Second Thoughts

by Jade Winters

  “So Sara, Melissa failed to tell me what you do for a living,” Bettina said.

  “I’m a cell biologist.”

  Melissa was relieved when Sara went on to explain her project in great detail. For one thing it meant Faye couldn’t start any trouble with her little digs.

  Three bottles of wine later, the atmosphere at the table was one of relaxation. Melissa found herself unable to tear her eyes away from Sara’s mouth each time she opened it to speak. She had missed hearing the lyrical tone of her voice. Melissa found herself once again comparing the two women she was sitting between. She couldn’t help but notice they were total opposites.

  Sara radiated a vitality that drew her like a magnet, unable to detach from her, whether she wanted to or not. Whereas she sometimes thought of Bettina as being quite matronly – very bossy and regimental. She had to admit she preferred the easy-going way of life she’d had with Sara, as opposed to the restrictive one she now found herself in.

  She couldn’t help but wonder if she would have ever noticed these differences if Sara hadn’t come back. Would her blinkers have ever come off? As Melissa sat gazing at Sara, her thoughts and feelings of love for the two women crashed into one another as she tried to make sense of the barrage of mixed messages. Her heart squeezed in anguish as she prayed Bettina was as tipsy as she was and hadn’t noticed the longing in her eyes for another woman.

  “Your job sounds fascinating,” Bettina said when Sara finished speaking.

  Sara laughed. “It is, but to most lay-people it all goes over their heads.”

  “I bet it does. When are you planning on going back? You know you are welcome to come to the wedding. We’ve had a couple of cancellations.”

  Melissa flinched. Did she really just invite her to our wedding?

  Before Sara could respond Chrissy said quickly, “So where are you guys going on honeymoon?”

  “We aren’t.” Bettina spilt her drink as she placed it on the table. She quickly grabbed a napkin and mopped it up.

  “If you were a straight couple eyebrows would have been raised by the quickness of the marriage. Everyone would think you were pregnant,” Faye joked.

  Bettina casually placed her hand over Melissa’s and looked directly at Sara. “Well, we’re going to be pretty soon.” She stroked Melissa’s hand with the tip of her finger. “On the fifteenth to be precise.”

  “What!” Faye said almost jumping back in her seat.

  “I know this must come as quite a shock, we decided not to tell anyone until the sixth week, but seeing as you’re all such good friends of Melissa’s, I don’t see what harm it could do,” she said smiling at each of them sweetly.

  The air left Melissa’s lungs as she glanced at Sara and saw the hurt in her eyes. She then looked over at Faye and noticed her jaw tighten, but her mouth remained closed. Melissa could feel her cheeks flush as she scrambled for something to say. She instantly regretted not confiding in Sara and Faye in the first place. She hadn’t wanted them to find out like this. Bettina had really landed her in it this time she realised as Faye refused to make eye contact with her.

  Melissa pushed her chair back. “Excuse me; I have to use the ladies.”

  Shutting the toilet door behind her she rested her head against it. What the hell is Bettina playing at? Why would she do that? Humiliate me in front of my friends and make it look like I’m keeping secrets from them. It was totally bad form from Bettina, considering she was the one that forbade her from telling anyone, apart from Eli, about their baby plans in the first place. Bettina had just proved another point – if it benefited her she could do what the hell she wanted. It was obvious that she had pulled this stunt to hurt Sara again. She pushed herself off the door and walked to the mirror, pondering her reflection for a moment. The woman that looked back at her had the eyes of a weakling – a pathetic wimp who was too scared to follow her own heart.

  The toilet door swung open and Faye literally flew in, her eyes conveying the fury within.

  “Have you lost your fucking mind? A baby!”

  “Faye, I didn’t tell you be–”

  “Save it Melissa. Any fool can see that you’re not in love with Bettina. So why would you bring a baby into this mess?”

  “Because it’s what I want…what I thought I wanted. I don’t know what I’m doing anymore.”

