Kataomoi

by Hildred Billings

  “I…I see.”

  “You understand this, right?” The section chief cocked his head. “It’s best for everyone this way. Kimura has a bright future ahead of him. He’s smart, clever, and eager to please. I’m not trying to say you’re not any good, far from it, but promotions tend to run slower for women. We’re used to you all quitting at thirty for married life, so we have to be sure you’ll be loyal to the company first.”

  Bullshit! Reina wanted to throw her chair back, prostrate herself on the floor, and swear to the gods of the business world that she would never, ever quit to become a housewife with five-billion kids. I won’t even take vacation time! Desperation did that.

  But she knew it was futile. This man, this world had made up their minds about her because of her gender. Slow moving! He could say that again! Two promotions Reina was perfectly apt for, and nothing? A demotion to secretary! Reina wasn’t a secretary! She could barely make coffee for herself! Who were they kidding?

  She had no choice but to accept the situation. Thankfully, her shock was still in her bones, allowing her to bow graciously and excuse herself with decorum

  The rest of the day went by in a slow flurry. Reina took deep breaths and attempted to concentrate on her work. But what was the point? Diligence would get her nowhere. She watched, with disdain, as Kimura was summoned into the section chief’s office and left with his own shock on his face, eyes instantly searching for Reina’s.

  She couldn’t furrow her brows enough.

  Come quitting time, she wanted nothing more than to bound home and drown her sorrow in beer and Aiko’s breasts. But her new duties as the secretary required her to help Kimura, her new overlord, wash dishes in the break room.

  They were alone, and Reina had to fight the urge to strangle him.

  “Ano, Yamada-senpai…” Why was he still calling her that? He was above her now! Might as well call her “Yamada-chan” since she would never be anything more than the resident little girl. “I’m sorry about you not getting that promotion. I never thought in a million years that I would be promoted before you.”

  “Yeah, well, that’s life.” Reina almost broke the cup in her hands.

  “I’m serious! You’re a lot smarter and a harder worker than me!” Kimura flung his dishrag down and faced her with conviction. “If anybody deserved any promotion, it’s you!”

  Reina snorted. “Thanks. I guess.”

  “Yamada…” Ah, there went the formalities. “I don’t want this promotion. Not if it means you’re left behind.”

  The next cup turned slowly in Reina’s hand; her heart caught in her throat. No. Not this.

  “I’ve been thinking about our conversations about dating and…marriage…and I…” He closed the gap between them, his breath minty on Reina’s face. “I’ve decided I can’t wait any longer since there’s almost no time left.” He squeezed his eyes shut. “Suki yo.”

  Reina shut off the tap. She gathered a towel and began drying off her mugs, head down, refusing to look at the anxiety on Kimura’s long face. His love confession went through one of her ears and out the other. “And what do you think that will accomplish? I’ll marry you and never have to worry about a promotion again?” Prove these assholes right.

  “Well, no, you can work if you want, I just thought…”

  “Thought what? You barely know me.” Reina stepped away under the guise of shelving the coffee mugs.

  “I know you well enough to know that I want to at least try. Please, give me a chance!”

  “And what do you know about me? I am not a conventional woman.”

  “I like that about you.” Kimura followed her. “You’re smart, and funny, and have your own style. I feel comfortable around you! I almost never feel comfortable around women.”

  Pity. I do. “It wouldn’t work.”

  “Why not? Is it me?”

  Reina sniffed her own cup and finished putting it away. “In a word, yes. Through no fault of your own.”

  “What is it? I can change it! Just give me a chance!”

  Reina squared her shoulders. “I’m not interested in men.”

  She didn’t know how he would take that. Most people, especially men, did not immediately jump to the “lesbian” conclusion, if they ever thought of it. Most took that as meaning she wasn’t interested in dating in general. Like she was yucking up her twenties, waiting until she started sagging a little before panicking about finding a husband.

  To her bitter surprise, Kimura backed away. “I see. I’m sorry. This is so…embarrassing.”

