Orgasms for Two

by Betty Dodson

  For couples using condoms, you must use a water-based lube in order not to break down the latex. There are a number of brands to choose from, so try several and make your own choice. The latest technology is a silicone lube called Eros, but I’m not sure how safe it is. In my opinion, the jury is still out on the long-term effects of liquid silicone inside the body. I like the thicker Probe, which has a citrus preservative. When a water-based lube gets sticky, you can bring the slippery consistency back by using a few drops of water or saliva. When it gets too thin add more lube. Some women have an allergic reaction to water-based lubes and latex.

  For ten years I was a member of the advisory board for Xandria, one of the largest distributors of sex toys. They did a survey titled “Toys in the Sheets” about who was buying from their catalog. Contrary to the myth that sex toys are kinky fetishes for people living on the sexual fringe, the survey showed that the majority of people who used them are Middle Americans. Xandria’s typical sex-toy user was a married, monogamous, college-educated, white, Christian woman in her thirties who voted Republican. She had children at home and a family income greater than $40,000 a year. There was an enormous range of people using sex toys and nearly half were men. They included every race, religion (except Muslim), income bracket, and age group from teens to seniors. Once I saw that only 9 percent of the buyers used sex toys during partner sex, I knew the next direction my work had to take.

  Today I keep a big silver trunk in my living room full of every imaginable sex toy available. It makes a great conversation piece whenever I open it up and show the contents to friends or clients. We then spend some time going through my treasure chest while I do show-and-tell about the variety of grown-up toys that are available. I’ve got all the expensive Japanese vibrators with little animals on the side. They all run off batteries with varying speeds. Some toys are vibrating eggs that fit inside the vagina and can be remotely controlled by a lover. There is a double dildo that can be used by two women, two men, or a man and a woman. I’ll give you a moment to figure that one out.

  The buttplugs go from small to quite large and some vibrate. There are several latex beads of varying sizes strung together that are slowly pulled out of a buttyhole just as a person is coming. There are cockrings made of leather, plastic, rubber, and metal that some men wear to enhance erections and others wear because they look good. There is a penis pump. I’ve got satin blindfolds, soft restraints, and a set of Sport Sheets that have Velcro bondage built into the sheet. There are cute little string whips and a very expensive large one made from strips of soft suede that makes a wonderful sound but doesn’t deliver intense pain. All of this is in addition to at least a dozen Magic Wands. There’s a box of little Water Dancers, a box of batteries, several dozen Betty’s Barbells, and lots of Charlie Sunshine massage oil. When it comes to bringing a last-minute gift, I never have a problem.

  We all know how confusing it can be to buy a sex toy from a website with a huge selection of different items. Pardon my commercial, but if you want to keep it simple, be sure to visit my website, where I have a handful of products that have been personally tested and selected by me, along with my erotic sex education videos and books. I’m also linked to my favorite on-line stores with every conceivable sex toy plus novelty items. Life is much too short to deprive yourself of another moment of the additional pleasures and earthly delights that are just a click away.

  While I am constantly recommending the use of lubricants for sex, I also make sure clients and visitors to my website know that manual sex alone or assisting your partner during masturbation is far more sensuous with massage oil than with a water-based lube. The only time I recommend using a water-based lube is when condoms are involved. I fully understand and support the importance of condoms for safer sex while dating. However, once a couple is monogamous and the woman is using some other kind of birth control or postmenopausal, they can embrace the sensuality of naked, wet sex using a massage oil. When I think of all the young couples who are monogamous and still using condoms and water-based lube, it breaks my heart. When I think of all the Viagra-fueled erections plunging into thousands of postmenopausal vaginas without massage oil, I could cry.

  Although I’ve always advised against using petroleum-based lubes, if you’ve been using Vaseline for masturbation, don’t worry, your clit or dick won’t drop off. My main objection to Vaseline is that it’s a slow drag rather than a slippery slide. Any nut or vegetable oil is far more sensuous.

  Many of my friends and I fucked our way through the sexual revolution of the sixties dipping into big pink cans of Albolene that had petroleum listed in the ingredients. Most of my girlfriends were on the pill. At the time, I was wearing a diaphragm lined with a spermicidal jelly containing nonoxynol-9, which killed off invading bacteria. While enjoying multiple partners I never had an STD and my diaphragm remained intact. In the seventies I switched over to an almond massage oil that was based on Edgar Casey’s formula. Again my nonoxynol-9-lined diaphragm didn’t deteriorate and I remained disease free. Today I’m using Charlie Sunshine’s unscented massage oil, which is made from food-grade vegetable oils. That means you can suck a clit or a cock that’s covered with this oil and there’s no bad taste. Vaginal or anal penetration with fingers, dildos, or penises is always more delicious with a clean vegetable or nut oil for couples who are monogamous or fluid-bonded.

