The Lust Lizard of Melancholy Cove pc-2

by Christopher Moore

  The daytime regulars at the end of the bar had snapped out of their malaise to have a laugh at Catfish. There’s nothing quite so satisfying to the desperate as having someone to look down on.

  Theo

  The gun barrel was pushed so hard into the spot behind Theo’s ear that he thought he could hear bone cracking. Burton reached around and took the .357 and tossed it aside, then he took the automatic from Theo’s waistband and did the same.

  “On the ground, facedown.” Burton kicked Theo’s feet out from under him, then put his knee in the constable’s back and handcuffed him. Theo could taste blood where his lip had split hitting the rock. He turned his head to the side, raking his cheek on some lichen. He was terrified. Every muscle in his body ached with the need to run.

  Burton smacked him across the back of the head with his pistol, not hard enough to knock him out, but when the white-hot light of the blow faded, Theo could feel blood oozing into his right ear.

  “You fucking stoner. How dare you fuck with my business?”

  “What business?” Theo said, hoping ignorance might buy his life.

  “I saw your car at the lab, Crowe. The last time I talked to Leander he was on his way to see you. Now where is he?”

  “I don’t know.”

  The pistol smacked Theo on the other side of the head.

  “I don’t fucking know!” Theo shrieked. “He was at the lab, then he was gone. I didn’t see him leave.”

  “I don’t care if he’s alive or dead, Crowe. And it doesn’t make any difference to you either. But I need to know. Did you kill him? Did he run? What?”

  “I think he’s dead.”

  “You think?”

  Theo could feel Burton rearing back to hit him again.

  “No! He’s dead. He’s dead. I know it.”

  “What happened?”

  Theo tried to think of a plausible explanation, something that would buy him a minute, a few more seconds even, but he couldn’t clear his head. “I’m not sure,” he said. “I–I heard gunfire. I was in the shed. When I came out, he was gone.”

  “Then how do you know he’s dead?”

  Theo couldn’t see any advantage to telling Burton that Molly had told him. Burton would track her down and put her in the same shallow grave that he was going to end up in.

  “Fuck you,” Theo said. “Figure it out.”

  The pistol whipped across the back of Theo’s head and he nearly passed out this time. He heard a ringing in his ears, but a second later he realized that it wasn’t in his ears at all. His cell phone was ringing in his shirt pocket. Burton rolled him over and put the barrel of the gun on Theo’s right eyelid.

  “We’re going to answer this, Crowe. And if you fuck up, the calling party is going to hear a very loud disconnect.” The sheriff bent down until his face was almost touching Theo’s and reached for the phone.

  Suddenly a series of deafening explosions went off a few feet away and bullets whined off the rocks like angry wasps. Burton rolled off Theo and into a shallow crevice just below them. Theo felt someone grab his collar and pull him to his feet. Before he could see who it was, a dozen hands closed on him and dragged him out of the sun. He fell hard on his back and the gunfire stopped. His phone was still ringing. A cloud of bats was swirling above him.

  He looked up to see Molly Michon standing over him with a smoking assault rifle, and in that second, she looked like what he had always imagined an avenging angel might look like, except for the six naked white guys standing behind her.

  “Hi, Theo,” she said.

  “Hi, Molly.”

  Molly pointed to the phone in his shirt pocket with the barrel of her rifle. “You want me to get that?”

  “Yeah, it might be important,” Theo said.

  There was a gunshot and a bullet whined off the edge of the cave entrance and ricocheted into the darkness. Theo could feel the roar that rose up out of the back of the cave vibrating in his ribs.

  The Sheriff

  Burton reached over the edge of the crevice and fired a shot in the general direction of the cave, then braced himself for return fire from the AK-47, but instead he heard a roaring that sounded like someone had dropped the entire cast of The Lion King in a deep fryer. Burton was not a coward, not by any means, but a man would have to be insane not to be frightened by that noise. Too much weirdness, too fast. A woman in a leather bikini and thigh-high boots firing an AK-47 while six naked guys dragged Crowe into a cave. He needed time to regroup, call in backup, drink a fifth of Glenlivet.

