Hanging by a Moment (Keeping Score #2)

by Tawdra Kandle

  Keeping my mouth on one breast, I crept my hand down, lower, until my fingers rested just over her core. I knew I needed to be mindful of how I touched her here; not too hard or too light. I tried to remember what I’d read online and the pictures I’d seen.

  When I ventured one finger over her folds, Quinn drew in a deep breath. She wasn’t slick, the way I had read she would be if she was really turned on. But that was okay. I knew what to do next.

  I found the small knob right where the internet had said it would be, and I pressed it lightly. “Quinn. I know this isn’t what you’re used to. I know you’ve been . . . I know you have experience. If you need to think about . . . if you want to picture Leo, I understand. If you need to think about him, do it. I just want you to feel good. It’s still going to be me touching you.”

  A sob broke from her throat, but I kept touching her. I kept moving my finger over her clit and then, as she began to respond, I replaced my finger with my thumb and thrust two fingers into her.

  Quinn arched, one hand gripping my wrist as though to hold me in place. Her mouth opened, her eyes screwed shut and she gave a short, loud cry as her channel convulsed around my fingers. It was the single most amazing thing I’d ever experienced in my life, feeling her orgasm and knowing I’d done it. I’d brought her pleasure, even if it wasn’t the traditional kind of wedding-night consummation.

  After a few seconds, she pushed my hand, rolling a little away from me. I lay next to her as her breathing slowly returned to normal.

  “Quinn . . . that was beautiful. Thank you so much.” I kissed her neck and then her lips, softly. “Thank you for . . . everything.”

  She laid one palm alongside my cheek. “I love you, Nate.”

  “I love you, too, Quinn. Thank you for marrying me.”

  Settling on my back, I kept her close to me, reveling in the wonder of falling asleep with my wife in my arms.

  She was all I had ever wanted, and she was mine. For as long as I lived.

  As soon as I knew Nate was asleep, I slipped out of bed, moving slowly and carefully across the room to where my robe hung on a hook behind the door. I pulled it on and turned the door knob, padding down the hallway to the living room, where the French doors opened onto the deck.

  Everyone had gone home after the wedding, leaving Nate and me to enjoy the house for our wedding night and the rest of the week. Nate couldn’t really travel, so this was our honeymoon. I was glad; I loved this house, and being at the beach was a balm to my stormy soul. Still, it felt strange to be here without my mom. The past few months had been rocky for us; she’d made no secret of the fact that she didn’t agree with my decision to marry Nate. Eventually, she’d gone along with it, out of love for all of us, but I knew she was worried about the future. My future.

  The night air on the deck was chilly, damp with the salty ocean scent. The beach was empty and silent aside from the rhythmic crashing of the waves.

  I sat down on the step that led to the beach, curling my toes over the wooden step below me, wrapping my arms around my middle. I felt empty, hollow and numb.

  My body was still thrumming with the aftermath of my orgasm. I hadn’t expected to be able to come, not with Nate touching me. I loved him, I had always loved him, but I had never desired him. I’d never wanted him the way I wanted Leo with every beat of my heart.

  To my shame, I’d had to think about Leo while Nate’s hands were on me. I’d imagined Leo’s face, how he looked when he made love to me, the way his eyes went soft when he thrust into me. It was only with the memory of his body inside mine that I’d been able to climax.

  What I couldn’t let myself remember was Leo’s face today. I’d realized pretty quickly how cruel I’d been to ask him to be there. He had kept his distance, both last night and today, rarely getting close enough to touch me and never speaking to me alone. I’d played along, understanding that he needed that separation to stay sane.

  But I’d made the mistake of glancing at Leo during the ceremony, and the pain I’d seen in his eyes as Nate had recited his vows nearly broke me. When it was my turn to repeat after the minister, I couldn’t help staring at Leo as I said the words meant for Nate.

  “To have and to hold, from this day forward, forsaking all others . . .” And that was the phrase that jerked me back to the moment. Forsaking all others. That was what I’d done. I’d forsaken Leo in favor of Nate and what he needed. I had a good rationale for doing it, but all the excuses in the world wouldn’t change the hurt it caused Leo.

