Scarred by Love

by C. A. Harms

  “RILEY!”

  But it was too late…I’d already hurt her and the damage was done.

  “Zander?”

  I whipped around and looked at Beth who watched me with confusion.

  I fisted my hands and leaned over yelling loudly. “FUCK!”

  I looked up into Beth’s eyes and caved.

  “I just fucked it up Beth…I broke up with her. I told her that we were done, that I didn’t want her.” I turned and looked over my shoulder watching Riley’s taillights in the distance. “I was pissed about Grant and her being together. Then with everything else that happened, I lashed out without thinking.”

  I gripped my sides, “Beth I lied…I do want her. I need her… because I love her.”

  She reached out and squeezed my hand, “I know you do Z.”

  I ran my hands through my hair and sat down on the curb next to my bike. Holding my face in my hands and let the last ten minutes play over and over in my head. I had taken my anger toward my father out on Riley. I let my emotions get the best of me and lashed out at the girl I had been falling in love with. I pushed up off the curb and walked toward my bike.

  “Come on Beth, I need to drop you off. I gotta go talk to her.”

  ***

  When I pulled into Riley’s parking lot I looked at the empty spot that her car usually sat in. I grabbed for my phone and tried calling her over and over with no answer. I sat there for over a half hour on the steps of her apartment, waiting. I felt like I had a burning hole in my chest. I texted her repeatedly and once again they went unanswered.

  It was beginning to get dark and I looked up to see a set of headlights turning in. It was Kate and right behind her Carson pulled in and parked. I watched as they approached laughing with one another and I felt guilty all over again for causing Riley hurt.

  “Hey man, you waiting on Riley?”

  I looked up to see both of them eyeing me suspiciously. “Yeah, have you heard from her?”

  Carson shook his head and Kate replied, “Not since this morning after you left. She couldn’t wipe the smile off of her face. Now I get this feeling that she’s no longer smiling.”

  Carson tensed up and I stood to face him, “Kate can I have a few minutes with Carson? Please.”

  Kate placed her hands on her hips and got a foot from my face. “Zander did you make her cry again? I told you last night that I wasn’t gonna stand for it.”

  I never looked her in the eyes; instead I looked over her shoulder at Carson. He still appeared tensed up maybe even a little pissed.

  “Go inside Kate.”

  She spun around quickly glaring at Carson before she stomped off toward their apartment. I instantly felt bad for causing tension between them.

  “So what did you do to my sister?”

  I sat back down on the step and looked at the ground in front of me.

  “I fucked up. I yelled at her for something that has nothing to do with her.” I took a deep breath, my chest still burning with emotion. “I broke up with her…and then when I said it I knew right away it wasn’t what I wanted.”

  I looked up into his eyes, “I love your sister, Carson. I mean I really love her and I broke her heart because I was angry with Grant and my dad. I lashed out man and um…I don’t know how to fix it.”

  He sat on the step next to me and groaned causing me to face me.

  “I can’t let Riley get hurt again Zander. I sat back last year and let her go through a horrible experience and did nothing. I can’t let her get hurt again. She deserves better.” Carson looked exhausted and confused with what he should do next.

  “What happened last year, Carson?”

  He looked up at me, “She didn’t tell you?” I just shook my head and waited. “It’s not really my story to tell Zander.”

  “Please…what happened?”

  “Well let’s just say that she dated a guy…Parker, for almost two years. After about eighteen months he got a little too physical.”

  “He hit her?” My heart raced and my throat burned. I thought of Riley and her tiny little frame being overpowered by some piece of shit.

  “Yeah…the first time he slapped her he was drunk so she forgave him. Another time Parker got too aggressive during um…well when they were intimate.” He took a deep breath and shivered. “She made it sound like it was just a little argument so I blew it off and went on with my own shit ya know.”

  I could tell Carson felt guilty.