  Faye gave her a pitying look. “You’re not a kid anymore Melissa, you’re a grown woman. Isn’t it about time you started acting like one?”

  “If you hadn’t brought Sara back I wouldn’t be in this situation,” she shot back at her.

  Faye shoved her hands in her pockets. “Oh so you’re blaming me now?”

  “No, of course not.” She bowed her head and slumped over the sink. “Is Sara angry with me for not telling her?”

  “Sara’s gone back to her hotel and I don’t blame her if I’m honest. In fact, I think me and Chrissy are going to make a move as well.”

  Melissa straightened up. She looked at her pleadingly. “Come on, Faye, please, let’s not fall out over this.”

  Faye blinked slowly. “Look, I’m a bit pissed at the moment so I might be over-reacting to your ‘good news’. Shit, I can’t believe it.” She shook her head regretfully. “I’ll call you tomorrow.”

  Faye patted her shoulder and left her standing there in a lonely silence wondering how the hell she was going to sort out this mess.

  Chapter Twenty-Nine

  How could he have done it – raped my mother? She had spent the entire day doing all she could to rid his presence from anywhere in the house. She’d dragged the bed they’d shared to the garden and covered it with BBQ lighter fluid before setting light to it. Quilts, towels, sheets, anything else he had touched were burnt. She had then turned to herself, scrubbing every inch of her body until her skin was red raw. She had called the police and told them of her findings but was informed there wasn’t a case to be answered. Scott couldn’t be prosecuted based on something someone had written in a diary. Her mother was dead so there was not going to be any kind of justice. He was going to get away with it. Eli sat at the kitchen table in the dark, her hand covering her mother’s diary. She stiffened in her seat as she heard the door slam shut, and Scott’s feet heading straight to the kitchen.

  He pushed open the door and switched on the light, a look of surprise covered his features.

  “So the wanderer returns?”

  Scott looked down at his watch. “Sorry, I didn’t realise it was after ten, a last minute order came in just as I was shutting up shop. Why are you sitting in the dark?” He bent down to kiss her and she leaned back. Shrugging slightly, he walked to the fridge and opened it. “No dinner?” he said slamming the door shut. “When is this going to end, Eli?”

  She glared at him. “You tell me.”

  “What the hell does that mean?”

  She stood up slowly, her hand gripping the diary as if her life depended on it. “You said it was a drunken mistake.”

  He looked down at her, confusion in his eyes as he rubbed the back of his neck. “I thought we’d moved on from that.”

  “Liar! You fucking lying bastard!” She ran at him, digging her nails into his hand as he grabbed her arm.

  “Get a grip, Eli. You’re acting like a crazy woman.”

  “You raped her! You raped my mother!” She broke loose from his grip and slapped him across the face.

  Scott laughed. “Are you mad?” He shook his head. “I raped her? How can you believe such a thing,” he began falteringly. “I told you we were drunk, we were both up for it and…”

  “Shut up! Shut up! You lying, raping bastard!” She pulled open the diary and thrust it at him. “Read it in her own words.”

  Scott glanced away from the open pages.

  “I’ll read it for you shall I? I begged him to stop, I told him no, but he carried on. Does that sound like someone who was ‘up for it?’”

  “I don’t care what’s written in there. I did not rape your mother,�
� he countered calmly.

  Eli searched his face looking for any sign of the man she thought was her knight in shining armour. Loathing spread throughout her for the pathetic excuse of a man standing in front of her.

  He stepped towards her tentatively, his arms outstretched.

  Eli backed away to the sink and pulled a knife from the block. “You come within one inch of me and I’ll kill you.”

  He held up his hands and backed off. “Maybe I should give you time to cool down and think about things.”

  Eli recoiled. “There’s nothing to think about. I want you out of this house.”

  “I really think…” his voice trailed off as she stepped towards him brandishing the knife. He shrugged disconsolately. “Oh fuck it. Have it your way, it would never have worked anyway. The only reason I was with you was to be close to Melissa.”

