Searching For Who I Am: Book 1 (The Searching Trilogy)

by Paige Orr

  “I’m so sorry sweetheart! If I had just been honest with you none of this bullshit would have happened. You have to understand that I never meant to hurt you. I was just so scared that you wouldn’t want me, and the truth of me being your mate as well would be a burden to you. If I knew this would be the result of keeping the truth from you, I never would have done it. Can you ever forgive me?”

  I lay my hand on his cheek bringing his lips to mine, giving him a quick peck before I pull back. “I already forgave you Lucien. I’ve had a lot of time to think here and I understand why you would think I couldn’t handle the truth. Right now, I’m just glad to have the chance to fix things between us. I always felt a connection with you, so now it makes more sense. Please don’t blame yourself, the only person who is at fault is now laying there dead, and thank fuck for that.” He nods his head with hope in his eyes, and I give him a soft smile.

  “You’re right sweetheart, I just needed to tell you the truth. It’s the only thing I've thought about since the moment you walked away. I couldn’t help but blame myself, knowing you were out here somewhere in pain. We've all been going out of our minds with worry. Even Gemma, she beat a vampire with his own arm, that’s how determined she was to find you.”

  A laugh bubbles up from my stomach, as I imagine Gem standing over a big bad vamp, beating him with his own arm. My best friend really is fucking amazing! Anyone else would have been shitting themselves being confronted with a supernatural being, but not her. She really is the strongest person I know. I love that she would go to the ends of the earth for me. I would definitely do the same for her.

  As I hear the screams dying down behind me, I turn to find the hounds sitting on their haunches, looking up at me. When they see they have my attention, they flatten themselves to the floor before rolling onto their sides, and baring their throats to me. I may not know much about the supernatural world but I do know that wolves bare their throat as a sign of submission, which is the highest form of respect they can show you. A gasp passes my lips as I watch these regal creatures showing me such respect, and tears begin to stream down my face.

  Tunrida whispers the words that I must speak and I repeat them out loud for my companions.. “Rise my noble friends, the deed you carried out on my behalf will not be forgotten, I thank you for all of your assistance. You may return now to your homes and families till the day we need each other again.”

  With that, one by one they begin to blink out of existence, and I look around at the mess left behind. Turning to my men I say, “Please, get me out of this shithole. I need a fucking burger and a bottle of wine. This place has left a bad taste in my fucking mouth.”

  The guys look at each other for an answer, and Tae finally speaks up. “I wish we could leave right this fucking second kitten, but we can’t leave all of this evidence around for humans to find. We have to protect our people, and it seems you and your little friends made quite the mess.” I survey my surroundings, only now fully taking in the carnage that surrounds us.the whole place looks like a fucking bloodbath with ash thrown in just for the hell of it.

  As they begin to argue on how to handle the mess, I raise my arms calling my hellfire and watch as it begins to eat through the blood and ash, leaving everything else untouched. I make sure that the flames don’t creep too close to us, causing the guys to look at me with wide eyed wonder, as a grin covers my face.

  “Take me home! I’ve got a best friend to stop from burning the city down to get to me. Plus I really have to have a word with her about her interrogation techniques. Even I gave all these arseholes a chance at defending themselves. They just didn’t deserve to live, even after their defense!”

  They all look at me, and I watch the tension drain from their shoulders. Gale skips towards me, booping my nose with his usual goofy grin in place. “You’re so fucking cute when you’re all vengeful babygirl. You don't have to worry anymore, Michael is dead and we're together. Who cares if your friend's new favorite pastime is vampire baseball.”

  I swat him on the arm, and he skips back out of my reach just in time before I can slap his head. “Ha ha, very fucking funny arsehole. Who the fuck was Michael, I never learned any of these fuckers names... To be fair I also didn’t want to learn a bunch of lowlives’ names, not after the things I know they were involved in.”

  They all look at me in shock, before exchanging wary glances and it's Demetrius who steps towards me. “Michael was the clan leader princess, the one who took you. I'm surprised he didn’t mention his name to you. It turns out that this was a dark secret society that broke away from the main vampire clan. You were right to kill them, they were all really bad people, who did a lot of bad things.”

  I nod at him in a daze. “Alright, we better get out of here before my flames end up out of control. I’m not at my strongest right now, and I don’t really understand how they work yet.” With that we turn, leaving the house of horrors behind us, hopefully for good.

  Gale

  2 Hours Later

  Finally we're all home and our girl is safe again. I don’t really know what to do with myself, so I just stand in her doorway watching as she rests. When she came home she was so quiet, it really scared us all. We can’t even imagine what kind of shit she went through, but it’s breaking our hearts knowing she could have been hurt by that bastard.

  That monster could have done anything, and we're all too chicken shit to ask her what went down. We don’t want to make her relive it all but even as I think this, I watch as she begins to whimper in her sleep curling into a little ball. It’s pretty clear she’s already reliving it, and god knows how long that shit will go on.

