Orgasms for Two

by Betty Dodson

  Instead of looking for her special G-spot and digging at it with rapid in and out friction like a jackhammer, just press your fingers up toward the ceiling of her vagina and make wavelike motions while you stay with her clitty. Women are faking guys out right and left with this business of female ejaculation. Don’t use the volume or the repeated number of her squirts as a sign that you’ve made her come really hard. A lot of women can shoot diluted urine that doesn’t taste or smell like urine and they’re not sexually aroused at all. If golden showers turn both of you on, then that’s great. Go for it.

  On her final approach to orgasm, there’s a natural tendency to get excited and intensify whatever it is you’re doing. Speeding up or changing the stimulation usually throws a woman off track. Keep things steady and consistent all the way through to orgasm. Both women and men can be uncomfortably hypersensitive just after an orgasm. As her come subsides, lighten your touch for a few moments but stay with her. She might want to keep going and have another climax.

  SLOW PENETRATION

  This is one of the most neglected of all sexual skills. Plunging thoughtlessly inside a vagina is the result of sexual repression and deprivation. A friend of mine admitted that when he got close to a vaginal opening, he feared that if he didn’t get his penis inside fast, the woman would change her mind and the whole deal would be off. Another fear is losing an erection. Some men feel they have to penetrate fast before their penis goes soft. How many movies have we seen where the hero mounts a woman and within seconds he’s in full thrusting mode.

  It’s important to warm every woman up with clitoral stimulation before entering her vagina. To see if she’s ready, place the pad of your finger at her vaginal opening. Apply just a slight bit of pressure to feel if she’s moist or wet. If she feels dry, add more lubrication and continue with small circles or light stroking going back to her clitoris while occasionally dipping down toward the vaginal opening. As you feel her vaginal muscle relaxing, press inside slowly. Go just an inch at a time, feeling the soft folds of her vagina making room for your finger. When you are inside, hold still a moment so she can fully relax. Then slowly circle your finger or make wavelike motions. After a few moments, pull your finger out and go back to her clitoris.

  Choose a position that will allow you or her to continue clitoral stimulation while you’re fucking. With your cock poised at her vaginal opening, enter her vagina with your penis the same as with your finger, bit by bit. Once again, be a tease by holding back and making her want more of you inside. Most of her penetration sensation is at the opening of the vagina. If she’s getting the combination of clitoral stimulation during penetration, she’ll feel more if you go slowly while both of you use your PC muscles to enhance every stroke.

  No one style of clitoral touch will work for all women. Again, it will be your ability to discuss this with each girlfriend to find out what she likes that will make you a memorable lover. If you’re dating a woman who says, “Oh, everything you do is wonderful,” don’t believe her for one minute. She is trying to make you think you are God’s gift to womankind to get you to fall in love with her. Get smart and don’t buy into this kind of false flattery.

  Penetrating a pussy is a major initiation ritual to qualify as a man, but it’s seldom done sensuously enough to create any pleasure for a young woman. The pain and disappointment of first-time partner sex is so common that it’s chalked up as an unfortunate inevitability of womanhood. Is it any wonder why so many young women don’t look forward to having intercourse again? A similar problem exists for young men. If first-time partner sex ends with premature ejaculation, or he can’t penetrate her because of her hymen, he can feel humiliated.

  Many young girls lose their virginity when they learn to use a tampon. One client told me she had a very tough hymen that needed to be opened surgically. Women like myself, who were physically active and sexually curious, have no memory of having to stretch our hymens because it happened so gradually. The best approach would be for a young woman to be the first person to penetrate her own vagina.

  Eric has been with quite a few women experiencing penetration sex for the first time. He begins by spending at least ten minutes leisurely stroking the woman’s entire vulva using massage oil. This lets her know his touch will be gentle and she can relax a bit more. His hands pass over her clitoris—without focusing on it—with the intention of getting her hot. Instead, he lets her sexual desire build slowly. Once he feels she trusts him and is getting comfortable, he shifts over to oral sex. While rolling his tongue over her clitoris, he slowly eases one finger inside her now moist vagina. Adding a second finger helps to prepare her for the girth of a penis. If she has an orgasm with oral sex, this makes penetration with his penis even easier.

