Only Ever Us

by J. H. Croix

  Here she was now, more beautiful than she was back then. I didn't even know how that was possible. She'd filled out some, and she didn't look so young anymore. I was afraid I was going to mess this up.

  Someone had raped her, and I didn't know how to make it right. Despite my thoughts hammering away, she wasn’t letting me dwell.

  She was peeling off her jeans. My mouth had gone dry, and my cock was as hard as a baseball bat.

  “Wait!”

  Mae stopped with her hands curled over the waistband of her jeans. Turning to face me, she hitched her brows up in question. In three strides, I was standing right in front of her. Lifting a hand, I brushed her hair away from her face. Her lips were pink and kiss-bitten.

  “I don't want to rush,” I murmured.

  Her eyes searched mine, and I could hear the thud of my heartbeat echoing through my body. Everything was coiled tight inside, and I craved a release. Yet I had to say what came next. I couldn’t not say it.

  “We don't have to do this tonight.”

  Vulnerability flickered in her eyes, disappearing so fast I wouldn't have recognized it if I didn’t know her so well. Every time I thought about what had actually happened now that I knew the truth, it felt as if a knife was being twisted in my heart, again and again and again. I also wanted to break Chet into pieces. I wasn't a violent guy, but holy hell.

  He’d known Mae was my friend, and I hated thinking this, but that's probably part of why he went after her. He was always about just taking whatever he wanted.

  “I know we don't have to,” she said, her husky voice bringing me back to this moment. “But I want to.”

  I took in a gulp of air. “Okay, but we can stop at any point. I don't care when. All you have to do is say so.”

  “I know,” she whispered. “But that is exactly why I won't want to stop.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Because I know you will if I ask.”

  My heart ached as I nodded. “I don't have a condom.” I heard myself blurting out.

  After learning Mae’s truth, I had told myself I wouldn’t have expectations, so I had consciously left any protection at home.

  She stared at me quietly. “I have an IUD.” She paused, and she caught her bottom lip with her teeth, worrying it. “After what happened, I’ve always been really careful.”

  “Mae.” Her name came out in a ragged and raw whisper.

  “Stop. Just stop feeling bad. You can't change the past. Trust me, I wish I could,” she said, her chin lifting and her eyes glittering with determination. “Please, please don't let that screw everything up. I missed you. I know it's my own fault we stopped talking.”

  I shook my head sharply, sliding my hand down to palm the side of her neck. “It's not your fault. Even though I didn't understand then, I understand now. It was easier to be mad, and you probably needed to be mad.”

  The sound of her swallowing was audible. “I did.”

  “I've never had sex without a condom.”

  “Really?” Her eyes widened at this.

  I shrugged. “Uh, yeah. My dad lectured me about it repeatedly. My point being, I know I'm clean.”

  We stood there, and uncertainty started to slide through me. Not because I didn't want this. Holy fucking hell, I wanted this. I wanted Mae, and I trusted that she thought she wanted this, but it still had to be her call.

  She uncurled one of her hands from over her waistband, placing it on the center of my chest. My heart lunged toward the heat of her touch as she leaned up and brushed her lips over mine, making an indecipherable sound in her throat. Once again, the moment I was kissing Mae I forgot everything else. Her mouth was divine, and she tasted a little sweet.

  I was careful not to let my need and fierce lust take over by being gentle and not getting rough with her clothes. Jesus, I wanted to yank everything off. I forced myself to let her take the lead. It wasn't as if that was a hardship. Her questing hands mapped my chest and impatiently yanked at my shirt until I reached behind my head and tugged it off in one swoop somewhere along the way. She’d ditched her blouse and bra, and her skin felt so good. The tight points of her nipples pressed into my skin.

  At one point, she got impatient. “Rowan!” She pushed at my shoulder, and I reluctantly lifted my head from where I'd been making love to a sweet spot right behind her ear.

  She had goose bumps rising on her skin, and her cheeks were flushed pink.

  “What?” I asked.

  “Stop being so careful,” she ordered.

