Searching For Who I Am: Book 1 (The Searching Trilogy)

by Paige Orr

  “What the hell happened? And I swear to Hades, I'll rip your throat out if you sweet talked your way into her bed when there are way more important things you should be doing!”

  “Fuck no, I didn't try to fuck her. I know I'm an Incubus but give me some credit. I'm so fucking sorry, I swear I never knew this would happen but she didn't believe me and she was angry. She wanted proof and I thought it would be the easiest way.”

  He doesn't even take a breath as he rushes through what he says, trying to calm the anger he sees swirling in my eyes. I let out a breath I didn't realize I was holding, trying to calm myself before replying. He may be stupid but he hasn’t deliberately put her in danger.

  “Lucien slow down, I know you would never intentionally hurt Lilith, and I can't understand you when you talk that fast. I didn't mean to take this situation out on you. Now, what didn't she believe? I couldn't understand much on the phone through your panic.”

  He nods his head at me, taking a few deep breaths to compose himself. “She thought her dad was ripping the piss out of her by saying that demons are real and that she is one. He told her in the fucking letter and never even thought to warn any of us! On top of that, he knew he was going to die! He also told her she had to accept what she is, she was fucking hysterical. She wanted proof.”

  He starts wringing his hands together. “I thought the easiest way to give her proof would be to show her my true form. You know that I don't look all that different between my two forms, so I thought I would be the least likely to freak her out. I didn't want to scare her, but when I changed she went into shock and passed out. I thought she had just fainted and would be okay, but when I went to carry her to the master suite she began to burn up and I noticed her starting to change. I've never seen anyone's full powers come on so fast and I've lived a long life. She’s already completed the full fucking awakening. It usually takes at least a couple of months. I just don't get how it's even possible. She woke up around twenty minutes ago but she's complaining of some pain and weakness. Even though it eased some while I explained what happened, she started having a seizure and passed out again.”

  “Well shit, that's not what I was expecting. I've never heard of anything like this either. Once I've checked on her I'll get straight on to Sam. Hopefully he'll be able to get us more information. You better take me to her.”

  Lucien gestures for me to come in and follow him. He takes me upstairs and to the master suite, then pulls up short and turns back to me. I can see the apprehension in his gaze but we really don't have time for his shit.

  “I managed to tell her you were coming during the time she was awake, hopefully she won't freak out if she wakes up to you here.”

  I nod my head and gesture for him to open the door. Lucien steps into the room first and I go to follow him inside but freeze after passing through the door. I whip my head around, eyes zeroing in on the figure in the bed and it suddenly feels like I can't breathe. I begin to hear a buzzing in my ears as one word slips almost soundlessly from my lips.

  “Mine”

  Unknown

  I sit in my office impatiently awaiting the report on the girl from my most trusted lieutenant. The useless bastard is taking too long. It's not that hard to find out who the fuck she is. I already have my plan on how I'm going to take her. I can almost taste all that power just thinking about her, and soon enough it'll all be mine. I'm sitting staring out the window and daydreaming about how she'll taste when he bursts through the door.

  “Sir, I'm afraid that the thrall we had following her has reported seeing her with Lucien Salvador and that he took her to Asmodeus's home! they've been there for quite some time!”

  I turn to him letting out a sigh. “Yes that is a problem but not one that can't be taken care of now that Asmodeus is no longer alive. So why are you making such a big deal about this and bothering me with it?”

  I can see the sweat forming on his brows as he takes a breath. “Well sir, the thralls I have looking into who she is haven't come back with much. She has a mortal mother who is a drunkard and she had a bad upbringing. She just moved out of her ex-Fiancé house and is unemployed. She's from around here and no one can figure out why there's no record of her being supernatural. That isn't even the worst part though, Taehyung has just arrived and he was in a rush to get there. We don't know if the other three will be arriving anytime soon.”

