Wild Inside

by Artemis Anders

  What was he going to say?

  Then it hit her. He was going to say he liked her but that he was who he was, a wild man with wild hair who couldn’t be tamed. Then another realization hit her. Sometime between Desert Starlight and crying in his arms that morning, she’d fallen for Asher.

  Shit.

  This. This was why she didn’t believe in casual sex. Casual sex led to feelings, and feelings led to pain. Some women could screw guys for fun without getting emotionally involved, but she wasn’t one of them. Asher wasn’t the shallow player he’d seemed at first, but he was still someone who didn’t want commitment, who didn’t want what she wanted. She’d disregarded Mel’s advice and let herself get emotionally attached. And she hadn’t seen it coming.

  When Diana reached Mel’s place, Mel wasn’t there. Diana checked her phone, which was still on silent. Mel had texted Diana, saying she’d run out for coffee and groceries and would be back later to go to the festival. Diana took a shower and cleaned up, still feeling awful. She didn’t know what was worse: her ex’s new baby, the baggage she’d unleashed on Asher, or seeing him with that woman. Part of her wanted to leave, to escape Red Rim and go home, where it was safe.

  But she couldn’t. Maybe there was an explanation for the blonde girl. Maybe the thing he’d wanted to say was something good, or at least something to make her feel better.

  When Mel got home, Diana told her what she saw on Facebook.

  “Shit!” Mel cried. “Did you unfriend that bitch?”

  Diana couldn’t help but chuckle. “No. It’s not her fault. It’s reality.”

  Mel hugged her. “We’re going to Starlight. And we’re going to dance and have fun and forget about that.”

  Diana nodded, wishing she could forget the rest too, the stuff she couldn’t say to Mel.

  Later, at the festival, the music did cheer her up a little, but she still couldn’t quite shake her somber mood. How had this happened? How had everything gone from fun to scary?

  By the time four rolled around, Diana began checking her phone. Asher should have called or texted by then. Finally, Diana excused herself to go to the restroom. As she walked to the back of the festival grounds, she spotted Asher. He was talking to a woman. Not the blonde from that morning, but a different blonde. He was smiling and looking at her intently, the same way he’d looked at Diana. He was flirting. Diana’s stomach churned, and then a wave of pain struck her abdomen. Great.

  Diana walked off. She needed to leave. It was time to go home.

  After she finished in the restroom, Diana found Mel. “Hey, girl. I think I’m going to head home. But I wanted to make sure you have a ride home…”

  Mel looked alarmed. “What? Are you okay?”

  Diana nodded. “I’m just tired, and I have a long week ahead. Thank you for letting me stay, and I’ll call you this week.”

  Mel nodded. “No problem, D. You go home and take care of yourself.”

  As Diana made her way toward the exit, someone grabbed her arm. Asher. When he saw the look on her face, his smiled faded.

  “What’s wrong?”

  “I’m leaving. I need to get home.” Diana turned and kept going.

  Asher followed her, grabbing her again. “Diana, stop and talk to me. Please.”

  Diana halted and faced him.

  “What’s the matter?” he said.

  “Nothing. I just want to leave.”

  “Why? Because of what happened at my house? The woman?” When Diana only gave him a look, he sighed. “That’s a long story.”

  “So you’ve said.”

  “It’s not that big of a deal—”

  “Isn’t it?” she countered, words spilling out of her before she could stop them. “I saw you. I saw the way she looked at you, the way you looked at her, and the way you hugged her…”

  He made a face. “Were you watching us?”

  Diana didn’t answer, suddenly feeling foolish. She waited for Asher to offer up a “she means nothing to me” or “she’s just a friend,” but it never came. She couldn’t read his expression, but it wasn’t the expression of a man who hoped to clear up a misunderstanding. Anger rose in her. “I should have known better. I did know better.” She walked off again, weaving past several people until she exited the festival grounds.

  Asher still followed her. “Stop and fucking talk to me, goddammit.” Diana stopped. They stood at the corner of the parking lot. “What do you mean, you should’ve known better?”

