Orgasms for Two

by Betty Dodson

  CROSS SECTION OF THE FEMALE GENITALS. The shaded areas show the erectile tissue in the female: The glans of the clitoris and the clitoral shaft, the legs of the clitoris, the vestibular bulb, and the urethral and perineal sponges all become engorged during sexual arousal. The inner and outer lips become fuller and deepen in color with sexual excitement. The eggs are matured in the ovaries. In the middle of a woman’s menstrual cycle, an egg travels down the fallopian tube into the uterus, waiting to be fertilized by a sperm cell for up to four days. Unless pregnancy occurs, the uterus bleeds out the lining (endometrium) every month to repeat the cycle again until a woman reaches menopause.

  After writing a critical review of the Monologues, which had become another sacred cow, I was told by one of the organizers that I suffered from the “Queen Bee Syndrome.” One writer accused me of being jealous of Eve’s success. It’s my belief that all art is open to criticism in a democracy. It’s no secret that I’m pissed off at all the matriarchal feminists who are every bit as authoritarian as any patriarchy when it comes to women embracing sexual pleasure. The original play was humorous and charming and women left feeling happy to be women, but the V-Day version had me agreeing with Camille Paglia when she wrote: “With her obsession with male evil and her claimed history of physical abuse and mental breakdowns, Ensler is the new Andrea Dworkin, minus Medusan hair and rumpled farm overalls.”

  My friend Penny Arcade is a performance artist with a political awareness similar to George Carlin’s. At one point she tells her audience, “I hope you’re not here to see The Vagina Monologues, because my vagina does not speak, nor does it have a favorite color, nor does it wear a funny hat.” She says younger women howl with laughter, but the older set doesn’t see that the sexual content of the Monologues is just so much fluff.

  Right here at home, everyone gets a piece of our pussies, but they rarely belong to the woman herself. First, our genitals belong to our mothers, who bathe us and change our diapers when we are infants. Then they are controlled by whatever religion is practiced in the home, usually with a mild or strong message about not touching ourselves “down there.” Next we fall into romantic love and our first boyfriend explores our genitals before we even know anything about the form or function of our own sex organ. Later, we give them to the man we marry and finally hand them over to a gynecologist/obstetrician, where the cycle starts all over again for the next generation of women.

  Here’s an example of a woman from the Genital Art Forum on my website who has claimed her own sex organ:

  I prefer the word “cunt” because it sounds strong, even a little fierce. It’s like that ancient Celtic female symbol often carved of stone showing a woman spreading her labia wide enough to take in the whole world. That’s how I feel when my clit gets a hard on. I can actually grab it with the tips of my fingers and move it up and down like a tiny penis. I feel more affectionate toward my labia these days. When they puff up they look like stage curtains drawing apart to present the opening act of the evening: “Please welcome Miss-s-s-s-s Clitty!” In my youth I was obsessed with the fact that my long labia never resembled any of those uniform airbrushed slits I’d seen in men’s magazines. Where were their inner lips? Did they tuck them inside? Eventually I saw more images of cunts that revealed an amazing diversity. They are as different from one another as an iris is from a rose from an orchid.

  YOURS

  Far too many men are overly concerned with the size of their dicks instead of focusing on mastering sexual skills to become great lovers. Although it has been said, “It’s not the size of the fish but the motion of the ocean,” I believe penis size matters to a degree. For those women and men who prefer a large penis, there’s no reason to make them feel badly about their sexual preference. However, according to the thousands of women I’ve talked with, most of them are more interested in what surrounds the penis—the whole man. Getting fucked by a giant, rock-hard cock that shoots a huge load of semen is a man’s fantasy of male sexual prowess, not a woman’s.

  While some experts claim a vagina is a collapsed space that will accommodate any size penis, I disagree. My own vaginal barrel is around six inches deep, so I have a problem if a man’s penis is too big. Then I know it can hurt and I’m unable to relax and move freely. Small doesn’t matter that much because even a finger inside my vagina feels good with the right rhythm and movement. Besides, like most women, I can’t come from penis/vagina sex, so I’m more interested in what’s happening to my clit.

  Some penises I have enjoyed with clit stim over the years are: a five-and-one-half inch, curved, lavender-colored, uncut cock; a big, thick, black dick that was a whopping nine inches, which meant I had to negotiate the last couple of inches; a five-inch, short but very fat, circumcised Jewish dick; a nice six-and-a-half-inch Dutch dick with an enormous vein running down the shaft; and Eric’s seven-inch peter that currently has me “dick addicted.” He actually thought his penis was on the small size from watching porn, but it’s a bit too big to do deep penetration unless I’m in a high state of arousal. Men need to stop comparing their dick size to those of porn actors who are chosen almost solely because they have huge cocks. And who is choosing those large dicks? Other men, of course. My friend Richard Pacheco is the only porn star I know of with an average-size penis, and he has retired from the business.