  I spring from my seat with a bloodcurdling roar, throwing my desk across the room. Not again, she's mine! I won't let them have her not with so much power from a half breed. I'll become a fucking laughing stock! Those arseholes have taken enough from me and now it's my turn. I'll take her and use her against them. They'll know what pain really is once I'm done with them, then I can keep her and use her as much as I please. My plan can't be stopped now, I'll make sure of it.

  “It looks like it's time for me to take point on this little adventure. I'm coming for you sweet girl."

  Lilith

  I wake to darkness and the sound of hushed voices coming from outside of my room. I move experimentally and I feel like I've been hit by a fucking double decker bus. Groaning, I turn onto my side, isn't this all just a bundle of joy and happiness. Suddenly I need the bathroom and I feel like crying. Yeah, with this much pain this can only go badly. I try to sit up quietly and I hold in a whimper as I finally end up perched on the edge of the bed. Great, I can't even sit up without feeling like I've run a fucking marathon. I take my time catching my breath before attempting to stand.

  Finally, with my breathing back under control, I start to push to my feet. Dammit, I feel like an old woman and I swear I can hear my bones creaking. I finally get to my feet but as soon as I do my legs give out and I tumble to the floor. The door bursts open immediately and I let out a frightened squeak. I'm not too ashamed to admit that this isn't one of my most badass moments. It's not like I can actually squeak like a badass. Though who just busts their way into someones room, its just plain fucking rude.

  When I turn toward the door I freeze. Standing there, is the most handsome man I've ever laid eyes on. With his eyes as dark as coal, a beautiful heart shaped face and lovely plump kissable lips. Shit I think I'm actually drooling, I discreetly try to wipe the corners of my mouth as I watch him straightening after needing to slouch to fit through the door. They really don't make men like this hunky sundae anymore. Fuck, get back on track Lilith he's a complete stranger who almost took your door off the hinges and you're sitting here ogling him, thinking about all the things he could do to you in this bed. These aren't the thoughts of a sane woman. Get it together girl!

  "Are you okay, have you hurt anything?" My jaw drops at hearing the most sinfully delicious deep, husky voice coming from this gorgeous man. Now that's what I call a panty melting voice! I would gladly let him whisper sweet nothings in my ear. All. Night. Long. He quirks his eyebrow at me and I realize that I've been sitting here staring and I haven't answered his question. I clear my throat feeling like my face is on fire. That's right Lilith, make yourself look like a complete idiot in front of the sexiest man you've ever met. I'm seriously letting the side down with this one. Do you really blame though, why are all of my dad’s friends so fucking hot?

  "I'm fine thanks. Umm, who are you?" He gives me a small smile that's more like a smirk and my heart stops. Oh, that looks good on him! Seriously this man is my own personal wet dream come to life. Now all I need is for him to take his shirt off and I'll be one happy lady.

  "I'm Taehyung but you, kitten, can call me Tae. Lucien said he told you I was coming over. I'm one of your father's friends that he mentioned earlier." Oh yes... did he really just call me kitten and did I just find it a turn on. Damn straight on both fronts. You can call me that anytime sir.

  "Oh, it's lovely to meet you. I'm sorry I can't get up and greet you properly but it seems my body doesn't want to cooperate with me at the moment."

  I nervously laugh and discreetly try to straighten my clothes. Hearing him chuckle at my antics and I l
ook up at him embarrassed. Yeah I know you’re super hot and I'm little miss plain Jane, there's no need to rub it in.

  "That's quite all right kitten, you've been through a lot tonight so it's understandable. Lucien told me that you've experienced your awakening rather quickly which is why you're in so much pain. Usually it takes a few months to fully awaken. Your circumstances are rather unusual, but don't worry kitten we will figure this all out and help you through everything."

  I give him a weak smile and I can feel a huge weight lift off my shoulders. I don't know this man but just being around him makes me feel better. I know I should be more wary, he's a complete stranger after all but instead I strangely feel completely safe. Well, safe and extremely turned on but you won't find this bitch complaining. Not one little bit.

