Kataomoi

by Hildred Billings

  “I suppose so.” Had Aiko murdered somebody? Were Junko’s irrational dreams somehow people?

  “As much as I challenge them, the resource center Mayumi-san works at can help you if you’ve really been disowned. I wish I didn’t know.”

  Aiko bristled. She had completely forgotten about Mio’s own experience with such a topic. “Forgive me, Mio-san, I didn’t mean to drag up bad memories for you.”

  “Don’t worry about it. It was a long time ago.”

  Five years. And now Reina’s magic was at work again.

  “There is something about her,” Mio continued, her brown curls finally drooping from her scalp. “About Reina, I mean.”

  Aiko cocked her head, listening.

  “She lures you in with her passion and her freedom, and it’s like drinking from a fountain of perpetual youth when you’re with her. She makes you feel like a princess, so long as you entertain her. She makes no promises, and maybe even derides you, yet you tell yourself it’s worth it because you’ve never felt like you do with her.” Mio sighed, remembering her own relationship with Aiko’s girlfriend. “And yet it’s like you’re the only one who sees what’s so great about her. Nobody else understands. They tell you she’s a slut, she’s playing you, and that women are like seasonal shoes to her. But it’s worth it. You even try to convince yourself it’s worth it when your mother sees her, and decides she’s corroded her own daughter to the point she’s not a person anymore.”

  It was like a bomb went off in Aiko’s chest. She saw Mio in a new light, the chagrined ex-girlfriend who gave everything up to be with the woman she loved. And in the end it hadn’t been enough, because as Reina had said, she broke up with her because she tried to change her nature. A martyr for love. No wonder Mio was a bitter woman.

  “I’m sorry that happened to you, Mio-san.” Aiko inclined her head. “She doesn’t understand the power she has over women at times.”

  An unexpected chuckle covered the table. “I don’t know if it’s a power of hers, but whatever it is, she certainly doesn’t understand it. I knew I was gay before I met Reina, and yet I fell in love with her like a maiden. She wasn’t my first, but when she broke up with me I thought she would be my last.”

  Another fuse lit in Aiko’s rib cage.

  “Just…be careful, Aiko-san.” It was the first time Mio addressed her by name. “She has a tendency to run away when things become too heavy. To say it lightly, she’s a flake. Not a week after my mother disowned me, Reina broke up with me. She says it was because I tried to force her into monogamy, but I did no such thing. I think she thought if she released me from her coils, I could reconcile with my mother. Well, that never happened, and I was still miserable.”

  “I’m so sorry.” What else could she say?

  “Don’t be. That was my fate. And,” she took in a deep breath, “I’ve been most unfair to you, Aiko-san. I was angry she could move on so quickly. I knew she was promiscuous, but she told me she would never bother with girlfriends again if it meant hurting them in the end. And then I heard about you, and I felt betrayed. It’s not fair to you. And now I’m afraid that what happened to me will happen to you, and regardless of my feelings, you don’t deserve that.”

  “Thank you.”

  Mio shook her head. “She’s a blowhard. Honestly, I don’t know why I still feel kataomoi toward her. When I think about it, it was a really one-sided relationship.”

  “Because unrequited love is still love,” Yatsumi said in a somber tone. “Even if it’s with somebody like her.”

  Mio pinched her friend’s arm, a smile dawning on her face. “Ehh, do you feel kataomoi for somebody, Yatsu?”

  She looked out the window. “Sometimes.”

  “Oh! Who?”

  “Never you mind.”

  While Mio retained a giddy, schoolgirl-like tendency to badger her friend about her love life, Aiko sat back and tried to gauge whether or not her relationship with Reina was one-sided. She’s never said “I love you.” Aiko didn’t need words to know her girlfriend cared for her. She did things like support Aiko with a job. Enough, for now.

  After they were served their lunches, conversation drifted to more amicable topics, such as the upcoming trip in October. “Everything’s been arranged,” Yatsumi said. “There’s even an extra ticket available thanks to Mari’s friend, if you would like to come along, Aiko-san.”

