Only Ever Us

by J. H. Croix

  “Okay, let’s head to his apartment. Not that you're worried, but I did notify the police we might be visiting him,” Lucas offered.

  “You mean I can't just kick this guy's ass?”

  “I don't think that would be smart,” Lucas replied dryly.

  I gritted my teeth. I knew he was right, but still.

  A short while later, we pulled up in front of a duplex on a narrow road just off the main highway. A single car was there, which Lucas confirmed belonged to the boyfriend.

  We had agreed to go in together. I knew this was going to piss my sister off, but at this point, I wanted this guy to leave her alone. We knocked on the door, and a young guy answered the door. I could see my sister sitting on the couch in the background.

  “Hey, sis,” I called over the guy's shoulder, ignoring him to begin with.

  “Who the fuck are you?” he demanded.

  My sister stood at this point. Larry glanced over his shoulder, saying to her, “How the fuck do you know this guy?”

  “He's my brother,” she said quickly. Colbie slipped past him to give me a hug.

  Stepping back, I held her by the shoulders. “You want to go wait in the car?”

  Her eyes bounced like a ping pong from me to Lucas to her boyfriend and back to me. “Rowan, I—”

  “You're not staying here. I know you're gonna be upset about it, but that's the deal.”

  “Who the fuck do you think you are? You aren't telling her what to do,” Larry interjected.

  Dropping my hands from my sister’s shoulders, I narrowed my eyes and turned to face him. “Here's the deal. The police are on backup. She's going to the car.”

  My sister opened her mouth to say something, at which point Larry did me a favor. He didn’t even look her way when he ordered, “Get the fuck out and don’t come back.”

  Colbie dashed past him, grabbing her purse and hurrying back out to the car. I could tell she was trying not to cry, but I’d have to deal with that later. Lucas had remained quiet.

  “And who the fuck are you?” Larry asked.

  “Is that your only question?” I countered sharply.

  “She's old enough to decide who she wants to hang out with.”

  “She's sixteen, and you're eighteen. I don’t give a fuck about anything other than you being a controlling asshole. If anything happens, you get big boy charges,” I said flatly.

  As soon as I heard the car door slam shut outside, I thumped my fingers on his chest, pushing him back through the door. Lucas crowded behind me and kicked the door shut.

  “Here's the deal: leave her alone, or I will make your life a living hell. You are not to spend time with her. You are not to hang out with her. You will stop calling her, lose her number, all of it.”

  Larry narrowed his eyes, sneering a little. “You know, trying to make her stay away from me is gonna make her want me more.”

  I wanted to vomit all over the guy's chest. Fisting his shirt in my hand, I pulled his face to mine. “No, it's not. She has better options. We know the scoop on your father, and we know the scoop on what you're doing in the background. Either way, your life is going to be hell. But you keep her tangled up in it, and we'll make it more hell.”

  “You don't even fucking live here,” he sputtered as I let go and shoved him back.

  In all honesty, he wasn't putting up much of a fight, which made me even more angry. He was the kind of guy who only bullied people who were smaller than him. He was outnumbered, and he didn't have a chance against Lucas and me.

  “I'll stay in town until I make sure you’re out of her fucking life.”

  “Plus,” Lucas chimed in. “I'm here all the time, and I'm her cousin. I'm on the first responder crew. We're everywhere all the time. We know your family's history. We know everything. Whether or not Colbie’s brother is around, we've got her back.”

  Larry glared at us. “Whatever. She sucks in bed anyway.”

  My fist drew back and cracked him on the jaw before I could even think. Lucas simply watched while Larry cried out sharply, cradling his face.

  We left. Before we got in the car, Lucas stopped to call the police, giving them an update because he had promised to do so. I was trying to figure out how the fuck my sister ended up with this guy. We climbed in the car, and Colbie was fuming in the back seat.

  “What did you do?” she spit out.

  “We'll talk in a minute,” I said.