  I quietly walk to her bedside, crouching down, stroking her hair back from her sweaty forehead. She startles from her sleep and looks around in fear, causing my heart to break all over again. “Shh, you're okay babygirl. It’s just me. You’re home, he can’t hurt you any longer. We’re all here, and we’re not going anywhere, just rest now. You need to recuperate.”

  She grabs me, pulling me into her arms as she silently sobs, I cradle her in my arms trying to soothe the hurt even a little. This strong woman is falling apart in my arms, and I don’t know what I can do to take the pain away. I nudge her over, sliding into the bed beside her and just hold her to me. I may not be able to take the pain away, but I sure as fuck ain’t going to leave her to deal with it on her own. The guys and I will be with her through every step of overcoming this, we aren’t going anywhere. We have to help her understand that she isn’t alone, and if that means holding her through all her nightmares, then that’s exactly what we will do.

  Finally she drifts back to sleep and I stare at her face, even with the bags under her eyes and the pain etched in her features. She's still the most beautiful woman that I have ever seen. I drift away to these thoughts, glad to finally have her in my arms.

  Early the next morning, I leave to find the others. Finding them all in the living room, I can tell just like me they’ve barely slept a wink. Tae turns to me, with a sigh of exhaustion. “How did she sleep? Was there any trouble?” I sit down beside him, leaning my head back against the sofa, before I answer him with my own sigh.

  “She had a really restless night, lots of nightmares. I think it’s going to be a while before she can work through all this enough to have a peaceful night sleep. We can get her through this though. That’s what we’re here for. What is it humans say again, for better or worse, through sickness and in health.”

  The guys take in what I've said and we all get lost in our own thoughts, we're still sitting there like that, when our girl comes down the stairs. Straight away, she walks over to D, sitting in his lap. It may be something small, but that one action gives us the hope that she can come back from this. Tae turns to her and his expression becomes serious. “Kitten, I know that you probably don’t want to talk about what happened, but it would really help us if you explained everything, so that if you experience a flashback from your ordeal we will understand wh
at caused it, so we can avoid repeating the same mistake in future.”

  She nods her head without meeting our eyes and begins to recount what she went through. “Well, you all know that I was angry with Lucien. So, I stormed out of the house. I didn’t have anywhere in mind to go, so I just kept walking. Michael grabbed me from behind, and before I could scream he injected me in the neck with something.”

  We all watch, as she reaches up rubbing the side of her neck as if she can still feel it. “When I woke up, it was so dark around me and I was on my own, confused about where I was. That didn’t last longer than a couple of hours though. When he came to my room, he had a knife and was going on about how I was made for him. I remember trying to just disengage from everything that was going on, so I got lost in my head, he didn’t like that though. When I was brought out of my head, it was to a blade in my chest and patches of skin flayed from my body. The sick fucker even drew shit on me in my own blood.”

  We're all stunned, yet we know that this is only the beginning. “I eventually passed out, and the next time I woke up he put a blind fold on me. From then on it was mostly mind games. Throwing shit at the wall beside me, scraping things along the floor. Worst of all though, he and his guards killed an innocent girl right beside me. They even left her rotting corpse in the room and for days, and they just left me there with her. No food no water, just the stench of decaying flesh. When he eventually came back I woke up to him wrapped around me.”

  The tears stream down her face accompanied by hiccuping sobs, as Tae gets to his feet, pacing around the room. “I told him that I would never give myself to him, so he placed the dead body on top of me. When he threw it away, he ripped the blindfold from my head. Eventually Tunrida took over for me, to deal with them all. I wish I would have just accepted her sooner!”

  We all freeze, who the fuck is Tunrida? “Kitten...can you tell us who Tunrida is please?” She looks to Tae when he asks this in confusion. “She’s my demon. Isn’t that how it is for all of you? She's the only reason we got out of there.”

  We all share a loaded look, for one we have never heard of someone’s demon being a seperate part of them. Two, we’ve all heard the name Tunrida before, she was a very ancient demoness. No one has heard anything about her in centuries though. I think of how to explain this to her when Gemma comes running downstairs.

  “Oh my god bitch, you’re fucking home. These fuckers were supposed to wake me. Now get that sexy arse over here and give me some lovin’!” Lilith leaps to her feet rushing to Gemma, picking her up in a tight hug. The rest of us have big grins on our faces, it’s good to see her so excited about anything. After everything we just heard it really shows how strong she is to be able to act so normal.

  What really worries me, is what Tunrida has to do with Lilith.

  Lilith

  The Next Day

  I wake with a start, looking for my tormentor before realising I’m in my room safe at home. I’ve tried to be strong for the others and put on a brave face. It's so hard though when all I really want is to take time to heal, I know they're all worried for me, I see them watching me all the fucking time when all I want is for them to treat me normally. I don’t want to keep reliving what happened to me, I do that enough in my dreams.

