Second Thoughts

by Jade Winters

  Bettina snorted. “Shall I rephrase that for you? You hoped I’d be asleep.”

  “I don’t want to argue Bettina. I’m tired and–”

  “What! You’re tired. What kind of a fucking day do you think I’ve had?”

  Melissa rested her head against the fridge door. “I’m sorry about earlier.”

  “You’re sorry! Are you fucking kidding me? That’s it! No explanation, you’re just sorry.”

  She braved a glance in Bettina’s direction and immediately regretted it when she saw the pain in her eyes and realised there was nothing she could do to ease it. “I don’t know what to say.”

  “How about the truth?”

  She covered her eyes with the palms of her hands and exhaled a deep heavy breath. “The truth is...I don’t know.”

  “Melissa, we’ve been planning this baby for months and now we’re finally doing it you do a runner,” she said, throwing her arms up in the air.

  Melissa dropped her hands to her side. “I said I’m sorry.”

  “Well sorry isn’t going to cut it this time. Every time you fuck up I let you get away with it. I’ve babied you for too long now; it’s time for you to stand on your own two feet.”

  “I never asked you to smother me like a mother hen, Bettina. You did that all by yourself.”

  “Smother you!”

  Melissa could feel the heat rising to her face. “Yes! You treat me like a child. Everything has to be your way. When you want to get married, when you want to have a baby. It’s all about you.”

  A flicker of panic flashed in Bettina’s eyes. “Are you saying you didn’t want a baby?”

  “No. There you go again, putting words in my mouth.”

  Bettina stared back at her speechless. “Only because you never let me know what you’re really thinking. You agree to everything just to keep the peace. Why didn’t you just say that you never wanted a baby from the beginning?” she asked, her voice rising to a shrill.

  Bettina stomped over to the wall cupboards, opening and slamming doors until she found a box of painkillers. Ripping open the box, she snapped two out of the silver packet and knocked them back in one gulp.

  “It’s not that at all. I just think–”

  “Don’t say that, Melissa. Because you’re not thinking. That’s the problem with you, you never do. If you did, you’d realise I’m getting older. I don’t have time to wait. I want...no, need to have a baby now before it’s too late. Don’t you see?” she said clutching at her stomach.

  Melissa glanced down at the ground. Guilt enveloping her. She hadn’t given a second thought about Bettina’s fertility. She had assumed any woman could give birth until their menopause and Bettina was nowhere near that stage of her life yet.

  Bettina scraped her hand over her face. “Oh I don’t know why I’m wasting my time telling you all this. You’ve still got plenty of child bearing years ahead of you; you wouldn’t understand what I’m going through.”

  “Bettina, I know how important this is to you, but I don’t see the problem with waiting a few weeks even months maybe. It’s not like you’re going to become infertile overnight.”

  Bettina crossed her arms as she continued to stare at her.

  “I just don’t want to risk–” Melissa said.

  “–You don’t want to risk what?”

  “Making a mistake,”

  “And what’s brought all this on? You’ve never mentioned any of this before.”

  “Yeah that’s because...” She stopped abruptly.

  “Go on say it, that’s because, what? Sara wasn’t around.”

  “I didn’t say that.”

  “You didn’t have to. Who are you? What’s happened to the woman who was my everything? Whose life was a part of my own?”

  “Maybe I don’t want to be that person anymore. Maybe I just want my own life, without being henpecked over every decision I make.”

  Bettina slumped into a chair. She looked up at Melissa with tearful eyes. “You want me to let you go, is that it?”

  Sadness swept over Melissa. “I...”

  “Fine, well go.” Bettina slammed her hand down on the table. “Go on, you fool. Go back to the woman who left you because you weren’t good enough. See how long it lasts before she dumps you again. She doesn’t love you and she never did.” She let out a bitter laugh. “Thank God I didn’t go through with the insemination.”

  Relief engulfed Melissa like a hurricane. “You didn’t do it?”

