by King Ellie
Jordan wasn’t making fun of her mother but showing me how her mother was crying. I turned to see the sad expression on my little girl’s face. She wasn’t eating her breakfast anymore, instead, she was staring at me as if she knew that I was the cause of her mother’s pain.
“I’m sorry that you had to see mommy crying like that. Did it make you sad?”
Jordan’s lower lip trembled, and she began to actually cry as she nodded.
“Yes, I’m sad cause Mommy is sad. Can I make her a picture at school today? I want mommy to laugh.” She cried even harder. Fuck.
I went over and picked Jordan out of her special seat holding her to me as she held onto me tight. I patted her back soothing her.
“Shhh, baby, don’t be sad. Daddy will make it better, he always does, doesn’t he?”
Jordan nodded.
“Yes, daddy.”
I turned my head kissing the side of her face.
“Hey, hey, don’t be sad okay? Daddy did something to make mommy sad and he’s going to make it better. We can draw mommy a picture together when you come back from school, how’s that?”
This got Jordan to stop crying. She lifted her little head to look me in the eye, I smiled at her wiping her tears. She smiled at me reminding me of Mila’s smile. Jordan hugged me tightly.
“Okay, daddy.”
I kissed her little shoulder,
“good. Now, let’s get you off to school so you can draw one special picture and then we’ll do one together. We can hang it up in your room, would you like that?”
“Mmhmm.” She nodded her head.
What was I doing to my family? Was I turning into my father? I hope not.
Mila
I missed the hell out of Kash and Jordan. I rubbed a hand over my face again for the umpteenth time. Here I was missing someone I was supposed to be upset at, yet I didn’t want to be without. What the hell was going on with me. I barely slept through the weekend and now, I wasn’t sure what I was going to do. When I first started packing, I knew what I was going to do. Leave Kash. But now, I was confused.
I just wanted my husband back. The man that spent his nights with me made sure that I was good above all else and when he needed me, he gave me the opportunity to be there. That was my problem. I missed being his best friend and woman that he loved. If this was something new, maybe I wouldn’t have reacted like this, but this wasn’t new. This had been going on for months on end. I tried to talk, to listen and be attentive to Kash but he was changing. The biggest argument that we had right before my birthday, I remember it as clear as though it happened a few hours ago.
“Mila!” Kash had yelled out my name. “I’m serious. I want another baby. Jordan is five now.”
He had just changed into his silk pajama pants that hung low on his body showing off his entire torso that was covered in ink art. No one knew how many tattoos Kash really had because he covered it up really well especially in court but once he wore a short-sleeve or removed his shirt, the body art was on display. He had a tribal tattoo covering up half of the right side of his chest, going over his shoulder and extending to the back. He had giant wings on his back and in the middle, it was my name and Jordan’s, he left the space for the other kids we were going to have. His lower torso had another tribal tattoo that was enticing that you had no choice but to look at it. His tribal tattoo extended to his sleeve on the right side that stopped mid-arm and on his left hand, he had roses with blackthorns, his mom’s favorite flowers.
I had laughed because I thought he was joking but clearly that hurt his feelings because he was staring at me like I had lost my mind.
“But… I mean, not right now, Kash. I just got my promotion.”
Kash stared at me for so long, you would think he zoned out.
“Okay and I opened my own practice when Jordan was born but I was still there, no?” He narrowed his eyes at me standing in the doorway of the en-suite bathroom. He placed his hands on his waist, “what is this really about, Mila?”
I sighed as I rolled my eyes,
“can you stop calling my name like that? Mila. Mila. Mila. There’s no need for the condescending tone, Kash.”
“Now, you’re just being fucking childish and trying to change the subject. Why the fuck don’t you want more kids? That is one thing we decided on when we got married. I told you that this was something I would never budge on, yet you want to act like I’m asking you to give me a kidney. You’re being really selfish right now, Mila.”
I felt like he had just smacked me. I stood from my sitting position on the bed.
“How am I selfish? I’m the most selfless woman you’ve ever had in your life. Don’t start that shit with me. I literally readjusted my life to be with you!” My voice was getting louder.
Kash widened his eyes,
“hold the fuck up,” Kash pointed at his chest. “Did I make you readjust any fucking thing in your life? I have never, in the time that we’ve decided to be together, told you to drop a fucking thing you’re doing to make me feel like a man. I know what the fuck I can bring to this table, bunny, don’t get that shit twisted, yeah? You can think you’re selfless, but you know I will never lie to you. I will always tell you the truth, whether you have a shitty attitude with me or not.”
I cocked a brow as I mimicked his earlier stance with my hands on my hips.
“You’re going to look me in the eye and tell me about my shitty attitude when yours reeks like a day-old dirty diaper. Fuck you, Kash. Don’t you ever make me feel some type of way about how I am.”
Kash had the nerve to laugh.
“Are you even listening to a word I’m saying? Stop nitpicking on certain words. When have I ever sugar-coated my shit when it comes to you. I tell you the absolute truth whether it’s fucked up or not and you do, well did the same.”
“I still do.”
Kash tilted his head causing his hair that was free and lacking hair products to fall in his face. He raked his fingers through it bringing it back.