  “I’m not being careful.” That was sort of a lie.

  “Yes, you are. You're waiting for me to make every single first move. That's ridiculous. I want you, and you want me.” At this, she boldly stroked her hand over my aching arousal tucked behind my jeans. Another shot of blood arrowed down.

  I shook my head to try to think. “What are you asking?”

  “Stop thinking. Stop worrying. You didn't the other night in the kitchen.”

  “Oh no, I definitely did not,” I replied with a husky chuckle.

  “I promise I'll say something if it’s not okay.”

  It felt as if the reins of control were sliding through my fingers because then she pushed me back and finally shimmied out of her jeans. She had on this silky scrap of underwear.

  That was it. The reins slid through my fingers, and a whip cracked through the air, lightning sizzling around us. In a fiery second, her deft fingers unsnapped the button on my jeans and slid the zipper down. I kicked my jeans free, and then we were on the bed.

  She was warm and soft everywhere. Sweet sighs, whimpers, and moans surrounded us. I mapped her body, my lips lingering on every curve, teasing her nipples, my hand sliding over her trembling belly. A groan escaped when I discovered the silk between her thighs was damp. I already knew how she felt there, wet silk clenching around my fingers.

  “Rowan!” she cried out.

  She shimmied, and I tugged her panties down. I charted a path with my lips over the curve of her belly, dallying on the sensitive skin just on the inside of her pelvic bone. I slid my palms up her thighs, pushing her knees apart. Dipping my head, I tasted her. She was tangy and salty, and her hips bucked against my mouth.

  She came faster than I expected with a shudder against me and a rough cry. Then she was yanking me closer. I almost froze because this part of it was hard.

  Without a word, I shifted up and rolled onto my back. She had plenty of pillows on her bed, and I shimmied back until I was propped against them.

  Her hand curled around my cock, and she smeared her thumb over the cum already dripping out. She surprised me when she leaned down and gave me a teasing swirl with her tongue.

  “Come here,” I murmured.

  And she did. Her big ginger eyes were boring into mine, and I felt my heart kick hard enough to crack a rib. This girl was everything. It had only ever been us. I remember thinking I'd been the luckiest guy when we kissed the first time.

  But then, it all got blown to smithereens. Maybe luck was on my side now. We were both older and wiser, smart enough to know when we had a good thing.

  I watched as she rose over me, her breasts bouncing. I couldn't resist, leaning forward and catching one of her damp pink nipples with my mouth. I gave it a sharp suck, and her fingers speared my hair when she cried out. My head thumped against the headboard behind me.

  I felt the kiss of her slick heat. I held my breath, resisting the urge to thrust into her. She slid down swiftly, closing her eyes and taking a deep breath. When they opened, everything blurred as I lost myself in her gaze and the silky clench of the very heart of her.

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  Mae

  Rowan stared at me. I couldn't look away from the beam of his gaze. My body was a cacophony of sensation. But amidst the intensity of it all, a sense of triumph rose through.

  Finally, finally. I had erased an ugly experience with this one.

  Not for a second did I think of what had happened before. A
ll I knew at this moment was Rowan and the feel of him filling me. Bonus point: firefighters are pure muscle. He was all of that. His hands slid down to my hips, gripping just enough to let me know he was there.

  I was impatient and rose again, demanding, “Don't be gentle. Fuck me.”

  His grip tightened, and he rocked into me deeply. My eyes fell closed as I took a shuddering breath. I didn’t expect what came next. He'd already given me one orgasm with his mouth and his fingers, and I thought that was enough. After several deep strokes, he held me closer and rocked into me in subtle nudges. My breasts brushed against his chest when he whispered, “Mae, I need to see you.”

  I dragged my eyes open. It felt as if intimacy was binding us in a shimmering net, like glittery sparks flying from a bonfire encircling us. His green eyes were hot on mine. His thumbs pressed right over my clit. My orgasm startled me, the force of it so intense I cried out keenly. My mind blanked, and I swear I saw stars.

