The Lust Lizard of Melancholy Cove pc-2

by Christopher Moore

  He didn’t mind being hit with the sharp thing, that felt good, he thought she wanted to mate again, but when she put it in his eye, he knew she would have killed him. He felt it. She had turned her loyalties to another. He considered biting off her head to show her how badly he felt.

  He tucked his head under his foreleg as she approached. She rubbed his gill tree and he sent a bolt of scarlet over his back to tell her to stop.

  “I’m sorry, Steve. I don’t have many friends. I couldn’t let you eat Theo.”

  He could sense benevolence in her tone, but he didn’t trust her now. Maybe he would just bite off an arm as a test. His back pulsed magenta and blue.

  “You have to go, Steve. There’s a SWAT team coming. You can get past that guy outside without a problem. In fact, you can eat that guy outside if you want. In fact, I’d really appreciate it if you’d eat that guy outside.”

  She stepped back from him. “Steve, you have to get out of here or they’re going to kill you.”

  He pulsed a dull olive drab to her and tucked his head farther under his foreleg. She wanted him to go away, he could feel it. And he wanted to go away, but he didn’t want her to want him to go away. He knew she could never be what he wanted, and he understood never now, but he didn’t want the warmblood to have her either. Colors ran like sorrow over his scales.

  “I’m not rejecting you,” Molly said. “I’m trying to save your life.”

  She pushed through the pilgrims, who were all on their knees sobbing, and one woman, a thirtyish redhead with gravity-defying fake breasts, grabbed her arm. “I can sacrifice,” the woman said. “I can.”

  Molly pulled her arm away from the woman. “Fuck off, lady,” Molly said, “Martyrdom’s easy, it comes with the plumbing.”

  Theo

  It was only when he answered the cell phone that Theo realized one of Burton’s blows had caught him on the ear. “Ouch! Goddamn it. Ouch!” Theo limped around in a circle, despite the fact that his limbs weren’t injured at all.

  “Theo?” Gabe said, his voice tinny in the receiver.

  “Yeah, it’s me.” Theo changed the phone to his other ear, but still held it a few inches away, now that it had bitten him once.

  “Where are you? Who answered your phone?”

  “That was Molly Michon. We’re in that cave up on the ranch where the mushroom farm used to be. Burton has us pinned in here and he’s called in a SWAT team.”

  “Have you seen it?”

  “Yeah, I’ve seen it, Gabe. I think you were right about the brain chemistry thing. There’s a bunch of people here all tranced out, saying they were called to give sacrifice. They all have prescriptions written by Val.”

  “Wow,” Gabe said. “Wow. What’s it look like?”

  “It’s large, Gabe.”

  “Could you be more specific?”

  “Look, Gabe, we need some help. Burton is going to kill us. I need witnesses up here so he can’t claim that we fired on his men. Call the TV station and the paper. Get a news helicopter up here.”

  Theo felt Molly grab his shoulder. He turned to see her shaking her head. “Just a second, Gabe.” He covered the mouthpiece with his hand.

  “No reporters, Theo.”

  “Why not?”

  “Because if they find out about Steve, they’ll put him in a cage or kill him. No reporters. No cameras.” She gripped his shoulder until it hurt and tears welled up in her eyes. “Please.”

  Theo nodded. “Gabe,” he said into the phone, “Forget the reporters. No news people. No cameras. You guys come, though. I need witnesses here that don’t work for Burton.”

  “You said there were a bunch of people there?”

  “They’re all out of it, I don’t think they’re worth a damn. Besides, they’re naked.”

  There was a pause. Gabe said, “Why are they naked?”

  Theo looked to Molly, “Why are they naked?”

  “To deter them from coming into the cave.”

  “To deter them from coming into the cave,” Theo said into the phone.

  “Well, that didn’t work very well, did it?” Gabe said. “Why didn’t she scare them off with the creature?”

  “That’s what I’ve been telling you, Gabe. They’re here to be with the creature.”

  “Fascinating. And Molly has control over him?”

  Theo looked at the dragon spit running down his jeans. “Not exactly. Gabe, please, bring Val and get your ass up here. You can claim to be here for scientific reasons or something. Val can say she’s a trained hostage negotiator. These people are her patients; that should help her credibility. Bring as many people as you can.”