  Aiko glimpsed at Mio, expecting to see a sneer. Instead, she met blessed indifference. “October? I may be able to arrange a trip then. Will lodging cost much?” She doubted Reina would foot the bill.

  “Not if we double-up the rooms. There’s a cheap Western-style hotel in the city we’ve stayed at before. You will have to come up with your share of the train fare and room, but we can get you into the show, at least.”

  Clasping her hands together, Aiko felt a new light kindle behind her eyes. “All that glamour in real life…”

  “Miki Maya’s voice…live…”

  Yatsumi snorted. “I told you she wanted to leave a pile of love letters on her doorstep. How’s that for hopeless kataomoi?”

  “I’d rather be in love with an unattainable person than somebody within reach.”

  “Really?”

  “Really.”

  The two of them shared a look. Yatsumi backed down with a huff. “Well, I guess that means we’ll never date then. I’m way too in reach.”

  Mio giggled, her pale cheeks pinking. “No way! For one, you can’t sing!”

  “Hey! Yes I can! Just not well!”

  “Singing well is a requirement to be my girlfriend. It’s not meant to be, Yatsu.”

  They dramatically frowned at one another, eliciting a laugh from Aiko. I’m so jealous of their friendship. But she was slowly worming her way into their hearts. As she jammed a piece of grilled chicken into her mouth, she peered at Yatsumi, who turned away from Mio, blushing. It only lasted for a second.

  Perhaps the kataomoi infection was spreading.

  * * *

  Reina dunked her head into the bathtub once more before scooting over to make room for her girlfriend. The tub was deep but not long, so they both had to curl their legs beneath them, backs against the wall. Water fell down Reina’s face as Aiko sunk beside her; water splashed out of the tub as Aiko’s body displaced it.

  They were silent in their soaking, as they had been those past few days. Since returning from the worst obon in history, Reina kept a respectful distance from Aiko outside of their bed. She didn’t know if it was because she feared Junko’s sudden appearance or Aiko’s rejection. Maybe for once I don’t want to be near anybody.

  Aiko smoothed down her hair to keep the strays from getting into her face. She had washed it beneath the showerhead, but finagled it into a bun before entering the bath. The way steam clung to her skin made her glisten.

  “I went to the café today to meet with my friends,” Aiko said, hands clinging to the edge of the tub. “It was interesting, and kind of awkward.”

  Reina picked up a soaked hand towel and wiped the sweat from her face. “Because Mio was there?” Just who she wanted to think about at that moment. Somebody else’s life I’ve ruined.

  “Yes, Mio was there. I may have…” Aiko curled her fingers until her knuckles turned white. “I may have told them about what happened over the weekend.”

  “So? Isn’t that natural? Seems like the sort of thing you would tell your friends.”

  Aiko peered at her through rising steam. “You don’t mind?”

  “No. Why would I?”

  “Because it’s Mio.”

  Reina snorted. “Let’s face it, she probably reveled in it.” She didn’t hold any resentment against her ex-girlfriend. Were their positions switched, Reina probably would’ve been more than a little angry at the situation. And she wasn’t above wallowing in somebody else’s misery if it meant karma was doing its job.

  “Actually, she was sympathetic. It surprised me, too.”

  Aiko went into detail a
bout the conversation, from how she explained what happened to Mio’s relating to it. When she described the effect Reina had on other people, the woman in question leaned her elbow against the tub and sucked the water droplets off her thumb. Steam swarmed her face but she didn’t have the drive to wipe it away. The beads falling from her forehead to chin signaled the transition from water to sweat.

  “And then she called you a blowhard.”

  That got a chuckle, if no other reaction. Reina resituated herself in the tub as her legs became cramped. “She was always direct. I liked that about her.” She didn’t comment on the other observations.

  “Nee, Reina?”

  “Nani?”

  Aiko splashed in the tub, water oozing over and into the drain. Tiny soap bubbles danced on the tiles until they were sucked down. “She was kinda right, you know. You can be really flaky at times.”

  “I guess so.”

  “Why did you really break up with her?”

