Plays

by Anton Chekhov

  CHEBUTYKIN [laughing]: Don’t touch her, don’t touch her ...

  MASHA: You’re sixty years old, but you’re always talking some damn-fool nonsense, like a little boy.

  NATASHA [sighing]: Dear Masha, why do you use such expressions in conversation? With your nice looks, I tell you frankly, you would be simply charming in good society if it weren’t for those words of yours. Je vous prie pardonnez moi, Marie, mais vous avez des manières un peu grossieres.8

  TUZENBAKH [holding back his laughter]: Give me ... give me ... I think there’s some brandy over there ...

  NATASHA: Il parait, que mon Bobik déjà ne dort pas,9he’s woken up. My baby’s not very well today. I’ll go to him, excuse me ... [Exit.]

  IRINA: But where’s Aleksandr Ignatyich gone?

  MASHA: Home. There’s another problem with his wife.

  TUZENBAKH [going up to Solyony, with the brandy decanter in his hand]: You’re always sitting by yourself, thinking about something — who knows what. So, let’s make it up. Let’s drink some brandy.

  [They drink.]

  Today I’ll have to play the piano all night, probably have to play all kinds of stupid things ... Well, it happens ...

  SOLYONY: What is there to make up? I haven’t quarrelled with you.

  TUZENBAKH: You always give off the feeling that something has happened between us. You must admit you have a strange character.

  SOLYONY [declaiming]: I am strange, who is not! Be not angry, Aleko.10

  TUZENBAKH: What’s Aleko got to do with it ...

  [A pause.]

  SOLYONY: When I’m alone with someone, then it’s fine, I’m like everyone else, but in company I’m depressed, shy and ... I talk all sorts of nonsense. But still I’m more honest and more decent than very, very many others. And I can prove that.

  TUZENBAKH: I often get angry with you, you’re constantly picking on me when we’re in company, but still for some reason I find you sympathetic. Come what may, I’m going to get drunk today. Chin-chin!

  SOLYONY: Chin-chin!

  [They drink.]

  I’ve never had anything against you, Baron. But I have Lermontov’s character.11 [Quietly] I even look a little like Lermontov ... so people say ... [Takes a bottle of scent out of his pocket and puts some on his hands.]

  TUZENBAKH: I’m going to retire. Basta!12I’ve been thinking about it for five years and I’ve finally made up my mind. I shall work.

  SOLYONY [declaiming]: Be not angry, Aleko ... Forget, forget your dreams ...

  [While they are talking ANDREY enters quietly with a book and sits down by the candle.]

  TUZENBAKH: I shall work ...

  CHEBUTYKIN [coming into the drawing-room with IRINA]: And they also gave us proper Caucasian food: soup with onion, and for the main course — chekhartmá, of meat.

  SOLYONY: Cheremshá isn’t meat at all but a plant like our onion.

  CHEBUTYKIN: No, my friend. Chekhartmá isn’t an onion but a meat dish of mutton.

  SOLYONY: But I’m telling you, cheremshá is an onion.

  CHEBUTYKIN: And I’m telling you, chekhartmá is mutton.

  SOLYONY: But I’m telling you, cheremshá is an onion.

  CHEBUTYKIN: Why am I having to argue with you? You’ve never been to the Caucasus and you haven’t eaten chekhartmá.

  SOLYONY: I haven’t eaten it because I can’t stand it. Cheremshá gives off the same smell as garlic.

  ANDREY [beseechingly]: Gentlemen, enough! Please!

  TUZENBAKH: When are the mummers coming?

  IRINA: They promised towards nine; so, any minute.

  TUZENBAKH [hugging Andrey]: ‘Oh lobby, my lobby, my lob-lob-lobby...’ 13

  ANDREY [dancing and singing]: ‘My brand new lobby, my maple-wood lobby...’

  CHEBUTYKIN [dancing]: ‘My trellis-covered lobby!’

  [Laughter.]

  TUZENBAKH [kissing Andrey]: What the hell, let’s drink, Andryusha, let’s drink to brotherhood.14 And I’m going to Moscow with you too, Andryusha, to the university.

  SOLYONY: Which one? There are two universities in Moscow.

  ANDREY: There’s only one university in Moscow.

  SOLYONY: And I tell you there are two.

  ANDREY: How about three? All the better.

  SOLYONY: There are two universities in Moscow.