  “I should never have gotten involved with someone like you. You’re exactly what I thought you were.”

  Asher’s eyes flared with anger. “What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

  “You know what it means. You’re nothing but a good-looking guy who loves to charm women until they fall for you—”

  “I have one conversation with one woman and now I’m a fucking womanizer?” he cried.

  “It’s not just one woman! I saw you flirting with another one just now!”

  He shook his head. “Jealousy does not look good on you, sweetheart.”

  Diana blinked, feeling like she’d been slapped. “So I’m the fucking idiot, huh? The woman who lets you screw her in every place imaginable, who lets you see her at her worst, who—” She swallowed the lump in her throat. “Who was too stupid to see you for what you are.”

  His stare bored into her. “What am I?”

  “Do you even care about me, Asher?”

  “Yeah, I do,” he said, not sounding that convincing. “But I don’t need this bullshit—”

  “Of course you don’t!” she cried, gesturing wildly with her hands. “You want someone who’s always happy, who you can fuck whenever she’s around as long as she doesn’t expect anything from you!”

  Asher’s jaw tightened. “You don’t know anything about what I want.”

  “Do you care about me?” she said again. “Do you want to be with me?” Diana knew she sounded crazy. Like a desperate, crazy woman. And Asher looked at her like he thought so too. But even though she knew she was pushing him further away, she couldn’t stop herself.

  Asher hesitated, staring at her like he no longer knew her. “I care, alright? But I am who I am. I like my life how it is and I don’t want to answer to anyone.”

  “Including me.”

  Asher said nothing.

  “I have to go,” she said. She turned and walked away.

  This time, Asher didn’t follow her.

  When Diana got home, she unpacked her things and put away her bike. The reddish dust on her bike and the clothing she’d worn all weekend only made her start crying again.

  It was her own damned fault. She knew what kind of guy Asher was. Sure, he had far more depth than she’d expected. He’d even shown her compassion and genuine caring. But he was still a guy who needed attention from other women, who couldn’t give her what she wanted. She’d broken her own rules, and now she was paying the price.

  Her stomach grumbled. She had a strong craving for pasta. Pasta with gooey sauce and a huge piece of garlic bread. She checked her calendar—it had been three weeks since her visit with Mariah. She could eat gluten again. She ordered out; it wouldn’t be as good as she made, but she was too tired and beaten down to cook.

  When she picked up her baked ziti and garlic bread and brought it back home, she dug in. It tasted amazing. Three weeks without the food of her heritage was far too long. Afterward, she felt much better and went to bed early.

  At midnight, she woke up in pain. It was like someone had taken a match and lit her entire abdominal region on fire. She doubled over as a wave of pain coursed through her. She managed to shuffle into her bathroom and hunt down some medication before she crawled back in bed. Could it be the gluten? Or was it the pain of what happened with Asher, manifesting itself in her innards? On the one hand, she felt a couple of pangs earlier that day, before she’d even thought about gluten. On the other, she hadn’t had pain like this since before she met Mariah. And the night before Ma
riah, she’d had pasta for dinner at the brewery, and a brownie earlier that day.

  It took an hour for the pain to become manageable, although it showed no sign of going away. She lay awake, staring out her window at the stars, memories of her and Asher’s horrible argument on repeat in her mind. She regretted some of the things she’d said, and she cringed at the way he’d looked at her. Tears flowed again.

  Her relationship with Matthew had failed. She’d fallen for a man she could never have, and who could never make her happy. Her rat of an ex-husband had three kids, and she couldn’t even manage one. And to top it all off, her endo pain had come back.

  She was back at square one, and none the better for it.

  Chapter Nineteen

  Diana left her office to go find Mr. Murray, the wood shop teacher. She stepped outside, the early November leaves crunching under her shoes.

  “Diana.”

  Diana turned around, and she gasped when she saw who it was. Matthew stood there in his slacks and button-down, staring at her. Diana stared back for a moment, words eluding her. “Matthew. Hi. How are you?”