  Not long ago I went to a website that promised to increase the size of a man’s penis, but never said how to other than through some form of exercise. Listen to your aunt Betty. I wasn’t about to pay for their information; besides, I already knew the exercise would most likely be regular masturbation. As yet, science has not developed a successful way to enlarge a penis. The vacuum pumps will increase penis size temporarily. Similar to masturbation, pumping up your dick is an exercise that expands the corpus cavernosum and spongiosum so they can take in more blood, which is what causes an erection. It’s the “use it or lose it” principle.

  The best way to exercise your penis is to masturbate to orgasm frequently. Be sure to use massage oil, especially if you are circumcised. In the process, you can also train yourself to have come control, which is more important to women than dick size. Men also need to tune into their pelvic floor muscle. A friend of mine who acted in porn showed me the strength of his PC muscle. When I put my finger inside his buttyhole it was caught in a viselike grip. He explained most guys in porn develop a strong PC muscle to help them get it up and keep it up. Every time you masturbate to orgasm, you are pumping blood into your penis and using the surrounding muscles.

  Penis worship is alive and well in the gay men’s community, but heterosexual men also worship penis size. They just don’t do it openly. They tease each other about having small dicks and that generates a lot of unnecessary sexual insecurity in men who are already uneasy about sexuality. Here is an example from a twenty-three-year-old man:

  My penis is just five inches long. I have never had intercourse. I would like to try it but I’m worried about the length of my penis. I’m afraid the girl will complain that it is too short since my friends tell me it is. Sometime I feel embarrassed showing my penis when I get naked in the gym to shower. Betty, is it important to have a long penis? Is my penis length normal? Does every girl and woman out there prefer a long penis and is there any way I can make mine longer?

  The average-size penis is said to be between five and a half and six inches. So according to statistics, he’s short by only half an inch. But he might have a five-inch fat sausage that many women would love. Due to popular request, sex shops started stocking short, fat dildos for their women clients. Instead of worrying about penis size, he would do well to educate himself about female sexuality. The biggest dick in the world will not stimulate a woman’s clitoris. When I hear from a man who has an even smaller penis (in the three- to four-inch category erect) I advise him to pretend his tongue has taken up jogging and get a reputation for giving great head instead of feeling sorry for himself. He can become a world-class cunt sucker who will hav
e women standing in line waiting to be next.

  The Kama Sutra and Native Americans compared both male and female genitals to different animals: deer, elephant, horse, dog, etc. A small dog dick in an elephant vagina would be lost in space. Perhaps in a more sexually sophisticated society, women and men would have a chance to compare genital sizes like they try on shoes. I’ve always suspected the fairy tale of Cinderella with the prince running around looking for a foot to fit a shoe was symbolism for finding a vagina to fit his dick.

  The comedian George Carlin got it right when he talked about why Americans consistently declare war and bomb “brown people.” It’s based on “dick fear.” He then goes on to talk about how the whole missile program is the result of dick fear. Americans have to make sure they have the biggest dicks with the biggest bang for the buck. We laugh at this, but I have long believed that fewer men would need to shoot missiles and guns if they could shoot a little come from their hard cocks for fun. There’s an old saying in the army that the only difference between a man’s rifle and his penis is that one is for fighting and the other is for fun. But how many men are actually having fun with their penises?

  The sensitive parts on most men’s penises are the rim of the glans and the little V-shaped area underneath the glans that I call the male clitoris. The urethral opening also has sensitivity. I’ve known men who have enjoyed a stream of water hitting their little pee hole in the shower to get turned on. One friend of mine actually inserts a sterilized and lubricated rod inside his urethra because he enjoys the sensation, and an older friend uses surgically wrapped thin plastic tubes to keep his urinary tract open. His doctor taught him how to do it.

  Some men like to have their prostate gland massaged with a finger during oral or manual sex but prostate massage is rarely an end in itself. Most guys still want the head and shaft of their dick involved in order to blow out a great orgasm. When your girlfriend is adding prostate stimulation with a finger inside your anus to heighten manual or oral sex, tell her what feels best. Having her relying on your feedback is better than having her look for a specific place like your P-spot, which can be intimidating.

  All the different male animals, including humans, have a built-in drive to copulate. Depending upon your point of view, God, Mother Nature, or human evolution set it up like this to ensure the continuation of our species. This desire, obsession, or force driving you to come inside a pussy is how men have been hardwired. So relax. You are not a sex fiend because you think about sex every few minutes or so. You are just a healthy guy pumping a lot of testosterone trying to fulfill your biological purpose—procreation. As long as you can get it up, put it in, and ejaculate you have made God, Mother Nature, or human evolution happy. However, the woman you get pregnant will either be delighted or furious with you.

  Women’s hardwiring tells us to get some kind of commitment before we let you put it in—an engagement ring or better yet, a marriage contract. You just want to come but we have the burden of caring for a child throughout the prime of our lifetime and sometimes later as grandmothers. My advice to all single men is to masturbate right before you go out to take the edge off that raging bull between your legs. If she wants to have sex with you, masturbating earlier in the evening will help you last longer.

