She

by HC Warner

  Freya shook her head. ‘I’m not going to say that I always thought there was something lacking in your relationship with Ben because I didn’t. But for you to have broken up with him when you did, when he was on the verge of proposing …’

  Charlotte spluttered on her wine and her eyes widened. ‘What?’

  Freya’s cheeks flushed slightly and she nodded. ‘Yes … I thought you knew? He didn’t exactly make a secret of it.’

  Charlotte looked away, thinking. Yes, she probably did know, and maybe that’s what had made her get cold feet so suddenly. It was the enormity of it all.

  ‘So, what I’m saying,’ Freya continued, ‘is that you obviously did think there was something not quite right. Don’t be too hard on yourself, Charlie, because maybe, just maybe, you did the right thing for you.’

  Charlotte so wanted to believe her. To think that she had been unhappy and that the relationship had run its course. But she knew deep down that it hadn’t and that she had just had a panic about the future and wanted to clear her head. Now it was too late and whatever she did, she couldn’t turn back time and make everything right again.

  Chapter Eight

  Freya pulled her fitted leather jacket a little tighter around her body. It was a surprisingly chilly day for early March and she stamped her feet to try to warm up her feet inside her ankle boots, as she scanned the lunchtime crowds for Ben’s familiar dark head. As he was usually a few inches taller than everyone else around him, she had thought that he’d be easier to spot, but she hadn’t caught sight of him yet and was beginning to worry that maybe she’d missed him.

  She was just contemplating giving up, when he appeared, head down and his hands stuffed deep in to the pockets of his coat, which looked considerably warmer than hers.

  ‘Ben!’ Freya stepped into his path and gave a nervous wave.

  Ben’s eyes widened in surprise and he pulled up sharply. ‘Hey, Freya! What a lovely surprise!’ He held his arms out widely and pulled her into a hug.

  Freya allowed herself to be drawn into his embrace and held on to him for what she knew was a fraction too long. She could feel the tears pricking her eyes as she felt a wave of longing. The aching familiarity of him was so strong that, for the first time, she realized how painfully she had borne his absence and truly understood how Matt must have been feeling.

  ‘What are you doing here?’ Ben gently extricated himself from her arms and shoved his hands back into the pockets of his overcoat, shuffling from foot to foot.

  Freya took a deep breath. ‘I wanted to see you. You haven’t been returning our calls and our texts aren’t getting through …’ She hesitated. ‘I just wanted to make sure you were OK.’

  Ben frowned. ‘Yeah, everything’s fine. Look, I was just about to grab a sandwich, do you want to join me?’

  Freya beamed. ‘I’d love to.’

  They headed for a café near Ben’s office and found a table. ‘What can I get you?’ he asked, gesturing towards the counter.

  ‘Oh, thanks, Ben. A cheese and ham toastie would be lovely.’

  Ben smiled. ‘Of course. I should have remembered. I’ll have the same.’

  Freya watched him ordering and paying for their food, trying to analyse whether there was anything different about him. He looked a bit more tired and there were shadows under his eyes but that was understandable with a new baby. Other than that, he looked pretty much the same as he ever had.

  He carried a tray over to their small, round, marble table. ‘Dinner is served!’

  Freya laughed. ‘And very nice it looks, too. Thank you.’

  Ben took a seat opposite her and picked up his toastie, taking a huge bite. ‘Mmmm, I haven’t had one of these for ages. Bloody lovely!’

  ‘Yep,’ Freya agreed, as they chewed in comfortable silence. ‘So, how is Elodie?’

  Ben smiled, as crumbs spilled out of his mouth and he wiped them with a napkin. ‘She’s adorable. Really gorgeous.’

  ‘Got any photos?’

  ‘Hang on.’ Ben finished his toastie with one final huge bite and wiped his hands on his napkin before fumbling for his phone. He frowned slightly as he scrolled through his pictures, until he found one he liked and handed it to Freya.

  On the screen was a picture of Bella looking serenely at the camera, clutching a beautiful baby girl with a shock of black hair to her chest. ‘Oh my, Ben, she is so, so lovely. They both are.’ As she looked back at the screen, a message notification flashed up, blocking the photo.

  Bella: Where the fuck are you?

  ‘Oh! You’ve got a message,’ she said, feeling embarrassed for him as she handed back the phone.