  It seemed safe here for the time being. As long as he didn’t move, no one could get a firing angle on him without making a target of himself. He pulled his cell phone from his jacket pocket, then paused, trying to figure out who to call. A general officer-in-trouble call could bring anyone, and the last thing he needed was television helicopters hovering around. Besides, his goal wasn’t to arrest the suspects, he needed them silenced for good. He could call in the guys from the crank lab, if he could get hold of them, but the vision of a bunch of untrained illegal immigrants running around on this hill with automatic weapons didn’t seem like the best strategy either. He had to call SWAT, but only his guys. Eight of the twenty men on the SWAT team were in his pocket. Again, he couldn’t go through dispatch. They’d have to be called in on private lines. He dialed the number that rang into the information center deep in the basement of the county justice building. The Spider picked up on the first ring.

  “Nailsworth.”

  “It’s Burton. Listen, don’t talk. Call Lopez, Sheridan, Miller, Morales, O’Hara, Crumb, Connelly, and LeMay. Tell them to come in full SWAT to the Beer Bar Ranch north of Pine Cove, the northern access road. There’s a cave here. Pull up whatever maps you need and give them directions. Do not use open channels. They are not to log in or report to anyone where they are going. There are at least two suspects in the cave with automatic weapons. I’m pinned down about ten yards from the west-facing entrance. Have them meet south of the rocks, they’ll see them, then have Sheridan call me. No aircraft. Find out if there’s another entrance to this cave. I need everyone in place ASAP. Can you do it?”

  “Of course,” the Spider said. “It’s going to take them a minimum of forty minutes, maybe more if I can’t find them all.”

  Burton could hear the Spider’s fat fingers blazing on his keyboard already. “Send whoever you can find. Tell them to come in separate cars. Tell them to avoid sirens if possible on the way up, definitely once they hit the ranch.”

  “Do you have descriptions of the suspects?”

  “It’s Theophilus Crowe and a woman, five-eight, one twenty, twenty-five to forty years old, gray hair, wearing a leather bikini.”

  “Twenty-five to forty? Pretty specific,” the Spider said sarcastically.

  “Fuck you, Nailsworth. How many women do you think are running around these hills wearing a leather bikini and shooting an AK? Call me when they are on the way.” Burton disconnected and checked the battery on the phone. It would last.

  Since the roaring sound had come from the cave, it had been quiet, but he didn’t dare peek over the edge of the crevice. “Crowe!” he shouted. “It’s not too late to work this out!”

  Theo

  The naked guys were standing over Theo, wearing dazed smiles, as if they’d all just shared a big pipe of opium. “Jesus, was that it?” Theo asked, Steve’s roar still ringing in his ears.

  “Him,” Molly corrected, holding up a finger to shush Theo as she pressed the answer button on his phone. “Hello,” she said into the phone. “None of your business. Who is this?” She covered the mouthpiece and said, “It’s Gabe.”

  “Tell him I’m okay. Ask him where he is.”

  “Theo says he’s okay. Where are you?” She listened for a second, then covered the mouthpiece again. “He’s at the Slug.”

  “Tell him I’ll call him right back.”

  “He’ll call you back.” She disconnected and tossed the phone in the pile of cloth
ing by the door.

  Theo looked up at the naked guys. He thought he recognized a couple of them, but didn’t want to acknowledge that he did. “Would you guys back off a little?” Theo said. They didn’t move. Theo looked at Molly. “Can you tell them to go somewhere? They’re making me nervous.”

  “Why?”

  “Molly, I don’t know if you’ve notice, but all these guys are in a—a state of arousal.”

  “Maybe they’re just glad to see you.”

  “Would you tell them to back off, please?”

  Molly motioned for the naked guys to move away. “Go. Go. Back to the back of the cave, guys. Go. Go. Go.” She poked at a couple of them with the assault rifle. Slowly they turned and ambled farther back into the cave.

  “What in the hell is wrong with them?”

  “What do you mean, wrong? They’re acting like all guys do, they’re just being more honest about it.”

  “Molly, seriously, what did you do to them?”

  “I didn’t do anything. That’s how they’ve been acting since they saw Steve back there.”