  Bettina sniffed and wiped away her tears with the back of her hand. “No. So there’s nothing to tie you to me anymore.”

  Melissa moved towards her, stopping in her tracks when Bettina held up her hand. “Bettina, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean what I said.”

  “But it’s obvious you don’t want to be in this relationship anymore. Just tell me one thing,” she said, her expression pained.

  Melissa looked at her questioningly.

  “Just tell me why you married me. Be truthful.”

  Melissa sighed. “Because I thought it was what I wanted. I really did.”

  “Well now I want you to leave and let me have some dignity,” Bettina said burying her face in her hands.

  “I’m sorry things ended this way, Bettina.” She took the rings off her finger and laid them gently on the side.

  “So am I. Go and get your things together. I’ll wait here until you’ve gone.”

  Melissa stood outside the door, debating the pros and cons of her hasty decision.

  If she was going to leave it had to be a clean break. Jesus, the guilt’s too much. She just wanted to get out of there and not look back. She didn’t want to spend anymore of her life living in regret and she knew that’s what the future held if she stayed.

  She took a deep breath and walked up the stairs to pack, all the while listening to Bettina’s sobs. Instead of making Melissa change her mind it just served to tell her she was making the right decision. Bettina deserved to be with someone who loved her and her only.

  Chapter Forty-Three

  “Come in.” Eli stood aside and let Melissa in. “Here, give me that,” she said taking her suitcase from her and standing it up in the hallway. “Come through to the kitchen, I’m just fixing myself a drink.”

  Melissa followed her without a word. She wondered if Bettina had already spoken to her before she arrived. No doubt Bettina thought she’d be running straight into the arms of Sara. But as she sat there watching Eli pour two shots of brandy into a glass, the realisation came to her that her leaving Bettina wasn’t about Sara anymore. She had left for herself. If anything, the past few weeks had been an eye-opener for the way her life was heading.

  Eli put the glasses down on the table.

  “So do you want to talk about it?”

  “Not really. There’s nothing much to say.”

  “Okay.” Eli took a sip of her drink and looked vacantly out the window.

  “Eli, are you and Scott going to be able to work through whatever’s happened?”

  “No,” she said matter-of-factly.

  “It must have been bad.”

  “It is what it is. You know you’re welcome to stay as long as you like.”

  “Thanks, but I think I’ll be looking for my own place soon. I need to stand on my own two feet.”

  “Whatever you say.”

  Melissa frowned. Eli had been acting so out of character lately she wasn’t sure if it was all down to her break-up with Scott, depression or both. The kitchen looked like a bomb had hit it which was unusual seeing as Eli was fastidiously tidy. She would give the place a spring clean tomorrow while Eli was at work and make her something to eat. She was looking a lot thinner than the last time she had seen her and that was only a few days earlier. Eli scraped back her chair and stood abruptly. Shuffling to the worktop in oversize bunny rabbit slippers, she picked up the bottle of brandy and held it in the air

  “Do you want some more?

  Melissa looked down at her untouched dri
nk. “No thanks.”

  “I’m going to bed then.”

  Melissa reached out for her as she passed. “I’m here if you want to talk.”

  “There’s no point talking about it. Believe me, it doesn’t solve anything.”

  “Eli, this is so unlike you.”

  “I’m just tired. I’ll see you in the morning.”

  “Do you mind if I ask Faye over?”

  “It’s your home, Melissa. Do as you please.”

  Melissa stared after her. She was going to have to go and see Scott tomorrow and find out exactly what the problem had been. She couldn’t bear to see Eli so miserable.

  ***

  “Well, I never thought I’d see the day when I’d be happy my best mate broke up from her partner,” Faye said, holding her beer bottle up in the air. “I swear, Mel, you won’t regret it.”

  “Have you morphed into Mystic Meg or something?”