  “Rowan, I'm going back in.”

  She started to climb out, and I was profoundly grateful there were childproof locks on this car.

  Turning, I eyed her. “If you hang out with him, we will get him arrested. He's dealing meth on the side.”

  “No, he's not,” she protested.

  “Yeah, he is,” Lucas said flatly, turning to look at her.

  “How do you know?” she pressed.

  “You know my job. I’m on the first responder crew. We coordinate with the police all the time. Larry deals drugs with his father. It’s a family business,” Lucas explained.

  “Things have been really hard for him,” Colbie insisted, although her voice was quieter.

  Once we got onto the highway, I pulled off at a rest area so we could finish this conversation before we got home. “You want to know what he said about you?” I asked.

  “What?” she muttered, her arms crossing like a guardrail in front of her chest.

  “That you suck in bed,” I said flatly. “That’s what this guy's willing to say about you to your brother and your cousin. He’s an asshole.” My sister burst into tears, and I pressed on. “He thinks this is going to make you want him more. What you have to understand is this guy doesn't care about you. He's just using you.”

  “You can't control who I see,” she argued.

  “I know I can’t, but I'm not gonna sit back and let this happen.”

  “Well, what are you gonna do? Move home?” she muttered as she swiped at her tears with her palms before fishing for a tissue in her purse and blowing her nose.

  “If that's what has to happen, I will,” I replied sharply.

  “You don’t need to move home,” Lucas interjected. “Now that I know what's going on, I'll keep my ear to the ground. And you know I've got the connections to make sure he's under a fucking microscope. I've already talked to the cops.”

  My sister swung her tearstained face toward Lucas. “Are you serious?”

  He shrugged. “Absolutely. You know who you need to talk to?”

  “I don't need to talk to anybody!” Colbie burst out.

  Lucas continued, “I'm going to take you out to the lodge. You can have a little chat with my friend Shay.”

  My sister rolled her eyes. “Why do I want to talk to Shay?”

  “Because she knows how things go when you stay with guys like that. Her ex beat her in a fucking parking lot, and that was the only reason he got arrested,” Lucas said flatly.

  Colbie sagged into the seat. The fight seemed to have gone out of her, and she fell silent for the rest of the drive. After I dropped Lucas off and we returned home, she refused to speak to my parents. She walked straight upstairs into her bedroom and slammed the door.

  After filling my parents in, I went to bed. Colbie had my old bedroom, so I was sleeping on a pullout couch in my mother's office. Once I was in bed, I leaned against the pillows and texted Mae.

  Me: Miss you. How are you?

  Her reply came in seconds.

  Mae: Miss you too. I'm fine. What are you doing up so late?

  I decided to call her rather than do this text dance. She answered on the first ring. “Hey.”

  The second I heard her voice, the tension that had been bundled tight around my chest and shoulders started to loosen.

  “Hey…”

  I filled her in on the events with my sister. Mae was a good listener, and it was a relief to talk to her. “All you can do is be there for her. It's hard when you're young.”

  “I know, but fuck. I'm worried this is gonn
a push her away.”

  “Maybe. But it sounds like he has the incentive to stay away.”

  “I hope so.”

  “Keeping her safe is important, but you're going to have to let her feel her way through not blaming herself for dating an asshole once she can think clearly about it.”

  “I know.” I sighed, leaning my head back. “Tell me what's happening there.”

  “You've only been gone for two days,” she replied, her laughter soft and spinning warmth around my heart. She quickly filled me in on her day at work and her cat’s antics. I wanted to stay up all night talking to her.

  “Can we watch a show together?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “You’re home, and I have a TV, so we can hang together on the phone and watch something.”

  “Okay, what are we watching?” I could feel the smile in her voice.

  “Schitt’s Creek. I don't know what episode we're on, though.”

  “Hang on, I can tell here.”