  Honoring both the male and female phalluses equally would begin to heal a world out of balance. We spend trillions of dollars going into outer space, yet we spend very little exploring the inner space of our own sexual anatomy. Americans could easily provide an adequate sex education for our children that would include information about the magnificent male and female phalluses—his penis and her clitoris. We could replace the shame most adults feel about their genitals with the acceptance and wonder I remember having as a child when we innocently played “I’ll show you mine if you show me yours.” It’s time for humankind to return to its senses, to enjoy the basic pleasures of being alive in healthy bodies without the fig leaf, black dot, or digital squares covering our sex organs. After all, they are responsible for creating the next generation as well as giving us an enormous amount of pleasure.

  13

  CREATIVE PARTNERSEX

  Exploring New Sexual Skills

  Couples that agree to explore a new range of erotic delights by being experimental are embracing what I call creative partner sex. The first year Grant and I were together, we took a giant leap into creative sex by trying everything we could imagine. Our exploration had us pumping out some major orgasms that soon sparked the realization that I could design my sex life just like I painted a picture. The key was allowing myself to be as creative with sex as I had been with art. It was exhilarating to turn my fear into excitement, and that invariably led to better orgasms every time I had the courage to push through another old inhibition.

  For seven years I was married to a man I found sexually appealing and cared for, but our sex life was dismal. The one time I got up the nerve to ask him to slow down when we were fucking so I could come, too, he told me that sex was something natural and couldn’t be controlled. I was too uptight to suggest other ways to share orgasms, so we mostly avoided sex. Toward the end of the last year we were married he came home one night and announced he was taking up golf. I blurted out: “That’s good, because I’m taking up sex.” We both laughed at my remark, but two months later we were divorced and I kept my word.

  For seventeen years, Grant was married to a woman he also cared for, but she was sexually conservative. She was concerned about losing her “vaginal orgasms” and refused to let him do any direct clitoral contact during partner sex. She also rejected the idea of verbalizing sexual fantasies, especially since they were things she would never want to experience. Imagine his delight when he did manual stimulation on my clitoris during intercourse while describing a fantasy and I blew the top of my head off with several dynamite orgasms.

  After that first experience, I couldn’t get enough direct clitoral contact. We looked at pornography together and began sharing our sexual fantasies. Next, I began having orgasms from oral sex after Grant showed me photos of other women’s sex organs to prove my genital deformity was imaginary. Out of gratitude, I gave him a blowjob and swallowed for the first time. He coaxed me into letting him trim my pubic hair so he could photograph what he called “my beautiful cunt,” a word I had formerly hated. The process of becoming cunt positive led me to paint the first self-portrait of my genitals.

  Grant’s dining room table was the site of one of our hottest scenes, and me bending over my bathroom sink getting cunt fucked from behind was another winner. We watched ourselves having sex in front of a mirror that was strategically placed by his bed. This led to using a timer while taking photos of us having sex. One of those photos was the inspiration for my first twenty-eight-by-forty-inch full-blown erotic drawing. He also gave me my first electric orgasm with a vibrator. We finally got up the courage to masturbate in front of each other one at a time, which may have been one of our finest erotic moments.

  Although Grant and I went on to explore threesomes and group sex, for those couples who want to maintain the boundaries of monogamy, most everything we did during our first year together I would highly recommend to any couple wanting to explore a fuller, better sex life. Other couples choosing to expand their sexuality by meeting like-minded couples to play with sexually will have no problem connecting. Personal ads used to be the source for communicating, but now, with the Internet, all kinds of clubs, retreats, and even cruises are available by clicking a mouse.

  After years of having sex with the same person, partner sex can be like eating in the same restaurant where you’ve tasted everything that comes out of the kitchen. The food is still delicious and nourishing, but there are no surprises. Going to the same restaurant assures you of getting what you want, while a foray to a new one adds adventure and fun. Maintaining culinary pleasure is probably based on achieving a balance between the two. I believe the same principle applies to sex. Similar to tasting a new ethnic food with spic
es and flavors that are unfamiliar, the first time we do something sexually new, it’s scary but exciting. The unknown gets the adrenaline flowing, which can feed into sexual arousal, boosting desire for both partners.

  Allowing sexual experimentation into partner sex requires trust, keeping an open mind, and talking freely about how both of you feel after trying something new. Be sure to take plenty of time to discuss what you liked best and what you’d like to change the next time. If one of you dislikes doing something, drop it. There are so many other things to explore. However, I believe a good rule of pleasure is not to condemn something until you’ve tried it at least once, maybe even twice just to make sure. If it’s something your partner is seriously turned on to, maybe going for three would make sense.

  Visual images are very powerful. The same as watching yourself masturbating, having partner sex in front of a mirror provides an image of how a couple looks being sexual together. Most people have cameras and many have videocameras. It’s fun to create your own erotica. If you are working with still images, put together a scrapbook of your sex life. I made a photo album of my sex life with Grant using an antique book I found in a flea market. The opening portraits were of our genitals in oval frames.