by Kate McLay
Hannah raised her own hands slowly until her fingers met, wrapped around Alyssa's back. She wanted to kiss her. She wanted to sit her down and ask her what the hell they were doing. She didn't know which one was better.
"About last night..." said Alyssa, leading in with the one phrase universally known to precede rejection, no matter that she was playing with the hair at the nape of Hannah's head with one hand.
"Do we—" Hannah tried to cut her off, but Alyssa shocked her by swiping her lips over hers.
But before Hannah could deepen the kiss, Alyssa pulled back. "We can't just not talk about it," she said.
As much as it sucked, Hannah knew that she was right. "So talk."
A bright red blush blossomed on Alyssa's cheeks and she looked down, suddenly timid. "I didn't wa — no, I didn't plan for that to happen. I mean, I'm not... or I don't... that is..." she finally pulled back from Hannah and wrapped her arms around her midsection. She looked ready to start pacing, but she kept herself still. "I like you, Hannah. I mean, we're friends, and I want to hang out, but I really liked that," she didn't need to explain what 'that' was. "But I'm not gay, at least, I wasn't. I mean, I've never liked another girl before. I've never really liked guys before, either." As she rambled, her speed increased and she did start pacing a little.
Hannah reached out to stop her. "We don't need to figure everything out at once," she said. "And I like you, too. As a friend. And as more."
Alyssa let out a breath. "So what does this mean? Because I don't want it to mean nothing."
God, she was brave. Hannah knew that she liked to be sure of herself before she made any move. She didn't know if she could have just said it like Alyssa did. She slid her arm up until she could brush her fingers against Alyssa's cheek. "It means something. We'll figure out what as we muddle along."
And then they were kissing again and things made a lot more sense.
Chapter Fourteen
By Wednesday, Alyssa was starting to regain her bearings. She and Hannah still weren't officially official. But Saturday night had led to Sunday night, which in turn had led to Monday night, and the only reason she and Hannah had slept separately on Tuesday was because Hannah had to work late. Even after only a few days, Alyssa felt alone without Hannah’s arms wrapped around her.
She wondered how many nights you could sleep in another person's bed before you were in a de facto relationship. Whatever the number, she and Hannah had to be getting close. And as much as Alyssa wanted to shout from the top of the Sears Tower that she and Hannah were a thing, there was still a scared girl inside of her that didn't want to let anyone know.
Was she in the closet?
Alyssa let out a frustrated groan. She hadn't cared at all about relationships before, she'd never thought that she'd want a woman. But now she was involved and still trying to figure out what it meant. Maybe she was bi? Was that better? Or worse?
What would her mother think?
Alyssa sank further into her desk, curling her arms in front of her and resting her head on them. She'd deliberately not thought of her mother until this point. Things with Hannah were fragile, one gust of intolerance from Kim Barnes and they could be torn apart before they truly got started.
But putting aside this new relationship, what would her mother think of her?
She'd heard whispers of what had happened to her brother. Johnny Barnes was her second oldest brother, but the two of them had never had the chance to get close. She'd only been five when he took off. No one had explained why he had to leave, nor had they explained why he wouldn't be coming back. But over the years she'd heard rumors. When Alyssa was sixteen, her sister, Sarah, had explained what she knew. Johnny had told their mom that he was gay and had a boyfriend. He'd also told her that he would not be attending a Catholic university.
Her family had washed their hands of him. And though that had been nearly twenty years ago, Alyssa was scared that they would do the same to her. Despite their faults, she loved them. She couldn't imagine turning her back on any one of them, no matter what she learned.
No one talked about Johnny anymore, but maybe it was all water under the bridge. Maybe Johnny stayed away for his own reasons now, not because they wouldn't take him back.
"Hey, space cadet."
Alyssa jerked up in her chair at the sound of Martha's voice. "Hey, what's up?" She hoped that it hadn't looked like she was sleeping.