  I looked down at my hands, at the slender gold band on my left hand. I was married now, married to a man who I loved but wasn’t in love with, a man who wanted me more than anyone else in the world. A man who would be dead within the year.

  Sitting alone, with only the waves and stars to keep me company, I laid my head on my folded arms and sobbed.

  Not Quite the End . . .

  Yet.

  Book #3

  Coming in September

  “Don’t you think you’ve had enough?”

  Eli Tuckerton, one-time star receiver for Gatbury High’s football team, a guy I’d once loved to watch play the game, looked up at me from his wheelchair. In his eyes, I saw compassion, sympathy and understanding.

  I fucking hated that.

  “No, as a matter of fact, I don’t.” I slammed back the rest of my boilermaker and signaled to the bartender. “And I’m pretty sure I just met you yesterday, dude. Which means you’re not even a little qualified to tell me what to do.”

  “I’ve known you for two years. Does that give me the right to say you need to slow down?” Standing next to the wheelchair, one hand resting on its back, Zelda cocked her head at me. Her blonde hair was twisted up, exposing the slim column of her neck, and I thought distractedly that this chick was extremely fuckable. Maybe she’d be just what I needed to take my mind off my problems. Maybe she could do what this booze wasn’t and make me forget Quinn.

  I was about to open my mouth to make a suggestion to that effect when Tuck slid one arm around her waist. I didn’t miss the way his hand curved over the slope of her ass, even though he was pretty subtle about it. Damn. Apparently the delectable Zelda was off-limits. I wasn’t the type of guy to snake a girl who was clearly taken.

  “No.” I finally answered her question. “It doesn’t. None of you are my mother, my father, or even my one of my older brothers.” I picked up the shot the bartender had just delivered and dumped into the new beer. “And you’re sure as hell not my girlfriend or my wife.”

  Wife.The sting was still there. Well, it was more than a sting. It was like a stab. A painful, throbbing stab with a knife that had been coated with poison. Yep, that about covered it.

  Satisfied with my inner-analogy, I took a long drink and wiped my mouth.

  “Leo.” Gia turned at last from the stool next to mine. Her eyes were tired, as they always seemed to be these days. “Come on. You know that’s not the answer to anything. I get that you’re hurting. It sucks.”

  I gave a bark of humorless laughter. “Sucks. Yeah, you could say that.” A lump rose in my throat, and I blinked away suspicious moisture in my eyes. “As a great man we both once knew used to say, this day sucks big giant T-rex balls.”

  A ghost of a smile flitted across Gia’s face. “That’s right. He’d say that.”

  “God, Gia. I miss him so fucking much.”

  She closed her eyes. “I know. I know you do. Sometimes I think you and I are the only ones who will remember him, in the end. To everyone else, he’ll just be a footnote or some kind of cautionary tale for college football players who go astray. Who will know who Matt Lampert really was?”

  I reached up onto the bar and took her hand, squeezing it. “We will. I promise.”

  One side of her mouth curved up a little, but it wasn’t really a smile. “Meanwhile, you really have had a lot to drink. Maybe we should go up to our rooms.” The four of us had decided to stay at a hotel in Ocean City tonight so that we did
n’t have to drive home. It had sounded like a good idea at the time, but now I was wishing I’d driven back to the airport and caught the first place to Richmond. Anything to get away from New Jersey.

  “Go ahead if you want. I’m not ready yet.” I gulped the beer again.

  She sighed and leaned her head on her chin. “Fine.” Glancing back at Zelda and Tuck, she added, “If you want to go up, or wherever, I’ll keep my eye on Leo.”

  Zelda shook her head. “I’m not leaving you two. But let’s move to a table, okay? It’s too hard for Eli to get up onto a bar stool, and I want to sit down.”

  That was a compromise I could make. We settled ourselves at a nearby booth, with Gia sitting next to me and Tuck transferring himself deftly from the chair to the vinyl bench. Zelda scooted in next to him.

