by King Ellie
Graham’s words rang true to me and I didn’t know what to do. After work, I packed my stuff, checked out of the hotel and got home. I didn’t know what I was going to do but I had to figure it out. When I got home, luckily for me, Jordan was already in bed. I wasn’t in the mood to put up pretenses of what was going on. I was tired and wanted to sleep in a bed, but I knew in the back of my mind that it wouldn’t be my own. When I walked into the master bedroom, there my husband was, asleep already. I knew that he had come home early to be with Jordan, it made me happy that he was here for her. I softly placed my suitcase in our walk-in closet and when I came back out, Kash had his eyes open watching me. He didn’t say anything, he just watched me as if I wasn’t real.
“I’m going to the guestroom.”
Kash shut his eyes and ran a hand over his face.
“Baby, what is happening to us?”
His question weighed on me like crazy. Lately, all I wanted to do was cry.
“I don’t know, Kash.”
I turned to leave and the defeat in his voice had me weak in my knees.
“It feels like I’m losing you, bunny. I can’t lose you. Please, tell me how to make it right. I’d do anything for you. You know that right, bunny? I love you, Mils. I’ll always love you. I’m never going anywhere you don’t want me to go.”
I sighed. I reached out for the doorknob holding firm knowing that I wanted to run to my husband but at the same time, I was just so damned sad.
“Kash, please.”
“Do you love me, Mila? Do you still love me?”
At his question, I turned to face him. He was still lying in bed looking straight at the closet entry and not at me.
“I’ll always love you, Kash.”
“So then, why? Why is everything falling apart? This isn’t us.”
This brought my spirits down even more. His words were shackling me, and I didn’t understand why.
“I don’t know Kash.”
I wanted to repeat that he needed to listen again, but I was tired of sounding like a broken record. I left the room and cried my way into the guestroom.
****
That night, I didn’t fall asleep as good as I wished I could. This wasn’t a one-day thing, instead, it became a month where I couldn’t find myself in my husband’s arms. I just couldn’t make myself go back to him I didn’t know what was wrong with me or what was going on. I was just sad all the time, I wanted to cry and the only thing that gave me focus was work. Even when it came to being with Jordan, I wasn’t as playful as I used to be. The nightmares that I kept having made my days harder to concentrate. They became relentless ever since my birthday and when everything unfolded. I didn’t know what was going on with me. I felt on edge like the big monster from my dream would come out and devour me.
I bounced my leg up and down as I waited for the doctor to come back in the room for my results. Something was wrong with me. I don’t know if it was physically or emotionally, but I was losing weight, I wasn’t hungry anymore and all I wanted to do was be sad and alone in my room.
“Mrs. Emerson,” my doctor finally walked back in and sat down at his desk. “Congratulations, you’re pregnant but we do need to double-check your blood and sugar levels. You’re losing a lot of weight and that will be a concern for the baby. Definitely getting those prenatal vitamins will help too.”
After that, I didn’t hear a word he said. All I heard was a loud ringing in my ear as his mouth continued to move yet I didn’t hear anything else. I stood walking out of his office, not even paying attention to what was going on.
My day continued on as I was on autopilot. Nothing made sense to me when I got home, I sat there staring blankly at the tv in the living room. When did I even get here? I looked down at my outfit, when did I change?
I heard a door slam in the background. Kash was home but I couldn’t get myself up to hide out in my room but clearly, I didn’t have to because he stomped up and stood in front of me with a red-faced Jordan. I blinked at our daughter. Where was she this whole time? Was she with Cherise?
“Jordy, baby, go upstairs and wait for daddy in your room while I talk to mommy. Can you do that for me, big girl?”
Jordan’s tears fell down her face. She looked at her father then at me.
“Yes, daddy. Mommy, where were you? I waited for you.” She began crying again.
“On second thought,” Kash picked up Jordan and walked off with her but before he was out of earshot, I heard him. “We’ll talk.”
Talk about what?
I didn’t even know how long it took until Kash came back. He stood in front of me, his face was so full of anger, I wasn’t sure what happened this time.