  Theo looked to the back of the cave, but could only see the partially lit backs of a group of people sitting on the cave floor. “It’s like they’re in a trance or something.”

  “Yeah, isn’t it cool? They came to help me get you when I asked, though. So they’re not total zombies. I’m, like, in charge.”

  Blood was dripping out of Theo’s scalp, matting his hair and leaving spots on his shirt. “That’s great, Molly. Could you get these handcuffs off me?”

  “I was going to ask you about those. Every time I see you, you’re in handcuffs. Do you have a fetish or something?”

  “Please, Molly, there’s a key in my front pocket.”

  “He gave you the key?”

  “It’s my key.”

  “I see,” Molly said with a knowing smile.

  “Handcuffs all use the same key, Molly. Please help me get out of these.”

  She knelt and reached into his pocket, keeping her eyes locked on his through the process. His head throbbed when he rolled over so she could get to the cuffs.

  As she pulled them off, they heard Burton call from outside. “Crowe! It’s not too late to work this out!”

  Once his hands were free, Theo threw his arms around Molly and pulled her close. She dropped her rifle and returned his embrace. Another roar emanated from the back of the cave. A couple of the pilgrims shrieked and Molly let go of Theo and stood up, gazing back into the darkness.

  “It’s okay, Steve,” she said.

  “What in the hell was that?” Burton shouted from outside.

  “That was Steve,” Molly shouted back. “You were asking what happened to Joseph Leander. Well, that was it. Steve ate him.”

  “How many of you are in there?” Burton asked.

  Molly looked around. “A bunch.”

  “Who in the hell are you?”

  “I am Kendra, Warrior Babe of the Outland.” She shot a silly grin at Theo, who was trying to follow what was going on up here, while listening to some disturbing stirring noises going on in the back of the cave.

  “What do you want?” Burton asked.

  Without a beat, Molly said, “Ten percent of the gross on all my films, retroactive fifteen years, an industrial-strength weed-whacker with gas, and world peace.”

  “Seriously. We can work this out.”

  “Okay. I want sixty peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, a couple of gallons of Diet Coke, and…” She turned to Theo, “You want anything?”

  Theo shrugged. Hell, as long as they were stalling. “A new Volvo station wagon.”

  “And a new Volvo station wagon,” Molly shouted. “And we want it with two cup holders, you bastard, or the deal’s off.” She turned and beamed at Theo.

  “Nice touch.”

  “You deserve it,” Molly said. Suddenly her eyes went wide as she looked past Theo. “No, Steve!” she screamed.

  Theo rolled over to see a huge pair of jaws descending over him.

  Twenty-eight

  The Sheriff

  To Burton, it sounded like there could be thirty or forty people wailing in the cave, let alone whatever was making the roaring noise. It might not be as easy to get rid of witnesses as he’d thought. If all the people he’d passed on the road earlier were in the cave, the SWAT snipers were going to have their work cut out for them. One thing was for sure, he couldn’t let Crowe and this woman, whoever she was, leave the ranch alive.

  His cell phone rang and he pushed the answer button. “What?” He set his gun down and covered his ear to shut out the noise from the cave.

  “Nailsworth here,” the Spider said. “They’re on the way. Give it forty minutes. And there’s no other entrance to that cave.”

  Burton was not happy, having to lie in this crevice for another forty minutes, but once the SWAT team arrived, it would be over. “Nailsworth, shot in the dark here, but have you ever heard of someone calling themselves Kendra, Warrior Babe of the Wasteland?”

  “The Outland,” the Spider corrected. “Warrior Babe of the Outland. Of course, only the finest series of nuked-out future movies ever made. Kendra’s a huge star. Was a huge star. Molly Michon was the actress’s name. Why?”

  “Never mind. One of the suspects thinks she’s a comedian.”

  “If you want some of the cassettes, I can let you have some copies for twenty bucks apiece. I’ve got almost the whole collection.”

  “Nailsworth, you’re a pathetic piece of shit.” Burton disconnected. The wailing was still coming from the cave and the woman was screaming something he couldn’t make out.