  Depending upon the woman, he uses a position that allows her to have clitoral stimulation during penetration provided by either him or her. If she feels comfortable with the idea, it’s effective for a penetration virgin to control the entire process by getting on top. After putting on a condom, he applies some water-based lube to his dick and her vagina. He starts with shallow penetration using just the head of his penis. While pushing in very slightly, he encourages her to squeeze and release her vaginal muscle. This helps her to relax the muscle and allows him to move inside little by little with minimal discomfort. When first-time partner sex is pleasurable (without any concern of STDs or pregnancy) women invariably want more.

  For every Sleeping Beauty created through female repression there is a sexually uninformed Prince Charming under a lot of pressure to awaken her. A man’s conditioning to give a woman an orgasm is the counterpart to a woman’s conditioning to be passive. When you base your self-esteem on being the only legitimate source of her sexual pleasure, you unknowingly set up one of the biggest barriers to becoming a world-class lover. Encouraging your girlfriend or wife to be part of the sexual dance by taking control of her own clitoral stimulation is the biggest step any man can take toward creating sexual equality.

  For those of us who like sex, there’s nothing better than a skilled lover. However, all kinds of physical touching—like affectionate hugging and kissing—are every bit as important as having an orgasm to most women. Also, don’t hold back on dishing out lots of sweet talk and showing her how much you care for her every day. Each woman’s positive response will more than compensate any man who does this. Remember, what goes around comes around, especially when it comes to sharing orgasmic partner sex.

  12

  I’LL SHOW YOU MINE

  Our Magnificent Sex Organs

  Throughout history, the human genitals have been feared, worshiped, mutilated, ignored, and admired. There are many historical examples of male phalluses and female vulvas being honored as symbols of fertility. Pre-Columbian statues showed a baby’s head emerging from a vagina. Huge penises still stand in Japanese temples. Ancient India held both male and female sex organs in high esteem and sexuality was seen as a spiritual practice in the Tantra religion. Older cultures based on goddess worship and pagan rituals that were not part of recorded history also revered the human sex organs. The nude body and genitals of both women and men have been the subject of art from as far back as the Stone Age. However, none of these relics depicted the clitoris—none.

  In ancient Greece, artists carved exquisite male statues with penises, but when it came to women’s genitals, they were represented with a triangular shape or draped with a cloth. During the Italian Renaissance, artists painted sensuous nudes using religious themes from the Bible. One of the later popes had all of Michelangelo’s male genitals covered with leaves or loincloths, and many Greek statues had their genitals broken off. As Christianity continued to denounce all bodily pleasures, the human sex organs became a source of shame, from which many of us still suffer to this day.

  In spite of organized religion’s efforts to control people and their sexual urges, we now have a billion-dollar adult industry pumping out images of women and men’s genitals in videos and magazines.
From the early eight-millimeter stag movies to the sixties split beaver magazines, there was always a variety of genital styles and body types. Today, the adult industry’s standard image of sexual desirability favors a thin female body with big tits, long legs, and neatly shaved pussies with small inner lips. Women are getting breast implants and snipping off those lovely long butterfly labia to conform to this current ideal. Most of the male actors have muscular bodies and large dicks. The sex industry is no different from the advertising and fashion industries which present a stereotype of beauty that few of us can attain.

  MINE

  When I first looked at my sex organ with a mirror, I must have been around ten years old. Without a name or any images for the inner labia, I was horrified when I saw two awful dangling chicken wattles that didn’t even match. The one on the right side was a lot longer than the one on the left. Clearly I’d stretched them from playing with myself too much. Rather than give up this solitary pleasure, from that day on I started masturbating with my finger on the left side to see if I could even them up, but they stayed the same. Until I was thirty-five, I honestly believed I was genitally deformed from the innocent act of childhood masturbation.