  “I’m good.” He paused. “I’m… I’m supposed to meet the vice principal about Cole.”

  Diana raised her eyebrows. “That doesn’t sound good.”

  Matthew rolled his eyes. “It’s stupid. Cole wore a t-shirt that may or may not break the rules, and when Benson told him to go home and change, he got a little… lippy.”

  Diana smiled, imagining Cole mouthing off to Vice Principal Benson, a surly old man who loved rules far more than he loved kids. “Between you and me, good for Cole.”

  Matthew laughed at that. “How are you? How’s your…” He motioned to his abdominal area.

  “Well, it was doing much better. This woo-woo acupuncturist I met has me taking all these supplements and eating gluten-free and diary-free. I think the supplements work, but I wasn’t buying the diet stuff, especially since it’s unnatural for Italians to be gluten-free.” Matthew chuckled. “But for the first time in three weeks, I ate pasta and garlic bread, and woke up in bad pain last night. So maybe there’s something to it after all.”

  “Or it was just coincidence. The gluten-free thing is such a racket. The dairy makes more sense, with lactose intolerance and all that.”

  “Maybe.” She paused. “It’s good to see you, Matthew.”

  “You too.” He hesitated for a moment. “Diana, I’m glad I ran into you. I really want to talk to you, if you feel comfortable. There’s a lot I want to say.”

  If he’d asked at any other time in the last several weeks, Diana would have said no. But today, and after everything, she felt happy to see him. What could it hurt to hear him out? Besides, she’d forgotten how handsome and clean-cut he was. “Sure. We can talk sometime.”

  “I don’t have the boys this weekend. Dinner? Saturday night?”

  She nodded. “Perfect.”

  Diana smiled after her chat with Mr. Murray. So far, David Turnbull was doing quite well in Mr. Murray’s after-school wood shop program. He’d taken David on for a trial period, with the understanding that if David didn’t behave, he wouldn’t get to remain in the program. However, Mr. Murray reported no problems at all.

  A chat with David’s art teacher, Mrs. Linder, revealed less promising results—David was sullen in class and didn’t seem to fit in with the other students. However, he didn’t rebel outright, either, and Diana and Mrs. Linder agreed to keep him there and see what happened.

  Yet, despite David’s progress, the mere thought of him saddened Diana. He only reminded her of Asher, who’d provided the inspiration that led to David’s improvement. What a shame that a man who cared about children as much as Asher did would never become a father. Diana shook her head, immediately pushing away any thoughts about Asher.

  When she got back to the front office, she found Matthew standing outside talking with Cole. She smiled and waved again. When Cole turned to see who his father was smiling at and spotted Diana, his eyes lit up.

  “Diana!” He came over and hugged her.

  Diana returned the hug, taken aback by Cole’s sudden affection. Cole had always treated her decently, but unlike Matt Jr., Cole had always kept his distance and had never been a hugger. He was more like his father that way. “Hi, sweetie! It’s good to see you.”

  “You too. Dad misses you and I do too.”

  Diana smiled, her face growing hot. “I miss you too, Cole.”

  “Get to class,” Matthew said, giving Cole a shove. When Cole ran off, Matthew gave a half smile. “Sorry about that. He’s never had much of a filter.”

  Diana giggled. “I remember. It’s part of his special charm.”

  Matthew opened the door for her. “I’ll give you a call.”

  Diana nodded and went inside.

  Diana’s phone rang. She grabbed it, a small but extremely annoying part of her hoping it was Asher. It wasn’t. But it was someone she was still happy to hear from.

  “Teagan!”

  “Hey, Diana,” came Teagan’s voice. “How are you?”

  Diana sighed.

  “That good, huh?”

  “Oh, I’m fine. It’s just… it’s been a crazy few weeks, that’s all.”

  “Tell me everything. I’m done writing for the day and have all kinds of time.”

  “I want to hear about you first. How’s writing going? How many books do you have now?”

