Andy's Song

by Beth Burnett

  Looking around the room, I’m pleasantly surprised by the group assembled. Sure, there are a couple of women who look like what I expected to see at a yoga class; they’re blonde and slender and wearing obviously expensive color-coordinated outfits. The rest of the class seems to consist of regular people. There are a couple of gray haired old ladies in track suits. They look like sisters, but they could be a couple. I don’t want to make assumptions. There are a couple of people in sweats and tank tops. There are overweight women and skinny women and everything in between. The instructor looks to be about my age, but pretty. She’s dark skinned with a short Afro and high cheekbones. She smiles at me when I catch her eye. Pretty. Maybe this wasn’t such a bad idea after all.

  Forty minutes later, I’m bent over in a ridiculous manner, glaring at Renee from between my legs. She smiles lovingly. “Breathe into it, Andy.”

  Right. Breathe. I can’t believe this. I can run five miles, play a game of racquetball, and still have enough strength and energy left over for marathon sex. I will not let yoga defeat me. I sneak a peek at the hot instructor, but she is completely focused on the class. I try not to let it get to me. Leah is perfectly folded into a pose from Yoga magazine. She smiles at me.

  “Did you know that archaeologists discovered stone carvings depicting yoga positions in the Indus Valley?”

  Fascinating. I grunt at her as we change positions. The instructor is giving tips for the new people in class, but glancing at my classmates, they all seem to be flowing smoothly from one position to the next. The teacher heads my way.

  “Let me show you child’s pose. If you ever feel dizzy or fatigued during a session, you can move into this pose for as long as you want.”

  Great. I’m the dunce of the class. Still, child’s pose feels pretty good. Resting my head on the mat, I breathe along with the others. I decide to rest here for a few minutes while they finish their workout. Finally, the instructor tells them to go into savasana which, judging from the movements means to sprawl on their backs for a power nap. Flipping over onto my back, I relax against the mat. The teacher is talking about something, a guided meditation maybe. Shutting her out, I start planning the rest of my day.

  Leah pokes me in the rib cage. “Hey, wake up. We’re done.”

  My body feels a little heavy. I must have fallen asleep. Renee and Leah are standing, holding their mats. Blinking to clear my eyes, I stand up and roll my mat into a tube. I dawdle a little, hoping to catch the instructor’s eye, but she is on the other side of the room talking with the old ladies. It’s just as well. All I need in my life right now is one more woman.

  Leah and Renee are debating where to eat. I only have one qualification. “I want a burger.”

  Leah shakes her head. “After that phenomenal class? You need healthy nourishment now.”

  “I need a burger and I’m going to have one.”

  Renee links her arm through mine. “Let’s walk over to Polly’s. It’s only a couple of blocks and they have something for everyone.”

  Leah nods and starts walking. Polly’s is fine. I love Polly’s. I just don’t want to run into Davey and Danny again. Still, they do make some pretty fantastic burgers, and the ladies can eat food that nourishes their souls or whatever the hell they need.

  Bradley, the owner of Polly’s, swoops down on Leah as soon as we enter. Hugging her to his side, he nods and smiles at me and Renee, then leads us to a table by the window.

  “Leah,” he fawns. “Your first round of drinks is on me.” He kisses her on the cheek and is gone again before I can catch my breath. Renee raises an eyebrow as we find our seats. “What was that about?”

  Leah is giggling. “I don’t know, but I like it.”

  “He’s probably seen an increase in business since the last time you were here. Apparently, you were quite the floor show.”

  “Pshaw,” she retorts. “I was just having a sex talk with my daughter.”

  “Pshaw?” Renee looks incredulous. “Does anyone really say ‘pshaw’?”

  “Wait until the first time she says ‘Phooey,’” I reply.

  Leah waves her hand dismissively. “We mock that which we do not understand.”

  Renee pats Leah’s hand, and then turns to me. “Speaking of that which we do not understand....”

  “Yes.”

  “How’s the sex class?”

  “We have one more class next Friday. It’s kind of the wrap up, but you are more than welcome to join.”