  THE EXTERNAL MALE AND FEMALE GENITALIA. Here we see the similarities between the outer parts of the male and female sex organs. The external genitals of both sexes arise at a common site and during the first seven weeks of life they are undifferentiated. The clitoral glans enlarges to become the glans penis. The shaft of the clitoris elongates to become the shaft of the penis. The outer lips turn into the male scrotum. Viva la similarities as well as the differences.

  It wasn’t until I saw pictures of other women’s genitals in girlie magazines that I began to realize the huge variety of shapes, colors, textures, and forms of female genitals that included short, medium, and long inner lips. My sex life was so totally transformed by that one experience that I would eventually create genital imagery and teach thousands of other women that we are all different and beautiful works of art.

  After setting up an evening of photographing a group of my friends’ vulvas in the seventies, I traveled around the country with a carousel of female genital slides, showing them to women and mixed groups at colleges as well as feminist gatherings. Audiences everywhere would become completely silent with their mouths hanging open while I talked lovingly about Valentine Cunts. Showing one slide after another, I compared the different genital styles to periods of architecture like Gothic, Renaissance, Art Deco, and Swedish Modern. Although I acted very matter-of-fact, I was shaking with fear inside, fully aware that I was showing forbidden images. A few people present might have seen a photo or looked at a woman’s genitals, but most were viewing this image for the first time.

  After I stopped showing the slides, I continued to sit alongside countless women pointing out the exquisite design of their vulvas in my Bodysex groups. As a result of taking one of my workshops and feeling good about their genitals, women have told me that they put a small photo of their vulva in a locket to wear around their necks. Others have taken portraits of their pussies and made them into valentines for a lover. A few women reclaimed their genitals by wearing gold or silver rings in one or both inner lips. I had a portrait of my cunt carved into a jade pendent that I wore on a silver chain around my neck for years. In the nineties, to celebrate twenty-five years of female genital appreciation, I produced the videotape Viva la Vulva, which shows a group of ten women trimming and shaving their pubic hair in preparation for pussy portraits.

  Since I began my cunt crusade in the seventies, an abundance of genital art and images have appeared. Yet each new generation of women start out with genital shame. To get beyond the procreation image of heterosexuality and factor in genital pride and sexual pleasure, mothers have to stop telling their children that boys have a penis and girls have a vagina. Instead, our children need to be told that boys have a penis and girls have a clitoris. When a boy touches his penis or a girl touches her clitoris in a special way, both of them will feel nice tingly sensations. Later, when children get a bit older, they also need to be told that a boy’s penis will ejaculate white semen and a girl’s vagina will pass red blood—before it actually happens. It isn’t fair that many children end up traumatized by these totally natural occurrences that should be cause for celebration.

  In 1981 a group of women self-helpers in L.A. finally gave us a description of the entire clitoris in A New View of a Woman’s Body. Ten women who were part of the Federation of Feminist Women’s Health Centers conducted the research. Originally published by Simon & Schuster, the book seemed to vanish after a year. Many years later, the book reappeared, and this time it was distributed by the Women’s Health Centers themselves. Rebecca Chalker, a member of the original collective, is now part of my women’s sexual study group. We are all in the field of sex and meet every month to discuss a variety of topics and share sex information. Rebecca’s latest book is titled The Clitoral Truth.

  In every workshop I ran, I always pointed out the shaft, glans, and hood of the clitoris, presenting a limited view. Thanks to the illustrations in A New View, I finally understood what defines the clitoris in its entirety. That tiny little pearl peeking out from under the hood is not the whole story. The internal structure of the clitoris is made up of the legs, bulbs, and urethral sponge. These interior parts are erectile tissue that becomes engorged with blood during sexual arousal—the same process that causes a penis to become erect. Without this basic knowledge, its no wonder so many women believe their sex organ is their vagina. A woman’s erectile tissue occupies nearly the same amount of space as a man’s, except most of ours are inside our bodies.