  [Murmurs and booing.]

  There are two universities in Moscow, the old one and the new one. But if you don’t want to listen, if what I say annoys you, then I can stop speaking. I can even go into another room. [Goes out of one of the doors.]

  TUZENBAKH: Bravo, bravo! [Laughs.] My friends, let’s begin, I’m sitting down to play! What a funny fellow that Solyony is ... [Sits down at the piano and plays a waltz.]

  MASHA [waltzing alone]: The Baron is drunk, is drunk, is drunk!

  [Enter NATASHA.]

  NATASHA [to Chebutykin]: Ivan Romanych! [Says something to Chebutykin, then quietly goes out.]

  [CHEBUTYKIN touches Tuzenbakh on the shoulder and whispers something to him.]

  IRINA: What is it?

  CHEBUTYKIN: It’s time for us to go. Goodbye.

  TUZENBAKH: Good night. It’s time to go.

  IRINA: But ... but what about the mummers? ...

  ANDREY [embarrassed]: There won’t be any mummers. You see, my dear, Natasha says that Bobik isn’t very well, and so ... The fact is, I don’t know, it’s really all the same to me.

  IRINA [shrugging her shoulders]: Bobik isn’t well!

  MASHA: Well, there we are! They’re shooing us out, so we’d better go. [To Irina] It isn’t Bobik who’s sick but she herself ... Here! [Taps her forehead with her finger.] Common little woman!15

  [ANDREY goes out of the right-hand door to his room, CHEBUTYKIN follows him; people say their goodbyes in the hall.]

  FEDOTIK: What a pity! I was counting on having a nice evening, but if the little boy is ill, then of course ... Tomorrow I’ll bring him some toys ...

  RODE [loudly]: I deliberately had a good sleep after dinner today, I thought I’d be dancing all night. It’s only nine o’clock now!

  MASHA: Let’s go out in the street and talk there. We’ll decide what to do.

  [‘Goodbye!’ and ‘Good night!’ can be heard. Also TUZENBAKH’s merry laugh. Everyone leaves. ANFISA and a MAID clear the table and put out the lights. There is the voice of the nursemaid singing. ANDREY wearing overcoat and hat and CHEBUTYKIN enter quietly.]

  CHEBUTYKIN: I didn’t find time to marry because life flashed by, like lightning, and because I was madly in love with your mother, who was married ...

  ANDREY: We shouldn’t get married. We shouldn’t, because it’s boring.

  CHEBUTYKIN: Yes, that’s true, but what about loneliness? However much philosophy one spouts, loneliness is a frightful thing, old chap ... Although really ... of course, it absolutely cannot matter!

  ANDREY: Let’s hurry up and go.

  CHEBUTYKIN: What’s the rush? We’ve got time.

  ANDREY: I’m afraid my wife will stop us.

  CHEBUTYKIN: Ah!

  ANDREY: Today I’m not going to play, I’ll just sit a bit. I don’t feel well ... Ivan Romanych, what can I do about shortness of breath?

  CHEBUTYKIN: What a question! I don’t remember, old chap. I don’t know.

  ANDREY: Let’s go out through the kitchen.

  [The bell rings, then it rings again; there is the sound of voices and laughter. They go out.]

  IRINA [entering]: Who’s that?

  ANFISA [in a whisper]: The mummers!

  [A bell.]

  IRINA: Tell them, Nyanya dear, that there’s no one at home. They must excuse us.

  [ANFISA goes out. IRINA walks about the room thinking. She is agitated. Enter SOLYONY.]

  SOLYONY [nonplussed]: There’s no one here ... Where is everybody?

  IRINA: They’ve gone home.

  SOLYONY: That’s odd. Are you alone here?

  IRINA: I am.

  [A pause.]

  Goo
d night.

  SOLYONY: Just now I behaved tactlessly, without self-control. But you’re not like all the others, you are high-minded and pure, you can see the truth ... You’re the only, only one who can understand me. I love you, I love you deeply, infinitely ...

  IRINA: Good night! Go away.

  SOLYONY: I can’t live without you. [Following her.] Oh my happiness! [With tears in his eyes] Oh bliss! What magnificent, wonderful, astounding eyes, the like of which I’ve seen in no other woman ...

  IRINA [coldly]: Stop it, Vasily Vasilyich!