  Reina blinked away the droplets encroaching on her eyes. “I told you, it was because she asked me to do things against my nature.”

  “That’s not what she said.”

  “Who are you going to believe? Her or the person who actually did the dumping?”

  “I ask because when you talk about her, it seems you still like her. Or at least more than when you talk about your other ex-girlfriends.”

  Reina grabbed the ladle sitting on the edge of the bath and scooped some water over her head. Memories of Mio – laughing, singing, crying, stripping, fucking – flooded her brain like a torrent of bath water down the drain. She supposed both parts were true: she did feel guilty about Mio’s predicament with her mother, although she knew she shouldn’t…and Mio had suggested they make their sexual relationship exclusive, which was as good as changing the channel. But when Reina broke up with somebody, that was it. She hadn’t thought of Mio much until recently, when she walked back into her life, scowling.

  “She was one of the better girlfriends, I guess.” Reina put on a plastic smile. “But you’re my favorite.” Well, I’ve been with you the longest by far, anyway.

  Aiko returned a genuine smile, although she did not touch her girlfriend. “Oh, good! All of this trouble with my mother and Mio…it’s made me worry that maybe you harbor some kataomoi for her.”

  “Kataomoi?”

  “Sou, that’s the word she used to describe her lingering feelings for you.”

  “No way. I’m with you now.”

  Finally, Aiko took Reina’s hand, their wet fingers locking together. “Promise me you won’t leave me?” Her voice shook like the water.

  “Eh? I already told you I’m not going anywhere.”

  “Even if my mother threatens you?”

  Scoffing, Reina relaxed into the bath and reclaimed her hand. “She wouldn’t be the first angry mother I’ve gone up against.”

  “I know.”

  Reina wondered why more lesbians couldn’t have a mother like hers, who gave up on changing her daughter long, long ago. Indifference was much better than impassioned hatred. “She can’t do anything to us here. It wasn’t like with Mio, who still lived with her mother. I’m more worried about you than myself.”

  That made Aiko frown, as if she hadn’t considered her own situation before. “Just promise me, okay?”

  “I’m not going anywhere. Well, unless you want me to.”

  “No way!” Aiko disrupted more of the bath water when she leaped up.

  Reina calmed her down with silky words and touches to the knees and thighs. Aiko sank into her corner of the bath, a languid look of love appearing on her visage for the first time that week. Giggling, she then told her about the rest of that day’s meeting, specifically that one of Mio’s requirements for a girlfriend was that she could sing.

  “Ah, yeah. She really liked to hear me sing.” Mio was the only woman besides Aiko who tracked her down at work at the theater and enjoyed the shows. She used to say my singing turned her on. And half their dates ended in a karaoke box so Mio could hear more of Reina’s rich alto. “She was a sucker for women with deep voices.”

  Aiko snuggled next to her and rubbed her arm. “Sou, she really likes female singers…”

  “Especially manly ones…”

  Silence stilled the water.

  “Do you think she got into takarazuka as a way to fill the void you left behind?”

  Reina didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. Don’t compare me to that! But how true! Mio was the type to “fill voids,” as Aiko put it. Once Mio lost a pet rabbit, and two weeks later she bought a dozen stuffed animals that looked like it. I wonder how she filled the void left behind by her mother. “Well, if she did, I hope she realizes she’s not going to date any of them.”

  “She said she’d rather love an unattainable person than somebody nearby.”

  “Maa, sounds like she’s gotten addicted to kataomoi.”

  “She’s probably scared of falling in love again.”

  Their eyes met in the clearing steam. Whether it was the hot water or her uncontainable love making Aiko blush, Reina didn’t know, but it was beautiful.

  “Let’s stop talking about mothers and ex-girlfriends.” She crept closer to Aiko, her hand swimming up her girlfriend’s thigh and fingering the floating hairs rising from her pelvis. Aiko stifled another giggle. “How about we get out of this tub and have some fun upstairs…” It would be their first time having sex since obon. They could both use the release.

  But Aiko merely bit her bottom lip and looked away. “Who says we can’t do it here?”

