Hanging by a Moment (Keeping Score #2)

by Tawdra Kandle

  Her eyes flared. “That’s a horrible thing to say, Leo.”

  “It may be, but it’s true. Isn’t that what Nate always says? Don’t waste time not telling the truth. Well, there’s my truth, Quinn. I think you’re making the biggest fucking mistake of your life. And it is killing me.”

  She sighed. “I know that. I would give anything for you not to be hurting, Leo. But I can’t give Nate what he needs without taking away what you want. I wish I could make you both happy, but it seems like that’s always been an impossibility. And right now, Nate needs me more than you do. You have your friends, football and years of life ahead of you. Nate has me, and that’s it.”

  I snorted. “Nothing’s promised us, is it? You think I have years of life ahead, but who’s to say I don’t get hit by a bus tomorrow?”

  “Shut up.” Quinn spoke through clenched teeth. “Leo, how can you say that? Do you not see that I’m going through hell, too? Can’t you give me a little fucking break, and maybe try not to make this harder on me than it already is?”

  “I’m sorry.” In the face of her anguish, my own anger retreated. “Mia, I’m sorry. I’m just torn up over all of this. You and Nate. Matt. Why do things have to be like this?”

  “Because life’s not fair, Leo. It never was, and it never will be. We take the good things and give thanks, and we help each other through the shitty stuff. That’s all we can do.” She looked so sad, so tired, that I only wanted to pull her into my arms and hold her. Offer her comfort and maybe a little distraction.

  “Mia.” I touched her face, gladness swelling in my heart when she leaned into my hand, turning so that her lips pressed my palm. “Come with me. I know this house. There’re rooms—I know where the bedrooms are. No one will notice. I need you, Mia. I need you so much.”

  For a second, I thought she might actually agree, and then she shook her head. “Leo, are you insane? We’re at a funeral. I’m not sneaking upstairs with you for sex. Not to mention the fact that you and I aren’t together anymore, and I’m engaged to someone else. To Nate.”

  “But can he give you what I can, Mia?” I dropped to my knees in front of her, bracketing her ribs with my hands. “When he kisses you, does your heart speed up? When he touches you here . . .” I palmed her tit, smiling a little when her mouth fell open. “Does it send a spark right down to your center? And when you hear him say your name, does your pussy get wet?”

  “Stop, Leo.” She pushed against my shoulder, but her hand didn’t use any real pressure, and there was still indecision in her voice. I capitalized on that, raising up and kissing her, open-mouthed, pouring all of my longing and pain into that connection.

  “No.” She twisted away, and tears filled her eyes. “Please, Leo. Don’t do this. I can’t tell you no. If you . . . if you keep pushing, I’m going to give in. I’ll let you take me up there to an empty bedroom and fuck me silly. I’ll let you do anything you want to me. I can’t tell you no. But please. It’ll destroy me, after. I won’t be able to live with myself. Please don’t ask me to do that.”

  She was tearing me up, ripping out my heart, and I couldn’t do it. I sat back on my haunches and gazed up into her tormented eyes.

  “Okay. All right, baby. I’m sorry.” I held her hands. “But just so you know. I wasn’t asking you to go upstairs so I could fuck you. I want to make love to you, the way I always did. The way we always did. It was never just sex with us, Mia. It was always love. Every single time.”

  She nodded. “I know.”

  Because I was a fucking masochist, I asked the question I dreaded. “Does he . . . have you and Nate . . . do you . . . sleep together?”

  Pain and embarrassment crossed her face. “You shouldn’t ask that, Leo. And I sure as hell shouldn’t answer it.” When I didn’t say anything, she rolled her eyes. “No, okay? No. We’re not having sex. Nate can’t, uh—it’s a side effect of the disease and the treatments. I mean, I can touch him, but he can’t maintain . . .” Quinn’s face was bright red. “I don’t want to talk about this. It’s not fair to Nate.”

  “All right. Sorry.” But I really wasn’t, because knowing Nate wasn’t having sex with Quinn was the best news I’d had in months. I knew for a fact that I was the only guy Quinn had ever been with. The idea of anyone else making love to her, even Nate, when she was going to be his wife, absolutely killed me. I felt bad for Nate, of course, but at the same time, I was fucking relieved for myself.