  Molly grabbed Theo’s arm again and shook her head. “Just the people who already know.”

  Theo cursed under his breath. “Scratch that, Gabe. Just you and Val. Don’t tell anyone else.”

  “Mavis and Howard and Catfish know already.”

  “Just them. Please, Gabe, borrow Mavis’s car and get up here.”

  “Theo, this isn’t going to help you much. We might keep you from getting killed, but Burton is still going to arrest you guys. You know it. And once he gets you in his jail, well, you know.”

  “One thing at a time.”

  “Theo, we’ve got to preserve that creature. This is the greatest…”

  “Gabe,” Theo interrupted. “I’m trying to preserve my ass. Get going, please.”

  “You’ve got to get that creature out of there, Theo. They might not shoot you if there are witnesses, but they won’t let the creature go.”

  “He won’t move. He’s in the back of the cave, sulking.”

  “Sulking?”

  “I don’t know, Gabe. Just come, okay.” Theo disconnected and sat down. To Molly he said, “Gabe’s right. We may just be delaying the inevitable by bringing in witnesses. Maybe we should rush Burton before SWAT gets here.”

  Molly picked up the AK-47 from the floor, released the clip and tilted it so Theo could see it was empty. “Bad idea.”

  The Head of the Slug

  “Hostage negotiator?” Val Riordan said. “I did my residency in eating disorders. The closest I’ve ever come to a hostage negotiation is talking a sugar-jagged actress out of purging fourteen quarts of Ben & Jerry’s Monkey Chunks after she lost her part on ‘Baywatch.’”

  “That counts,” said Gabe. He’d related everything that Theo had told him and was ready to run to the rescue, but Val was reluctant.

  “I believe the flavor is Chunky Monkey,” H.P. said.

  “Whatever,” said Val. “I don’t see why Theo needs us if he’s got a whole cave full of my patients.”

  Gabe was trying to be patient, but he could feel a clock ticking in the back of his brain, each tick taking away his chance to save his friend and lay eyes on a living specimen from the Cretaceous period. “I told you, Theo says they’re out of it.”

  “Perfectly logical,” said H.P.

  “How so?” asked Val, obviously irritated at the stuffy restaurateur’s tone.

  “The tradition of making sacrifice is as old as man. It may be more than just a tradition. The Babylonians sacrificed to the serpent, Tiamet, the Aztecs and Mayans sacrificed to serpent gods. Perhaps this creature was the serpent to which they sacrificed.”

  “That’s ridiculous,” Val said. “This thing eats people.”

  H.P. chuckled, “People have been loving vengeful gods for thousands of years. Who’s to say it isn’t the vengeance that inspires that love? Perhaps, as Dr. Fenton has pointed out, there is some symbiotic relationship between the hunting habits of this creature and the brain chemistry of its prey. Perhaps it inspires love as well as sexual stimulation. That feeling needn’t be reciprocal, you know. He could be as oblivious to his worshippers as any other god. He takes the sacrifices as his due, with no responsibility on his part.”

  “That’s a steamin bag of dog snot if I ever heard it,” Catfish spouted. “I been near this thing and it ain’t never done nothin but scare the daylights
out of me.”

  “Is that right, Mr. Fish?” H.P. said. “Isn’t it true that your fear of this creature has inspired a lifelong career in music? Perhaps you owe thanks to this beast.”

  “I owe ya’ll a ride to the booby hatch, thass what I owe.”

  “Enough!” Gabe shouted. “I’m going. You can come or you can stay, but I’m going to help Theo and see if I can keep that creature alive. Mavis, can I borrow your car?”

  Mavis threw her keys on the bar. “Wish I was going with you, kid.”

  “May I join you?” H.P. asked.

  Gabe nodded and looked at Val. “They are your patients.”

  She pressed her back against the bar. “This is all going to blow up, and when it all comes out, I’m going to go to jail. I should help with that?“

  “Yes,” said Gabe. “Why?”

  “Because it’s the right thing to do, and because it’s important to me and you love me.” Val stared at him, then dragged her purse off the bar. “I’ll go, but you will all be getting hate mail from me when I’m in jail.” Mavis looked at Catfish. “Well?”