  “Riley showed up at my house one night real late. I had a few people over. Tanner, our oldest brother was there too and he opened the door. Riley stumbled in and looked like she had been in an accident. Her eye was split open, a fat lip and a bloody nose.” He turned to look directly at me, “The fuckin’ asshole beat the shit out of her and she ran to me. I can’t let her get hurt again man…I can’t.”

  “Carson I would never lay a hand on Riley or any woman for that matter.”

  We sat there in silence as we took in what the other had said.

  “I tried calling her over and over. I even sent a bunch of text messages. I understand she doesn’t want to talk to me but can you see if she’s okay. I won’t say anything. I just need to know that she’s okay.”

  I watched as he pulled his phone from his pocket and dialed Riley’s number.

  My heart raced and for a moment I even felt a little sick to my stomach.

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  ~Riley~

  “Ry…your phones ringing honey.”

  Kelly hollered from the kitchen. I had to go somewhere to get away. I knew that the last place people would think to look was at Mason and Kelly’s.

  When I showed up with tear stained cheeks Kelly took me in her arms. Mason happened to be out of town for business so she was home alone with Mariah. It was perfect, I could use some girl time…with Kate and Carson together all the time I was missing the girl talk.

  “I got it thanks.” I grabbed my phone and was just about to send it to voicemail when I saw Carson’s name.

  “Hey,” I didn’t want to appear upset because I wasn’t in the mood to go through it again. I had finally stopped crying from telling everything to Kelly. I just needed some time to think of something else.

  “Hey Ry. Where are you?”

  “Um…I’m just visiting with Kelly. Mason’s out of town on business, so we’re having a girl’s night with Riah.” I tried to appear excited.

  “Talk to me Riley, are you okay?”

  I walked down the hall toward the spare bedroom and leaned against the wall. Carson knew something was up so that told me either he or Kate had already talked to Zander.

  “I’m fine Carson, I’ve screamed, I’ve cried and I’ve even thrown a few things.” I laughed lightly in attempt to calm my nerves. “Zander made his feelings pretty clear, in more ways than one Carson. He broke up with me and I’m pretty sure that he has Beth to keep him warm at night now. I just need a few days…please. I’m fine really.”

  “Are you sure you two don’t just need to talk? He looked pretty miserable Ry. Could it be just a misunderstanding maybe?”

  “I know what I saw Carson, just do me a favor okay? Let me handle my own shit…please.”

  I heard him sigh, “When you coming back home?”

  “I don’t know…I haven’t decided yet. Stop worrying so much about me and take care of Kate.”

  Carson cleared his throat, “So who’s gonna take care of you then?”

  I sat silently as I took a deep breath and let the burning in the back of my throat pass as I blink through the tears. “I am…just me and I’ll be fine. I gotta go Carson, Riah wants to play dolls.” I quickly hung up without waiting for him to respond. I feared at any time I may break down. I didn’t know if I would be okay. I was trying so hard to look at the bright side.

  Unfortunately right now nothing seemed so bright. I felt hollow and sad. I wanted Zander, I wanted him more than anything but he didn’t want me and I needed to face that. How do you let go of
someone you were falling in love with without thinking twice about it?

  ***

  I lay awake that night reading through the text messages from Zander. I deleted his voicemails because I couldn’t listen to his voice. When I heard the raspy tone it tore me apart.

  Just before midnight my phone vibrated next to my leg and I quickly wiped away the tears from my eyes.

  I’m sorry I hurt you sweet girl.

  I cried harder whispering, “I’m sorry you hurt me too.”

  I couldn’t stop the tears that once again took over. I dialed Kate’s number and she picked up in a panic after the second ring. “Riley?”

  “Can we take off this weekend? Just you and me…a little girl time, I could use it.”

  When Kate answered me she sounded choked up, “When do you wanna leave babe? Tomorrow?”

  I bit my lower lip to stop my whimper, “Yes…we’ll only miss one day of classes and then we can come back Sunday.”

  “That sounds great Ry. I can call my dad and see if we could use the cabin in Flagstaff. How does that sound?”