  “Welcome to the dating world.” Reina wiped her hands clean. “You are a nice and honest man, Kimura. I admit I haven’t met many as decent as you before. Just because I’m not interested doesn’t mean lots of women wouldn’t be. You’ll find someone you like even more than me someday.”

  They weren’t the last words she ever said to him, but they were the last that meant something. Reina gathered her things and left the building, her walk to the train station littered with almost tears.

  Aiko. Her mind went straight to her girlfriend the moment she sat down on the train. All the promises I can’t keep. Aiko seemed to only dream of taking care of their home. To ask her to get a job because Reina was incompetent at promotions was an awful thought. It would crush her.

  For the first time in her life, Reina felt beyond inadequate. Oh, sure, she had felt that crushing blow before, when Michiko rejected her and her mother told her what a disappointment she was. But this was different. This wasn’t a character flaw on Reina’s part: this was a piece of her driving a wedge between people and stopping any dreams she may have had. What are my dreams? A decent income allowing her and her girlfriend to live as they wanted. For Aiko that meant being a housewife…the woman of their relationship.

  Does that make me the man?

  Reina clung to the edge of her briefcase. It was not an uncommon thought in lesbian relationships: clearly, one of them had to be the man. That’s how it was. That’s how all relationships are. Reina had never thought of herself as male before, not even when previous girlfriends tried to get her to act like a proper “boyfriend.”

  But she had to grow up. Nobody lived in a paradise where they could be whomever they wanted. People like Aiko…they were natural, feminine women who kept house and sang songs while cooking and cleaning. Who made love on their backs with their legs in the air. Women like Reina…they cut their hair, put on suits, and went to work at a salary job to keep their femme counterparts happy.

  I’m the man.

  And men supported their families.

  I can’t. I never will. Reina beat back her tears with the end of her blazer. The train swerved around a corner and the other bodies pressing around her swayed in time. I will never go anywhere. She could stay in her job her entire life and never see a promotion. Not even past thirty, when her section chief would figure she was desperate to find a husband.

  And if she couldn’t get a promotion, she couldn’t properly provide for Aiko.

  She didn’t deserve that. She deserved somebody who could give her everything she wanted: the ability to stay at home, and some spending money to keep a smile on her face. Reina could barely pay the bills with almost nothing left over.

  Aiko was better off without her.

  The thought choked her. Just as it had choked her when she decided she had to break up with Mio five years before.

  At least she could set something right from this fiasco.

  * * *

  In order to keep herself in the right frame of mind for doing what she intended, Reina remained distant for the rest of the night and into the morning. She kept her dialogue with Aiko short, saying only the necessary words, and shirking any conversation that did not revolve around things such as money and food. Of course this made Aiko antsy, especially when Reina refused to bathe with her or, even worse, make love to her before they went to sleep. The dejection as Reina turned over and forced herself to sleep could have broken a thousand hear
ts.

  I’m sorry.

  After breakfast the next morning, she told her girlfriend she was going out for a walk. And walk Reina did, to the train station, her sweater choking her while her nails dug into the palms of her hands. She had to buy a drink at the station to keep bile at bay.

  She rode through the city, passing through the biggest hubs and ignoring the hordes of people. Eventually she changed lines and headed into the western neighborhoods, where aunties dressed in expensive kimono and men wore the finest business suits.

  For a mid-autumn Saturday, the weather was agreeable – it was the only thing agreeable. A parade in her honor could have marched down the street and Reina still wouldn’t smile. They could all be naked women, too. Still wouldn’t matter. No point being cheerful that day.

  She saw Shizuka in the front yard before the woman watering plants saw her. When Shizuka looked up she gasped, her head spinning around in search of her cousin.

  “What are you doing here?” She motioned the water can toward Reina on the other side of the gate. “Is Ai-chan with you?”

  “No.” Reina saw Ren in the far corner of the garden, dirtying himself in a pile of fertilizer. She wondered where the newborn was. “Is your aunt here?”

  Shizuka looked uneasily toward the house. “Last I saw her she was in the living area with Daisuke.”