  “Ya’ll go on. I got the Blues on me.” They started out the door. “Don’t you worry, honey,” Mavis called after them. “You’re not going to jail. Mavis will see to it.”

  Twenty-nine

  Gabe

  Up until the time that Steve had come to town, the most fearsome prehistoric beast on the Central Coast was Mavis Sand’s 1956 Cadillac convertible. It was lemon-pie yellow with a great chrome grill that seemed to slurp at the road as it passed and gold-plated curb feelers that vibrated in the wind like spring-loaded whiskers. The daytime regulars called it the “Banana” and in a fit of ambition had once even fashioned a giant blue Chiquita emblem, which they stuck on the trunk lid while Mavis was working. “Well,” Mavis said, more than somewhat surprised by their efforts, “it ain’t the first banana I’ve rode, but it takes the size record by at least a foot.”

  Even in his youth, Gabe had never driven anything like the Banana before. It steered like a barge and it rocked and lurched over dips and potholes like a foundering scow. Gabe had activated the electric top when they’d first climbed in and hadn’t figured out how to put it back up.

  Gabe spotted Val’s Mercedes parked on the side of a hill off the main ranch road. There were six other vehicles parked next to it, all four-wheel-drive sport utility vehicles: two Blazers and two larger Suburbans. A group of men in black jumpsuits were standing by the vehicles, the tallest watching them through binoculars and talking on a radio or cell phone.

  “Maybe we should have taken a more inconspicuous vehicle,” Gabe said.

  “Why didn’t we take your car, Howard?” Val asked. She was slouched in the passenger seat.

  Howard sat in the back, as stiff as a mannequin, squinting as if this was his first exposure ever to sunlight. “I own a Jaguar. Superior coach works, none like them in the world outside of Bentley and Rolls. Walnut burl on all the interior surfaces.”

  “Doesn’t run, huh?”

  “Sorry,” said Howard.

  Gabe stopped the Banana at the cattle gate. “What should I do? They’re watching us.”

  “Go on up there,” Val said. “That’s why we’re here.” She had gotten brave all of a sudden.

  Gabe wasn’t quite so self-assured. “Someone tell me again why the sheriff won’t just shoot us along with Theo and Molly?”

  Val was getting into the spirit of the thing, realizing that this might be the only way to atone for what she’d done to her patients. “I’m a psychiatrist, Gabe, and you have a Ph.D. The police don’t shoot people like us.”

  “You’re kidding, right?”

  Howard said, “Does one require an advanced degree to be immune to gunfire, or does a life of scholarship count as well?”

  “Go, Gabe,” Val said. “We’ll be fine.”

  Gabe looked over at her and she smiled at him. He smiled back, sort of, and pulled the Banana into the pasture toward five heavily armed men who did not look happy to see them.

  Theo

  Theo had searched the rest of the cave, using the disposable lighter he’d forgotten to abandon with the rest of his pot habit. The cathedral chamber was closed, except for the entrance where Burton waited. Theo gave the Sea Beast a wide clearance on his way back to Molly, who stood just inside the cave mouth.

  Burton shouted from outside, “Crowe, we’ve got your friends locked up! This is your last chance to make a deal! I’ll give you five minutes, then we’re using gas!”

  Theo turned to Molly in a panic. “We’ve got to get these people out of here, Molly. As soon as the first gas grenade comes in, it’s all over.”

  “Don’t we need hostages?”

  “For what? He’s not going to negotiate. The only thing he wants is me—and probably you—dead.”

  “Why don’t you call someone and tell them what you know? Then Burton won’t have a reason to kill us.”

  “All I know is what I’ve seen. With Leander dead, there’s no one to connect him to the labs. I’ve already told Val and Gabe. Now he’s got them. I was an idiot to bring them into this.”

  “Sorry,” Molly said.

  “Wait.” Theo flipped open his phone and dialed. The phone rang eight times and Theo was glancing at the battery gauge, which showed only a quarter-charge, when a man answered.

  “Nailsworth,” the Spider said, leaving the caller to guess that they had contacted the Sheriff’s Department’s information officer.

  “Nailsworth, it’s Theo Crowe. I need your help.”

  “Having a bad day, Theo?”

