Scarred by Love

by C. A. Harms

  I had to get her back because I refused to let her go.

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  ~Riley~

  The ride to the cabin was really quiet. The radio was the only noise that filled the car. We made one stop to stock up on liquor and food before we reached the cabin. When we pulled into the driveway I was relieved to get out and stretch my legs. My phone continued to vibrate in my purse during the drive and I knew most of them were from Zander.

  I talked to my mom on the way and she was so glad that Kate and I had snuck away. Girl time is a necessity she said and I agreed. Kate and I had really not had much of that over the last month.

  “Home sweet home…I say we slip into our suits and hit the hot tub with a lot of alcohol.”

  I laughed at Kate as I pulled our bags out of the trunk, “Well, ya think maybe we can get our bags out first?”

  She slung hers over her shoulder laughing, “If we must.” She winked and went to unlock the cabin. I took the chance to glance at my phone. My heart ached at the messages Zander had sent.

  I’m a jerk. I knew I’d screw it up.

  I’ll never forgive myself for hurting you.

  I love you Riley and I miss you.

  I just wish I could go back to the morning when we made love…I would start over from there and make it right.

  “Are you coming in or what?”

  I looked up from my phone to see Kate standing in the doorway holding a bottle of beer. It was only noon and my best friend was already drinking. How pathetic were we? I shrugged off the thought and made my way inside to join her.

  It had four bedrooms, two on the main level and I made her take the one her parents usually slept in. She laughed, “Gee Thanks Ry.”

  “No problem doll, there is no way in hell I’m sleeping in the same bed that your parents have gotten freaky in.”

  I laughed and she wrinkled her nose up, “Ew…on second thought I think I’ll sleep on the couch.”

  I couldn’t resist it as I reached for a beer from the fridge. “Well if your mom is anything like you, she’s done your dad on the couch too.”

  The look on her face caused me to choke on the beer I had not yet swallowed.

  She shook her head and walked toward the back door, “So not funny Bitch…seriously, not funny.”

  Bullshit…it was definitely funny.

  By five that night we were both smashed. Everything was funny…and I do mean everything. We were in the hot tub and had been for hours. My ribs were aching from the laughter we had shared and it was a welcomed ache.

  “God Kate, I’ve missed this so much.”

  “Me too, babe.”

  She crawled out of the hot tub long enough to grab her phone when Carson called.

  Apparently he was going out with his friends and she was a little worried about it. I noticed a mood change once she hung up and I felt bad for her.

  “Don’t Riley…don’t feel sorry for me okay.”

  I slid closer and sat next to her, our shoulders touching beneath the water. “I just don’t like seeing you sad is all.”

  “Well, what about you Riley? I don’t like to see you hurting either. Do you think that maybe you might be able to work it out with Zander?”

  I thought about it for a minute and shrugged my shoulders. It had gotten really quiet for about ten minutes before Kate spoke again.

  “I told Carson I loved him.” I turned with a shocked expression on my face. “Yeah I know…don’t laugh.”

  I held my hands up in front of me in surrender.

  “We were snuggling on the couch and before you say anything, yes your brother snuggles. He may not admit it but he does. I curled into him and he kissed my forehead. It all seemed so perfect. He hadn’t acted like an ass or said anything arrogant all night. I don’t know what came over me but before I knew it, I just said it. It kinda fell out and I held my breath without looking at him. I was terrified of the look on his face.”

  She took a deep breath and finally lifted her head up. “Do you wanna know what Carson said back?”

  I nodded, “Yeah.”

  She looked down at her hands as she ran them through the water in front of us. “He said, ‘Wow…that was unexpected’.”

  I felt like crying for her but I knew she would get pissed if I felt sorry for her.

  “Nice huh? That was two weeks ago and we haven’t talked about it since. Things have been weird between us because of my stupid mouth.” She paused to take a drink of her beer before continuing. “Do you have any idea how dumb I feel around him now? He probably thinks I’m this dumb little girl that can’t help falling head over heels for the older guy.” She shrugged her shoulders and I couldn’t help it; I hugged her.

  “What is it with guys? They don’t seem to realize when they have something good? They just do whatever they can to screw it up instead.”

  “Yeah it would be so much easier if I was just into girls.”

  I released my hold on her and backed away slowly with my nose wrinkled up at her.

  She splashed me, “I said it would be easier smartass, I never said I was gonna bat for the other team…Geesh Ry.”

  I laughed and then she couldn’t stop herself from joining in.

  “Carson’s is the idiot Kate. He should feel lucky that a great girl like you actually wants to be with him. I just hope he wakes up and see’s that, before it’s too late.”

  She blinked back her unshed tears, “Me too.”

  We both had ended up passing out on the futon in the living room while watching “The Notebook”. When we woke the next morning, we both suffered from a nasty hangover. We attempted to liven up with a shower but when that didn’t work we each went back to bed in our separate rooms.

  I hope you and Kate arrived safely.

  This is torture baby. I just wanna work this out.

  I miss you so much it hurts.