Martha smiled. Today she was wearing an olive green top with a black pencil skirt. "Are you okay? I know there's a flu going around."
Alyssa shook her head and then started nodding when she realized that she was answering the wrong question. "I'm fine. Not sick at all."
"You sure?" Martha stepped inside the office and leaned against the wall. "You know that you can talk to me if you need to, right?"
Alyssa almost said something, but before she could speak, her stomach growled.
"I'm just in time," Hannah said. Martha was standing at just the right angle to block her from Alyssa's sight. She stepped around and Alyssa could see that she was dressed for work, wearing her black pants and button up shirt. Her apron was probably bunched up in the backpack slung over her shoulder. "I came to see if you wanted to hit lunch?"
How was it possible to both be incredibly happy to see someone and utterly panicked at the same time? Alyssa knew she was blushing and she could feel her eyes widen. For a stressful second she could feel her worlds colliding as Martha turned around and greeted Hannah.
But Hannah just introduced herself as a friend, not a girlfriend, and Martha didn't seem to suspect anything. "Let's talk about your project after you get back from lunch, alright?" She left after getting Alyssa's agreement.
"I grabbed some contraband from work." She patted her backpack, indicating that her pilfered food was in it. "Want to go have a picnic in that park down the street?" Hannah asked. She angled her head just so that her hair all fell to one side, showing the thick brown stubble on one side of her scalp.
Alyssa grabbed her purse and followed her down the hall to the bank of elevators. She could feel eyes on her as they walked past her coworkers and she was uncomfortably conscious about how close she followed behind Hannah. Was it a friendly distance? Was she looking at her too nakedly? Could they tell that they were sleeping together?
Did she care?
That last one was a resounding yes, but Alyssa wasn't sure of the exact reason.
They made it to the elevator and got in alone. When the doors closed, Hannah reached over and grabbed Alyssa's hand and tugged her close for a kiss. Alyssa let it happen, but she pulled back after only a second.
"What's the matter?" Hannah asked, "It's not like anyone's going to see."
Alyssa was prevented from answering by the elevator stopping and the door opening. She dropped Hannah's hand and they put some space between them as another person got on.
The walk to the park gained a new intensity and neither Alyssa nor Hannah spoke until they'd grabbed a bench for themselves overlooking a small pond where a few ducks swam. Hannah handed her a sandwich and Alyssa picked at it while watching the mallards.
She and Hannah were close, though not quite touching. They ate in silence for several minutes, each waiting for the other to speak first.
"I'm sorry if you didn't want me to drop by," said Hannah. "I just thought you would like to get out of the office for a little while."
Guilt washed over Alyssa, "It's not that," she tried to reassure her. "And thanks for this," she waved the sandwich a little. "It's just that... no one knows what... about... you know, right?"
"Do you think I'm going to out you?" Hannah snapped.
"No. No!" Alyssa waved her hands in front of her, a piece of lettuce flying loose from her sandwich and landing on the ground. "It's not that at all."
Hannah leaned back and crossed her arms, "Then what is it?"
Alyssa set her food down on the plastic wrap that it had come in. And then she reached out and put her hand on Hannah's arm
. It was a bit of a struggle, but she didn't look around to see if anyone was looking at them. It really didn't matter what strangers thought. "I was just surprised. This is all so new."
Hannah caught Alyssa's hand before she could pull away, clamping it where it rested against her forearm. "I want more than just what we have at home," she confessed. "I'm not saying we need to run through your office and make out in your boss's office, but I can't hide who I am. Not every day. Sure, we don't have to call up your family right now and make some big show, but," as she spoke, her fingers curled around Alyssa's, "I want to be able to hold your hand in public. Can you handle that?"
Could she? They were sitting close, anyone could see them, but Alyssa realized that she didn't really care. Not if it meant that she had to give up Hannah. She leaned forward and kissed her forehead, and then her nose, and then, very quickly, her lips. The earth didn't open up and swallow them, no one covered their eyes or ran away. In fact, no one noticed but the two of them. "I think I can handle that," she promised.