  Reina snickered into her palm. “Because it’s uncomfortable.”

  “We’re already naked.”

  “I have other ideas.”

  Aiko’s brows rose. “Oh? Like…?”

  How to convey the scene in her mind? All Reina could see was her hoisting Aiko up the stairs, their bodies still dripping wet, and falling together naked into their spacious bed. There they would make love with the bottled up passion contained inside them, perhaps with a toy or two. I’ve got a lot of “passion” to get out. Instead Reina mimed her idea with her hands, one fist sliding past the other.

  It was enough to make Aiko jump out of the tub and unplug it, her harried voice yelling at the water to drain faster.

  The brunt of summer faded from August to September, taking away the humid thunderstorms and replacing them with a welcomed dry heat. The change in month also brought the reappearance of Aiko’s mother, beginning with a curt phone call inviting her to dinner and a movie. But when Aiko thought Junko was trying to start everything over yet again, she arrived at the house with two bachelors in tow. “One for you and one for that unfortunate woman you live with.” To say they were declined was an understatement.

  Nevertheless, Aiko slowly wormed her way into her mother’s good graces again, especially when she happened to visit the main house the day that Shizuka went into labor. Although Aiko did not accompany her overexerted cousin to the hospital, she did stay behind to watch Ren, a feat Junko lauded as a “step in the right direction.”

  Although Aiko was forever grateful that her mother was back in her life, she could only focus on her upcoming birthday.

  Turning twenty-four had its merits. For one, Aiko’s birthday always brought with it a three month interval in which she and Reina were the same age. Second, the closer Aiko got to proclaiming herself on the far side of twenty, the more she felt credible in her ability to be a housewife. Reina promised they would do something special for her birthday.

  The day arrived in a glory of warm colors and warmer temperatures. The last full blast of summer had Aiko turning on the air conditioner and spurning her usual chores in favor of watching television and waiting for Reina’s return from work. I wonder what she will get me. Reina’s custom was to get her girlfriend chocolate or simple jewelry. For Reina, it was a miracle she remembered Aiko’s birthday at all.

  That year it was a gorgeous bouquet of fresh flowers – pink carn
ations and roses peppered with baby’s breath. Aiko squealed at their presentation and inhaled their perfume while Reina settled down for supper.

  That was not the only present in store that evening.

  Reina told her girlfriend to enjoy her bath alone. “Take as long as you want. I have things to do.” Aiko lamented the lack of cuddling in the bath, a treat she had grown accustomed to since the beginning of their cohabitation. But she enjoyed it anyway, letting the hot water coddle her skin and wash away the sweat accumulating in the various crevices of her body. She wondered what Reina was doing.

  Her first clue came when she drained the bath and opened the shower door to grab her towel and pajamas. In place of her pajamas was a basket full of pink silk. When Aiko held it up, she realized it was a negligee. A very sexy one. Reina hadn’t bought her two presents in a long time. Flowers and lingerie! The top of the nightgown pushed her breasts up, which made her giggle and play with them as if they were brand new. Glancing into the foggy mirror, she could see her nipples and the rest of her body through the sheer fabric. Naughty Reina! She tugged on the rest of the clothing in the basket and discovered a frilly ensemble.

  The robe was the same baby pink as the negligee it went with, but its long sleeves puffed at the shoulders and tied around the waist with a thick, opulent sash. It left Aiko’s legs bare but did the job of covering her private areas. When she looked into the mirror again, she thought the style was reminiscent of Civil War era southern belles, minus the length. It certainly had enough ruffles and volume. Aiko turned to pick up the basket and noticed one more item.

  A note, written in Japanese.

  “You need kissing, badly.”

  Aiko put the basket away and looked at the note again. Is this a quote? It sounded like something Reina would say, but she wasn’t the type to leave notes around, even lewd ones. This surprise continued to get weirder.

  The lights were off downstairs when Aiko emerged from the bathroom. The heat from the un-air conditioned hallway made the silk and lace on her new clothes stick to her like sweat. “Reina?” she called. “Are you upstairs?”