  Ben raised his eyebrows in surprise and took the phone from her. He read the message and flushed slightly.

  ‘Is everything OK, Ben?’ Freya asked gently, knowing that she needed to seize the opportunity.

  ‘Of course. Why wouldn’t it be?’ Ben was immediately on the defensive, his eyes flickering from side to side.

  ‘It’s just that … well, we haven’t seen you. Matt’s called you several times and you haven’t called him back. We haven’t even met Elodie yet. I just wondered if there’s something going on?’

  Ben’s face darkened. ‘Is that why you ambushed me?’

  Freya sighed. ‘Well, yes. How the hell else are we supposed to see you if you won’t return our calls? If you change your mobile number and don’t let us have the new one?’

  Ben’s eyes held hers for a moment, before sliding away. ‘I didn’t even know you’d called …’

  ‘Didn’t Bella mention it?’

  ‘No.’ Ben’s chewed the inside of his lip. ‘But she’s been a bit busy lately … it probably just slipped her mind.’

  Freya’s chest quivered with irritation. ‘Really? Only Matt’s called quite a few times. He’s so hurt, Ben.’

  ‘For fuck’s sake, he’s not five years old!’ Ben’s cheek pulsed and he tutted to himself.

  ‘OK.’ Freya stood up, her metal chair scraping on the tiled floor as she pushed it backwards. ‘I don’t know what’s going on with you, Ben, but you’re behaving like a dick. Frankly, I don’t give a damn if you don’t want to see me but the least you can do is give Matt a call back.’

  Ben looked up at her in surprise. ‘I will!’ he snapped. He ran his hand through his hair and sighed. ‘It’s just a bit hectic right now.’ He reached out to take her arm. ‘Don’t go like this, Frey, I’m sorry. Stay and finish your toastie.’

  Freya hesitated, before sitting back down. ‘Lots of sleepless nights, is it?’

  Ben nodded. ‘Yeah. She’s a good baby but they’re bloody hard work, you know?’ He gave a small, apologetic laugh. ‘I love being a dad but I hadn’t expected it to be so … draining. Honestly, it’s just relentless and the lack of sleep does get to you.’

  ‘I can only imagine.’ Freya could feel herself softening towards him again, glad that he was opening up a bit.

  ‘Bella’s coping brilliantly. But it gets lonely for her, at home on her own all day. She’s desperate for some adult company and for someone else to take over by the time I walk through the door. No matter how busy I’ve been at work, it’s nothing compared to the drudgery of looking after a baby all day.’

  Freya smiled sympathetically. ‘I’m sure. But I bet your mum and Bella’s mum have been a permanent fixture. That must be a big help.’

  ‘Hmmm.’ Ben looked away, clearly embarrassed. ‘Bella’s mum is around a bit but my mum’s keeping her distance. I think she’s worried about being seen as the archetypal interfering mother-in-law.’

  ‘Jo would never be that!’

  Ben pulled a wry face. ‘Not sure Bella would agree with you there.’

  A tiny alarm bell rang somewhere in a distant corner of Freya’s mind. ‘Do they not get on then?’ she ventured tentatively, wary of setting him off again.

  ‘No.’ Ben shook his head slightly. ‘There was … there was a bit of an argument at Christmas. Bella overheard Mum describing her a
s an attention-seeking little madam.’

  Freya tried to keep a straight face. It sounded like a perfect description of Bella to her. ‘Ouch.’

  Ben laughed. ‘Yeah, you could say that. It didn’t make for a very happy family Christmas, put it that way. We headed back to London there and then and we haven’t seen her since.’

  Freya gasped. ‘So she still hasn’t seen the baby?’

  Ben suddenly looked desperately sad. ‘No.’

  Freya was so shocked it took her a few moments to find her voice. ‘But … that must have been devastating for her. When is she going to see her?’

  ‘I’m not entirely sure. Bella’s insistent she won’t let her visit but she won’t let me take Elodie to see her alone either. Don’t think she trusts me to look after her by myself!’ He tried to laugh again but it seemed to dry in his throat.

  After another stunned silence, as she tried to digest his words, Freya shook her head and spoke: ‘Well, you obviously can’t carry on like this. Why doesn’t Jo just apologize?’