  “Perfect.”

  “I love you Riley, you know that right?”

  I whimpered and blew my nose, “Yeah…I love you too. See you tomorrow.”

  ***

  I couldn’t sleep so I got up and walked into the kitchen. I stared out the back doors in silence. When the sun began to rise I started a pot of coffee. I had finished it off before starting a second one. It was almost finished when I heard Mariah come running down the hall. The sound of her bare feet slapping the floor brought me out of my depression. Her sweet little smile could lighten up any dark place. “Aunt Rywee…you’re still here.” I giggled when I heard her say my name. It was the cutest thing to hear her announce my name in her sweet little voice.

  I picked her up and hugged her close, “Yep I’m still here squirt and you gotta get ready for day camp.”

  She wiggled out of my hold and jumped up and down in excitement.

  “Mm, Riley you started coffee…thank you.” Kelly walked in to the kitchen wearing her scrubs. She was a nurse at my mother’s Pediatric office.

  “I wish I could’ve just slept in, I have a killer headache. How did you sleep Riley?”

  I looked over my shoulder and smiled lightly, “I didn’t.” She started to say something but I stopped her. “Hey Kel, can you do me favor?”

  “Sure sweetie, what is it?”

  “Can you not tell mom I stayed here last night. I don’t want her to worry. I’m gonna call her later and talk to her anyway. Kate and I are gonna take a little trip for the weekend and stay in her parents’ cabin. I need to let her and dad know. If she knows I was upset it’ll just make things harder.”

  Kelly nodded her head, “Of course.”

  After she got Mariah and herself completely ready I followed her out the door. I needed to get to the apartment and pack for the weekend.

  When I reached the top of the stairs outside of my apartment I stopped abruptly. Just to the right side of our door sat a large vase of red roses. I knelt down and thumbed the card between my fingers, refusing to open it just yet. I opened the apartment door and carried the flowers inside setting them on the counter.

  “Wow…those are pretty.”

  I turned to find Kate walking down the hall from her bedroom. “Yeah.”

  She immediately took me in her arms and hugged me tightly. “So, my mom brought over the key to the cabin on her way to work. She told me we needed to grab some food but the bathroom and kitchen are stocked with everything else that we’ll need. Carson gave me a hundred dollars and told me to get you drunk, so the liquor is on him.” She winked over her shoulder before continuing. “I packed everything I need now you just need to grab your things and we can get on the road woman.”

  “I’ve missed you Kate…truly missed you.”

  The tears began all over again and I hated how emotional I had become. I barely had cried through the entire Parker fiasco and here I am a blubbering idiot over a guy I had been with a little over a month. It was just that within that month I fell so hard and I didn’t know how to pick myself back up.

  “Well I’m here now and this weekend is ours. It’s just you and me babe.”

  I nodded against her shoulder and wiped my eyes. “Okay enough crying…I need twenty minutes and I’ll be ready to go.”

  I rushed through my room grabbing the things I needed and stuffing them into my bag. When I made my way back to the living room Kate was just hanging up her phone. She looked irritated, so I asked, “What’s wrong?”

  “Nothing, are you ready to go?”

  I walked straight over to her and grabbed her shoulders, “Kate…What’s wrong?”

  She blew out a deep breath and stood tall. “If you don’t want to see Zander…then we need to leave, like now.”

  I raised my eyebrows and took a step back looking over toward the door.

  “He just called and said that he found out from Carson that we were going out of town. He insisted that he needs to talk to you first. He hung up on me before I could finish and I know he has to be on his way here.”

  “Let’s go then.”

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  ~Zander~

  I knew I was driving much faster than I should have been but I didn’t want to miss Riley. No one would tell me where she and Kate had planned on going. I knew I couldn’t let her leave until I got a chance to talk to her. She still wouldn’t answer my calls or respond to my messages. The only way I was going to get to explain everything to her was show up when she didn’t expect it.

