Wild Inside

by Artemis Anders

“That’s amazing, Matthew.”

  He looked down for a moment. “Thank you. I’m trying. I wish I’d started sooner.”

  “Parenting is a tough job, sweetie. You learn as you go, like all parents have to.”

  After the server brought their salads, Matthew went on. “Also, I’ve been seeing someone. A therapist, not a woman.” He smiled. “After you left, I went to talk to him. I just wanted to complain, to be honest. But he helped me understand why you left. He helped me see that you have needs that weren’t being fulfilled.” He looked down for a moment.

  Compassion flooded Diana at how vulnerable Matthew looked. She knew how hard it was for him to talk about emotional issues. But here he was, talking about them, sharing with her.

  “I told him everything,” he said. “About my upbringing, about how Puritan my parents were about sex, about my… struggles. He put it all into perspective until it made sense. It all made perfect sense, and I don’t know why I resisted for so long. I mean, what was I afraid of?” He shook his head. “Anyway, I’ve had a bunch of sessions with this guy and it’s like I see the world in a totally different way now.” He took a forkful of salad.

  “I’m so happy for you, Matthew. It takes courage to face all that.”

  “Maybe. He even talked about his own upbringing. His father abused him and his mother, and he said he refused to face it until his wife threatened to leave him.”

  “He gets it.”

  “Yeah. He gets it. I’ve never really thought that what I was exposed to could be abuse, but in some ways it is. It warps you and makes you feel like shit about yourself.”

  Diana nodded at that, more and more impressed by Matthew’s sudden surge of insight. It made him look stronger, more handsome… and it made her miss him.

  “Sorry,” he said. “I don’t mean to hog up the whole meal talking about myself. I just… I just thought you of all people would understand, that you would appreciate it more than anyone.”

  “I do. I’m so happy for you.”

  When their dinner came, they moved on to other topics. They talked about work, about their plans for the upcoming holidays. Diana mentioned her trips to Red Rim Valley, leaving out any details about Asher, knowing it would only hurt Matthew. Besides, there was nothing to tell. Asher was no longer part of her life. She’d learned her lesson. Matthew even seemed glad that she’d spent time with Mel and had some fun.

  After dinner, they sipped their wine over candlelight and eventually left. Diana couldn’t believe what a nice time she was having. She only knew that, somehow, she’d gotten back on track again.

  The following weekend, Matthew took Diana out again. He dropped the boys at a movie with a friend, whose mother would pick them up later and let them have a sleepover. Again, she and Matthew had a nice time. Diana couldn’t believe the change in Matthew. Maybe it was all meant to be—their split, their separation, Diana’s fling with Asher—if it meant both of them could take the journeys they took and realize maybe they were a good pair after all.

  When Matthew dropped Diana off, he asked if he could come inside for a while. When Diana hesitated, Matthew raised his palms. “I’m not going to try anything. I just… there’s something I want to say.”

  Diana nodded and let him inside. She made them decaf coffee and brought out a few chocolates to go with it. When she sat down with Matthew on the couch, he looked nervous. Then she knew. He was going to make a case for them to get back together.

  He set his coffee down. “Diana…” He paused. “I’m going to be straight with you. I’m asking for another chance. Just one. I love you, my kids love you, even my ex-wife tolerates you, which is a big deal for her because she hates everyone.” Diana smiled at that. “I think we had a good thing, except for my occasional lack of sensitivity, which I’m working on, and the problems in the bedroom. I’m working on those too, and if I keep it up, my therapist says I’ll be up and running on all eight cylinders soon. I can tell it’s better already.” He paused. “I don’t mean to be disrespectful, but I’ve learned that it’s important to be honest about sex. I’m rock hard just looking at you.”

  Diana blinked in surprise. Matthew never said things like that. And she liked it.

  Matthew only smiled. Then he reached into his pocket and pulled out something. A box. When he opened it, a diamond solitaire ring, elegant and classic, stared back at her.

  Diana gasped, her heart beginning to pound. “Matthew,” she whispered.

