Kataomoi

by Hildred Billings

  So, then, who?

  Aiko.

  Reina didn’t want to believe in such malarkey. She didn’t believe in anything, besides good food and good sex, leading to happiness. The thought of her relationship with Aiko ending was about as likely as…

  For some reason, Reina thought of Mio on the floor, sobbing.

  Her grip on Michiko lightened. She fell back onto her pillow, remembering obon.

  She had broken up with one woman already over a mother’s scorn.

  Could she do it again?

  Somewhere on the other side of the bed Aiko reached out and took Reina’s hand, still curled around Michiko’s abdomen.

  “You will soon see the end of a relationship you cherished before.”

  Reina didn’t want to think about a bunch of bullshit.

  By the end of that Friday’s meeting, Mari and Kari fell over drunk after only two beers, Aiko dropped a tray of cookies, and Yatsumi gave herself a paper cut from a magazine. Reina stayed on the far side of the big table in the living area, out of the way from the chaos and shouting going on while five women yammered on and shared developed photos from their trip to Hyogo Prefecture.

  Reina gave courtesy glimpses to pictures of her girlfriend standing in front of various tourist attractions around Takarazuka City. She even smiled and commented on a photo in which Aiko had her eyes closed and mouth open. But to say she was interested was disingenuous. She had sat through a weekend’s worth of chat about it when Michiko was there and had no desire to hear more about it. So when she heard Aiko’s new friends would come over that Friday, she knew she was in for a headache.

  The only one not shouting above the others was Mio, who kept to herself opposite Reina at the table. Every so often Reina peeked at her and wondered why she was so quiet. She was rarely quiet when we dated. Once or twice Mio looked up at the same time as Reina, and their eyes held an awkward meeting. Mio opened her mouth to say something, but Reina looked away.

  The twins were the first to depart, taking their stumbling asses outside while screaming about shit through slurred speech. Reina remained at the table; Aiko acted as the perfect hostess as she saw her inebriated guests out.

  “Uruse na…” Yatsumi mumbled, fingers massaging her forehead. “It doesn’t take much for those two to get drunk.”

  Reina played with a glass of water. “They are very…lively…”

  Mio looked up at the sound of Reina’s voice.

  “Sometimes they’re a bit much.” Yatsumi yawned. “Ugh. I should leave too.” She gestured toward Mio. “Should we head out as well?”

  Stuttering, Mio didn’t say anything coherent before Aiko entered the living area again.

  “Thank you for your hospitality, Aiko-san,” Yatsumi said as she stood up. “I’m afraid it’s time for me to head out as well. I’ve got work early tomorrow.”

  Aiko gave her a fond farewell, the both of them peeking in Mio’s direction.

  “Huh? Oh. I’ll catch up to you later. You go on ahead.”

  Raising one brow, Yatsumi said good night again and showed herself out.

  The silence left behind brought comfort to Reina’s mind. She leaned her chin on her hand and yawned, the sounds of Aiko cleaning the dishes rousing her from her stupor. When she jerked awake again she saw Mio peering at her.

  “Do you have something to say to me? You’ve been looking at me weird all night.” Reina stretched her arms above her head, T-shirt pulling against her chest. Had she anything to outline there, she might have drawn Mio’s attention to it.

  “Gomen. I don’t mean to.”

  “Well, then…” Reina sent her girlfriend a look, which Aiko did not notice as she ran dishes beneath the faucet. “What is it? Somehow I doubt you’re basking in my beauty.”

  Mio covered her face with one hand – it almost made Reina laugh. In the early days of their relationship, it was easy to rile Mio up, like it was still no trouble to make Aiko blush like a schoolgirl. However, Reina had no need to make her own ex-girlfriend giddy.

  “If we may speak in private…” Mio spared one peek at Aiko.

  “Ah. She’s busy.” When Aiko was in “dishes mode,” she was about as easy to get through to as an eating tiger. “She’s not paying attention.”

  Mio bowed her head. “I want to talk to you about…”

  “About what?”