  Ben shrugged. ‘She’s tried. She’s phoned, sent a card, sent a text, but I think Bella was so hurt that she refuses to accept it.’

  Freya frowned. ‘Poor Jo.’

  ‘Poor Bella, you mean?’

  ‘No, actually, I don’t.’ Freya paused. ‘It’s really unlike Jo to have said something like that. What was the reason?’

  Ben shrugged. ‘She doesn’t seem to need a reason. She’s never liked Bella.’

  Freya shook her head fiercely. ‘No! That’s not true, Ben. Your mum is one of the nicest people I’ve ever met and she’s never said anything to suggest that she doesn’t like Bella. Something must have caused her to snap like that. Was she under a lot of stress at the time?’

  Ben pursed his lips, as if he was considering whether to say what he was about to say. ‘I suppose so. Emma had had a car crash and …’

  ‘Oh my God!’ Freya interrupted him, clamping her hand over her mouth. ‘Is she OK?’

  ‘Yeah, she’s fine.’ Ben batted her concern away with a wave of his hand. ‘Bit of a bump on her head and she was pretty shaken up.’

  ‘Well then!’ Freya cried. ‘Of course that’s the reason. It’s so out of character for Jo. Surely Bella can understand that? Especially now she’s got a little girl of her own! She must understand how upsetting it is for your child to be injured, however old they are …?’

  ‘I don’t know.’ Ben sounded weary. ‘She doesn’t seem to be in the mood for reconciliation anyway, so there’s not much I can do, is there?’

  ‘Oh come on, Ben! Are you honestly going to let one little comment come between you and your lovely mum? I just don’t understand it – you’ve always been so close.’ Freya could feel the tears threatening on Jo’s behalf. She just knew how devastated Jo would be feeling, especially to have been kept away from her first grandchild. It seemed so cruel.

  ‘Oh God, I know, it’s just that I feel a bit torn. Obviously, my loyalty has to be with Bella and Elodie right now.’

  Freya tried not to let her irritation show. ‘Of course it does. But you shouldn’t be put in a position where you have to choose between your mum and your wife. There’s room for both of them, surely?’

  Ben exhaled loudly. ‘To be honest, it’s not worth the grief I’ll get.’

  Freya could feel her eyes narrowing, despite trying to keep her expression neutral. ‘That’s why you’ve cut us off, too, isn’t it? Because Bella doesn’t like us?’

  ‘No!’ The defiance flashed back into Ben’s eyes.

  Freya shook her head sadly. ‘I should have known, after the last time we came round and she didn’t turn up.’

  ‘There was a very good reason for that and it had nothing to do with you coming round.’

  ‘Really?’ Freya couldn’t hide her scepticism.

  ‘Yes!’ Ben shot back crossly.

  ‘OK, if you say so.’

  There was a long, awkward pause. Around them, the café was filling up with lunchtime customers and the sound of clattering plates ricocheted from wall to wall with a jarring, discordant beat.

  ‘Look, Ben,’ Freya began, wondering how far she could push it. ‘All I’m saying is, it seems a real shame that you’ve suddenly stopped seeing your family and friends, when we were always so close. It was never like this when you were with Charlotte …’ She paused, knowing she was stepping onto dangerous territory.

  ‘Oh yeah, and look what all those years of being with Charlotte did for me!’ Ben snapped. ‘She dumped me, remember!’

  ‘I know. Believe me, she regrets that now.’

  Ben bit his lip, and looked out of the window onto the pavement beyond, where dozens of pedestrians danced balletically around one another, hurrying on their way. ‘Does she?’

  ‘Yes, of course she does. Her dad dying affected her really badly and she just had a bit of a panic. By the time she realized what she’d done, it was too late.’

  ‘How is she?’ Ben continued to stare out of the window as he spoke, trying to feign indifference.

  ‘She’s OK.’

  ‘Is she … is she still single?’

  Freya smiled. ‘Yes. Believe it or not, you’re quite a hard act to follow, Ben Gordon.’

  Ben gave a hollow laugh. ‘I thought she would end up with that guy, Luke, the one she worked with. She certainly talked about him a lot, just before we broke up.’

  Freya shook her head. ‘No, they were just friends. Still are. He’s with someone else.’