  For the first few minutes, we were all silent, and then Zelda ventured to speak. “It was a nice ceremony, at least. I mean . . . for what it was.”

  Gia nodded. “I guess.”

  “What the fuck, you guys? That was some kind of messed-up shit.” Tuck shook his head. “I love Nate like a brother. We were roommates for four years, and I hate that he’s—that his time is running out. But come on. What he did to Quinn, asking her to marry him now, that was just wrong. She’s miserable. Anyone could see it.”

  The idea of Quinn being unhappy should’ve given me a perverse thrill. She was the one who’d said yes to Nate’s ridiculous proposal. She was the one who’d ripped apart what we’d shared and was now married to another man. But I couldn’t find it in me to be glad that she was suffering.

  I’d kept my distance the night before, greeting her casually and then making it a point to stay as far away as I possibly could. The last time we’d talked alone had been the day of Matt’s funeral, when I’d tried to proposition her upstairs to a bedroom, and there was a definite possibility that I’d try that again, given the chance. While that might make me feel better for the short term, it wasn’t the answer either of us needed.

  Today, during the ceremony, she’d stared into my eyes as she’d made her vows. I’d wanted to scream. I’d wanted to jump up and object, only the minister never paused for anyone to say why these two should not be joined together. I had a shit ton of reasons, but apparently no one cared.

  Afterwards, when everyone was kissing the bride, I’d taken my turn, drawing her into my arms like old times and touching her smooth, cool cheek with my lips. I’d intended to leave it at that, stepping back away from Quinn, but she’d clung to my shoulders for an extra moment, moving her mouth to just below my ear.

  “I’m sorry, Leo. I’m so sorry.”

  After that, I’d had to get away. Each minute under the same roof with them was excruciating, and when at last everyone had begun to clear away, I’d rounded up Gia, Zelda and Tuck and insisted it was time for us to take off.

  “What are you going to do, Leo?” Zelda pinned me with a stare now. “Do you . . . will you wait for her? Or what?”

  The ‘or what’ option seemed to be the most attractive at the moment. I had a feeling that choice covered another boilermaker.

  “I’m going to get on a plane tomorrow morning and fly back to Richmond. I’m going to do everything I can to make it on this team, to be who they need. To play the game.” I fiddled with the paper coaster under my mug. “And I’m going to do everything in my power to forget all about her. She’s made her choice. I need to move on.”

  Gia sighed. “Do you really think that’s possible, Leo?”

  I shrugged and leveled a gaze at her, one that was meant to convey more than one meaning.

  “I’m going to do my damnedest to find out.”

  Don’t miss

  Days of You and Me

  Coming September 27, 2016

  And please consider leaving a review for this book at your favorite book vendor!

  This book was not easy to write. I knew it going in, but still . . . the painful parts were harder than I anticipated. I don’t set out to write books with angst and sad stuff, but that is in the nature of this story. Leo, Quinn and Nate haven’t had a smooth road, and this was perhaps their bumpiest section yet. Perhaps.

  Thank you, as always, to the wonderful team of people who make my books possible: cover designer Robin Ludwig of Covers by Robin made this beautiful cover and Stacey Blake of Champagne Formats made the inside just as pretty. My fabulous promotion helpers, Maria Clark, Jen Rattie and Mandie Stevens, make every day a little brighter. And Olivia Hardin keeps me as sane as it gets—and makes me beautiful trailers, too!

  Huge thanks (and a few extra boxes of tissues) to my beta team: Kara Schilling, Krissy Smith, Marla Wenger, Dawn Line and Julianna Santiago. You ladies rock beyond the telling. Big loves and hugs all around.

  All of my Temptresses have been wildly supportive of the Keeping Score Trilogy, and I am so grateful. I couldn’t do what I do without their support.

  Book 3 is coming in September, so hang tight. And in case you didn’t pick it up, there will be two spin-offs (at least) from this trilogy: Your Wildest Dreams and Not Broken Anymore will be released in 2017. Can you guess which characters will be featured?