  “Us.”

  “There is no ‘us’ anymore.”

  “I know that. I’ve had five years to think about that.”

  There it was: Mio’s flash of stubbornness. Her brows crinkled beneath her curly locks and her nose twitched like a cat’s. The only thing not moving on her face was her glasses. “Look, I think it’s best if you and I just…”

  “Why did you break up with me?” Mio’s breath shot through her as a hiss.

  “Eh?” So sudden! “I gave you a reason. I didn’t like where our relationship was going.” Monogamy and your crazy mother. She could only handle one of those at a time.

  “No, I want the real reason.”

  What was Aiko telling people now? “That is the real reason. And it sounds like you haven’t really moved on. You should. I have.”

  Mio ground her teeth. “I can see that. I mean, it’s a bit difficult for me to move on when I never got any closure. You dumped me one day, and that was it.” Her hands fought each other in her lap. “I was really in love with you, you know.”

  Reina said nothing. No, I didn’t. She was slow on that uptake.

  “So can you see my problem? I’ve spent the past five years wondering what’s wrong with me. You know damn well I didn’t try to force you into monogamy. I was willing to make allowances for you. For us. This was about my mother, wasn’t it?”

  Silence.

  “It didn’t help. She still refuses to talk to me after all this time. Last I heard she was telling people I died. Having a dead daughter was better than having a gay one. So, you see, you left me when I literally had no one to count on.”

  People often accused Reina of being an emotionless bastard, but those words stabbed her like a dagger. “I didn’t know,” she said. “I’m sorry.”

  After taking in a deep breath, Mio recollected her serenity. “You always had the worst timing. Outside of the bedroom, of course.”

  They both smiled a little. No complaints there.

  “What can I do for you?” For the first time all evening, Reina turned her whole body toward Mio. “To help you have closure. If we’re going to be seeing each other even more down the road, we might as well put an end to this awkwardness.” It didn’t bother her too much, but she knew Aiko sometimes suffered for it.

  “I don’t know.” Mio wiped her eye. “Just tell me that you didn’t dump me because I was awful at living.”

  “I didn’t dump you because of that. I honestly thought you were better off without me.”

  “You didn’t even ask my opinion on it.”

  “No. Again, I’m sorry.”

  “Don’t be.” Mio shook her head. “It’s too late for that.”

  They became quiet again, the only sounds echoing in the room belonging to the running faucet and the banging pans in the kitchen. Aiko began humming a tune to herself. Does she even know Mio is still here?

  “Sometimes I wish that…” Mio bit her lip. “Never mind. It’s stupid.”

  “What?”

  Head low and hair shrouding her face, Mio continued in a low tone, “Sometimes I wish I could be with you again.”

  The way she hid her embarrassment behind two pale hands told Reina she didn’t mean in the romantic sense. I see. She could relate, in a way. Five days earlier when Michiko picked up her bag and left, Reina felt her heart pluck from her chest. While not girlfriends in the purest sense like she and Aiko, Reina still felt a little betrayed every time Michiko walked out of her life again. And she had ample warning! “Would that help you move on?”

  Mio lifted her tresses on top of her head, never once looking up. “I can’t ask that of you.
” Instead, she looked up at Aiko.

  Reina scoffed. “Sure you can. You must know we do that sort of thing all the time.” It’s not a secret.

  “Still…”

  The faucet turned off in the kitchen. Aiko threw her washrag onto the counter and let out a resounding sigh of finality. Now was Reina’s only chance.

  She stood up and left Mio at the table, mouth agape. “Ai-chan,” Reina said, shuffling into the kitchen, “we need to talk.” She took her girlfriend’s arm and led her out into the hall.

  Explaining her intentions was not one of Reina’s finest moments: she stumbled, she backtracked, and she refused to look Aiko in the eye until her words tumbled out in coherency. When she finished, Aiko stared at her with enough shock to power the neighborhood.

  “Are you crazy?” she asked. “Let Mio-san stay the night?”