  An invisible force punched Reina in the chest. “Daisuke?” The only Daisuke she knew of was Aiko’s old boyfriend. That was five years ago!

  “You know, the baby.”

  And that was a slap against Reina’s head. “You named your baby Daisuke?”

  “Why not? It was my husband’s idea. What are you here for, anyway?”

  Reina stepped through the gate. “I need to talk to your aunt.”

  “Whatever about? You know she doesn’t like you, especially after what happened.”

  “Must you remind me?” Reina danced around her, mindful to not step on the toddler in the bushes. “I won’t be long.”

  Before Shizuka could utter another protest, Reina presented herself at the front door. The doorbell buzzed to life inside, summoning the beast within.

  “Hai. hai.” The door opened. Junko’s pleasant mannerisms instantly deteriorated the moment she encountered Reina. I am the garlic to her vampirism.

  “You.” She tried to slide the door shut again.

  “Me.” Reina jerked it back open with one hand.

  Junko wrinkled her nose as if she smelled something foul. “What is the meaning of this? What do you want with me?”

  “We need to talk.”

  “I have nothing to say to you.”

  “Oh, I think you do.”

  Within another minute Reina managed to finagle her way into the house, leaving her shoes in the genkan while following the sounds of a gurgling baby named Daisuke.

  He sat in his basket atop the living area table, brown and wrinkly. Reina recoiled. That came from Shizuka? It looked like Junko! The disposed woman ambled in behind her, sitting at the table without offering tea or coffee. The absence of such hospitality made Reina briefly think of Kimura in his quest to please her.

  They sat down across from one another, Junko’s arms folding while Reina’s head bowed in deference. “Speak,” the former said.

  “I’m here to talk about Aiko.”

  A flash of maternal panic overtook Junko, paling her face and causing her wrinkles to disappear. But only for a second. Soon enough she was back to her brusque self. “Are you here to rub in what you have done to her?”

  Reina ignored the absurdity of that accusation. “I’ve come to discuss what will become of her in this family.”

  “Because of you?” Junko narrowed her eyes. “Thanks to that stunt you two pulled at obon, the whole family knows about her…depravity. So much pity coming in this direction! If it were up to me, I’d send you both to a proper matchmaker and have you fixed by a doctor. Failing at that, I’d find a way to evict you from my daughter’s house so she may be saved, even if you’re determined to ruin your life. You’re not my daughter to deal with.”

  No, she certainly wasn’t. Reina’s mother had given up on that feat a long time before. “Will you disown her?”

  “Disown?” Junko balked at the suggestion. “Ara! God knows it’s been suggested to me. At the moment I have no idea. Why do you care?”

  “Because I care for Aiko, and I know she loves you and wishes to please you.”

  “Then tell her to get rid of you.” Junko rocked the baby’s basket.

  “I may be gone soon enough.”

  Junko stopped rocking the basket. “Do you promise it?”

  Reina swallowed the reemerging bile. “If I…if I leave her, and never speak to her again, would you forgive her?” Her voice petered out by the end of her breath.

  “If you left her forever, I would dance naked at the shrine and bathe her in blessings. Perhaps it’s not too late for her to start over again as a proper young lady.”

  That’s more than Mio’s mother offered. It was a chance that Aiko would have to take.

  Their brief encounter ended with a grim understanding between them: Reina would break up with Aiko to help her save what face she had left. After that, it was up to the Takeuchis to decide what the short term punishment would be for their youngest daughter.

  All Reina had to do was break up with her.

  It’s for her own good.

  * * *

  If Aiko wondered what was wrong with her girlfriend, it was brief. After all, this wasn’t the first time Reina became moody, uncooperative, and completely unsociable for longer than a day. Aiko resigned herself to a boring weekend during which even she couldn’t get laid – not if Reina was in the habit of rejecting her.

  When Reina returned from her “walk” around noon, Aiko had lunch ready: croquettes slathered in a special sauce and served atop fresh cabbage and apples. She hoped her girlfriend would respond favorably to one of her favorite meals, but Reina only stared at her plate.