  The shaft of the clitoris divides into two parts that spread out like a wishbone called the crura, or the legs of the clitoris. These two anchoring wingtips of erectile tissue are about three inches long. Starting from where the shaft and the legs meet, and continuing down underneath the inner lips, there are two bundles of erectile tissue called the bulbs of the clitoris. The whole clitoris is the glans, hood, shaft, legs, and vestibular bulbs—these organs are there solely for sexual pleasure. In A New View, the women include the inner lips, the urethral sponge, and the perineal sponge as parts of the clitoris because they engorge during sexual arousal, contributing to women’s sexual pleasure.

  It’s not just the poor and uneducated who are sexually ignorant. A letter from a forty-seven-year-old Ph.D. school psychologist said she is from a repressed family of four sisters. They had all spent most of their energies being “A” students in life’s endeavors. Unfortunately, she has to give all four of them a D- for knowledge and appreciation of themselves. In the past four months, she finally discovered that rubbing her clitoris feels good! Although she is “developmentally delayed sexually” she is defiantly enjoying these new discoveries, both with herself and her husband. She sent one of her sisters a copy of my book and a small battery-operated vibrator for her birthday to begin a new era for her family of women.

  Another letter, this one from a twenty-one-year-old college student who performed in The Vagina Monologues at school, said that after having sex with three different men who failed to give her an orgasm, she didn’t know where to start. She was sorry to hear I no longer ran “vagina workshops.” That’s been my criticism about the Monologues all along—the play doesn’t sexually inform women but rather perpetuates the myth that the vagina is a woman’s sex organ. No wonder women continue to think they should be able to have an orgasm from intercourse alone.

  The first time I saw The Vagina Monologues was off-Broadway, where I heard a charming young woman named Eve Ensler talk about my work with a distorted view of what I’d been doing for twenty-five years. She called it “The Vagina Workshop” and said there was actually a woman who ran these groups. She described the workshops’ participants looking at their “vaginas” with a hand mirror trying to find their “G-spots.” The entire monologue grossly misrepresented my workshops. Although Eve is a playwright and entitled to
use poetic license, I had to confront her about not mentioning the word “clitoris” in describing my groups. As a matter of fact, the word “clitoris” was never mentioned during her entire original play. Later, in her dressing room, I said my workshops had been carefully designed to help women find the real source of their sexual stimulation—the clitoris. To her credit, Ensler later added “clitoris.”

  In February 1998, The Vagina Monologues joined forces with the Ms. Foundation with a benefit performance celebrating V-Day. By February 2001, they had corporate sponsorship and filled Madison Square Garden for another fund-raiser. The women reading the monologues were culled from the biggest names in screen and television. Both nights made it clear that the format of the original play had dramatically changed. We were brought to a delirious high during the first half only to be plunged down, drowning in a sea filled with the horrors of violence against women. We were told about the vast numbers of women being raped, tortured, and genitally mutilated in Africa, Bosnia, and Afghanistan. V no longer stood for vagina, it stood for violence.

  Sex and violence, never sex and pleasure. Talking about sexual pleasure would be too frivolous, inappropriate, and politically incorrect. And who is to blame for all the sexual violence against women? According to V-Day feminists it is still the patriarchy. Does that mean daddy, our brothers, and our husbands? Is it the pope or God? Dare I be so bold as to say the source of violence against women comes from fundamentalists in all the major religions—Christians, Jews, Hindus, and Muslims?

  CROSS SECTION OF THE MALE GENITALS. Although it is usually assumed that men have a far greater volume of erectile tissue than women, who have only a small, pea-like clit, when we compare the amount of erectile tissue in men and women it is actually similar. The shaded areas show the erectile tissue of the penis: The penile glans, the (corps) corpus cavernosum, and the corpus spongeosum. The prostate gland also swells during sexual excitement. The testicles are where the sperm cells are manufactured. When the sperm matures, it passes from the testicle to the epididymis and into the vas deferens. On the way to ejaculation, the sperm are mixed with fluids from the seminal vesicles, prostate gland, and Cowper’s gland to create semen. This mixture protects the billions of sperm as they travel inside a naturally acidic vagina heading for the fertile egg.