Chapter Fifteen
They settled into something almost normal in the few weeks that followed. There still wasn't anything official. Not even Facebook official. But each night, Hannah and Alyssa shared a bed. And they even went out together as a couple. Hannah still wanted more. But she could feel Alyssa working through it, trying to find a way to be both true to herself and maintain a relationship with Hannah.
This was the hell that she'd wanted to escape. This was why she had vowed not to date someone like Alyssa again. But then Alyssa smiled or kissed her or brushed her hand against hers and Hannah's doubts flew out the window.
She was falling for Alyssa. Maybe she was already in love with her. She'd never felt this way about any other person before. It was as terrifying as it was exhilarating. And it threw her past relationships into sharp perspective. She'd felt ready to give up on love and relationships when she and Morgan broke up. But what she'd had with Morgan paled in comparison to what she felt for Alyssa.
If she found Alyssa in bed with some guy, she didn't think that she could just let it go and slink off into the sunset. But even the thought was anathema. She knew Alyssa, knew her better than she'd ever known Morgan even though they'd only known each other for less than two months. And Alyssa was not the cheating type. She'd give herself up to a relationship and never let go. And on the off chance she wanted to end it, she'd do it honorably.
But Hannah didn't see a break up in their future.
It was almost scary, feeling like she could have forever with this girl, but she desperately wanted it.
At that moment, she didn't have time to dwell on her blossoming relationship. Cherise had called her to the club at 3PM and told her to bring her guitar, a strange time, but it wasn't like she could say no. She was still waiting for the fabled talent scout to show up.
Maybe Cherise had been lying to her, but the more important thing was that Cherise was paying her so Hannah would dance to her tune for a little while longer.
When she got to the club, Cherise was nowhere to be found. One of the staff was cleaning behind the bar and pointed her to a booth in the back corner of the room. This section could be cordoned off by a drape hung from the ceiling and Hannah had never noticed it before.
A young man, maybe only a little older than her, sat with his back towards the door. His hair was a sandy blond and a bit disheveled, as if he had just run his hands through it a few times. He must have heard her because he turned his head to face her and his eyes lit up with recognition.
Hannah was lost, she'd never seen this guy before in her life.
"I'm so glad you could make it!" He said, his accent thick with Texas. "I'm Ado. Cherise said we should just wait for her. She'll only be a few minutes." He gestured to the bench across from him.
At a loss to do anything else, Hannah took a seat. "Ado?" she asked. She'd never heard a name that rhymed with Play-doh before.
He blushed and in doing so looked even younger. "It's short for Adolphus. My granddad's name. Adolphus Brubaker." He said it like she should recognize the name, but she didn't.
She was saved from needing to answer by Cherise coming out of the staff door beside their table. "Hey, kids!" She said. "I'm glad you're getting to know one another."
"I just got here," Hannah confessed. She waited for Cherise to explain the purpose of their meeting.
Cherise didn't disappoint. "Let's get down to it then. No time for chit chat."
Hannah hoped not.
"Mr. Brubaker here—"
"Please, call me Ado," he interrupted.
Cherise let out a little huff and spared him a glance before continuing. "Ado here works for that agent I told you would be here the other night. He saw a video of you online and wanted to hear what you sounded like in person."
Hannah's eyes widened and her hands trembled. She looked at Ado with new eyes. Sure, he was young, but so was she. Young people could have important jobs. "You were here last week?" she asked.
Ado shook his head. "My boss was called out of town at the last minute and I couldn't make it that night. But Cherise insisted that we check out your stuff. So I wanted to hear what you've got." He held up a hand to forestall any questions. "The label is small, we focus mostly on alternative and folk acts. And we like the LGBT thing. It's a fresh angle nowadays. So, have you got anything that you don't have on your YouTube channel?"