  SOLYONY: I’m speaking of my love for you for the first time, and I feel as if I’m not on earth but another planet. [Wipes his forehead.] Well, it doesn’t matter. Of course one can’t make oneself loved ... But I cannot have a successful rival ... I cannot ... I swear to you by all that’s holy, I will kill any rival ... You sublime woman!

  [NATASHA passes through with a candle.]

  NATASHA [looks through one door, then another and walks past the door leading to her husband’s room]: Andrey’s in there. Let him read. Forgive me, Vasily Vasilyich, I didn’t know you were here, I’m not dressed ...

  SOLYONY: I don’t care. Good night! [Exit.]

  NATASHA: But you’re tired, my poor dear girl! [Kisses Irina.] You should go to bed earlier.

  IRINA: Is Bobik asleep?

  NATASHA: He is. But his sleep is restless. By the way, dear, I wanted to say to you, but either you’re not here or I haven’t the time ... I think that it’s cold and damp for Bobik in the present nursery. But your room is such a nice one for a child. My darling, move in with Olya for the time being!

  IRINA [not understanding]: Where?

  [The ring of the bells of a troika driving up to the house.]

  NATASHA: You’ll be in one room with Olya, for the moment, and Bobik will have your room. He’s such a sweetheart, today I was saying to him, ‘Bobik, you’re mine! Mine!’ And he looked at me with his darling little eyes.

  [A bell.]

  That must be Olga. How late she is!

  [The maid goes up to Natasha and whispers in her ear.]

  NATASHA: Protopopov? What a funny man. Protopopov has come and is inviting me to go for a troika drive with him. [Laughs.] How strange these men are ...

  [A bell.]

  Someone’s there. Why not go for a drive just for a quarter of an hour... [To the maid] Tell him I’m coming.

  [A bell.]

  The bell ... That must be Olga ... [Exit.]

  [The maid runs off; IRINA sits thinking; enter KULYGIN and OLGA, followed by VERSHININ.]

  KULYGIN: What’s going on? They said they were having a party.

  VERSHININ: That’s funny, I went away just now, half an hour ago, and they were expecting the mummers ...

  IRINA: Everyone’s gone.

  KULYGIN: Has Masha gone too? Where has she gone? And why is Protopopov waiting down there in a troika? Who’s he waiting for?

  IRINA: Don’t ask questions ... I’m tired.

  KULYGIN: You are being difficult ...

  OLGA: The meeting has only just finished. I’m worn out. Our headmistress is ill and I’m now standing in for her. My head, I’ve got a headache, my head ... [Sits down.] Andrey lost two hundred roubles yesterday at cards ... The whole town is talking about it ...

  KULYGIN: Yes, I got tired at the meeting too. [Sits down.]

  VERSHININ: My wife just now had the idea of giving me a fright and almost managed to poison herself. It’s turned out all right, and I’m glad, I can rest now ... So, we’ve got to go? Very well, let me wish you good night. Fyodor Ilyich, let’s go somewhere! I can’t stay at home, I really can’t ... Let’s go!

  KULYGIN: I’m tired. I won’t. [Gets up.] I’m tired. Did my wife go home?

  IRINA: I think so.

  KULYGIN [kisses Irina’s hand]: Good night. Tomorrow and the next day — a complete rest. Goodbye! [Going.] I really want some tea. I was expecting to spend the evening in agreeable company and - O fallacem hominum spem!16An example of the accusative case in an exclamation.

  VERSHININ: So, I’ll go off by myself. [Goes out with Kulygin, whistling.]

  OLGA: My head aches, my head ... Andrey lost ... the whole town is talking ... I’ll go and lie down. [Going.] Tomorrow I’m free ... Heavens, how good that is! Tomorrow I’m free, the day after tomorrow I’m free ... My head aches, my head ... [Exit.]

  IRINA [alone]: They’ve all gone. There’s nobody left.

  [An accordion is being played in the street; the nursemaid is singing a song.]

  NATASHA [walks through the hall wearing a fur coat and hat; she is followed by the maid]: I’ll be back home in half an hour. I’m just going for a little drive. [Exit.]

  IRINA [left alone and overcome by longing]: Moscow! Moscow! Moscow!

  [Curtain.]