  “Diana, I want to marry you. I want to marry you and I want kids with you. I don’t care if they’re our kids, adopted kids, or any damned kids off the street. I want you and I want a life with you, and I want everything that comes with it.”

  A giggle of joy escaped her. “Have you gone crazy?”

  He nodded. “Crazy for you. I know it’s sudden. I know it’s been a while and we probably have more to talk about. But you know me. You know how cautious I am and how I don’t do anything impulsively. I’ve thought about this for months, and every time I do, it feels right. The only unknown is whether you feel the same way.” He set the box on the coffee table. “You don’t have to decide right now. But I know what I want. I know what you want, too, and I know I can give it to you. All of it.”

  Matthew’s blue eyes glimmered at her. Suddenly, tears came to her eyes, one escaping down her cheek. Then another. Diana smiled, tears of relief running down her face.

  “I don’t need time, Matthew. My answer is yes.”

  Diana went over and hugged Matthew, smelling his familiar scent. Matthew hugged her back, stroking her hair softly.

  Diana said goodbye to her mom before putting her phone away and running off to get dressed for an evening hike. Well into November, it got dark too quickly to bother trying to ride after work. But with a group of friends and a headlamp, a hike and dinner afterward could be managed.

  Her mom sounded surprised about the engagement, but she was happy. When Diana first started dating Matthew, her mom wasn’t sure about his being divorced with two kids. But once her mom realized that Matthew could give Diana a stable home and children, his value went up in her eye. And her father? He didn’t care one way or another who Diana chose, as long as she didn’t have children out of wedlock. Diana laughed at that, promising her father that he had nothing to worry about.

  She hadn’t announced it to everyone yet. She didn’t quite know why, but perhaps she still felt skeptical about Matthew’s sudden turnaround, after well over a year of problems. Yet, sometimes losing the person you love could serve as a powerful motivator.

  And Matthew dutifully went to his therapist and seemed more comfortable with himself. In the bedroom, their first couple of sexual experiences were far from remarkable, but Matthew stayed hard and seemed more emotionally engaged. It was a big improvement, and it would only get better as he continued to strip away the sexual shame he’d inherited from his family. Plus, by marrying Matthew, she would gain two children she loved, plus any others they had or adopted. After feeling like her cup was empty, now it seemed full.

  Matthew wanted to set a date and start planning the wedding. He wanted the whole traditional affair, with a minister, bridesmaids and groomsmen, flowers, and with all their family and friends in attendance. He wanted all the things men usually griped about. Diana, overwhelmed by the prospect of planning such an elaborate affair, asked Matthew if they could hold off for the time being and focus on getting reacquainted. Matthew sighed, but agreed.

  When Thanksgiving rolled around, Diana cooked for Matthew, his boys, and her family. Her mom had always cooked Thanksgiving dinner, but her arthritis had gotten worse and she finally let Diana take over. Diana missed cooking for others, and having others to cook for. She’d cooked for herself during the time she and Matthew had been split up, but it wasn’t the same.

  It snowed that weekend, and they stayed in the rest of the holiday weekend to relax and watch the Broncos play. Diana missed being out on her bike, but the conditions weren’t right for riding. Her endo fl
ared up again, once badly enough to need extra ibuprofen, but it never got really bad. She hadn’t been that strict on the diet, especially over the holiday, but she still took the supplements.

  Back at work on Monday, the snow had cleared and the sun had come out. After meeting with two students and their parents, she left her office to walk down the street and get some lunch, glad to get outside in the fresh air.

  When she returned, Lena glanced up at her. “Diana, you have a visitor.”

  Diana halted. “I do?”

  Lena nodded, gesturing to Diana’s office.

  “Thank you,” Diana said, wondering who it could be. Had she forgotten an appointment?

  When Diana entered her office, a man stood facing the wall, examining her photographs and diplomas. When he turned around, her stomach flipped upside-down.

  It was Asher.

  Chapter Twenty

  Diana stared. Asher was standing there. Only feet from her. In her office.

  She took a deep breath, as if remembering she needed to breathe. “Asher.”

  “Hey,” he said quietly.