  The moment I came around the corner and turned into her parking light I saw the reverse lights on her Camaro. I hit the throttle and skidded to a stop right behind her car causing her to slam on her brakes. I heard her put the car in park and her door flew open. I slowly opened my eyes. I hadn’t even realized they were so tightly closed.

  “What in the hell are you doing? I could’ve hit you.”

  I looked up at Riley with her hand clenched to her chest and her eyes wide.

  “I don’t care.”

  She dropped her hands to her sides and they made tiny fists, “Well I do…what the hell were you thinking?”

  I turned my bike off and put the stand down. After removing my helmet, I stood from my bike. I took a step toward her and she stepped backwards.

  “Riley please let me explain. Look at me, I didn’t mean it.” She looked up at me and I saw her unshed tears. “Baby, I’m sorry I said those things. It was all so far from the truth. I was an ass and you didn’t deserve any of it.” She wouldn’t look at me.

  “Riley I do want you, so badly. It’s killing me that I hurt you.” I watched as she stared at the ground and the tears ran down her cheeks. She wouldn’t say anything in return.

  Her lower lip shuddered and I just wanted to reach out and pull her close. I wanted to hold her and kiss away the hurt. I wanted to tell her that I loved her and that I couldn’t lose her, but I just watched her stand before me. I watched her eyes for any signs of forgiveness. I needed her to forgive me.

  “I’ve never regretted anything more than what I said to you yesterday. I hurt you Riley and I never wanted to hurt you.” I stepped closer and she never had the choice to move away. She was trapped with her back to her opened door. I reached out and tipped her chin up with my finger.

  When our eyes connected she closed hers and trembled. I swallowed the thickness in my throat and leaned closer. I whispered against her cheek, “I love you Riley, and I don’t wanna lose you.”

  I saw her shoulders sag and she turned her head to the side. Her eyes were already red and swollen and that made my chest ache. I caused all this and I had to fix it.

  “Can you move your bike?”

  I wasn’t sure I had heard her correctly, “What?”

  Riley’s voice was low and it shuddered, “Your bike, will you move it?”

  I shook my head lightly, “Riley, I just told you that I love you. The on
ly thing you can say is for me to move my bike?” I took a deep breath, “I. LOVE. YOU. I’ve fallen in love with you…do you hear me?”

  When she looked into my eyes my heart broke all over again. “I heard you, but I also heard you yesterday. I heard you when you said that you were done with me and that you didn’t want me.”

  Her lower lip trembled and I reached for her. She held up her hand to stop me, “You can’t just say something like that one day and the next day show up declaring your love. That’s not how it works Zander. When you say cruel things they don’t just go away, they stay right here.” She held her hand over her heart and I swallowed hard. My throat burned and my heart beat faster. I felt panicked with the thought of her and I really being over and I lost it.

  “Baby please…I’ll do whatever it takes to fix this. I don’t wanna lose you. I know I screwed up but I’ll fix it…let me fix it, Ry. Don’t walk away.”

  She turned toward her door and got into the car. I knelt next to her and reached for her hand. I could see Kate in the other seat and she was watching us.

  “Please tell her to stay so we can talk.” Kate looked at me with sad eyes. She appeared torn between what she felt was right and being a good friend.

  “I can’t do that Zander. I’m sorry, just let us go. She needs to get away for a couple days.”

  I hung my head and took a couple deep breaths.

  I looked back up into Riley’s eyes and she was staring forward. I leaned toward her and placed a kiss gently onto her cheek.

  “I love you. I’ll be waiting for you to get back so we can work this out. I’m not letting you go Riley. No matter what, I’m not letting you go.

  I stood up and walked to the back of her car. I heard her door shut but didn’t look back. I slipped on my helmet and when I started the bike I walked it forward. When I was out of the way Riley backed out never looking in my direction. My chest ached badly and I got the urge to chase after her as I saw her taillights disappear. Instead I parked the bike in her space and sat down on the curb next to it. I needed to relax before I did something stupid.