  What a prick, Theo thought. “Listen, I’m trapped…”

  “I know where you are, Theo. Remember, I know everything. Actually, I’m glad you called. I had something I wanted to ask you about.”

  Theo fought the urge to scream at the megalomaniacal geek. “Please, Nailsworth, I don’t know how long this battery is going to hold out. I need you to do me a favor.”

  “Me first.”

  “Go,” Theo barked.

  “Well, when Burton called me, he mentioned that your accomplice said she was Kendra, Warrior Babe of the Outland. So I started looking around. Turns out there was a Molly Michon admitted to county psychiatric a few times. She left a Pine Cove address. I wondered if…”

  “It’s her,” Theo said.

  “Wow, you’re kidding! No way!”

  “She’s right here.” Theo looked at Molly and shrugged. “Look, you warned me not to go on the ranch. You know about Burton’s crank network.”

  “I might,” Nailsworth said.

  “Don’t be coy. You know everything. But what I need to know is do you have access to information that could be used as evidence—money transfers, checks, offshore accounts, phone records, and such—stuff you could give to the state attorney?”

  “Why, Theo, you’re starting to sound like a cop.”

  “Can you get it?”

  “Theo, Theo, Theo, don’t be silly. Not only can I get it, but I’ve had it. I’ve been compiling a file for years.”

  “Can you get it to the attorney general’s office right now?”

  “What’s in it for me?”

  “Nailsworth, he’s going to kill us.”

  “Kendra is right there with you, huh? I can’t believe it.”

  Theo shuddered, halfway between panic and anger. He held the phone out to Molly. “Say something Kendra-like.”

  Molly cleared her throat and said, “Die, you scum-sucking mutant pig. The only thing of mine you’ll feel is cold steel!”

  “Oh my God! It’s her!” the Spider said.

  “Yeah, it is,” Theo said. “Now will you help?”

  “I want a copy of the Norwegian Battle Babes. Can I get one?”

  Theo covered the receiver and looked at Molly. “Norwegian Battle Babes?”

  Molly smiled. “Kendra VI: Battle Babes in the Hot Oil Arena. The Norwegian version is the only version that has full nudity in all the arena scenes.
It’s very rare.”

  Theo’s mouth had dropped open. His survival had come down to this? “So do you have a copy?”

  “Sure.”

  “You got it,” Theo said into the phone. “I’ll bring Kendra naked and in person to your office if you get moving now.”

  “I don’t think so,” said Molly.

  “I’ll send the file to Sacramento,” the Spider said, “but that won’t do you any good. Even if you tell Burton about it, he’s got you in a perfect situation to kill you anyway. You need media.”

  “Media? Helicopters? We’re too far north to get anyone here in time,” Theo said.

  “No!” Molly shouted.

  “I’ll call them,” the Spider said. “Hold them off for twenty minutes, maybe twenty-five.”

  “We don’t have anything but naked people and a jealous sea monster to hold them off with.”

  “Is that more of your drug nomenclature?” the Spider asked.

  “It’s what it is. If they use gas, we won’t have twenty minutes.”

  “They won’t.”

  “How do…”

  “Twenty-five minutes. And Battle Babes better be in the original box.” The Spider hung up. Theo clicked his phone closed.

  “I said no helicopters, Theo,” Molly said. “Even if we get out, you know they’ll hurt Steve. You need to call him and tell him no helicopters.”

  Theo felt he was close to losing it. He clenched his fists and tried very hard not to scream in her face. His voice went to a whisper. “Molly, even with a warrant out for Burton, he will kill us. If you want your dragon to live, then you’ve got to get him out of here before they get here.”

  “He won’t leave. He won’t listen to me. Look at him. He doesn’t care about anything anymore.”

  Sheridan

  Sergeant Rich Sheridan was six-three, two-thirty, with dark hair, a mustache, and a long, hooked nose that had been broken several times. Like the other men on the hill, he was wearing body armor and a radio headset, as well as a weapons belt. He was the only one not holding his M-16. Instead he was talking on a cell phone. He had been a cop for ten years and working for Burton on the side for eight. If this had been an official activation of Special Weapons and Tactics he would have been second in command, but as the real commander wasn’t in Burton’s pocket, Sheridan was in charge.