  "Thank you, it seems I’ll be needing all the help I can get right now. This is still so new and confusing. I don't understand how this is even possible, but I suppose a lot of things about my life are starting to make sense now."

  I look away from him and lose myself in my head. Is this why my mother hated me so much? Does she know the truth about what I am and what my dad was? If she did then maybe this is why she hates me. The woman is one vicious S.O.B and there isn't any love lost there. She was always so cruel and she wasn't the only one, just look at what that sleazebag Justin did to me. Is everything that has happened to me just a punishment because of what I am? I can feel the scowl on my face and I know following thoughts like these will lead me down a dangerous path but I can't seem to stop myself. Give a girl a break, I'm allowed to wallow in self pity when my whole life has turned to total shit in a matter of hours. Startled from my thoughts, I realize that Tae has been speaking to me.

  "-lith, kitten are you alright? You look like you have something on your mind." There's plenty on my mind but it’s not as if I would tell some random guy I only just met. Plus Mr.Perfect would never understand what my life has been like.

  "Y-Yeah I'm fine, just tired. I think I need to lie down and rest more. You and Lucien are both welcome to stay the night, I'm sure there are plenty of spare rooms if you would like to use one."

  He looks at me skeptically but nods his head anyway. "Alright kitten, just shout for either of us if you need anything. We will be right downstairs in the sitting room."

  With one more look back at me he turns and walks out the room, closing the door behind him. I listen closely for both of their footsteps to fade away and once I can no longer hear them I break down. I try to wipe away my silent tears but it's no use, they just won't stop. My whole life has been a lie and all of the bad shit that has happened to me, well now I know how much I really deserved it. Slowly I move around to sit at the edge of the bed and ease myself up onto my feet. Trying to stay silent. I make my way over to the bathroom, being as careful as I can so I don't end up on my arse again, that would be just my luck.

  I close the door behind me and lock it. Leaning against the door, I feel like my whole world is falling apart and it's all my fault. I know there's only one thing that can stop me from feeling this way so I push off from the door and make my way over to the sink. Opening the medicine cabinet door I find what I'm looking for. There right in front of me is a razor. I know I shouldn't do this but I don't know anything else. Taking the razor in my hand I turn around and sit on the toilet. I take a few deep breaths and place the razer against the skin of my thighs and begin to slice into my skin. One cut, two cuts, three cuts and more. I just keep going until I've lost count and I can feel the blood dripping down my legs. It doesn't matter though, as already the cuts are healing. Feeling even more frustrated I make the cuts deeper and deeper until I start to feel light headed. Thankfully I start to feel a calm wash over me. It's always the same when I cut, it's like all those feelings that are bubbling under the surface are finally set free.

  I slide down till I'm on the floor and crawl over to sit against the bathtub. I can feel my usual morbid fascination that comes along with inflicting pain on myself and I look down at the razor in my hand. If I heal so fast then does it really matter what I do to myself? It'll heal anyway. It's not like I don't deserve the pain, I'm a disgusting freak. Who really cares what I do to myself? No one gives a fuck about me anyway. With all these thoughts swirling around in my head, I cut as deep as I can from wrist to the hollow of my elbow on both arms. Then I begin to hack away at my thighs again until I can't even lift my arms from blood loss. My arms drop to my sides leaving me to sit in a small pool of my own blood. I can feel the cuts slowly knitting back together and finally I feel better, like I've purged all the bad things away with my blood letting. My head rolls to the side and I can feel my eyes drooping.

  Finally a smile comes over my face and I feel free.

  Lilith

  I sit there drifting in and out of consciousness when suddenly the door comes flying inwards, Tae and Lucien come barrelling in. I smile up at them until I notice the anger on their faces. Then I proceed to flinch and curl in on myself putting my head on my knees.

  "What the fuck is going on in here!? I knew I smelled blood! I thought someone was hurting you!"