  Though Eli was composed on the outside, inside she was spiralling into a dark hole, one she didn’t think she’d ever find her way out of.

  Chapter Thirty

  “There’s no point you both drinking yourselves into oblivion!” Chrissy said as she looked down at Sara and Faye propped up against the leather headboard on the king-size bed.

  Sara knew Chrissy was right but she couldn’t see any other way to dull the pain. God knows what she would have done if Faye and Chrissy hadn’t turned up at her hotel door brandishing a bottle of Vodka.

  “What’s the alternative? Kill myself?” Sara looked up at the high ceiling with spot lights. “Nope. There’s no way I could even reach up there to hang myself.”

  Chrissy kicked off her shoes and curled up on a chair. “Look, I know Melissa and Bettina trying for a baby has come as a huge shock, but there really isn’t anything either of you can do.”

  Faye turned to Sara. “That’s what I love about Chrissy, always the pragmatic one.”

  Chrissy sighed. “No, Faye, I’m a realist.”

  Faye stared absent-mindedly up at the ceiling. “I can’t believe Melissa didn’t tell me. I thought she told me everything.”

  Sara looked miserably into her glass. “They’re obviously a lot more committed than any of us thought.” She wished it wasn’t true, but she couldn’t deny it any longer. Melissa and Bettina were going to be together forever. Melissa wasn’t the sort of person to have a baby with someone she didn’t plan on staying with.

  Faye reached down to the side of the bed and refilled her glass. “Sorry, I’m still not convinced. The hold Bettina has over her makes me so angry and she can’t even see it. Melissa thinks Bettina’s such a Miss-Goody-Two-Shoes, even though the truth is staring her in the face.”

  Chrissy took a sip of her coffee. “Faye, you’ve got to stop trying to be Melissa’s protector. She makes her own decisions and there’s nothing you can do about it.”

  Faye jerked up into a sitting position, spilling the vodka on the bed. “So you think I should just watch this train wreck and say nothing.”

  “That’s exactly what I’m saying.”

  Sara pulled Faye back. “Chrissy’s right, Faye. As much as it hurts me to say it, we’ve just got to let her go. Let her make her own mistakes. If Bettina’s the wrong one for her, she’ll find out soon enough.”

  Faye swung her legs off the bed, walked to the window and took a large gulp of her drink. “Okay. I’ll step back. So what are your plans now, Sara? Are you going to the wedding?”

  “I doubt it; it’s hard enough as it is to see her, without watching her go through a wedding ceremony.”

  Maybe it was for the best. What could she really offer Melissa anyway? If stability was what she really wanted she’d hardly find it with her. Sara wanted more out of life than a nine-to-five job and a kid around her ankles. She wanted to explore the world, participate in finding cures to help sick people. She had stupidly thought she could do all that with Melissa at her side, but seeing her life choices, she couldn’t have been more wrong.

  Faye laughed. “Hey, you never know, they might name their kid after you.”

  “Somehow I can’t see that happening.” Sara knew the last thing Bettina would want was any kind of reminder that she even existed.

  “Sara, I think you should come to the wedding,” Chrissy said.

  “Really? Why’s that?” Rather than be shocked by her suggestion, she was interested to know. Even back during their university days, everyone had turned to Chrissy when they had a problem. She was the only person Sara knew who could weigh a situation up fairly and objectively. “For whose benefit?”

  “Yours. Although I think this will bring closure for both of you. It’s obvious to everyone that you still have feelings for one another. But for some reason Melissa doesn’t want to acknowledge it. I think it’s important that you see that she’s happy with the choices she’s made and it will be easier for you to move on and find someone else. You don’t want to spend the rest of your life pining for your lost love, do you?”

  Sara thought about it for a few seconds. Though she couldn’t imagine the day when anyone replaced Melissa, she knew Chrissy was right.

  Sara let out a sigh. “Okay, who’s coming shopping with me tomorrow?”

  “Why? What do you need?”

  “If I’m going to a wedding I need an outfit.”