  “Leo, you’re going to come, right? To the wedding?” She bit the side of her lip. “I really want you there, but I understand if you don’t want to.”

  I forced a smile. “If you want me to be there, and if Nate’s okay with it, of course I’ll be at your wedding.” I stood up, releasing her hands. “Anything for you, Quinn. Remember that. Anything for you. No matter what.”

  Yeah. Like I’d said. Fucking masochist.

  Senior Year

  May

  My wedding day dawned clear and warm. I was awake as the sun rose over the ocean, sitting up in bed to watch the colors spread over the blue water and shoot rays of gold onto the sand. Today was the happiest day of my life, and I wasn’t going to miss a single minute of it.

  My mother had worried that having both graduation and the wedding in the same week would be too much for me, but I knew that nothing was going to stand in the way of me marrying Quinn. I briefly considered not walking at that ceremony, just sitting in the audience to cheer for Quinn, Gia, Tuck and Zelda, but it was important to my parents that I walked onto the stage to receive my diploma. I wanted to give them every memory I could, because I knew they were going to need those someday soon.

  We’d driven down to the shore the day after graduation, and I’d settled into the same bedroom where I always slept. Quinn popped in now and then, bringing me updates about how preparations were progressing. I could hear voices rising and falling, and I knew Carrie and my mom were cooking, but I stayed put in bed, resting so that I was sure to be strong enough for the big day.

  Of course, not everyone was as blissful as I was. Carrie walked around with a tight smile on her face, and I’d noticed she couldn’t quite look me in the eye. Quinn had told me that her mother was less than happy about our decision. I understood that, but I didn’t have time to worry about it. I knew Carrie was trying to understand, out of her love for both my parents and me, but seeing her only daughter marry a man whose death sentence hung heavy on his head couldn’t have been easy.

  And then there was Gia, who had turned into a nearly-silent shadow of her former self in the weeks after Matt’s suicide. She never smiled or reacted. She showed up where she had to, and she responded to questions when she was forced to do so. But beyond that, she was almost a zombie. I knew Quinn was worried about her, and I missed her bouncy laughter.

  We weren’t doing a rehearsal or anything else that might wear me out prematurely. The ceremony was going to take place in the living room, with just our families and close friends present. Gia and Zelda were both maids of honor for Quinn, and I’d asked Tuck to be my best man.

  “Hey, sure. Just don’t ask me to stand up for you.” He’d winked at me, smirking, and I smiled back, thinking that Eli Tucker sure did seem happier these days. I was pretty sure I knew why, too.

  Leo would be there, as well. I’d asked Quinn if she thought his feelings would be hurt if I didn’t have him as my best man, and an odd expression had crossed her face.

  “No, I think he’ll understand.”

  We didn’t talk about Leo much anymore. I wasn’t stupid; I was fully aware that Quinn still loved him. I knew they were still in love. If I were an unselfish guy, the type who only wanted to see his best friends be happy, I’d have released Quinn from her engagement to me and told them both that seeing them together would be enough for me. But I wasn’t that guy, and honestly, I wasn’t certain they were capable of being happy together. I wasn’t convinced that Leo understood yet what Quinn needed.

  But he was enough of a friend to be in the
room when his two best friends tied the knot, no matter how he really felt about it, and I had to respect him for that. He’s been drafted by the Richmond Rebels in the first round back in April, and I knew he was excited to play for them. His graduation had been three days before ours, so he’d made it up in time to cheer the four of us across the stage.

  Everyone had plans for the future, it seemed. Leo had football, Tuck was going into teaching, Zelda had gotten a job with a non-profit farm-to-table group, Gia was going to grad school and Quinn had been offered a position with an on-line news agency. She’d be able to work from home, which was a relief. The only one of us who didn’t have a job or a plan was me; my only focus would be living as long as I could and making Quinn happy.

  My dad came into my room around nine the morning of the wedding, carrying my suit. “Hey, hey, I thought I was going to have to wake you up. You ready for some breakfast, bud? Mom’s making up a tray.”