“What did you do with your day today?” He asked.
I tilted my head.
“Not much. Just work.”
Kash was visibly trembling at this point, the rage must’ve been on ten today.
“Work,” he bit out harshly. “You took off work because Cherise wasn’t going to be here today, and I had court until later today. How could you forget, Mila?”
“I didn’t forget anything.” I snapped at him. My mood changing so fast, I was dizzy.
“YOU FORGOT OUR DAUGHTER! MILA! You left my child crying for hours while they tried to reach not just you but for me. I didn’t know until Jamie came to the courthouse and told me that my FUCKING child hadn’t been picked up for hours. Larissa and Channing aren’t in town so they couldn’t even be there. How could you! Mila.”
Kash exploded and the moment he did, I didn’t know what to do. I began crying not sure what to do. Kash blinked rapidly confused by my outburst. He took a step back as he watched me not sure if he should touch me or not.
“I think something is wrong, Kash. Something is wrong with me.” I just let loose. “Everything is making me sad. I hate my life, myself. I don’t know why Jordy doesn’t need me anymore. She can do everything by herself. She only wants to do things with you!” I harshly said to him. “You’re ruining my life. You’re the problem! You don’t love me, Kash. You hate me and it’s all your fault.”
“What?” He was visibly confused. Gone was the anger and here to stay was confusion. He looked at me like I was crazy.
I stood from the couch.
“Don’t fucking look at me like that Kash. You did this on purpose. You got me pregnant just because you wanted another baby. You wanted this to happen. Well, guess what, I’m not keeping it. I don’t want this baby! I don’t want it! I don’t want it! I want an abortion!” I screamed out.
I gasped at my outburst. There was something definitely wrong with me. This wasn’t me.
Kash stood in front of me, shocked to his core then his eyes moved from me to behind me. I turned seeing Jordan’s fear-stricken face as she watched me act like a madwoman in front of her father.
“Jordy… Baby, Mommy’s sorry for yelling.”
I took a step towards Jordan and she ran past me hiding behind her father’s leg. I blinked. Not sure what was happening. I looked up at Kash, he watched me cautiously as he calmed Jordan by stroking her hair.
“Kash…something’s wrong.” I began crying.
I shut my eyes and then I felt his strong arms around me as he held me.
“Shhh, bunny. I know, I know. We’ll find out what’s wrong okay?” He soothed me. He kissed my head and rubbed my back. “Please, don’t cry, bunny. Shhh, it’s okay.”
Chapter Five
Kash
Perinatal Mood Disorder.
It was like postpartum, except this could happen when your child is four years old. For Mila, Jordan is five. There aren’t enough research done that could conclude and help besides the obvious, therapy and medication. Mila had been going five years undiagnosed and now, the severity of it escalated.
After doing the proper tests and anxiously waiting as Mila got a psychiatrist, we finally found out what was going on or rather wrong with her as she said. My heart ached for her, all the fight left my body when she
first told me that she was pregnant in an outburst and on top of that, she wanted an abortion. I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t force her to keep this baby but at the same time, I knew that the moment she got the abortion, I would be done. It tore me apart because she was the love of my life and the only woman that I saw having the next Emerson clan.
I waited in the waiting room while she had her now weekly sessions. Things were harder now because I didn’t want to keep Jordan from her but after that outburst, Jordan was cautious around her mother. I know that Mila noticed because I heard her crying in her room, I wanted to go inside and soothe her pain, but she would lock the door as if she was afraid of me. I knew her nightmares had gotten worse because I heard her screaming out at night for her momma but all I could do was sit there and wait outside the door until she fell back asleep. I wanted to comfort my wife but that wasn’t going to happen anytime soon. I had no choice but to wait until she was ready for me to do just that.
We had yet to talk about what we were going to do with the pregnancy. The receptionist called my name getting my attention.
“Sorry?” I knew I didn’t hear a damn word.
“Dr. Harrison says you can come in now.”
“Thanks.”