  “No, but you know it’s true that the last people to realise there’s a problem are the ones closest to the situation.”

  Melissa pulled a face. “Did you just make that up?”

  “No, I swear it’s true. It might not be exactly the right wording but something close.” She grinned.

  “Yeah, well I don’t think it’s anything to celebrate. I feel like a right bitch.”

  Faye kicked her boots off and put her feet up on the sofa. “What? For looking out for number one? If you want to feel better look at it like this. It would have been worse if you’d strung her along for years then dropped her sorry arse when she was nearly fifty.”

  “Don’t be mean Faye; we’re all going to get old.”

  “But we’re not going to all be as bitter as she is,” she said frankly. “Anyway, why didn’t you come and crash at our place?”

  “I’m not here for long. I’m going to look for my own place soon.”

  “Oooh, for you and Sara I take it?”

  “No, actually. Sara doesn’t know I’ve left Bettina.”

  Faye’s eyes widened. “What? Why haven’t you told her? You still have time before she catches her flight.”

  “Faye, I left Bettina because of me not because of Sara. I’m not telling her and neither are you.”

  “Are you kidding? So what’s this all about then if not for Sara?”

  “I’m doing this for me, Faye.”

  Chapter Forty-Four

  Sara boarded the British Airways flight to San Diego. In eleven hours she would return to her old life without Melissa. She put her rucksack in the luggage compartment and took her seat on the aisle.

  An elderly lady in the seat beside her stopped reading her book, looked at her and smiled. “Have you been here on holiday?” She spoke with an American accent.

  “No. A wedding.”

  The woman’s face lit up. “Ah you’re English. My late husband was English. I think I fell in love with his accent before him,” she said chuckling fondly to herself. “Sixty years we were together, we never spent a day apart.”

  “You were very lucky.”

  “I know, I know. Some people aren’t so lucky in love for some reason. The best advice I give to young ones like you is if you find it never let it go. You’ll regret it. Take it from an old woman who knows.” She tapped the side of her nose before returning to her book.

  Sara massaged her forehead. It was too late for her and Melissa now. All she could do was hope to have learnt from this experience if she met someone again.

  She knew she’d done the right thing advising Melissa to go back to Bettina. If they had stayed together there would have always been an underlying darkness surrounding them. Maybe not today or tomorrow, but one day it would rear its ugly head. Sara wanted to remember their love as being pure, not tainted with infidelity. No guilt. No hurt. Just love. If she’d have stayed they would have lost all that.

  She buckled her seat belt and watched the safety demonstration. By the time the plane taxied on the tarmac getting ready for take-off, wind and rain lashed against the small windows. With the plane wobbling and slanting as it lifted into the sky she made a mental note to leave the UK and everything that had happened behind. Unlike before, she knew the score, Melissa was married to someone else and she had to move on with her life.

  She retrieved a folder from her rucksack when the seat belt sign went off. She was going to have to catch up on some stats ready for when she got back to the lab. She may not have love but she always had her work, she sadly mused.

  Chapter Forty-Five

  Melissa had been awake since seven. Not that she’d actually slept. She had been watching the little digital clock by her bed all night, counting down to the time she knew Sara would be checking in at the airport. She had been so tempted to call her; to beg her to cancel her flight. Common sense had kicked in and made her see she would be taking a step backward. She was tired of making rash decisions because of fear. That was the very reason she found herself in the mess she was now in. A relationship that had lasted no longer than six months and a marriage two days. She knew in her heart she’d done the right thing but she still couldn’t help feeling sorry for Bettina. Melissa hoped she’d meet someone soon who wanted a child as much as she did. As for Sara, she couldn’t bear the thought of her being with anyone but her, but she wasn’t that selfish that she wished a life of solitude on her. She could only hope she’d never forget her.