  10

  ORGASMS FOR TWO

  Intercourse with Clitoral Stimulation

  When my therapist told me I had to work at making my marriage work, I hated the idea. If I had married the right man, everything, including our sex life, would have fallen into place for the happily-ever-after part. Or so I’d been raised to believe. Instead of growing up on the stuff of fairy tales, I would have been better off hearing the truth: Relationships don’t work and life isn’t fair. Once a couple accepts this reality, they can agree to sit down and discuss what they can do to make their partnership work. Along with maintaining ongoing negotiations to deal with life’s changes, another important element in diffusing the natural conflict that exists in every partnership is a couple’s ability to enjoy orgasms for two.

  If there were ever healing moments that are universal, I believe it’s the tender feelings couples have for each other after sharing orgasmic sex. As they lie together in each other’s arms, they are filled with gratitude for the pleasure that lingers in their bodies, renewing their appreciation for each other. Genuinely liking our partners and showing it with an abundance of affection will last far beyond the short shelf life of all those idealized versions of romantic love combined.

  Learning how to share orgasms involves skills that must be learned and then practiced. Let me make an analogy between orgasmic partner sex and ballroom dance. Without any instruction, a couple will stand on the dance floor and move from side to side in one place with little style or grace. The tango is a hot, gorgeous dance everyone loves to watch and fantasize about doing, but its sizzle comes only with training. We would never expect a couple to be able to tango together “naturally” just because they are in love. At some point they need someone to show them a few basic steps.

  Continuing the dance analogy, in traditional ballroom dancing, the man leads, but in partner sex, they can agree to take turns. The point is that who leads, who follows, and when to take turns is determined beforehand. When a man leads he learns how to place his arms and hands to signal his partner with subtle pressure before he makes a move. She learns to read his signals and easily follows him. The music determines the rhythm. They also know in advance whether they will be doing the salsa or western line dancing. Once they learn the basic moves their confidence allows them to be carried away by the joy of moving together with the music.

  Similar to choosing a style of dance, it’s best to experiment with different sexual positions in order to discover the ones you both like. Make sure the position includes the woman’s choice for the kind of clitoral contact she prefers. She might want it from her hand, a
battery-operated vibrator, or an electric vibrator. If she can climax from indirect clitoral stimulation, again certain positions will be better for her. For those couples who prefer having the man doing the clitoral touching, the woman will need to give directions until he becomes familiar with her pattern of masturbation.

  If a woman wants to introduce something new to her lover, it’s not a good idea to discuss it right before having sex. A client who had learned how to come with a vibrator went into great detail about how she wanted to use it during partner sex while her lover was lying there with a hard on lusting for an orgasm. He was so frustrated that he barely heard a word she said. Once he came, they were able to talk about what she wanted to try with him. Several hours later they had sex again. This time they were both ecstatic when she had a huge orgasm using the vibrator while they were fucking.

  Some of my fondest memories are the times I’ve had in-depth conversations with a lover after we’ve shared orgasms. When one of us did something that was a little different and we both enjoyed the sensation it created, going over it when the details are still fresh means we can refine our moves to make it even better the next time. Affectionate hugging and kissing, manual or oral sex, slow penetration, the erotic dance itself, and cuddling afterward—it’s worth spending an hour or more to enjoy mutually orgasmic partner sex. A four-hour weekend afternoon is still one of my favorites.

  The positions that work best will depend on the couple’s age, body type, and range of motion. A good approach is to be playful, creative, and experimental while both of you talk freely. One important requirement of any position is that it be comfortable. When fatigue sets in, something hurts, or a muscle is strained, the sexual buildup for either a man or woman will inevitably get derailed. Some of the following positions will work equally well for lesbians who are into strapping on a dildo.

  MAN ON TOP

  The good old missionary position is what most people think of as “normal” sex. As long as I’m not required to have my orgasm this way, I can enjoy the warm-up stage of partner sex reclining on my back while he massages my genitals. Once he’s fully erect, shallow penetration is erotic, especially when he teases me by moving just the head of his penis in and out at the opening of my vagina, building my level of desire for deeper penetration. When a man leans forward on his arms to penetrate deeper there is still enough room for a woman to reach down and do her clitoris with fingers or a small battery-operated vibrator. When a couple is belly to belly in the man-on-top position, a few women get indirect clitoral stimulation and can climax by grinding up against their partner’s body.

  One couple I worked with liked a hard-pounding fuck because they had never known anything else. They both believed she should be able to come from his penis in the missionary position. We have seen this style of sex ad nauseam for the past thirty years in movies and porn. Although her clitoris was getting indirectly stimulated every time he banged into her body, it was not enough for her to come consistently. Once she was able to add her own clitoral stimulation and they slowed down, more subtle erotic sensations emerged. He still moves faster just before he has his orgasm, but she discovered it was best when she slowed down right in front of hers.

  When a man does oral sex as foreplay and then climbs on top to fuck a woman hard and fast, I call this old-fashioned sex. I believe the coital imperative with vigorous thrusting stems from our culture’s lack of sexual skills and knowledge about making direct contact with the clitoris during intercourse. For some men the fast friction fuck is a continuation of a childhood masturbation pattern. A few guys are sadistic and enjoy using their penis as a weapon, as if they’re trying to pierce through the woman in an egotistical display of masculine power.