  “She practically asked to.”

  “Because she’s not over you!”

  “She said it would help her get over me.”

  Aiko scrunched her nose. “I don’t see how.”

  “If you don’t want to, fine. I doubt she thinks it’s really going to happen. But I wanted to put it out there.”

  An awkward moment passed with nothing said. When Aiko broke the silence, it was with a note of hollowness. “Do you want to do it?”

  “I don’t know. Honestly. I’ve never gone back and done it with an ex before.” So many other women for me to move on with.

  Aiko took a step toward the staircase. “I think this is going to explode in your face. But, if you’re serious about it…” She shuddered. “I admit I don’t have any attraction like that for her, but this isn’t about me. I’m going upstairs. If she says yes, I’ll be waiting for you up there. If she says no, it’s up to you to deal with it, and as far as she knows I know nothing about it.”

  “All right.”

  Footsteps thudded up the stairs as quickly as a bird flies into a tree. Reina shook her limbs out and returned to the living area, where Mio sat at the table, alone.

  She’s still pretty, I guess. Not much about her appearance had changed in the last five years. Same glasses, same hairstyle – the color was a lighter shade of brown than before – same long skirts and heavy sweaters. Reina approached her ex with trepidation.

  Telling her about the arrangement was as awkward as asking Aiko in the first place.

  In the end, Mio slowly stood and took Reina’s hand, arm shaking. “I don’t know why it makes me nervous,” she said.

  Reina wrapped her hand around her ex’s. “You’ve done it in the past few years, right?”

  “Yes, sporadically. But this is different.”

  “I know.”

  Reina also knew that the moment they released their inhibitions the evening would ascend from awkward motions to full-on sexual catharsis. I have to get her to that stage. It was so easy before. But now…

  Five years could change a lot of things.

  She led Mio upstairs, turning the lights off behind them. The bedroom light remained on at the end of the hallway. Reina gulped at Aiko’s possible reaction.

  And Mio’s.

  “Wait,” she said, before Reina opened the door. “Is this really okay with her? I mean, I don’t know if I…could do it…”

  Reina tipped her fingers beneath Mio’s chin. “You don’t have to do anything with her. We understand each other.” She’ll watch me fuck you. It’ll only be awkward if she gets off on it.

  “Okay.” Their hands held tighter.

  Aiko waited for them inside the bedroom, sitting cross-legged on the bed as if she were at an innocent kind of sleepover. She did not meet Mio’s eyes.

  “Well,” Reina said, summoning her confidence, “shall we?”

  Behind her, her girlfriend stiffened; before her, her ex-girlfriend froze.

  We shall.

  Reina unbuttoned the top of Mio’s sweater, revealing a bit of black beneath burgundy. It’s like undressing her all those years ago. Mio always liked it when she was undressed piece by piece. Like unwrapping a present.

  A present coming straight for her lips.

  The kiss was practically a tackle, sending Reina sideways and toward the wall. Her mouth pressed upon Mio’s in one motion, lips puckered and mouths defiantly closed. For a time. Soon enough Mio dropped her bottom lip and sent her tongue out on a dead march for Reina’s. With a kiss like that coming at her, Reina couldn’t help but fall into it.

  Nice to know Mio’s passion had never waned.

  To say it was one sided was an understatement. All the force of that kiss was behind Mio’s energy, flinging herself against Reina with enough power to topple them both onto the bed if they were near it. Reina indulged her ex with heavy kisses of her own, hands reexploring her body beneath layers of thick clothing.

  If she were not careful, she may forget the last five years ever happened.

  “Mio…” she breathed when she had the chance between kisses. “Mi…” Her hand found Mio’s breast beneath her sweater, stifling her words.

  Mio whined in return, her own hands searching out the hem of Reina’s T-shirt.

  So it went.

  Her hands explored the chest she once claimed as her girlfriend’s, roaming her thumbs over Reina’s nipples and raking her nails down a flat abdomen. In return Reina pulled on Mio’s clothing, begging her to strip them off like the trappings they were. She sealed her plea with an eager kiss to the throat.