  “I don’t think I need any instruction in that area.”

  “That’s what Andy thinks, too. You might both be surprised.”

  “I’d be surprised if I learned anything,” I interject.

  Renee laughs. We order our food and return to the conversation.

  “It isn’t all just about sex and sex techniques, you know. It’s about women being empowered to explore and enjoy their own sexuality. It’s about taking back control of our own bodies.”

  “I’m not opposed to it in theory, Leah.” Renee looks thoughtful. “It’s just that it sounds a little creepy.”

  “That’s because you don’t understand.”

  “I don’t understand how standing around naked empowers women.” I’m not being an asshole, I just want to understand.

  “It was an exercise in believing in and accepting the naked beauty of all women, regardless of size, shape, age, color.”

  “And the orgasm exercises?”

  “Well, a woman should know how to pleasure herself so she can teach her partner. And a woman who is secure in what she needs is able to convey that to her partner.”

  Shaking my head, I lean back so the server can place our food on the table. “I’m all for women knowing what they need to be sexually satisfied. I just can’t see myself in a group setting with a bunch of other women playing with vibrators and trying to make ourselves have the big O.”

  Renee clasps a hand over her mouth. “I might have gone to that one,” she says, grinning.

  Leah digs into her salad. “Our purpose in life is to understand and love ourselves so we can understand and love everyone else.”

  I lean back in my chair, grinning. “Well, I understand myself perfectly, and I have made great inroads into loving everyone.”

  “Fucking everyone and loving everyone is not the same thing,” Renee counters.

  “Whose side are you on?”

  “Yours, of course. We all are.”

  Leah concurs. “You have a lot of love in your life, Andy.”

  She’s right. I do have a lot of love in my life.

  “How’s that burger, Andy?”

  I take a big, juicy bite of my burger and close my eyes, savoring the flavor. “It’s perfect.”

  Renee snags one of my sweet potato fries. “I did promise you a burger after yoga.”

  “Still seems like defeating the purpose to me,” Leah adds.

  “Judge not, lest ye be judged,” Renee chides gently.

  “I try,” Leah sighs. “I truly do. But I don’t always succeed.”

  “Neither do I. I just try to be mindful of the practice of loving people.”

  “You can love people and still judge them.”

  “I agree. But to love them unconditionally is the key.”

  “That’s a little harder.”

  I’m letting their conversation wash over me as I try to surreptitiously read the text Heather just sent me. “I can’t stop thinking about last night.”

  Renee and Leah move on to the difference between Renee’s religion and Leah’s spirituality. Yawn. It isn’t that I don’t believe in the possibility of a god or a goddess or a creator or whatever; it’s just that I don’t want to waste my time on unanswerable questions. I’d rather live my life now.

  “Loved it, too. Want to do it again soon.”

  “The dinner?”

  “The dessert.”

  I wait a second for her response. When it comes, it doesn’t disappoint. “Bet you love eating dessert.”

&nbs
p; “Andy!” Leah grabs my cell phone from my hand and throws it into her purse.

  “I was just answering a text.”

  “And not relating to the people at this table. If you don’t want to be here with us, go sit by yourself.”

  “Seriously, Leah. It was just a text.”

  “No, it’s rude. You’re ignoring us so you can play with your phone. Would you consider it rude if I picked up a book and started reading it while we were having a meal together?”

  “It’s not the same thing.” I send an imploring look to Renee.

  “I agree with Leah,” she says. “Sorry, Andy. But unless it’s an emergency, I don’t understand why you can’t wait half an hour to respond.”

  Now I’m getting pissed. It isn’t as if I have been sitting here ignoring them the whole time. I’m trying to think of a defense, but I know it’s useless. Just trying to fight Leah is hard enough. Renee and Leah together are impossible. Heather is going to have to wait for my response. I shrug and take a sip of water.

  “So Andy, what are your Saturday night plans?”

  “I’m going to go home, take a nap, clean my house, finish the bookcase I’m building, and then sit around on my butt for the rest of the night watching movies and eating pizza.”