  I felt him shudder with one deep surge into me, followed with the heat of his release filling me. His arms wrapped around me, and I fell against him, tucking my head into the curve of his neck as we trembled together. I didn't know how long he held me like that, but my awareness returned in pieces. The sensations ricocheting through me slowed. His fingers sifted through my hair. I felt the press of his hand still gripping my hip, his collarbone under my lips, and the feel of his heartbeat slowing in tune with mine. I didn't want this to end because it was so much better than I thought. I did trust him completely, and I'd already known that. Even then, I'd worried. But this experience was so separate from what had happened before. The fragmented memories didn't bombard me as I’d feared they might.

  I eventually lifted my head to find his gaze waiting. We stared at each other quietly for a moment, and I felt my lips tug into a lopsided smile.

  He leaned forward and kissed me. His gaze was almost bemused.

  “What?” I pressed.

  He lifted his shoulder lightly in a shrug. “I don't know. That just felt really good. Better than really good. Better than amazing.”

  I rolled my eyes. “Better than amazing?”

  After the intensity of that and all the emotion attached to it, I needed the lightness. When he laughed, I could feel the reverberation of it in my body. Because he was that kind of man, he lifted me off his lap and carted me into the shower. We fell asleep together.

  I came awake to the feel of Rowan shifting behind me into a shivering stretch. I felt every vibration of his body down to my toes. He was a toe-curling kind of guy. He was spooned behind me, and I lay there blinking as a smile curled the corners of my mouth.

  I almost laughed, and then realized I actually had when he asked, “What's so funny?”

  I felt the rumble of his voice between my shoulder blades. “Nothing really.” I rolled over on my back, feeling a little sheepish. “I never thought I'd wake up with you.”

  His eyes skated over my face when his lips stretched into a smile, and my belly did a little shimmy and twist. We stared at each other, and it felt kind of silly. He lifted a hand, smoothing my tangled hair.

  “It's really pretty awesome,” he murmured before dusting a kiss over my lips.

  That glancing touch sent a sizzle zipping through my body. He rose, resting on an elbow as the sheets slid down to his waist. I sighed and elbowed him in the side.

  “What?”

  “You're kind of too much.”

  “Too much what?”

  I waved vaguely at his chest. “All manly and muscley,” I offered by way of explanation.

  He chuckled. “My job's kind of demanding.”

  “True. You actually have to stay in shape.”

  “What are your plans for today?” he prompted.

  I straightened, feeling a little bashful and tugging the sheet with me. I saw Rowan's eyes, or rather felt Rowan's eyes, dip down to my nipples, which were telling him good morning by perking up. My cheeks got hot, and he was gracious enough to let me keep the sheet tucked under my armpits.

  Sassafras jumped on the bed, coming to a quick stop as her tail twitched in the air. She appeared to be attempting to assess the situation.

  “Does she normally sleep with you?” Rowan asked.

  “Um, no, not really. Sometimes she does, and sometimes she doesn't, but I don't think she's ever stayed in bed all night, that's for sure.”

  “I don't think she likes me.”

  Sassafras sank her haunches on the bed, her tail slithering back and forth like a snake on the sheets. “Aunt Carrie said she needed me.”

  “I think she probably figured her cats were more than enough,” Rowan offered, his tone dry.

  “You know her cats?” I prompted.

  The rumble of his chuckle reverberated through me. “Carrie’s a regular with the fire department. Her older cat is known to get stuck in trees. It's a rite of passage to go rescue him. I've already had to do it twice because she's got a kitten now too.”

  I sputtered a laugh. “Of course, she does. I didn't know her older cat got stuck in trees that often, though.”

  “Your plans?” he asked.

  “I don't have any plans. Would you like some pancakes for breakfast?”

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  Rowan

  Mae made us pancakes for breakfast. They were light and fluffy, and she sprinkled chocolate chips on them. The fact that she remembered I loved chocolate chip pancakes was more sweet than bitter. But there was definitely a tinge of bitter because I'd missed seven years with her.