  Melissa had to start thinking practically now. Not only about her love life but her professional one as well. In all honesty she couldn’t see herself still running the coffee shop for much longer. It wasn’t her dream. It was what Bettina had thought she would be good at. Not that she blamed Bettina – matching jobs to people’s skills was her specialty. But what Melissa was looking for was something that made her heart beat with joy.

  It wasn’t too late to join a charity abroad and volunteer. Her trust fund was going to be available soon and she would have ample money to get by on.

  Yes, she was going to use this period in her life to make the right decisions for herself. Her first step would be to give the house a good clean. Maybe Eli will come travelling with me. She entered the kitchen, loaded the dishwasher and wiped down the sides. Next, she went into the living room with the vacuum cleaner. She moved the sofa out the way and picked up several books that had fallen behind it. As she looked at the covers one by one the door suddenly burst open.

  “Shit, shit, shit.” Eli entered hopping on one foot whilst trying to put a shoe on. “I’m late for a very important meeting.”

  Melissa laughed. “Don’t worry; I’ll drop you at work. You’ll be there in time.” She put the books on the table making a mental note to go through them when she got back. They looked like her mother’s.

  “Thanks,” Eli said grabbing her bag from the floor and unzipping it. She took her brush out and tugged it through her hair.

  “Let’s go.”

  As promised, Melissa drew up outside Eli’s workplace with minutes to spare. “I’ll see you tonight,” she said as she got out the car and tugged at her bag.

  The contents tumbled to the floor. “Shit, I forgot to close it,” Eli said trying to push everything back in. “Would you mind picking up the rest of my stuff and taking it home?”

  “Of course not.”

  “Thanks. See you later.” She grabbed the bag and ran towards her building.

  Melissa looked down on the floor and started to pick up her toiletries, chewing gum and... She frowned. What’s Eli doing with mum’s diary? She must have found it when she was looking for the photo albums. Despite feeling like a peeping tom she picked it up and opened it. Maybe she’d written about what was bothering her the days leading up to the fatal car crash. She quickly flicked the pages towards the last entries.

  The pulse in her fingers throbbed as she turned the page. It didn’t make any sense. What did her mother mean Scott had somehow found out he was her dad? Was this some kind of sick joke? She continued reading, unblinking, unable or unwilling to take in what was bein
g said. When she got to the last line, her heart jolted as an icy feeling spread through her stomach. Shock soon turned to anger. No, no this can’t be true! She flung the diary onto the floor and stared at it. Scott was her father! And he had raped her mother!

  She tried not to focus on the images that were playing in her mind, biting her bottom lip until she tasted blood. Her mother being…she couldn’t bring herself to think the word let alone say it. Everything suddenly fell into place. Her parents arguing on the day of the crash. The vacant stare her father gave her before he ran to his car and sped off. She opened the car door and vomited. After several more seconds of retching she closed the door and put the car into gear.

  I want to look that sick fuck in the eyes and hear what he has to say for himself!

  ***

  “Melissa, are you a sight for sore eyes,” Scott said smiling as she walked into the shop. His smile faded when he saw what she held in her hand.

  “Am I, Scott? Or should that be...Dad!?”

  Scott’s eyes widened. “Look Melissa, I don’t know what Eli’s told you but it’s all lies.”

  “The only one lying round here is you. You’re a fucking animal, that’s what you are.”

  Scott held out his hands haplessly. “Melissa, please not in front of my customers. Come into my office.”

  Melissa looked around at the gawping faces. “Why? Don’t you want them to know you’re a rapist? You’re a coward aren’t you? A fucking weasel of a coward.”

  He hurried over to the door and opened it. “Can everybody leave please? I’m closing for the rest of the day.”

  He stood erect ignoring the look of shock on the customers’ faces as they walked quickly past him. He closed the door and leaned against it.

  “Melissa, I’m so glad this is all out in the open. Your mother was a bit of a fantasist, you know that.” He took a step forward. “I’ve been living for the day when you found out the truth about me. It’s all I’ve lived for. She denied me my rights to be your father.”