  Leah shakes her head sadly. “I don’t understand how you stay in such great shape when you eat such crap.”

  “Spend a week working out with me and you’ll have your answer.”

  Renee grabs the bill and whips out her wallet.

  “Whoa, whoa, whoa...wealthy person’s prerogative. I’m paying the bill.” I make a move to take it from her, but she’s already thrusting the money and the bill back at the server. “Forget it, Andy. You always try to pay. It’s my turn for once.”

  Leah rummages around in her purse. “At least let us contribute.”

  Renee gives Leah a one armed hug. “Next time, you can buy me lunch.”

  Leah hands over my cell phone as we head out the door. “Next time, keep it put away at the table.”

  “Phooey.”

  “Phooey, yourself.”

  Renee and Leah hug. I lean over and kiss Leah on the cheek “I’m sorry, Leah. I won’t let it happen again.”

  “I know you won’t. Next time, I’ll flush it down the toilet.”

  She turns around and struts off toward Danny and Davey’s house. Maybe she’s having dinner with them tonight. I squelch a twinge of jealousy.

  Renee interrupts my thoughts. “Need help building that bookcase?”

  “I’d love it.”

  “Come on. I’ll take you home and help you do your chores. Then we can order pizza and watch movies together.”

  “Renee, why are you such a sweet person?”

  “It’s just my nature, I guess.” She grins.

  “So, since you’re coming to my house for fun activities and a night of movies and pizza, does this make you my Saturday night date?”

  “Call it whatever you want, but you’re not getting any at the end of the night.”

  “It’s because of my hair, isn’t it?”

  She looks me up and down. “Absolutely. You have terrible hair.”

  “I’ll work on it. Let’s go.”

  We get into her car and I smile at her as we open the windows and crank up the CD player.

  “Renee?”

  “Yes, Andy?”

  “Are you one-hundred percent sure that our date is not going to end in sex?”

  “One-hundred percent.”

  “Good. Then I’m not going to bother shaving my legs.”

  Chapter Nine

  For some reason, I’m really excited for my party tonight. Renee and I got the house in perfect condition yesterday. I’m usually kind of a solitary person. I like to be alone. I have all sorts of hobbies and I can’t say that I’m ever bored. So generally, I don’t seek out the company of people just to have company. Still, the idea of a party is a fun one. I like my house, and I’m happy to share it with people—sometimes.

  Renee ended up spending the night last night. No, we didn’t have sex, of course. I’m pretty sure I would if she came on to me, but she never has and that small part of me that loves her so much as a friend knows it is probably not a great idea. She is fantastic with woodworking, though. We finished putting the bookshelf together, and she helped me with a few small repairs around the house. And, instead of having to eat pizza, she made a fantastic quinoa pilaf with ingredients we picked up on the way home. As I’ve said, I’m not opposed to vegetarianism. I just like to eat meat sometimes, and I don’t think there is anything wrong with that.

  Davey had invited Steve and Erik. She called me yesterday to say that they have a friend in town and wanted to bring her. Then Leah told me that she ordered salad from Polly’s and while she was placing the order, she invited Bradley and his partner to the party. And she invited someone from her sex class. It is now officially a party instead of a small gathering.

  At any rate, Lynne and Sarah are coming, and they offered to bring non-alcoholic drinks. I’ve picked up beer and some booze. I told everyone to bring a bottle of whatever they might want to drink, along with their own food contribution. Potlucks are such a lesbian thing. I should have just had it catered. I didn’t know there were going to be so many people.

  Renee and I had a lazy Sunday morning, drinking coffee and hanging out on the couch reading the Sunday paper. We had a light lunch, and I breezed through a hard workout while she went home to get her clothes for the party. I have to hand it to her. A Sunday workout is a lot easier after a homemade meal and some herbal tea than a full pizza and several beers. She came back with several cases of beer and some hors d’oeuvres. With the guest list expanding, we decided that finger food was probably the best bet.

  Freshly showered, I’m setting out glasses and bottles of booze. The anticipation of a party is probably better than the party itself. We are almost finished setting up when Leah lets herself in.