  Throughout their meal Aiko pried into Reina’s well being, making sure she wasn’t ill or into some bad business. Her girlfriend shook her head and refused to answer. After lunch, Aiko cleaned up the dishes, mulling over the different ways she could lift Reina’s mood.

  Reina still sat at the table, chin in hand, when Aiko returned. She sat next to her girlfriend with a smile. “Why don’t we do something? Should we go to Ni-chome tonight?” They hadn’t partied there in about a month. Clearly, Reina was due.

  Yet she shook her head again, eyes avoiding Aiko’s.

  “Okay. We’ll stay in. How about renting a video? It’s starting to get chilly out so we could make a cozy blanket fort in front of the TV like we used to do in my old bedroom.” Oh, those were good memories! Only now we can be as openly naughty as we want. Aiko slid her hand over Reina’s knee. She normally wasn’t this sexually excited so early in the day, but being told “no” the night before carried over.

  Reina pushed her girlfriend’s hand off her. “We need to talk.”

  The edge in her voice was less than reassuring. “About what? Did I do something bad?” Aiko had no idea what it could be, but granted Reina’s irritability, it was the only possibility.

  Forcing her fists to shake within themselves, Reina regarded her girlfriend with mild contempt. What in the world did I do? “You didn’t do anything. It’s me.”

  “What about you?” Aiko extended her hand to take Reina’s.

  “Don’t.” She shook her off. “Don’t make this any harder.”

  “Make what harder? What’s gotten into you?”

  Reina studied the table she helped move in only four months earlier. “I think it’s best if we broke up.”

  No. Aiko had heard her wrong. No, no, no. “What are you talking about? Best for what? Because I don’t know about you, but I’ve had no complaints in our relationship lately!”

  “You didn’t do anything!” Reina slapped her hand upon the table, shaking the TV remote and small bo
wl of candies. “It’s me! I’m not good enough for you!”

  “What are you talking about? Huh? What’s gotten into your head now?”

  Reina choked on a lump in her throat, her forehead meeting the table. The hell is this? Break up! Well, if that wasn’t completely out of the empty air! But when her bemusement abated, she began to see the pain on Reina’s face, outlining a cause she had been thinking about for a long time. She wouldn’t make love to me last night. Aiko should have seen it coming.

  “I didn’t get the other promotion.”

  Of all the things! It almost made Aiko want to laugh. “That’s it? That’s why you want to break up with me? Do you think I think less of you for not getting a promotion again?”

  “No. I mean yes. I mean…” Reina lifted her head, her countenance as pale as a ghost’s. “I’m never going to get a promotion. I’m a vagina to them.”

  Aiko slipped her hands over Reina’s. “You’re not just one to me…”

  “How can I take care of you?” Their fingers crumpled together. “How can I help you have the life you want? You’ll have to get a job eventually, because mine is going nowhere.” Reina sniffed. “I’m sorry. It’s for the best if we part.”

  “What makes you say that? What makes you think you can’t help me have the life I want?” Brows furrowed, Aiko thought back to the times Reina had made decisions on her behalf. Usually they were sexual, and in the long run inconsequential. But this! They hadn’t even discussed it! “I want a life with you. I wouldn’t have moved in with you if I didn’t!”

  Reina rubbed her eyes with the back of her hand. “But your mother…”

  “Forget her! I’m starting my own household now! I don’t need her telling me what to do!” Aiko clasped her other hand over their folded ones. “We’re not just roommates, Reina. We’re a family.” She held in a sob. “Tell me everything that’s led you to this decision.”

  Slowly, as if digging out the details from a criminal suspect, Reina divulged her insecurities from losing a promotion to a junior. And not just any junior – a junior who confessed an attraction to her. If that wasn’t bad enough, there was Mio and the way Reina had completely botched that relationship. And Junko! Did she really go to Aiko’s old house that morning? Did she really have that conversation, implying they would break up in exchange for maternal forgiveness? She didn’t know whether to cry in outrage or weep.