  “I’ve lost count. I’m working on my third series.”

  “That’s amazing, Teagan! Are they doing well?”

  “Well enough that I don’t have to teach…”

  “And how’s your hottie of a boyfriend?”

  “He’s great. He’s still enjoying his job, although he has to travel more now. And it’s not like I can go with him. Although we’re going to Iceland later this month…”

  “How fun! I’ve never been there. I’ve never been anywhere, really, other than continental Europe a couple of times. How sad is that?”

  “You’ll get there, D.” She paused. “So, tell me what’s going on.”

  Diana heaved a sigh and told Teagan the latest about her endo and Mariah… and about Asher.

  “Jesus, Diana. That’s a lot. No wonder you’re in pain.”

  “I just… I feel so dang stupid. You know my rule about casual sex. And this is why I have that rule! It worked out for you and Aaron, but you’re the exception.”

  “Maybe so. But don’t be so hard on yourself. From what you said, this Asher guy was a lot more than just a quick lay. He helped you when you were at your worst and it sounds like he cared about you. Just because he isn’t what you need long-term doesn’t mean he didn’t add something to your life. I wish I could say the same about some of the guys I dated.”

  Diana sighed. “Great. Now I feel guilty. I said some shitty things to him.”

  “Then apologize.”

  “Maybe I should.”

  “Do you love him?”

  Diana hesitated. “Love him? I don’t think so…”

  “Are you sure?”

  “It doesn’t matter. He could never love me, not the way I want. And that’s not me being crazy or blind. He made his limitations clear, in the beginning and in the end.”

  “Then you did the right thing, D. Now you can move on.”

  “That’s the thing. I saw Matthew the other day. He was so sweet to me and so was his son. He wants to talk to me, and I agreed to have dinner with him tomorrow night.”

  “Do you want to go?”

  “Kind of. Yeah. I don’t know why. He just looked… good. I was so happy to see him. I haven’t forgotten everything that happened or the reasons I left, but… I don’t know. It can’t hurt to hear him out, right?”

  “Totally. Just don’t rebound, you know?”

  “I won’t, sweetie.”

  “Good,” she said. “So, I might be coming to Denver in December. I was hoping to see you and Hannah if at all possible.”

  “I’d love to, Teagan. Ke
ep me posted on dates.”

  Diana put on her boots and found her coat. Matthew would be there any moment and they would venture into the cold November evening to have dinner. She’d avoided gluten since that last bout of pain, but she would let herself have some tonight, although maybe not the full gluten monty this time. Maybe just some bread, for starters.

  When Matthew arrived, he looked handsome in his coat and navy scarf. He leaned over and gave her a kiss on the cheek. They drove downtown to a restaurant they’d been to several times, usually for a birthday or some other special occasion. It was an Italian place that met even Diana’s high standards.

  Inside, the host ushered them to their little table, with its white tablecloth and candle. The smell of garlic emanated through the place. Matthew helped her with her coat, taking it along with his own to coat check. When he returned, Matthew let Diana pick out a bottle of wine.

  After they sipped their wine and ordered dinner, Matthew cleared his throat. “Thank you. For agreeing to have dinner with me. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, and there’s a lot I need to say.”

  “Is everything okay, Matthew? You’re starting to worry me a little.”

  “Everything’s fine. I just… I just hope you’ll hear me out.” When she nodded, he went on. “First, I’m sorry for being such an asshole about the adoption thing. It was selfish. It was insensitive. You’ve struggled with… you’ve wanted kids for so long. And for me to say those things was wrong.” He shook his head. “I don’t always think about other people’s feelings until it’s too late. I don’t do it on purpose, and it doesn’t mean I don’t care. My father, he’s always been very abrasive and insensitive and I guess I’m just like him. And I worry that Cole is following in those same footsteps, so I’ve been trying to model better behavior for him.”

  Diana smiled. “Is that why he hugged me?”

  “Maybe. I’m trying to teach him about expressing his feelings. The good and the bad.”