  Act Three

  Olga and Irina’s room.1Left and right are beds surrounded by screens. It is after two in the morning. Offstage the alarm is being sounded for a fire which has been raging for a long time. It is clear no one in the house has gone to bed. MASHA is lying on the divan dressed in her usual black dress. Enter OLGA and ANFISA.

  ANFISA: They’re sitting down there by the stairs now ... I told them, ‘Come up,’ I said, ‘it’s all right, come just as you are,’ and they cried. They said, ‘We don’t know where Papa is. Pray God he isn’t burnt,’ they said. What a thing to imagine! And there are some people in the yard ... they haven’t any clothes either.

  OLGA [taking clothes out of the cupboard]: Take this grey one ... And this ... The blouse too ... And take this skirt, Nyanya ... My God, what a business! It seems the whole of Kirsanov Lane has burnt down ... Take this ... Take this ... [Throws clothes into her arms.] The Vershinins got a fright, poor things ... Their house almost went up. They can spend the night here ... we can’t let them go home ... Everything of poor Fedotik’s is burnt, nothing’s left ...

  ANFISA: Would you call Ferapont, Olechka, otherwise I won’t be able to carry so much ...

  OLGA [ringing]: No one hears the bell ... [Through the door] Come in here, anyone who’s there!

  [Through the open door a window can be seen glowing red with the fire; the sound of a fire engine passing.]

  What a terrible thing! I’ve just had enough!

  [Enter FERAPONT.]

  Take these things and carry them downstairs ... The Kolotilin young ladies are standing by the stairs ... give them to them. And give them this ...

  FERAPONT: I will. In 1812 Moscow burnt down too.2 Good Lord above! The French were amazed.

  OLGA: Go down, get on.

  FERAPONT: I will. [Goes out.]

  OLGA: Nyanya dear, give everything away. We don’t need anything, give it all away, Nyanya ... I’m tired, I can hardly stand on my feet ... We mustn’t let the Vershinins go home ... The girls can sleep in the drawing-room and Aleksandr Ignatyich can go downstairs with the Baron ... Fedotik too can go with the Baron or we can have him in the reception hall ... The Doctor is drunk, terribly drunk, it’s as if he’s done it deliberately, and no one can go to him. And Vershinin’s wife can go in the drawing-room.

  ANFISA [exhaustedly]: Olyushka dear, don’t send me away! Don’t!

  OLGA: You’re talking nonsense, Nyanya. No one is sending you away.

  ANFISA [putting her head on Olga’s breast]: My darling, my golden girl, I slave, I work ... When I get weak, they’ll all say, ‘Get out!’ But where will I go? Where? Eighty years old. Eighty-one ...

  OLGA: You sit down, Nyanya ... You’ve got tired, poor thing ... [Makes her sit down.] Have a rest, my dear. You’re quite pale!

  [Enter NATASHA.]

  NATASHA: They’re saying out there we must form an association to help the victims of the fire as soon as possible ... It’s an excellent idea, don’t you think? One should always help poor people, that’s a duty of the rich. Bobik and Sofochka are fast asleep, sleeping as if nothing had happened. We’ve got so many people everywhere, wherever you go, the house is full. There’s a lot of
influenza now in town, I’m frightened the children will catch it.

  OLGA [not listening to her]: In this room you can’t see the fire, it’s quiet here ...

  NATASHA: Yes ... I must look a mess. [Looking in a mirror.] Someone said I’d got fatter ... that’s just not true! Not true at all! Masha’s sleeping, she’s worn out, poor thing ... [Coldly, to Anfisa] Don’t you dare sit in my presence! Get up! Get out of here!

  [ANFISA goes out; a pause.]

  And why you keep on that old woman I just do not understand!

  OLGA [dumbfounded]: I’m sorry, I don’t understand either ...

  NATASHA: She’s got nothing to do here. She’s a peasant, she should live in her village ... You’re just pampering her! I like to have order in the house! There shouldn’t be people with nothing to do in the house. [Strokes Olga’s cheek.] You’re tired, you poor dear! Our headmistress is tired! And when my Sofochka grows up and goes to the Gymnasium, I’ll be frightened of you.

  OLGA: I won’t be headmistress.

  NATASHA: They’ll appoint you, Olechka. That’s been decided.

  OLGA: I’ll refuse. I can’t ... I’m not strong enough ... [Drinks some water.] Just now you were so rude to Nyanya ... I’m sorry, I can’t stand it ... it went dark in front of my eyes ...