  Somewhere behind them, Aiko watched with varying intensity.

  “Hm!” Mio pushed herself away. She clutched the wall, her hand fixing her clothes and passing through her hair. “I’m sorry. I don’t think I should do this.”

  Reina’s T-shirt fell back into place without her prompting.

  “Thank you,” Mio continued. “Thank you for giving me the chance. But I don’t think I need it. I would just…confuse myself even more.” She fixed her glasses upon her nose. “I can show myself out. Thank you, Aiko-san.”

  Just like that, she was gone.

  “Reina,” Aiko said into the empty air. “Come here.”

  Unable to think of anything else, Reina turned and retreated to the bed, alone. Well, not alone. Aiko waited for her. But it was a far cry from what Reina had intended only a few minutes before. “What was that about?”

  Aiko rested her hand on her girlfriend’s knee. “Closure. She wanted to know that you still found her attractive.”

  “But we didn’t even do it!”

  Aiko laughed. “To be honest, I’m kinda glad. It would’ve been awkward for her and me.”

  “Nee, Ai-chan, I’m sorry for this.” Reina smoothed down her girlfriend’s brow. “It was unnecessary.”

  “No. Because if you had never broken up with her all those years ago, then you and I would have never happened. I should be grateful.”

  “I guess that’s true.”

  Aiko hugged her from the side. “Admit it, you like me the best.”

  Reina answered that with an embrace and a nuzzle. The shock of being rejected by Mio still had not quite worn off.

  Like an autonomous android, Reina continued to work with diligence in the hopes of getting that fabled promotion.

  She hadn’t heard much about it since the section chief first mentioned it at Suzuki’s celebration. But she knew it was there, and she was monitored. The only thing Reina refused to do was come in early again like she had before, knowing it was a fruitless effort that only left her drained at the end of the day. And after her strange time with Mio a few days before, she needed all the rest she could get.

  “Yamada-senpai,” Kimura said, approaching Reina’s desk with the drink cart. “Would you like tea or coffee this morning?”

  Reina pulled herself away from her computer and regarded him with a blank expression. “Ah, coffee, I guess.” She wrote a memo on a legal pad, reminding herself of where she left off in her work. No sense getting behind because coffee was here.

  “No sugar, only cream, right?” Kimura held up th
e bottle as if he were on a game show.

  “Sure.”

  She didn’t thank him when he left, coffee remaining behind. She was too busy trying to remember where she left off – her scribbles were unintelligible.

  Thus she almost didn’t hear her section chief’s summons.

  Reina stood and jogged into the office. The look on the section chief’s face was grim.

  “Have a seat.”

  It ate her up like lunch, calling her rear down into its depressing confines as the entire room closed in around her. I’m getting fired. She couldn’t help but think that every time she was called in by herself. He looks like he wants to punch me. Did she sleep with his wife?

  “I believe I told you about the possible promotion a month or so ago.”

  Reina nodded, slowly, careful not to show her enthusiasm. “You did. At Suzuki-san’s nomihoudai.”

  “Ah, yes. I wasn’t supposed to tell you about that, but I was…inebriated.”

  Blinking, Reina decided not to say anything.

  “Anyway, I wasn’t going to tell you because the odds of you getting it were slim and I didn’t want to get your hopes up. As it is…”

  Reina stiffened.

  “The promotion is going to Kimura.”

  If Reina were holding her cup of coffee, she would have let it shatter on the floor; if she were cooking supper she would have let it catch on fire; if she were anywhere else she would have created the greatest destruction possible. Her shock was so deep she couldn’t move, think, or breathe.

  Kimura?

  “That’s not the only reason why I called you in here. Kimura will be transferring almost immediately to his new position – once I tell him about it, of course – and we still don’t have a new secretary hired. You know how to use that stuff, right? Once Kimura leaves we’ll need you to pick up the secretarial duties until a replacement is found. Oh, and you will be expected to complete your regular work as well.”