I knew that this was important not just for Mila but for our entire family. I couldn’t save us all alone, we had to do it together. Her psychiatrist told her that having a family at her sessions and involving them would help her.
****
During the beginning of the session, I was silent, not sure when I should even jump in. I know that the biggest thing that Mila kept shouting at me about was that I needed to listen to her. I couldn’t help but come to the conclusion that if I had only been listening to her then I would’ve been able to tell the signs. There must’ve been some sort of cry for help and I missed it. How could I miss a change going on with my family?
“Mr. Emerson, can I call you Kash?” Dr. Harrison got my attention.
I turned to face her. She was a woman in her fifties, with her hair up in a tight bun. Her bright eyes probed at mine trying to see more than the surface.
“Yes, you can call me Kash.”
She smiled. Politely.
“Okay, great. Now, Mila and have been doing a couple of sessions alone but I encouraged her to come with her family.”
I began bouncing my leg up and down. Dr. Harrison’s eyes went straight to my leg and I stopped.
“Yeah, I’m here.”
“How are you, Kash?”
“Huh?”
I was perplexed by why the question was directed towards me; it wasn’t about me.
“Seems like no one has asked you that question. How are you doing?”
I quickly glanced at Mila who sat in a lone chair instead of the lover’s sofa. She was doing that more. Not letting me touch her. She didn’t want my hands on her body, the only time I was able to hug her was the first time she flipped out and lost her shit in the house. After that, nothing. We were never alone in a room together and all I wanted to do was just touch my wife, feel her skin against mine. Even right now, she couldn’t make herself look at me instead she was staring at a painting.
“Kash…” Dr. Harrison called my name again.
“Oh. I’m alright, I guess.” Shrugging my shoulders didn’t warrant the satisfaction I thought it would.
“How are you coping with everything?”
My brows furrowed in confusion of these questions.
“What do you mean?”
“Mila feels like you don’t really speak with her or look at her the same. Why is that, Kash?”
The leg bounce began again as I scratched my scalp. My brows contorted once more.
“What? Ho-. This doesn’t make any sense. She won’t let me touch her.”
“That’s not true.”
Those were the first words that Mila had said to me in days.
Dr. Harrison put her palm up.
“Now, Mila, hold on. Let Kash say and express himself. This is a safe space, remember?”
Mila nodded at Dr. Harrison.
“I’m sorry.”
I scoffed not sure who it was directed at. Right now, I wondered why I never picked up smoking, it would definitely help, and my leg would stop bouncing. Dr. Harrison stared at my leg for a bit then she looked at me.
“Tell me, Kash, why did you say Mila won’t let you touch her? She says it’s not true. Explain to me what touching her would help with?”
I ran a hand down my face then through my hair as it came back covering my forehead and almost obscuring my eyes from Dr. Harrison’s scrutiny.
“I want to help her doc. I want my wife to stop hurting and stop feeling like we don’t love her. I love her with all my heart, and I’d do anything for her but she’s scaring me. I don’t want to lose my wife but I’m at a crossroad right now.”
She tilted her head.
“What crossroad, Kash?”
I sniffed, a bad habit of mine when I was agitated.
“Can I be honest here, bare it all? You said it’s a good thing to do, yeah?”
Dr. Harrison nodded.
“Alright.” I couldn’t look at Mila as I said what was really on my heart. “What has been going on this whole time in my head is that she said it was my fault. That I got her pregnant on purpose. I would never do that to her. She was always first. The main priority and yes, I wanted more kids, but I would’ve never forced her. That’s why we were having so many arguments. I wanted to understand so that my mind could make sense of it. But, now she’s pregnant and all I could think about is how much she wants to abort this baby. Now, don’t get me wrong. She is entitled to make any and every decision on her own body but what about me? What if I don’t want her to go through with it? What about my opinion? Or how I feel? Does that matter at all? I’m not taking this away from her or what she is experiencing. I could never begin to even comprehend the strong will it took for bunny, I mean, Mila to only start showing drastic symptoms now. Your words, not mine. But I just, I don’t know… I don’t want to lose either of them… I want my wife, and my kid but in every scenario, I’m losing.”