Hannah swallowed, trying to digest everything he'd just blurted out. He talked the talk, but he spoke it like a memorized script. In a weird way, it was comforting. He was still getting his bearings just as much as she was. "I've been working on a few things."
She took out her guitar, hyper aware of her every move. But something about this ambush was preventing her from being nervous. She didn't have time for nerves, not even when Ado took out his cell phone and pointed the camera towards her.
She slid out of the booth and strapped the guitar on her shoulder. After strumming a few cords to warm up and ensuring that she was properly tuned, she started playing. This wasn't a cover of anything, it was her own original song, one she'd started working on a long time ago but had only made any real progress on in the last two weeks.
She knew why.
It started low and slow, a minor key giving a sense of melancholy. But when she started singing, the melancholy mixed with hope and let the beauty of love blossom.
And every word had Alyssa's imprint.
When she spoke of her lover's eyes, it was Alyssa's green ones smiling down at her. The red hair of the woman she couldn't get out her mind played through her fingers.
As she played, the room melted away and it was only the music in there with her. She thought of Alyssa and poured her heart into it, her voice climbing to a high note and crescendoing loud enough to be heard outside. And then she pulled it back, ending on that same minor, low, melancholy cord that she'd started on and letting the last note of the guitar ring out.
It was silent in the club and as Hannah looked around, she saw that it was because everyone had stopped working to watch her sing. And when they were sure that she was done, the dozen or so people that had been working started to clap wildly, showing their appreciation.
Hannah smiled and gave a little bow before turning her attention back to Cherise and Ado. They were both beaming. Cherise looked like a proud mama, even though they barely knew each other. Ado looked like he'd just found the goose that laid the golden egg.
"That's perfect!" he exclaimed. He put his phone away and started speaking, hands gesturing with every word. "I think my boss is going to love you. Do you have more like that? And what about something a bit more pop-y? Don't post anything else online until we get back to you. If he loves you as much as I do, we'll be flying you out next week. I think we can have a contract signed in ten days. You'll be a star." He stopped himself there and reeled back. "By star, I mean you'll be able to put out CDs and tour. We're not promising to make you into Beyoncé."
Hannah didn't think she co
uld handle being Beyoncé, so she wasn't complaining about that. "Fly me out where?" she asked. Chicago wasn't New York or LA, but there were plenty of local studios that could take her on. She didn't know how she felt about potentially leaving the city.
Ado glanced at Cherise and then back at her. "We're in Dallas. Didn't Cherise explain who I'm with?"
Cherise took that as her cue to stand up. She patted the table, gesturing for Hannah to sit back down. "I think you two have a lot to talk about. Don't promise him anything yet, but hear him out. This boy can take you places."
Chapter Sixteen
Alyssa beat Hannah home. She hadn't gotten a text from Hannah saying that she'd be late, and there wasn't any note on the fridge, so Alyssa assumed that Hannah had just gotten held back at work for some reason. As for herself, she'd ducked out a few minutes early, hoping to beat a little of the traffic.
That might have worked if Martha hadn't caught her at the last minute and reminded her about the LGTBQ Women in Media dinner. Alyssa knew that she'd blushed scarlet again when Martha assured her that not all of the attendees would be LGBT, but she hadn't said anything about Hannah. She wasn't ashamed of her. She wasn't afraid of how her colleagues would react. But she was still hesitant.
It had been three weeks since that day in the park. She and Hannah had been dating for nearly a month. They'd even gone to the lesbian club that Hannah sometimes performed at and danced together. And then they'd done more than dance in an abandoned coat closet.
Their relationship was just shy of one month old and Alyssa thought it might be time to come out. Not to her mother or the rest of her family. That would be a last resort kind of thing. But Martha's dinner would be a good place to ease herself into the idea of being out at work. And if Hannah were willing to come with her, it might all be worth it.
That settled it. She knew that Hannah wanted her to be more open, so for Hannah, she would be. She'd invite her to the dinner as her girlfriend. And then they could go from there.