  Ben nodded and looked back at Freya. ‘It doesn’t matter now anyway.’

  ‘No,’ Freya agreed. ‘And she’s happy for you that you’ve moved on and that you and Bella have had a baby. She knows how much you wanted kids.’

  ‘Yeah, I think that was part of the problem. I did, she didn’t.’

  ‘It’s not quite that simple. It wasn’t that she didn’t want kids, I think she just wanted to be absolutely sure that you were the right one to have them with.’

  ‘Yeah, I get that. Oh well, it obviously wasn’t meant to be or it wouldn’t have gone wrong, would it?’ He stood up. ‘Anyway, I really need to be getting back to work.’

  Freya stood up too and they walked out of the café together. ‘It’s lovely to see you, Ben, I’ve missed you.’

  Ben reached down to hug her. ‘You too.’

  ‘And I know things are busy but will you give Matt a call when you get a chance?’

  Ben nodded. ‘Sure. ’Bye, Freya.’

  ‘’Bye,’ she called after him, realizing as he was swallowed up by the crowd that she should have asked for his new number. As she watched him go, already on his phone, presumably to explain his whereabouts to a furious Bella, she had a horrible feeling she wouldn’t be seeing him again for a very long time.

  Chapter Nine

  ‘So, what were you doing today that was so important you ignored my calls?’ Bella’s dark eyes blazed with a barely concealed fury.

  ‘I didn’t ignore your calls.’ Ben tried to eat his risotto but his mouth felt dry and it tasted a lot like cardboard. The atmosphere since he had walked through the door an hour ago had become increasingly icy. He knew if he told Bella the truth about his whereabouts when she was trying to get hold of him at lunchtime, it would only make things worse. ‘I was at work, Bella. I can’t just drop everything and take a personal call every time my phone rings. It’s unprofessional and it will get me into trouble. We can’t afford for me to lose this job.’

  Bella threw down her own fork with a clatter that made them both jump. ‘But what if it’s urgent? What if it’s something to do with Elodie?’

  ‘Well, then of course I will drop everything and come running. But it wasn’t about Elodie, was it?’

  Bella’s bottom lip started to tremble and Ben could feel himself physically having to squash down the impatience that was rising in his chest. Every time he even slightly challenged her, she either threw a tantrum or cried. It was becoming increasingly wearing.

  But, he
reminded himself sternly, she was a new mother and her emotions and hormones were running amok. He had to be patient with her. ‘Come on, sweetheart. Don’t get upset. You are doing a fantastic job with our gorgeous baby. I’m so proud of you.’

  Bella gave him a watery smile and wiped her eyes. ‘Thank you. I’m sorry for calling so often, it’s just that I get so bloody lonely sometimes. It’s really, really hard.’

  Ben reached out and took her hand in his. ‘Of course it is. I completely understand, darling. But … You don’t have to be lonely.’

  Bella took her hand away and sat up a bit straighter, as if anticipating what he was about to say.

  ‘I’m sure Mum is desperate to see Elodie and she’d be so happy to help out. To give you a bit of a break.’

  Bella pursed her lips and looked away.

  Ben took a deep breath. ‘Why don’t we invite her round? Come on, Bella, otherwise it’s a bit like cutting off your nose to spite your face.’

  Ben tried to read her expression. The fact that she hadn’t immediately jumped down his throat gave him a tiny scintilla of hope.

  ‘Maybe,’ she began, blinking slowly. ‘But you have to be here, too. I don’t want to see her on my own, just in case …’ She left her words hanging in the air.

  Ben nodded furiously, not caring what Bella was insinuating. ‘Of course I’ll be here. How about this weekend? Shall I ask them to come here then?’

  ‘Them? Invite your dad, too?’

  Ben frowned. ‘Well, yes. I’m sure he’s as desperate to meet his first grandchild as Mum is.’

  Bella looked away again, her expression unreadable. Finally, she shrugged nonchalantly. ‘I suppose so.’

  Ben felt giddy with elation. It hadn’t struck him until now how much the strain of being estranged from his family was affecting him. He missed them desperately and seeing Freya had reminded him that they weren’t monsters and that his mum had been under huge stress the day she snapped at Bella. And a tiny part of him also felt that maybe his mum had had a point. Bella had behaved like a spoilt child at Christmas with her strange behaviour.