  “That’s my girl,” Faye said raising her glass. “Fight for what you want to the bitter end.”

  Chapter Thirty-One

  The evening out hadn’t brought Melissa and Bettina any closer together, if anything it had made things worse. They had been arguing all the way home in the cab and by the looks of things; Bettina wasn’t finished with her yet either. She turned on her as soon as they stepped through their front door.

  Melissa braced herself, pressing her back against the wall as Bettina’s face moved threateningly close to her own. “Why don’t you just admit that you still love her?” she asked throatily.

  Melissa held Bettina’s shoulders at arm’s length. “There’s nothing going on between us, you have to believe me.”

  Bettina brushed her hands away, swaying as she tried to keep her balance. “And why should I do that?”

  “Because I’m here with you, not Sara.”

  Bettina gave a choked desperate laugh. “That’s what you say now. But you hate me, don’t you? You wish I’d never sent her away. You wish it was her that you were marrying, not me.”

  Melissa shrugged in mock resignation. “Bettina, you’re just getting paranoid now. We’re going to be married and have a child together. If that doesn’t show you how committed I am, I don’t know what will.”

  “Just admit that you’re still angry with me,” she said, her voice slurring

  Melissa stared back at her and blinked. “I’m not angry because you sent her away,” she started slowly, the alcohol in her system fuelling her bravery. “I’m angry that you didn’t tell me she’d been. You hid a secret from me, for four fucking years!” That was the first time in their relationship she had ever raised her voice, let alone added a swear word. Normally she counted to ten to keep her temper in check, but tonight was not a normal night. Bettina still seemed oblivious to how much her actions had hurt her. “Tell me Bettina, what does that tell you about our relationship? About you!?” Her voice rose as the anger and hurt released itself from its hidden quarters. “You were the one person in the world who I thought I could trust.”

  Bettina sighed heavily. “Melissa, do you remember the state you were in when you turned up on my door step? You were broken.”

  She flung her hands out in simple despair. “Did I ask you to fix me? No. If I recall I asked you for nothing. It was you who decided I need rescuing. You and only you.”

  Bettina stared at her, the colour draining from her face making her hair look darker than usual. “So I’ve wasted all the effort I put in. Is that what you’re saying?”

  Melissa didn’t know what she was saying anymore. Nothing was making sense. The alcohol was loosening her tongue. If she said any more she didn’t think their relationship would
recover from it.

  “Look, all I’m saying is that it was wrong what you did. I appreciate that you thought you were looking out for me, but–”

  “But what?”

  “But I’ve forgiven you now.”

  Bettina gave her a murderous look. “Well that’s very noble of you. I wasn’t asking for your forgiveness, Melissa, just your understanding.” She held onto the wall to steady herself. “I think you should sleep in the spare room tonight.”

  “Oh come on Bettina, don’t start being silly.”

  With a moan of distress she turned away. “I’m not. I think you need some time alone to think about what you really want.”

  “Fine. Whatever you say, as always.” Melissa watched her as she retreated up the stairs. How could she tell Bettina that’s all she’d been doing since Sara walked back into her life?

  Melissa slipped out of her shoes and padded along the hall to the kitchen. Only five days to go until we’re married. Instead of feeling excited, Melissa felt as if she was preparing for a funeral. Her heart was heavy with doubt at a time that should have been the happiest of her life. The worst thing was that she didn’t have anyone to turn to – how could she explain how she felt to Eli or even Faye?

  She slumped down into a chair and rested her forehead against the dining table. She was even too ashamed to ask God for guidance – she knew exactly what he or she would say. As a matter of fact she knew what any sane person would say and they’d be right of course – tears brimmed in her eyes and she blinked them away. I wish Dad was here, he’d know what to do. But would he? She doubted her dad would be proud of her for having, what was effectively an emotional affair with her ex. What made matters even worse now was that she might have to take her vows in front of Sara. Would she really be able to commit her heart to Bettina knowing she was in love with Sara? She knew in her heart of hearts that she couldn’t pull out now. Or could she?