  I swung my legs over the side of the bed. “I can come out and eat with everyone else. She doesn’t have to bring it to me.”

  “Nope. All the women folk say you need to stay put, so you don’t see the bride before it’s time. Bad luck and all that, you know.”

  I snorted. “Dad, all due respect, I don’t think luck has anything to do with this whole deal. Unless it’s in making sure I stay alive through the ceremony.”

  My father frowned. “Are you feeling that bad, Nate?”

  “No.” I shook my head. “I was making a joke. Sorry. Dark humor.”

  “Oh, yeah. Ha.” He sat down on the edge of the bed with me. “You’re sure you want to go through with this, right? I mean, there’s no shame in changing your mind.”

  “Dad.” I leveled a glance at him. “This is the one and only thing in my life that I’m sure about. I want to live the last part of my life as Quinn’s husband. I haven’t made much of my twenty-two years, but if I can say Quinn Russell was my wife, I’ll die a happy man. I know that doesn’t make sense to anyone else. But it does to me, and it does to Quinn.”

  “I understand, Nate. I’m just checking.” He paused. “Leo got here last night.”

  “Ah.” Something ugly twisted in my gut that had nothing to do with my disease. I didn’t want to think the worst of the two people closest to me, but . . . “Did they . . . was Quinn . . .”

  “She behaved exactly as you’d expect a girl getting married the next day to behave. She was happy to see him, and Lisa and Joe, too. But she didn’t go off alone with him, if that’s what you’re wondering. She slept in her room, with Gia and Zelda.”

  “It’s okay, Dad. I trust Quinn. I was just. . .” I shrugged. “Curious, I guess. It’s hard being stuck in here and just hearing everything going on out there.”

  “No one’s making you stay in bed. You can come out any time you want.” He grinned. “Except now, of course. Now you’re a prisoner until it’s time to say I do.”

  “I wanted to save all my energy. I didn’t want anything to possibly go wrong with today.”

  “I get it.” My father gazed over my shoulder, out the window. “I wanted to talk to you about tonight, Nate. About your wedding night.”

  “Uh huh. I think I’ve got that covered, Dad. But thanks.”

  “Have you and Quinn talked? Does she know about your limitations?”

  I fucking hated that word. Limitations. “Yes, Dad, she knows. She knows that I’m physically unable to have penetrative sexual intercourse.” My voice held a tinge of derisive mocking.

  “But you know, son, you can still . . . bring each other pleasure.”

  “Dad.” I laid a hand on his arm. “I know. I did research, and I talked to Dr. Randall. I know what I’m doing.”

  He nodded. “Okay. Well, then, I’ve done my fatherly duty. I’m going to go get on my suit, and then I’ll be back in a little while to help you with anything you might need. If you do need anything.”

  “Thanks, Dad.” I closed my hand around his arm to keep him from moving away. “Really. I appreciate everything you and Mom have done, and I appreciate you understanding why I need to do this. Thank you, for just—everything.”

  His throat worked, and his lips pressed together. “Nate, I hope you know we’d do anything to make you happy. Anything. You’re our son, and we—” He shook his head again.

  “I know that, Dad. I know.”

  At high noon on the Saturday after we’d graduated from college, I saw my every dream come true when I married Quinn Russell.

  The ceremony was brief but filled with meaning. I hardly heard a word of it, because I couldn’t take my eyes off my beautiful bride.

  Quinn wore a short light pink sundress, with flowers in her hair. Her eyes were clear and steady, and when the minister pronounced us man and wife, she kissed me with warmth.

  We celebrated afterwards with barbecued chicken and a variety of cold summer salads, because those were my favorites. Carrie had made a cake, and Quinn and I sliced it together before we fed each other the first bite.

  My father lifted a glass of champagne and made a toast, and we all got tears in our eyes when he mentioned Bill, and how much we missed him. It made me wonder if Quinn would have married me, if her father were still alive; would Bill have understood? Or would he have talked her out of it?

  And then it was my turn to speak. “I told my dad earlier how much I appreciate what he and my mom have done to get me to this day. That goes for all of you. For all the really crappy stuff that I’ve had to deal with in my life, I’ve been blessed by having all of you as my family. We don’t all share blood, but we share a bond that goes even deeper, and that has made every day of my life better. Fuller.