  Obviously, I couldn’t predict how things would’ve turned out, but I was pretty sure we would have stayed together. I loved her already. I just didn't know if she was ready for me to unload that on her.

  We went from pancakes to her insisting that we should go for a walk even though it was snowing. Snow was floating from the sky in plump flakes, and she wanted me to see her favorite waterfall.

  The day was beyond good. I hiked with her to see a small waterfall that poured over a cliff in the forest. It was definitely worth the twenty-minute hike into the frosty trees. After the hike, we decided to swing by Firehouse Café for hot chocolate. Mae promised me she would spike the hot chocolate when we got back to her place.

  Janet was smiling at us when we reached the counter. “You two seem like you've known each other for a long time,” she commented.

  Mae’s cheeks were tinged pink as she nodded and dipped her chin. “We were in college together.”

  Janet's sharp gaze bounced back and forth between Mae and me before her smile flashed again. “Well, what can I get you?”

  “Mae says I need to try your peppermint hot chocolate,” I replied.

  “We need it to go because I'm spiking it,” Mae chimed in.

  Janet's laughter rang out. “That's the way to do it. You know, I can serve alcohol after six.”

  Mae glanced at her watch. It was five thirty. Just then, the bell over the door announced someone's arrival. Mae glanced back, and her flush deepened.

  “Well, you're about to meet her parents. I hope you're ready,” Janet said, sotto voce.

  Mae cast a faux glare at Janet, and Janet simply grinned. “I'll get those hot chocolates. Peppermint for both of you?”

  At Mae’s nod, Janet turned and began prepping our drinks.

  “Hi, sweetie,” the woman I presumed was Mae’s mother said as she stopped at her side and gave her a quick hug.

  Although Mae’s mother's hair had faded from a honey blond to a more silvery shade, they shared similar coloring. Mae’s father cast me an alert look, but he waited patiently before stepping to Mae’s side and dropping a quick kiss on her cheek.

  “This is Rowan,” Mae said, gesturing to me. “This is my mother, Barbara, and this is my father, Daniel.”

  I shook both of their hands. “Nice to meet you both.”

  Mae’s mother appeared almost bursting with excitement. I wasn't sure what she was going to do, and then suddenly, she hugged me. “It is so nice
to meet you.”

  Mae let out a soft sigh. “Mom, please don’t make this weird,” she pleaded.

  Barbara waved her off. “This is your friend from college, right? You used to talk about Rowan all the time. You said you were going to bring him to Alaska, and then you never did.”

  I could practically feel the tension vibrating from Mae. Her eyes narrowed, and my gut clenched. She had the look she’d had the whole last month of that fated semester and the following year when I hardly ever saw her. Her features were stiff—very careful, very controlled. I knew without her telling me that she'd never told her parents what happened. Although my heart was already broken and cracked wide open over what happened to her, this somehow made it hurt even more. I hated that she handled it alone.

  “Well, he's here now,” Mae said brightly.

  Janet handed me the hot chocolates. I had already put cash on the counter, and she snatched it up while Mae wasn't paying attention. “I'm a hotshot firefighter,” I explained when Mae’s mother asked me what I did.

  Her father nodded as if he approved. “Plenty of those around here.”

  “Very true.” With Willow Brook the base for three crews, the area had more than enough firefighters. Alaska needed firefighters because it was a big state, and much of the land had a high fire risk.

  Mae’s parents hadn’t even looked toward Janet until Mae finally said, “Mom, it's your turn.”

  “Oh!” Barbara squeaked while her father chuckled.

  “Would you like to come to dinner?” her mother asked next as her father stepped to the counter.

  “Mom,” Mae ground out, her tone laced with warning.

  “I'd love to have dinner sometime if it's all right with Mae.”

  When Mae looked at me, I could see the gratitude in her eyes as she mouthed, “Thank you,” over her shoulder.

  “You just make your plans with Mae, and I’ll be there,” I offered. “I'll make sure she knows my schedule.”