  On a more serious note, football is something that has always been a big part of my life—as a fan. I have special love for college football (Go Army!), and it’s always a treat to see these young men with amazing talent live lives of responsibility and consciousness off the field, giving back where and when they can. It’s also heartbreaking to see some of the players take a different road, one that may lead to dark places. I didn’t know Matt Lampert’s future or fate at the beginning of Hanging By A Moment, and I was saddened by it. Unfortunately, his story is all too realistic. It is my hope and prayer that the young men currently struggling with the side effects of fame and success would find a better answer—and a happier ending—than Matt did.

  Suicide prevention is a cause dear to my heart. If you or anyone you know needs help, please check out To Write Love On Her Arms (https://twloha.com/). The website includes help lines, emergency text help, and much, much more. Remember: Hope is real. Help is real. Your story is important. Don’t end it before its time.

  And with that, I send you all oodles of love for reading, for your sweet messages of support and for reviews. You are important to me. Never forget that.

  A sneak peek excerpt of Days of You and Me

  The front door was open, so I knocked on the screen door, peering into the living room and calling. “Hello? Anyone home?’

  “Come on in, Leo.”

  I almost didn’t recognize Nate’s voice, but as I stepped inside, catching the screen door so that it didn’t slam, I saw him lying on the sofa. His hips and legs were covered with a knit afghan, and several pillows were at his back. He was thinner than ever, if that was even possible.

  “Hey.” I stood awkwardly, unsure of what to do next. “Uh, did I wake you up?”

  “Nah.” Nate shook his head, but he looked exhausted as he blinked, and I wondered if he was having trouble sleeping. “Sit down, okay? So I don’t have to break my neck staring up at you.”

  I perched on the edge of the chair nearest the sofa. “This better?”

  He nodded. “Much, thanks.” His eyes darted around the room, as though he was looking for his next line. “Thanks for coming up, Leo. It means a lot.”

  “Sure.” I glanced around my shoulder. “Is, uh . . . is anyone else at home?”

  A faint smile played about his lips. “No. Quinn had a meeting in the city for work, and I convinced my mom to go with her. I’m okay by myself for short stretches, and my mother needed the break.” He hastened to add, “They both do.”

  “So what do you need, Nate? What did you ask me to come up?”

  He frowned, staring out the window at the ocean. “I want to talk to you about Quinn, Leo. Specifically, about what’s going to happen when I’m not here anymore.”

  Annoyance flared in my chest. “Oh, you want my word that I won’t make any moves? You want Quinn to s
tay a widow for the rest of her life, with no other prospects for marriage and a family?”

  Nate sighed. “No, of course not. And I’m not asking for your word about anything. I just want to give you some advice.” He paused, his lips pursing as he searched for the right words.

  “I’m going to help you to get Quinn back. This time forever.”

  Hanging By A Moment Play List

  Guardian Alanis Morissette

  Love the One You’re With Crosby, Stills and Nash

  Stressed Out Twenty One Pilots

  Lucky Jason Mraz

  Why Don’t You Love Me New Hollow

  Falling Slowly Steve Kazee

  I Can’t Make You Love Me Bonnie Raitt

  Apocalypse Jackie Evancho

  Hanging By A Moment Lifehouse

  To see other play lists and keep up with new ones, follow me on Spotify!

  Photo by Heather Batchelder

  Tawdra Kandle writes romance, in just about all its forms. She loves unlikely pairings, strong women, sexy guys, hot love scenes and just enough conflict to make it interesting. Her books run from YA paranormal romance through NA paranormal and contemporary romance to adult contemporary and paramystery romance. She lives in central Florida with a husband, kids, sweet pup and too many cats. And yeah, she rocks purple hair.

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  If you love Tawdra’s books, become a Naughty Temptress! Join the group here for sneak peeks, advanced reader copies of future books, and other fun.

  Keeping Score

  When We Were Us

  Hanging By A Moment

  Days of You and Me