“No, you don’t, because if you did you’d tell me why you don’t want to have more fucking kids especially when this is a big deal for me. What did I say when we were still getting to know each other? I TOLD you that it was a deal-breaker for me, and you swore up and down that you wanted the same. Now, you’re fucking sitting here telling me nothing…You’re such a.” Kash stopped himself and turned walking further into the bathroom.
My eyes widened.
“No, Kash please say what the fuck you were about to say. Show me more how you’re just like the man you hate.”
Kash spun so fast on his heel and glared at me with such disgust in his eyes.
“I AM NOT MY FATHER! I AM NOTHING LIKE THAT MAN!”
With that, he slammed the door in my face. I stepped closer to the door, knocking on it.
“Wait… Kash, I didn’t mean that. Look, can we just, discuss this later?”
Kash didn’t open the door at first but when he did, he wore that neutral expression he preserved for court.
“I have a case that’s going to keep me up all night. I’m going to be downstairs in my office. Goodnight, bunny.” He kissed the top of my head, but I felt no warmth, it was like he was on autopilot.
As he began to walk away, I grabbed his arm.
“Kash, wait…”
He snatched his arm out of my hand and glared at me.
“Don’t fucking touch me right now, Mila.”
With that he walked off, shutting the bedroom door so softly yet in my head, it was loud as hell.
Chapter Four
Kash
I buried myself in cases as soon as I got to the office. There was nothing else for me to even try and concentrate on that wouldn’t bring me back to thinking of Mila. I huffed as I sat back in my chair, picking up my cell and I pulled up her name. I began typing something but then I erased it, this had been happening for the whole weekend before I even came up with the simple text of just calling her nickname. I didn’t know wh
at to say that would bring her back to me. I loved this woman like something crazy so why was this happening to us.
When I first met Mila, there was nothing that could’ve stopped me from pursuing her. She was the most gorgeous woman in my eyes and even when she told me a million no’s I couldn’t stop wanting her. She didn’t say she didn’t want me, she said no because she wanted to concentrate on what she was doing. She wanted to get ahead in life and make a difference for herself. So that one day she could look her children in the eye and tell them that she did it. She made it against all odds. My uncle Graham, the hopeless romantic helped me out when it came to me proposing to her and when I married her, he walked her down the aisle.
My father wasn’t very fond of me being with her because of her mother but I didn’t care. I wasn’t listening to any advice he ever gave me. I’ll admit that my career choice was his doing but I ended up loving it. At first, with him, it was always, oh lawyer this then Judge that… At one point I thought I could regurgitate the constitution word for word but after the case with Mila’s mom, I became much more determined than before. When I married Mila, I told my father to get the fuck out of mine if he was going to be hateful. It was odd to me because he treated me like shit growing up, hating on the fact that I liked science fiction instead of finding whatever the fuck the other normal kids found interesting.
My father never physically put his hands on me instead he just threw verbal punishment at me. Making sure to let me know that my mother chose to walk out of my life because she didn’t want me. Every single day it was drilled in my head until I became old enough to drive and I went to go see my mother for myself. My father never kept my mother’s information hidden from me so when I drove to that address, it was a fucking mental asylum. At first, I was so convinced that my mother was put there by my dad but when I visited her and learned that she actually was checked in by her family, I insisted on seeing her. The doctor there told me that she was diagnosed with Factitious disorder or FDIS. The memory of seeing my mother, the one that birthed me yet shared nothing but cheekbones and facial structure in resemblance.
I had walked in there, sixteen years old and ready for answers.
“Mom?” I called out to her.
Which I should’ve never done. We were in her bland, yet colorful room full of her drawings. She was drawing roses with blackthorns with her crayons on the floor then she looked up at me.
“Wrong room, kid.”
She didn’t even bother saying anything else as she went back to her drawing.
“Are you Dawn Jamison?”
“Yep. What of it, Kid? I’m busy and who let you into my room anyway?”
“You don’t remember me? It’s me, mom. Kash. I know you don’t have a memory problem or out of your mind so why are you pretending like you don’t know me?”
My mother huffed, dropping her crayon on the floor as she stood up to look at me. She sized me up. Then she looked me in the eye,
“I don’t have a fucking son. I tried to kill that fucker a million times yet here YOU are! What do you want from me! You nearly put me in jail. Your stupid ass father saved you every time.” She narrowed her eyes at me then began laughing. “Aww, are you going to fucking cry, little Kash?”
She walked up to a frozen me. She held my face in her hands and I didn’t know what to do. We were the same height at that time.
“If you fucking cry, I’ll kill you this time. Your worthless father has nothing to give me except money to blow. Does he know you’re here? Get the fuck out before he cuts me off. You don’t have a mother. I never wanted you, but your father made me keep you and now, look at what that cost the both of us. I bet you’re a piece of shit just like him, huh?”
At this, I snapped out of it and yanked her hands away from my now teared up face. She continued to laugh at me.
“Fuck you,” I said to her, full of anger and emotion. “You’re just like him. You two deserve each other.”
She laughed harder then she controlled herself.
