sitting on the floor of the car next to her purse. She smirked to herself. I must be getting old, she thought. I’m carrying around a tote bag like my mother does. Only her mother’s tote bag had a body of red, black and white vertical stripes topped by a cuff with masses of black music notes on a white background. Her mother had picked it up after work one day to hold the sheet music and other paperwork for the Sweet Adelines. Although Christy had insisted she wanted to give it a trial run before she made a commitment to join the singing group, Jennie noted with humor that her mother’s tote also held a pitch pipe that had been recently purchased.

  Jennie’s tote was of a more trendy design in bright splashes of color. In it she had placed everything she needed for the oral interview with her Grandpa Mike. In the center were a few file folders with notes about the different branches of her family. The interview questions for her Grandpa Mike that she had carefully composed stood on end in the side pocket to keep them from wrinkling. In the bottom was the digital recorder that she used to record class lectures.

  Jennie didn’t feel like talking to anyone in her family let alone going through a formal oral interview with her grandfather. What confidence she had felt two weeks earlier was gone. What made her think that she might be the one most able to break through the hard shell that Grandpa Mike had built around his memories? All her self-assurance had dissolved to nothing after her confrontation with Gerald. She had decided to abandon the idea of an oral interview.

  Then, that morning while she sat in the kitchen keeping watch on the a
pple pies in the oven while her mother showered and dressed for the day, her father broke away from the morning football half-time long enough to chat with her. He asked if she was ready for her interview. When she told him she had decided against it, his response had surprised her. Instead of quietly acknowledging her decision as he often did, he made an observation that prompted her to reconsider. Like Gerald, Grandpa Mike had been in combat. If she could persuade her grandfather to tell his story, maybe he could give some insight into what Gerald experienced when he was in Afghanistan. Then, her father had retreated to the living room for the start of the third quarter.

  As Jennie thought about her father’s comment, she realized that her father knew more than he would talk about. It was like it was her mother’s story to tell, but he still knew enough to encourage his daughter to keep digging.

  That was why everything Jennie had prepared the previous weekend for the oral interview was packed in the tote. She could keep it out of everyone’s way, but handy should the right time to approach her grandfather occur.

  After driving up and back on the block where her grandparents lived, Jennie’s dad finally found a parking space that suited the car and was not too far away from the house. Jennie gave the mostly two-story homes on the street an appreciative glance. Her grandparents in recent years had moved into the newer subdivision just before her grandfather had retired after working a mid-level management position in the Sacramento District office for the Postal Service. The houses were nice, but what they gained in square footage, they lost in lot size. Grandpa Mike said he liked it that way because the neighbors, mostly professionals, were away from home most of the day, which meant that the neighborhood was quiet. The yard was small and easy to maintain.

  However, the street parking on holidays could be challenging.