  “I brought an assortment of salads, all homemade by moi.”

  Renee looks impressed. “They look great!”

  “They weren’t made by her. She bought them at Polly’s.”

  “Well, they’re homemade by Bradley and his staff.”

  “Leah,” I say, leaning over to give her a kiss. “Did you drive yourself?”

  “No, Lynne and Sarah are having an argument in their car. They’ve been fighting the whole way here.”

  Great. More drama. I hope they leave it in the car.

  Renee looks worried. “Should I go see if they’re okay?”

  “No!” Leah and I both answer at once.

  Davey pokes her head into the kitchen. “Danny and I are here. We’ve got brownies. He’s putting some music in your CD player.”

  How could I forget about music? It’s only one of the most important things in my life. I take the brownies from Davey and hand spoons to Leah for the salads. Heading to the living room, I stop to chat with Danny.

  “I hope you don’t mind me putting on music,” he says. “I’ll change it if you want.”

  “No, you have great taste. I just forgot.”

  He stands and hugs me. “How are you doing?”

  “I’m well, Danny. How are you?”

  “I’m good. Thanks for defending me the other night.”

  “Heather didn’t mean any harm.”

  “I know. I know she didn’t.”

  “You two didn’t get a chance to talk about it, but she’s a writer, too.”

  “Is she? What does she write?”

  “The only thing I know is that she wrote a non-fiction book on lesbian invisibility.”

  “What’s her last name?

  “McBride.”

  “Heather McBride. Sounds familiar. I may have read that.”

  “Why would you have read a book on lesbian invisibility?”

  “Why does anyone read anything? I like to learn.”

  He’s right. I shouldn’t be so quick to jump to conclusions. Lynne and Sarah c
ome through the door, and I walk over to greet them. Sarah shakes my hand and Lynne gives me a hug. I take a platter from Sarah and usher them into the house. They make a beeline toward Danny. I’m watching carefully, as I’m pretty sure they haven’t been in the same room since Lynne attacked Danny about being transsexual. They are all smiling and shaking hands, so I run back into the kitchen. Davey, Leah, and Renee have everything set up on the island separating the kitchen from the dining room. I throw several bags of ice in a cooler and set it to the side.

  Davey looks around. “Leah, where’s Dr. Ward?”

  “Sheila’s bringing a woman from our class, so I rode with Lynne and Sarah.”

  “Oh?” Davey’s ears perk up. “Another woman?”

  Leah scoffs. “Kids today. You have no concept of playing the field.”

  “Wait a minute,” I growl. “Don’t throw me into that category, Leah. I have no problem playing the field.”

  Sheila pops her head into the kitchen.

  “Dr. Ward,” I reach out to shake her hand.

  “Oh please, Andy. Call me Sheila.”

  She grabs me and pulls me into a hard hug. I’m a little afraid. After she releases me, she gives Leah a kiss and greets the rest of the ladies.

  “Where’s Katie?” Leah asks.

  “She’s in the living room with her husband, greeting the other guests.”

  Leah looks up sharply. “Husband?”

  Sheila shrugs. “I didn’t know, either. I showed up to pick her up and there he was. And he is a piece of work.”

  I’ve gotta see this. I grab a beer and troop out to the living room. Renee and Davey follow. Leah and Sheila don’t follow us. Perhaps they need some private time. Too bad. Bradley and his partner Greg have arrived, and I direct them into the kitchen with their contributions. Danny is sitting on the couch next to a thin, pale woman in a plain dress. She looks terrified. Danny is smiling gently and talking softly to her. That must be Katie. I glance around the room. Wow. And that must be her husband. He is about five six and maybe two-hundred-fifty pounds, with all of it in his belly. He’s wearing a tight, polyester button-front shirt that is unbuttoned partially to show gobs of chest hair. He has a big wad of frizzy, greasy gray hair and big, untidy sideburns. At first, I think it has to be a joke. Maybe he came with Bradley and Greg from another party—probably “come as your favorite seventies porn star.” But, no. He is striding toward me, hand out.