  Tae screams at me and I can hear him walking towards me as he does. How can I tell him it was the only thing that could help me. He would never understand my messed up mind. His footsteps stop and then I feel a hand on my shoulder. No! I try to move from under his touch. He shouldn't touch me. I don't deserve kindness from him or anyone else.

  "Look at me kitten....please. Why did you hurt yourself like this?" He says to me in a much kinder tone. I lift my head and look into his eyes. Everything starts to look blurry as I feel the tears making another appearance. I cover my face with my hands and feel my body shaking with my sobs.

  "I deserve to be in pain, everything is all my fault. I'm a disgusting freak, no wonder everyone I care about either treats me like dirt or leaves me." He takes my hand in his and I can see him struggling with what I've just said. He looks like he’s in pain but I can't fathom why. As if this man could ever care about me.

  "I don't know a lot about what's happened to you but believe me when I tell you this. You do not deserve to be in pain, and you sure as hell don't deserve bad things to happen to you. There's a major misconception when it comes to angels and demons, being that all angels are good and all demons are bad. Even though the truth of the matter is that just like humans we have choices that make us who we are. Some demons can be the kindest creatures you'll ever meet. Yes, it's in our nature to be mischievous but we aren't inherently bad creatures. On the other hand some angels can be vicious and cruel. You aren't bad because of what you are, you're still you, you just have more answers about what you are now."

  He cups my cheek and I press my face into his hand. What is it about this man that makes me feel so much better? His presence is like a balm over all of the hurt. It's like I have these dark clouds around me and being around him is like the sun coming out. Everything about him is comforting to me and I feel like I can really rely on him. I look into his eyes and nod my understanding.

  "I-I'm sorry, I just don't know anything else but pain. It's hard to change that, but I promise I'll try to do better. You said you smelled my blood? How did you smell anything, weren't you downstairs?"

  He gives me a small smile and scratches the back of his head. "Well, how much do you know about different species of demons?"

  "Umm, I know a little bit but not a lot. I know there are imps, Incubi and Succubi but I don't really know of any other species besides those." He nods at me and rubs his chin in while thinking.

  "Yes, those are a couple of species. Basically most supernatural creatures you've heard of are either angels or demons. Mostly what are considered "benevolent" beings fall into the angel category while so called "malevolent" beings fall into the demon category. Although those are both terms humans use to describe us. As I said before, our natures aren't quite the way they're described in literature. For instance, I'm a wolf shifter. We live very long lives and most of our senses
are heightened. Although we don't usually prance around in forests and glorify nature. We're very dominant creatures who fight for our positions. So as you'll learn some things you would have heard about my kind are true but not everything will be. So to answer your original question, with my heightened wolf senses I was able to scent the blood."

  I stare at him awestruck. I can't believe it. With all the reading I've done over the years, I never once thought that shifters would be considered demons. They have always been described as kinder supernatural creatures from what I've read. This is all so crazy, I wonder what type of demon I am? I guess there's only one way to find out...

  "So I guess the big question is, if my father is the Prince of Lust what type of demon does that make me?" Tae and Lucien exchange a strange look and then turn back to me.

  "You see, your father was an Incubus and usually that would make you a Succubus but with you being a half breed we don't actually know what you are. There's a strong chance that you're a Succubus but your magick is giving off a slightly different vibe than a Succubus would. My brother, Gale may be able to give you more answers than I can. Hopefully you'll get to meet him very soon, we didn't want to overwhelm you with too many new people that's why only I came over."

  I nod my head at him and try to process what he has just told me. Not only am I a half breed who fits into neither world but we also don't even know what species I am, as if my situation wasn't bad enough already. I sigh and try to stand up, but due to the blood loss I fall back onto my arse again. This is starting to become a pattern, making a fool of myself in front of the hottest men I've ever met. I'm startled when Tae scoops me up into his arm, placing me on the counter beside the sink.