  It was him. Gorgeous, fit, in jeans and a Carhartt jacket like the mountain men wore, his wild hair pulled back into a ponytail. Yet, he didn’t look like him. He lacked his usual smile. His golden brown eyes didn’t have their usual twinkle. He had his solemn face on, the one she’d seen only a few times but knew to take seriously. Diana closed the door and sat down. Asher did the same.

  “What are you doing here?” she said, unable to think of anything more helpful to say.

  “I was in the neighborhood.” His voice was somber. “I needed to hit the big box stores and pick up some things for the shop and for the house. How are you?”

  “I… I’m okay. You?”

  “Not bad. The busy season is over, finally. I can get caught up on a few projects.”

  She nodded at that, puzzled by Asher’s small talk but glad for some time to gather her wits and get her heart rate to slow down.

  “How’s your endometriosis?” he went on.

  She grimaced. “It’s so-so. I was doing well, but I’ve been a little bad with the diet, especially over Thanksgiving…” She trailed off, just staring at Asher as he stared at her, like there was a mountain of things to say and neither could say them. Finally, her own emotions getting the better of her and tears coming to her eyes, Diana blurted out the first thing that came to mind. “Ash, I’m so sorry. I’m sorry for the way things ended. For the way I behaved and for the stupid things I said—”

  Asher shook his head, his eyes lighting up. “You don’t have to apologize—”

  “Yes, I do! I was feeling vulnerable, with my ex having another baby and with everything that happened between us, and I couldn’t see it at the time. It’s not an excuse, but I hope you can forgive me…”

  “Diana, about the woman who came to my house—”

  “It’s okay, Ash. You were clear about who you were and what you wanted. I was the one who forgot who I was. I let myself get emotionally involved. I’m not used to casual relationships and I got in over my head.”

  He shook his head again, leaning forward. “Listen. I was seeing Kira—the woman who came over—before you and I met. I ended it because I didn’t see it going anywhere and she wanted a relationship, despite trying to pretend she didn’t. I told her… well, what I told you early on. But then she saw you and me at the festival, dancing and carrying on. She could tell…” His forehead crinkled and he looked down for a moment. “She could tell I was into you. And she heard things around town… that I was spending a lot of time with you. She got pissed because I’d given her the ‘I’m not looking for a relationship’ excuse and there I was, doing things with you I never did with her. She said a lot of mean shit and it shook me up. So I tried to explain and I tried to show her some kindness, because she’s a great girl and doesn’t deserve that.”

  Diana nodded, secretly glad to hear it, but unsure what Asher was getting at. “Why are you telling me this now?”

  Asher’s stare bored into her. “Because, Diana. Because she knew! She knew what I wouldn’t admit to myself… that I’d fallen for you. Hard. And to be honest, it fucking freaked me out. You aren’t used to casual relationships, but I’m not used to serious ones. I tried that once and it didn’t end well.”

  Diana sat in her chair, everything still and unmoving except for her mind, which swirled with too many emotions. Asher’s attentions weren’t part of his usual repertoire with women? He’d had feelings for her, too? “So the long rides, and the picnics, and the nighttime hike—”

  “All for you. Yeah, I ride with other girls I’ve dated. We hike, we eat. But I never spend entire weekends with them. I don’t tell them about my ex fucking my best friend. I don’t sit with them in the doctor’s office. And I never take them to my place at Arches. That’s my place and I don’t share it.”

  But he’d shared it with her. Asher had gotten in over his head, like she had. He’d forgotten who he was, like she had.

  “I’m sorry it took me so long to tell you the truth,” he went on. “I just… I didn’t see it coming and I didn’t know how to handle it.”

  Diana smiled. “It’s okay. We both made mistakes.”

  When Asher smiled too for the first time since his arrival, relief flooded her. Goodness, how handsome he was. How gorgeous that smile. How amazing that he’d felt something too, that the experience wasn’t one-sided, that he’d come all the way to Junction to tell her that. She could tell it wasn’t easy for him, and yet he’d done the right thing. Again. Theirs had been an unforgettable time, but one they both knew couldn’t last.