I felt the tears as they trekked down my face. I swiped at them. When was the last time I fucking cried? Oh yeah, when my fucking mother told me she never wanted me. I didn’t want to be my old man. I worked so hard not to be him but now, I was in that same predicament. I wanted to have a fair chance to say something for this seed that may never get to meet me. I stood, wiping my tears, I sniffled.
“I can’t do this shit right now.”
With that, I walked out. I didn’t have to wait for Mila because she drove here saying that being in the same car as I was suffocating her too. I clenched and unclenched my fists as I rode the elevator all the way to the main floor. I needed to smash something so instead of heading towards my firm, I went in the opposite direction; home to the only place I could think clearly, my swimming pool.
Mila
When I got back home, Kash and Jordan were spread out on the living room floor. Jordan had her arts and crafts out while they laid on a sheet that protected our hardwood floor from Jordan’s mishaps. Today, wasn’t as bad as yesterday neither was it too bad even though Kash walked out of the session. Dr. Harrison made me analyze Kash’s emotions and get a read on what was going on. I thought as she did, positively and that Kash wasn’t actually mad at me. He was just frustrated because he didn’t know how to help me. She encouraged me to talk but the moment I opened my mouth, I closed it back up. I turned to leave but Jordan calling my name out, caused me to turn back. I missed her little voice.
“Mommy! Look what me and daddy did for you!” She jumped from her position.
I analyzed Kash as Dr. Harrison said to do. He glanced at me then looked back down concentrating on whatever drawing he was doing with Jordan. His body language told me all I needed to know. He was tense, his face was kept on neutral as though he didn’t want me to know what he was feeling. I stared at him wishing he could jus
t hold me one more time. I couldn’t deny that I loved him but sometimes, I looked in the mirror and just felt like I wasn’t good enough for him or Jordan. He didn’t get it; how could we bring another child into this world when I was such a horrible mother? He saw it, didn’t he?
Look at me, Kash. Call me your bunny, one more time. I just need to see you.
As if he heard me, Kash peered up at me. He clenched his jaw; this man was the epitome of perfection. He was so beautiful to me. A beautiful yet flawed man and I couldn’t help but be hopelessly in love with him. Kash didn’t look away as I thought he would, he just watched me and the look in his eyes transformed from neutral to desire. The fact that he still desired me was something that in the back of my mind I knew yet I was still shocked by it. Kash licked his lips, his telltale sign that he was turned on. I opened my mouth one more time but the words I wanted to say to him, didn’t leave.
“Mommy!” Jordan called out to me, this time she slipped her little hand in mine.
The contact shocked my system. I held on to her little hand as I looked down at her. Tears were in my eyes as I looked at my baby girl. She was perfection like her father. So beautiful in her own way. Her hair had gotten longer as it was in its natural curly state. So full of life something I wanted to resemble. She had on her old tie-dyed tutu and an old shirt that I was sure once belonged to her dad. He had tied it tight behind her.
“Jordy…” I called her name out.
My baby looked up at me, confused by my sudden change of emotion. I looked at Kash, he watched me cautiously as if afraid that something would happen with Jordan. Did he not trust me with her? Did he think I would ever hurt her?
“Go head, Jordy, show mommy what you made her.” Kash’s voice infiltrated my thoughts and I looked up at him as he started cleaning up. “I’ll take care of this; you go to her room and see what she did.”
For the first time in a while, I gave Kash a small smile, but he had already turned away from me. He didn’t get to see that I appreciated that he trusted me with our daughter. Jordan pulled me away from her father as he stayed behind. I turned one more time to look his way before turning the corner to the hall and he was looking right at me. This brought me back to a time when Kash’s eyes were always on me. He loved just watching me, it wasn’t unsettling or anything because the gaze filled with admiration in his eyes was so apparent. Kash wore his emotions on his sleeves so whether he was upset, beyond angry, turned on or just plain old in love, you could see it.