  I fell asleep after two episodes. I woke up the next morning to find my sister sulking in the kitchen. She informed me that Larry was refusing to return her texts. I wanted to say thank fucking god, but all I said was, “Oh.”

  Meanwhile, I called up a friend from college and started chasing down the leads I had on Chet.

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  Mae

  Thanksgiving dawned cold and clear. The frosty ground crunched under my feet as I walked out to my car. I was meeting my mother for coffee, and the morning felt good. I felt like things were on track for Rowan and me, and I was almost giddy about it. I felt as if I were in a little bubble, and it felt almost too good to be true. A corner of my mind was braced for something to burst.

  I hoped maybe, just maybe, we had already done the hard part as far as karma went. At Firehouse Café, while I was waiting for my mom to arrive, I opened up my email. In a mere second, it felt as if I were falling from a great height. My stomach bottomed out, and I felt sick.

  So, I heard you told someone what happened.

  The email contained a single sentence in the subject line, and it sent me spinning. My skin felt prickly and a sense of panic fisted in my chest. I felt light-headed and saw black dots along the edges of my vision

  I knew this feeling well. I'd experienced it way too often during the first few years after it happened.

  No, no, no, no!

  “Mae?”

  My mother's voice broke through the static filling my brain. My heartbeat was still galloping along. It genuinely felt as if I was in true and literal danger at this very moment. But when I looked up into her eyes, I managed to take a breath, and the black dots started to recede. I looked around the familiar café, and Janet's warm laughter reached me where she was talking to a couple at a table nearby.

  “Are you okay, honey?” my mother asked after lightly squeezing my shoulder and sitting down across from me.

  “Yeah, yeah, I’m fine,” I managed.

  I tried to marshal my composure and paste something like a polite smile on my face, but I couldn't even do that. I reached for my coffee, and as my hands curled around the mug, I realized they were ice cold. I took a quick swallow, relieved my mother was distracted as she shrugged her coat off her shoulders, letting it fall over the back of the chair, and put her keys in her purse.

  When her eyes lifted again, they skated over my face. “What is it?”

  I took another swallow of coffee, the warm liquid sliding through that tight, icy fist around my heart. “Why don't you order first?” I heard myself saying

  She looked a little puzzled, but the timing was good because Janet happened to stop at our table just then. “Good morning. Mae’s already got her coffee, but what can I get for you?” she asked my mother.

  “I'll just take a house coffee, no cream and no sugar.”

  “Do you want anything for breakfast? And what about you, Mae? I think I got distracted after I got your coffee ready,” Janet said with an apologetic smile.

  I wasn’t sure I could eat anything, but I figured I might as well try. My stomach felt empty and sick, almost hollow. “I'll take a plain bagel with butter.”

  I didn't hear what my mother ordered, but then we were alone, and she looked at me expectantly. Although my timing was terrible, I did something I never thought I would do. I didn't know what I was doing, but I clearly wasn't thinking.

  “I never told you this, but someone raped me in college.”

  My mother's hand flew to her chest, and she gasped. The hiss of it whistled through her teeth as she snapped her mouth shut. She reached across the table, her hand curling over mine. Her touch was warm, and I was still freezing.

  “Mae. I’m so sorry. I wish you’d told me before,” she said simply.

  Oddly, I was calm. The immense relief of simply saying the truth aloud was so profound and strange that this part wasn't stressful. “I don’t know why I didn’t.”

  After her initial reaction, I could sense my mother was floundering. “Honey, tell me what happened.”

  “That's it, that's what happened. It was at a party.” My mother blinked. “Someone spiked my drink. That's so common they even have a nail polish for women to use now. I don't go to parties, and I've never accepted a drink from anyone since then,” I said, surprised at how calm my voice sounded. I felt weird as if I was watching myself do this and not really in my body.

  My mother squeezed my hand. “Why didn't you tell me before? I wish I could’ve been there for you.”

  The first wave of emotion hit me—a jumble of sadness and anger and shame.

  I shrugged. “I don't know. I'm okay.”