  “I’m so glad you came and talked to me,” she said.

  “Me too. I want…” Asher took a deep breath. “I want to see you again. I want to try again, if it’s not too late.”

  Diana’s heart sank. Matthew. “Ash, I can’t.” She paused, not wanting to say it. “I’m back with Matthew.”

  Asher stared at her for a moment before he sighed. “Fuck.” He paused, gathering his thoughts. “Why, Diana? Why go back to that?”

  “Because he worked on some stuff. Because he can give me what I want.”

  Asher shook his head. “I don’t believe it. I’ve never even met him but I can tell that dude doesn’t get you.”

  “And you do?”

  He eyed her. “Better than he does.” He scooted his chair closer, so close that he could easily grab her hands. “I’m not perfect, okay? But I know we have something. Something amazing. And you know it, too. The truth is, Diana, I—” He stopped suddenly, his eyes no longer on her, but instead clouded over as he focused on something else.

  Her diamond ring.

  Asher let go of her right hand and held up the left. “What the fuck?” he cried. “Is this an engagement ring?”

  “Yes,” she said quietly, pulling her hand away and hiding it in her lap.

  Asher pushed back from her and stood up suddenly, the veins in his neck throbbing. “You’re marrying this guy? Are you fucking kidding me?”

  “Ash—”

  “You can sit there with that fucking diamond on your finger after what happened between us?” he said, his voice louder than she’d ever heard it.

  Diana stood up. “Keep your voice down!” she hissed. “This is my workplace.”

  “What the fuck are you thinking?” he went on, quieter now but just as angry.

  Diana felt her own anger rise. “What am I thinking? I’m thinking he loves me. He wants to get married and have kids, unlike some people I know. And maybe he doesn’t freak out because I had a moment of weakness and got jealous!” she added, knowing that last comment did nothing to help but unable to stop herself.

  “Oh, come on! There were two people freaking out that day, Diana.”

  Diana took a deep breath to calm herself. “Ash, what we had was special. It was beyond special… it was amazing. And I’m so glad to hear that you see it the way I do. But it’s not enough. And you know why.”<
br />
  “No, I don’t. Tell me why.”

  “Because! Because you love your freedom! And I need a man who wants marriage and wants kids and has a stable job—” She regretted it the instant she said it, especially when Asher looked like she’d just slapped him. “I didn’t mean that the way it sounded—”

  “The fuck you didn’t,” he said coldly. “Miss PhD doesn’t want to slum it with some loser who owns a bike shop.”

  “That’s not true—”

  “Bullshit,” he said through a clenched jaw. “You think I don’t know how educated women perceive me? Like some mountain biker they can fuck on the weekend and go tell their friends about? Sounds like you’re no different.”

  Diana, fully angry now, approached him with her finger pointed at him. “That is not who I am and you know it. And don’t you dare try and make this about our education levels. You made it clear that you value your freedom more than anything, that you love kids but don’t want to be tied down, and when I was at my worst that day at the festival, you made me feel like a desperate, jealous girl who wanted a guy who didn’t want her—”

  “I did want you! That’s what I’m trying to tell you, Diana! I did, and I still do. And I’m sorry I acted like an asshole and wasn’t more understanding.” He heaved a big sigh. “I don’t get the whole legal marriage thing, okay? I admit that. But I do get the kid thing, and I’ve always wanted it but I didn’t believe it fit my lifestyle. But it was never about that. Kids require a partner, and now I see I wasn’t running from commitment, I was running from… I was running from everything blowing up in my goddamned face like it did years ago. I wanted to be with you, but I was scared out of my mind. That’s what I wanted to tell you that morning, before Kira showed up.”

  Diana’s memory immediately returned to that moment, when he’d started to say something but then the knock at the door had interrupted him. With his withdrawn behavior the night before and her coming apart at seeing her ex’s baby, she’d chalked it up to him wanting to let her down easy, like he’d done with Kira. But he wasn’t trying to let her down. He’d been facing his own turbulent feelings and confusion, like she was.