“For what it’s worth, you were dead, drowned in the tub for a minute or so when Rick found you and gave you CPR at five years old. After that I never saw you again and so to me, you’re dead. Get the fuck out and don’t ever come to see me again. I am not your mother.”
She gave me a cold, calculated look and went back to drawing as if I wasn’t there.
After that, the rage, the hurt, and the pain intensified. Every time I looked at the world, I saw red until I got help for my rage.
****
A knock on my door snapped me out of the memory that I never should’ve conjured up. I shouldn’t have been thinking about my mother. She didn’t want me so she wasn’t my mother but that little hurt boy inside of me will always call her that. I looked up from my cell with the unfinished text to see Graham leaning on my office doorway with a smirk on his face.
“You look like shit, Neph.” He chuckled as he walked into my office. “You also need a better receptionist.”
I rolled my eyes and chuckled.
“I have seen better days, Unc and she’s an intern and temporary. Dad wanted her to learn the ropes since she’s one of his judge buddy’s daughter. She’s not that bad, is she?” I shook my head at the realization that Janine sucked.
Graham sat at the chair right across from me.
“She’s horrible. If you weren’t married, I’d be convinced that she was fucking you for this job that doesn’t pay much on her end.”
My eyes widened.
“I would never. You know my work ethics plus I have a wife that I’m crazy about. Maybe a little too crazy about.”
I shook my head looking back down at my phone.
“Let’s go grab a drink and lunch, on me.” He said.
“I’m working a case, Unc.”
He laughed.
“You’re the fucking boss. You take breaks when you feel like it plus your favorite uncle is asking so let’s go.”
“You’re my only uncle that speaks to me after everything.”
I joined him in the laughter as we both stood to leave my office.
****
Lunch with my uncle wasn’t unpleasant. It never really is but I knew he was itching to say something, so I chugged my whiskey then got ready to hear him out.
“Say what the fuck you’ve got to say, Unc. I can see it’s itching your ass to say it anyway.”
Graham was in the middle of drinking his drink and he choked. I waited until he settled his coughing fit while he gave me the finger the entire time. Everyone around us looked at us like we were the biggest weirdos ever.
“I will get your ass back for this, neph. Keep playing.” He smiled as he chugged his water then wiped his mouth with the back of his hand as if he wasn’t taught proper table manners. “Anyways, why is your wife sleeping at a hotel and your ass is in your comfortable ass bed, huh?”
I worked my jaw for a second finding the proper way to explain this.
“I, I fucked up Unc.”
“Tell me something I don’t already know. Tell me what’s crawled up your ass and made you so cranky with her about having more babies.”
“It’s just… Unc, you know I’ve always wanted a lot of kids. I don’t mean like a whole team, but I want more than one. I want Jordy to have siblings. To grow up with a sister or a brother or both who can support her and always be there. I just don’t ever want her to feel like no one has her back.”
Graham nodded.
“You’re projecting right now though. Jordy isn’t you, you’re not your father and Mila is definitely not your fucking mother. You both love Jordy with all your hearts. You and Mila are good people who love each other.”
I looked down at my now empty drink.
“I don’t think she loves me anymore Unc.” I worked my jaw again, a mechanism I picked up to stop myself from random outbursts. “She wants to be done with me, but I can’t do that Uncle Graham. I can’t let her go.”
“Shit,” Graham said. “When you call
me Uncle Graham, it means only one thing, you’re in a bad headspace. Listen to me, Kash. That girl loves the fuck out of you, and she isn’t going anywhere. I need you to get out of that headspace, I told you, your mother isn’t a woman worth loving. You did your best. You loved her but she left you broken. Let her and your father go. He may be my older brother, but he is a fucktard. You, Kash Emerson, are only theirs by being born into this world. After that, there’s nothing in your veins that is theirs. You are an amazing father, an even greater husband. You just need to work on going back to being the man that Mila fell for or rather be better than that one. That idiot thought Mila shitted out rainbows and glitter but you, now, the family man that you’ve become, that’s who needs to love Mila. She’s just as broken as you are. She may not speak it out loud but deep down, I know why she’s scared to have more kids.”
I tilted my head.
“What reason could that possibly be? I know she’s using her promotion as a crutch. I would never take anything away from her either. I would support her in every way as I always have.”
Graham leaned in as if he were telling me a big secret.
“She’s just like you, Kash. She thinks she’s the product of her parents. One who’d go as far as killing a man to protect herself and the other, who would just up and leave without ever looking back. I’m going to tell you what I told Mils, you are not her father. You are her husband, the man who dedicated and promised to be there for her no matter what. You’re more than a father who abandoned her and a stepfather who should’ve never been given that title in the first place.”
I had nothing more to say. All I could do was think about Graham’s words.
Mila
“Kash is not your father. He is your husband, the man who dedicated and promised to be there for you no matter what. He’s more than the father who abandoned you and the stepfather who you, should’ve never given that title to. He didn’t protect you or make you feel safe. He made your mother chose a future that she couldn’t survive from. It isn’t fair Mils; nothing ever is but it doesn’t mean you can’t change the outcome of shit that’s going on with you…”