  “Are you?” she pressed.

  “I am.”

  “I don't even know what to ask. Should I ask questions?” she finally asked after a long pause.

  “If you want. I didn't press charges if you're wondering, I did tell some friends and talked to a therapist about it, but that was it.”

  “Do you want to do something about it now?”

  I shook my head slowly. “I don't think so. I looked into it. It would be a difficult case because I’d been drinking, and he drugged me. My memories aren’t all that clear.”

  My mother flinched and took a shaky breath. Just then, the young man who worked with Janet some mornings arrived with my mother’s coffee. I was relieved it wasn’t Janet. Not because I didn't adore her, but she was way too perceptive. He had a tray full of coffees and plates with food.

  “Your food will be out in just a few minutes,” he commented just before he moved away to serve the next table.

  My mother finally released my hand and lifted her coffee. After a few swallows, she studied me. “What can I do for you?”

  “Nothing. I didn't really expect to tell you that, but I guess I just did.” I wasn't ready to tell her what prompted this. That stupid email from Chet. Somehow, he knew I had told someone. Well, fuck Chet.

  I might be panicking about it, but I wasn't going to keep his dirty secrets. “It wasn't like it was a secret before. I just didn’t say anything.”

  “It breaks my heart that you've carried this alone. I wish I'd known sooner.”

  I took a gulp of coffee. “It's okay. I honestly don't want to keep talking about it forever. I know it's a shock, and you're trying to absorb the information.”

  My mother nodded slowly. “It is a shock. I want to be there for you. If you don't want to keep talking about it, I understand. Can I ask one more question?”

  “Go for it.”

  “What do I tell your father?”

  “You can tell him.”

  I had abruptly decided this wasn't going to be a secret. I wasn't sure why this shift inside me had happened so fast, but here we were.

  “Okay. If he wants to talk to you about it, what should I tell him?”

  “That I don't have much more to say other than that. I can tell him exactly what I said to you if that would make him feel better.”

  My mother sucked in
a fast, sharp breath. “Those are all my questions. If you want me to do anything else and support you in any way, please just let me know.”

  I could sense she wanted to go into comfort mode, but that wasn’t what I wanted now. She knew me well enough to know that. I didn’t precisely understand why, but I simply wanted the truth out.

  “I will.”

  As if on cue, our breakfast was delivered to the table, effectively ending that conversation. I was still too unsettled to eat much and mostly picked at my bagel. When we were out in the parking lot, my mother gave me a long hug.

  “I love you, Mom,” I said as she stepped back.

  “I love you too. I wish I could have been there for you sooner.”

  “I know you do. It's okay.”

  And it was okay.

  After I climbed into my car, I felt another shock wave, like the ripples from a boulder falling in a pond. A wave crashed over me, and panic started spinning again. I couldn't bring myself to open the email.

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  Mae

  That night, I arrived at Madison's house. Madison was hosting a Tex-Mex dinner, declaring that winter in Alaska called for her favorite foods. When I arrived, I was pleased to see Phoebe, Susannah, and Maisie there.

  Maisie’s toddler was bouncing on her lap. I smiled over at the little boy. “He’s got your curls.”

  “He sure does.” She lightly tugged a brown curl with her fingers, stretching it out and letting it bounce back before he wiggled off her lap. “Don't worry. He won't be here all night. Beck is coming to pick him up. He’s on daddy duty. I told him this was a girls’ only night. He's gonna want some of that food,” she called over to Madison, who was at the stove.

  “I'll make him a to-go plate,” Madison called in return.

  Madison pulled out a casserole pan of enchiladas, which she’d smothered in cheese and sauce.

  “Wow, you're not messing around,” I commented.

  She flashed a smile. “There’s no such thing as too much cheese and sauce.”

  She pulled out a small round aluminum pie pan and transferred some into it before putting foil over the top. Glancing over at Maisie, she said, “This is for Beck when he gets here.”