  “Today has been perfect for me, because marrying Quinn is all I’ve ever wanted. I know you don’t all understand the whys of that, but you’re here anyway.” My eyes traveled over every face, resting briefly on Leo’s. He returned my gaze, and there was no acrimony or accusation there. Only a sort of sad resignation. “That means a lot. You know I don’t like to fudge on the truth. And the truth is, before the year is out, you’ll probably all be gathered again, this time to say good-bye to me. What sucks is that I won’t be able to be there, to hear all the sweet things you’re all going to say.”

  Across the room, my mom gave a half-sob, half-laugh, and my father pulled her against his side.

  “So I look at today as not only my wedding day, but as our last big celebration. Being here with all of you is almost the best thing ever.” I lifted Quinn’s hand to my lips. “But the absolute best part of today is that now I can call this beautiful woman, the best person I’ve ever known in all my life, mine. My wife.”

  There was a smattering of applause, and I kissed Quinn. Just because I could.

  I lay in bed at the end of my most perfect day ever, staring out the window at the stars that dotted the black velvet of the sky. I was tired, but not exhausted; I was glad that I’d paced myself all day.

  I was even happier about that when Quinn came into our room. She wore a long white nightgown, with her hair in a dark cloud around her face. The lights were out in the bedroom, but my eyes were used to the dark, and I could see her clearly.

  “Hi.” She sat down on the edge of the bed.

  “Hey.” I shifted over, flipping back the sheets. “Slide under.”

  She slipped her feet beneath the covers and settled back. I put my arm around her, pulling her against my chest. Her hair tickled my nose, and I breathed in her tantalizing scent.

  “You know we don’t have to do anything tonight, right? We can just sleep.” Her voice sounded muffled. “I know you must be tired.”

  “Not that tired.” I swallowed hard and skimmed the back of my fingers down her arm, stopping when my arm brushed over her breasts. Her nipple reacted, coming to a hard point, and I felt myself harden.

  What I wouldn’t have given to roll over her body and make love to her fully, to sink myself into her softness and be one with her. I felt so omnipotent today, so fully myself, that I was
tempted to try. What stopped me was the fear that it wouldn’t work, that I’d be so mortified, I’d ruin tonight for us.

  So I didn’t even think about it. Instead, I cupped her boob and circled the nipple with my thumb. She was holding herself very still, and I couldn’t tell what she was thinking.

  “If I do anything wrong, just tell me. I only want to make you feel good.” I shifted a little, my heart thudding as I lowered my mouth to suck her nipple into my mouth, soaking the cotton of her nightie as I did. Quinn sucked in a quick breath, but she didn’t pull away.

  “Nate.” She whispered my name. “Can I touch you? Is that okay?”

  I nodded. “I’m not sure I’ll last long, but yeah. Please.”

  Quinn brushed her hand down over my stomach, pausing at the waistband of my boxers. Her fingers shook a little as she moved her hand underneath, and I held my breath. When her fingers closed over my cock, it was the most incredible feeling I’d ever had. My hips began to pump of their own accord, everything in the world diminishing to a narrow tunnel. My balls tightened and then everything exploded as I cried out her name.

  In some important ways, I was a normal twenty-two-year old male. Over the years, I’d jerked off plenty . . . usually to thoughts of the woman whose hand was now stroking me down. But having her bring me to climax, even when it had taken mere seconds, was mind-boggling. I wanted that every day, for the rest of my life.

  And I wanted to do the same thing for her.

  “Quinn, let me make you feel good.” It was hard for me to hold myself over her, but I could lay next to her and touch her. “Please. Let me do this. Let me be your husband in this way, at least.”

  She seemed to draw back a little, and then, finally she nodded. “Okay.”

  I wasn’t smooth. I didn’t have finesse. Quinn—my wife—was the first girl I’d touched like this. My hands trembled as I shoved up her nightgown, exposing her boobs, but I fastened my lips around one nipple while my fingers played with the other. I couldn’t tell whether or not Quinn liked that, but I took my time, and in a few minutes, her breathing changed and she began to shift her hips restlessly.