  In some X-rated videos we often see men pushing a woman’s legs back over her head to get more access to her pussy. Although it makes a good camera shot, she’s literally pinned down. If not being able to move turns a woman on, then there’s no problem. But many women find this position uncomfortable to hold for any length of time. An alternative would be a woman wrapping her legs around a man’s back and locking them together by crossing her ankles. When I do this position it’s like visiting an old friend. It’s fun as long as I know I don’t have to have my orgasm this way.

  WOMAN ON TOP

  Women who can climax from indirect clitoral stimulation often say getting on top is the best position for them. In my early twenties I discovered that I, too, could climax more consistently on top. One summer when I was home visiting my family in Kansas, I had just started a new affair. He was home from college, too, visiting his folks, so neither of us had any privacy. We had a lot of sex in the backseat of his car parked in a wheat field. The most comfortable position was when I sat on top of him, pressing my clitoris into his body each time I thrust my hips forward. The first time I saw the word “autoerotic” I thought it meant having sex in a car.

  When casual sex was abundant in the sixties and seventies, I challenged the sexual double standard by breaking free from the old rules about appropriate sexual behavior for women. Men were encouraged to be sexually assertive while I was supposed to be passive. They could have multiple partners while I had to choose one man. No longer blinded by romantic love and as a sexual feminist in rebellion, I gave myself permission to claim the same sexual freedom that successful bachelors enjoyed. No wonder so many men adore sport fucking. It was exciting, and even if the sex wasn’t that good, I learned something new about human sexuality and myself each time.

  One important discovery was realizing that as long as the man controlled how we had sex, I was dependent on his technique. But if I got on top, ran the fuck, and did my own clitoral stimulation, casual partner sex was more enjoyable. Being on top made it possible for me to oil both of our genitals to get the slippery sensuous feeling and do slow penetration. When he tried to push inside too deep, I controlled the depth of his thrusting by raising my hips. I could also establish a nice, leisurely motion to slow down those men who thought faster and harder was good sex. Most guys were grateful when I stated or demonstrated my sexual preferences and took control of my clitoral stimulation. A few were threatened, and occasionally a guy would get angry, but it was never a problem because there was always safety in numbers at sex parties.

  The female superior position also makes it easy for a man to use his fingers or thumb for clitoral stimulation. Or she can easily use her fingers or a battery-operated or electric vibrator on her clitoris during intercourse while using her leg muscles to move up and down on his penis. Since she’ll be sitting in full view, she can’t be self-conscious about the appearance of her body. Women who don’t like the way their breasts or bellies look can wear sexy lingerie. Believe me, most men could care less about how a woman’s belly looks while she’s vibrating on his dick. He will be too busy loving the intensity of her authentic turn-on as she rides him all the way to orgasm.

  RIGHT ANGLE POSITION

  This is a very comfortable position for both the woman and man. She lies on her back with her knees bent while he is lying on his side with his body at a ninety-degree angle to hers. The leg positions will vary among couples, but usually she has one leg under his and the other one over him. Either the man or woman can provide manual clitoral stimulation while they’re fucking. It’s also perfect if she wants to use the wand-type vibrator with longer handles. He can easily reach her breasts for massage or nipple play. They can also see each other’s faces and bodies and both have complete freedom to move their pelvises with ease.

  This will always be one of my favorite positions since it’s how I first experienced my clitoris being touched during intercourse. I’ll never forget the sexual charge that surged through my body when Grant lightly fluttered his fingers on my clit while he slowly glided his hard cock in and out of my eager cunt. The sensation was incredible as I climbed higher and higher, sucking in air until I wailed as my body convulsed with the biggest orgasm I’d ever experienced. It was even better when I took control of my own c
litoral stimulation, because now I could slow down or speed up according to what I wanted and needed for my orgasm.

  Another position we loved when my bed was about fourteen inches off the floor was when I was lying on my back with Grant kneeling on the floor at the edge of the bed. I could let my folded legs relax and fall open. Either of us could easily do manual clit stim while fucking and watching each other’s bodies respond to pleasure. Many beds today need a small ladder to climb up into. When a bed is high off the floor, I can lay my upper body over the edge and enjoy vaginal penetration from behind. For the most part, a futon on the floor saw the most sexual action in my apartment until the end of the nineties, when I returned to using my bed, which is now twenty-four inches off the floor.

  LEG UP SIDE POSITION

  I thought of calling this “The Horizontal Flamingo” after the bird that stands on one leg. This position is very good with a wand vibrator. The woman is lying on her side with her top leg pulled up toward her chest enough to expose her genitals. She rests her top leg on a pillow or two. The bottom leg is stretched out straight between his legs as he kneels on the bed with his body upright. The Magic Wand vibrator can be placed in between the supporting pillows. This requires some experimentation to find the best position and angle for the vibrator relative to the height of the pillows. The man will primarily be using his thigh muscles in this position to slowly thrust into her vagina, so he will need to have some degree of leg strength.