  I was beginning to feel bad after another round of text messages came through while I was asleep. He told me he loved me. I just wish he had told me that under different circumstances. It was hard not to say it back. I loved Zander too but he hurt me and I still felt the sting. He talked to me that day like I meant nothing to him. He broke my heart and I needed to make sure I could recover from it.

  Chapter Twenty-Eight

  ~Zander~

  I had spent the last two days on my couch. I hadn’t eaten and I barely slept. Sunday was here and it meant two things, it was time to visit mom and Riley should be coming home.

  “Dude you need to get up and take a shower.” Beth shoved through the door followed by Mark and they both sat on the loveseat across from me. Beth grabbed the controller and started flipping the channels. I threw my arm over my eyes and turned toward the back of the couch, groaning at both of them. The room filled with a familiar song and voice. My stomach tightened and I rose up jerking the controller from Beth’s hand to flip the channel.

  “What the hell Zander, I was watching that.” She yelled back at me.

  “You were and now you’re not. I can’t watch that shit.”

  “You have something against singing now too?”

  I shot her a glare, “No, I just can’t watch that movie.”

  She continued to stare at me with a puzzled look on her face. Mark looked back and forth between the two of us in a confused state.

  “Fuck Beth, I can’t watch it because it’s Riley favorite movie. I watched it with her the first night I stayed at her apartment. It reminds me of her okay. Everything reminds me of her.” I walked off leaving them on the couch watching after me as I slammed the bathroom door. I braced myself on the vanity and hung my head.

  When I looked up from the ground I could see what they were referring to. I did look like shit. I had dark circles under my eyes and a five o’clock shadow along my jaw. I looked like a homeless guy. I needed to snap out of this because sitting around moping wasn’t gonna win Riley back.

  After I took a shower and shaved I quickly got dressed and found them
both still lounging on my couch. Beth quickly turned the television off and threw the controller onto the coffee table in front of her.

  “Don’t you two dumbasses have anything else to do beside hangout on my couch and annoy me?”

  Mark chuckled, “Nah, we like pissing you off way too much to leave you alone.”

  I flipped him off and grabbed my keys, “I’m gonna go visit my mom, lock up whenever you two decide to get a fuckin’ life.”

  ***

  I didn’t bring lunch this time. All I really needed was to imagine she was there, sitting at my side, listening.

  “So that girl I told you about, I kinda love her. But because I’m pigheaded, I acted like a jackass and pushed her away. Now I’m not sure how to get her back. It’s times like these I could really use your help mom. I know you would’ve had some sort of speech prepared for my girl troubles.”

  I mindlessly traced my finger across her tombstone, “I think this is the first time in a long time that I’ve wanted something this bad. I can’t think about anything else but her.”

  I lay back on the ground alongside my mother and looked up at the sky. I allowed my eyes to shut and thought about what my mom may have said in return.

  I slowly lifted my phone above my head and dialed Riley’s number. When I hit send, I closed my eyes once more and rested the phone against my ear. “Cross your fingers up there mom…I need a little help on this one.”

  I was prepared to leave yet another message but I most definitely wasn’t prepared to hear Riley’s voice. “Hi.”

  I shot straight up and switched the phone to my other ear. “Um hey…hi, uh.” I blew out a deep breath, “Sorry I wasn’t expecting you to answer so it threw me off a little.”

  “Sorry.”

  “I’m not…I’m glad you answered. Are you home yet?”

  “Yeah we um…got home about an hour ago.”

  Riley’s voice was so light and I could picture her biting her lip nervously.

  “Did you two have a good time?”

  “It was nice to get away. It gave us both some time to think. We haven’t spent much time together so we got caught up, which was needed.”

  “So did ya talk about how big of an asshole I am?”

  She sighed, “You’re not an asshole, for some reason you were that day though.”

  “I’m so sorry, Riley. I took things out on you that had nothing to do with us. You didn’t deserve to be treated like that.” I paused and waited for her to say something. The silence became too much. I couldn’t see her face to know how she felt or what she may be thinking. “Do you think that maybe we could go somewhere and talk?”

  “Sure,” She whispered and it was the single greatest moment of my day so far.

  “Are you hungry?”

  I could hear her shuffling around. “A little, maybe.”

  “How about some pizza?”

  “Okay, so you want me to pick you up?”

  I thought about it for a few seconds. “No…I’m gonna pick you up.”

  For some reason I had yet to put Riley on the back of my bike. The thought had just occurred to me that Beth has been riding with me so many times I had lost count. I had no idea why I had never taken Riley for a ride.

  “On your bike?” She sounded surprised.

  “Yep…on my bike.”

  She agreed and I told her I would be there in twenty minutes.

  I hung up the phone and stood looking up at the sky. “Thanks mom.”

  Chapter Twenty-Nine

  ~Riley~

  I sat on the steps outside waiting for Zander. When I heard his bike coming up the hill my stomach tightened with anxiety. I felt nervous and maybe a little excited to see him. He pulled in next to my car and I stood, walking toward him. He handed me his helmet and I slipped it on, “What about you?”