  Molly

  Theo’s sneakers were still showing, sticking out between Steve’s teeth. Molly grabbed her broadsword, ran up the Sea Beast’s foreleg, and leapt onto his broad neck. She brought the broadsword down hard between his eyes and the impact made her hands go numb. “Spit him out! Spit him out!”

  Steve tossed his head, trying to throw her off, but she gripped him with her thighs and hacked away at his head. Chunks of his scales flew off and the blade sparked. “Spit him out! Spit him out!” Molly screamed, punctuating the panicked chant with blows from the sword. She’d seen this before. She knew that if she heard a crunch, Theo was finished.

  The Sea Beast opened his jaws to deliver the coup de grace and Molly could hear a gurgling scream come from Theo. She leapt to her feet on Steve’s forehead, put the tip of the broadsword in the corner of his eye, and prepared to leap on the hilt to drive it into his eye socket. “Spit him out! Now!”

  Steve went cross-eyed trying to see his attacker, then made a grunting noise and hacked the constable out on the cave floor. He whipped his head and Molly went flying, hitting her back hard on the cave wall ten feet away and sliding down.

  The pilgrims’ wails turned to sobs as Steve slunk to the back of the cave.

  Theo, mired in a puddle of blood, bat guano, and dragon spit, pushed himself up on his hands and knees and looked to Molly. “You okay?” he gasped.

  She nodded. “I think so. You?”

  Theo nodded and looked down to make sure his legs were still there. “Yeah.” He crawled over to her and sat back against the cave wall beside her, still heaving to get his breath back. “Nice friends you have. Why’d he stop?”

  “I think his feelings are hurt.”

  “Sorry.”

  “He’ll get over it. He’s a big boy.”

  Despite himself, Theo started laughing, and before long he and Molly were leaning against each other, giggling uncontrollably.

  “Steve, huh?” Theo said.

  “He looks like a Steve, don’t you think?” Molly said.

  Theo wiped the dragon spit from his mouth and leaned over to kiss her. She caught his chin in her hand and pushed him away. “Bad idea.”

  Another roar rose from the back of the cave, this one less angry and more sad than the last.

  “I guess so,” Theo said.

  “What in the hell is goin
g on in there, Crowe?” Burton called from outside. “You don’t have a lot of time to dick around here. There’s a SWAT team on the way. What do you want?”

  “I don’t even know what the hell you’re talking about,” Theo shouted.

  “What do you want to walk away from this? Leave the state. Forget everything. How much? Give me a figure.”

  Theo looked at Molly as if she might have the answer. She said, “I thought we made our demands pretty clear.”

  “He’s not going to let me go, Molly. And now he’s not going to let you go either. If there’s a SWAT team on the way, we’re in big trouble.”

  “I need to go talk to Steve.” Molly stood and walked between the sobbing pilgrims to the back of the cave. Theo watched her fade into the dark where the Sea Beast was pulsing with dim spots of green and blue. Theo rubbed his eyes to try to clear his vision.

  “Well, Crowe? What’ll it be?”

  “Make me an offer,” Theo said, trying to figure out some kind of insurance. Something that would keep him alive more than two seconds after he stepped out of the cave.

  “I’ll give you a hundred thousand. It’s a fair offer, Crowe. You can’t prove anything anyway, not if Leander is dead. Take the money and walk away.”

  “I’m dead,” Theo said to himself. The size of the bluff offer itself betrayed Burton’s seriousness. There was no way he was letting Theo get away alive. “We’ll talk it over!” Theo shouted. His head was throbbing from the pistol whipping he’d taken and the vision in his left eye was blurry. His cell phone chirped from within the pile of pilgrims’ clothing and he scrambled through the clothes and pill bottles to find it. His vision went black with the movement and he had to steady himself until it cleared. He found the phone nestled in a pair of panty hose and hit the answer button.

  Steve

  He knew an enemy when he saw one. He could sense waves of aggression and fear coming from them, and he had felt those things coming from his warmblood lover. He could feel the fear even now as she approached him through the feeder people. Why, if she was going to find another mate, did she go to the trouble of unwrapping the feeder people for him?