  “Don’t worry about me. I’m gonna have to buy you your own, but for now wear mine.” He reached up and flipped down the face shield. His smile pulled at something deep within my chest. I had the urge to kiss him but I pushed it aside. We had a lot to talk about first.

  “So just lift your leg over and slip your hands around my waist.”

  I stood frozen staring at him as my mind ran over his words.

  “You really do think I’m some girly girl that can’t handle things, don’t you?” He looked confused. “Beth isn’t the only girl that knows how to climb onto the back of your bike and hold on. For your information, I could drive this thing without you.”

  I climbed on in complete aggravation. What the hell did I have to do for him to stop thinking all I knew how to do was paint my nails and do my hair?

  “Riley, I didn’t mean anything by that.”

  I gripped his waist and scooted forward. “It’s fine. Let’s just go.”

  He didn’t say anything else before starting the bike, backing up and driving toward Marco’s.

  I crawled off once the bike stopped and pulled the helmet from my head. I shoved it toward him and walked to the restaurant.

  I felt his hands grip my hips and stop me just before I reached the doors. He buried his face in my hair and whispered, “I keep screwing up. I’m so scared to say anything because you’re mad at me and everything is coming across the wrong way. You think I’m putting you down when in reality I’m just trying to make sure you’re safe. You think I’m saying you can’t do something but I’ve seen what you can do Riley. I know you’re not a prissy girl that can’t handle herself. I feel like no matter which way I go, it’s gonna be wrong.”

  I turned and faced him, “I’ve felt out of place every time I’m around Beth. I feel like I’m always trying to prove myself to her. I know she has been there for you long before you ever knew I existed…I get that. I shouldn’t have to compete for your attention.” I looked up into his eyes, “I need to know that there is nothing going on between you two. I need the truth Zander. I deserve the truth.”

  I wanted to cry but I held it together looking at him without shying away. This would be the talk that makes us or breaks us. I wanted to be open and honest about my feelings and if in the end it pissed him off, then we weren’t meant to be together.

  He wrapped his arms around my waist and his eyes never left mine as he responded. “Riley, there is nothing but friendship between Beth and me. There will never be anything more than that. I know that sometimes we’re a little too comfortable with one another but it’s because we’ve grown together. I have been best friends with her since we were four years old. I’m sorry if it’s ever appeared as more than friendship.”

  He rested his forehead against mine, “I love you Riley…and I don’t wanna hurt you. I will always be friends with Beth but I’ll also make sure that we stop with the touchy feely shit. I promise.”

  Zander leaned forward and began to close his eyes I knew he was going to kiss me, so I pulled back. “Let’s go inside.”

  His face fell and I turned toward the door. We weren’t done talking. I couldn’t cave that easily. Parker tricked me into thinking that the first time he hit me it would never happen again. I couldn’t let Zander think I would take him verbally attacking me when things got rough for him. I needed to be strong for me.

  When we made it to the booth I almost caved. He looked lost and heartbroken sitting across from me. I reached out and took his hand in mine. “What happen that day to make you so angry?”

  He swallowed and I saw his jaw tense. “My dad got me going, if that’s really what you wanna call him, and his bitch of a wife. I had to go there to sign papers for the lawyer’s that handled my mom’s will. First she started on me because she thinks I’ll never amount to anything. He defended her then tried to give me a father-son speech. I was already pissed and when Grant started spouting off about you and him having coffee together. I don’t want you around him, Ry. His intentions aren’t good. I can guarantee that. He’s just trying to get to me.” He shifted in his seat, “I know I handled all of it wrong Riley. I can’t take it back but I can guarantee y
ou it will never happen again. I hurt you when I had no right to. This last few days have sucked ass…I’m sorry.”

  The waitress stopped at our table taking our order and stepping away to get our drinks.

  “Why didn’t you talk to me about the entire Beth situation? It was innocent. Grant just walked in at the wrong time. Mark was there with us he just went to the restroom. Beth is used to us spending more time together and I guess she was just feeling left out.”

  “I did try to call you Zander remember? You let me go because you had things to do. The next thing I knew you were driving by with Beth wrapped securely around you.”

  He looked at me with worried eyes. “I probably shouldn’t have gone for coffee with Grant but I guess I was hoping that things could be smoothed over between everyone and it wouldn’t be so uncomfortable. I can see now that it was wrong. But you don’t tell me anything about what is going on in your life so how do I figure out what’s wrong and what’s not?”

  “I’m sorry Ry…I know that I haven’t let you in like I should. That’s my fault because I know you’re there if I need you. I’ve just tried to keep that part of my life away from you. I become someone else when I deal with them. I turn into this big asshole, as you saw that day. It isn’t fair to drag you through that mess with me.”

  “What if I want you to? I wanna be there for you but you gotta stop pushing me away.”

  The tension between us seemed to slowly thin out and the comfortable banter that we once shared began to return. Zander kept trying to play footsies with me under the table until I tucked my feet under me in the booth. He chose at that time to move on to something new. After shredding an entire napkin he made them into little paper balls to throw at me. We finally paid the bill and got up to leave.