  Deciding that today will be a good fucking day, I get ready slipping into some booty shorts and a cropped jumper. Heading downstairs, I bypass the other rooms and head out the back door. Taking a deep breath of fresh air, I feel a smile covering my face. This right here is exactly what I needed, to feel free. I feel a presence behind me as arms wrap around my waist. “Good morning babygirl, you should have said you were awake. I was thinking that we could all have a barbeque, just a day to enjoy being outside. No thinking about everything else, how does that sound?”

  I turn in his arms hooking my arms around his neck. “That sounds exactly like what I need. Thank you babe, it’s perfect.” Gale gives me a goofy grin, and I pull his lips to mine getting lost in the feel of his warmth surrounding me. I really could get lost in these guys forever, they're a perfect balm to all of my pain.

  He pulls me in closer pressing his hard body against mine, deepening the kiss, causing a small moan to pass my lips. This boy is seriously one of the best kissers I’ve ever had. While we're lost to each other, someone clears their throat behind us, and I pull away with a blush. Turning I find Tae smirking at us, and I avert my eyes, feeling like my whole face is on fire. “Well kitten, it looks like I got here at the perfect time. Do I get one of those kisses too?”

  I turned to him in shock, I thought that seeing me with the others may cause some jealousy with him being so dominant. The fact that it doesn’t, causes butterflies to spring up in my stomach. I shyly walk towards him, unable to meet his hot gaze and he grabs me by the waist, slamming his lips down on mine.

  I go up on my tiptoes, making it easier for him to deepen the kiss, and as I do I feel Gale press up behind me. I never thought that I could find it so hot being with more than one man, but this shit has my panties near melting right off me. I feel Gale’s lips against my neck and my knees begin to buckle as my body turns to jelly. Tae’s grip tightens around my waist and Gale moves in closer, grinding his growing bulge into my ass, sandwiching me between their bodies.

  Groaning, I push back against him, as he runs his hands up my sides with a featherlight touch. Tae pulls back, tilting my head to the side as he gets to work kissing down the opposite side of my neck. Seeing his chance Gale captures my lips in a searing kiss, and all brain functionality is totally gone. We only stop when Gemma comes to find me and we hear her shock and mock annoyance. “Oh my lord girl! As much as I know you're a lucky bitch there is really no need to rub it in!”

  I laugh breathlessly as I pull out from between the guys. Walking over to Gem, I nudge her shoulder with mine. “Hey bitch, you up for some barbeque? Cause Gale here promised me one, and you know how much I fucking love barbeque.” She throws her head back in laughter. “Hell fucking yeah I’m up for barbeque girl. Who is doing the cooking?” I shrug pulling her with me to the living room. I don’t care who is cooking, I just care that we're all together.

  We sit down on the couch, as all of the guys gather around us and we get to planning our little shindig. As we're all sitting there chatting, the front door bell rings and Sam jumps to his feet to answer it. We're all laughing together, when he walks back in with a stunned look on his face. Before I got the chance to ask what's wrong. The last person I ever wanted to see walks in behind him. The whole world seems to fade away as she's the only thing I can focus on.

  How the fuck did she find me? No one I know would ever tell her where I am, not after everything she has done to me. I feel Gem jumping to her feet, but at the malicious smile I see in front of me I’m frozen like the scared little girl I used to be. Finally the woman opens her mouth, clearing up any misunderstandings. “Hello daughter, how lovely it is to see you again. I see you still haven’t lost that weight...I tried to tell you growing up that no one can love you while you look like that!”

  I begin to shake as the familiar anger begins to take over, I feel Tunrida trying to push forward but I hold her back, in a cold and detached voice I ask. “What are you doing here Sarah? You know I don’t want anything to do with you. If it’s money you're looking for to feed your filthy little habits then you can leave now. I wouldn’t give you the steam off my shit!”

  She laughs and the sound truly grates on my nerves. I’ve listened to it enough as she would torment me growing up. “Well my dear offspring, I thought since you finally know the truth of who your father is; It’s only fitting to know the truth of who I am. You see, standing before you is none other than the Archangel Gabriel's daughter. You're half angel!”

  Unknown

  I peek through the gap in the floor of the attic, watching as my little honey sleeps. I’ve been watching her tossing and turning all night, I understand why she’s so disturbed. It's not every day that you learn you are a demon-angel
hybrid, but none of that will really matter when I finally introduce myself. Since she’s moved into the house, I’ve been watching her and those blasted males. Little do they know that she doesn't belong to them, they can't even keep her safe for fucks sake. I will though, no one will dare touch her once she’s in my possession.

  I slowly slide the knife that is gripped in my palm along the brittle wood, until it’s positioned at the crack, wedging it into space and gouging away some of the wood until it is wider. One of those pathetic males lays beside her and I feel the anger burning inside me. That should be me holding her in my arms, not a fucking Kitsune, such a filthy lot they are. Satan should have wiped the clans out when he had the chance. He always was a fool though.

  Slowly she turns burrowing into that little pricks side and I feel my grip on the knife tightening until the point that a part of the handle snaps making me flinch, dropping the knife and nicking my finger. I let out a low hiss as I bring the bloodied digit to my mouth, sucking the wound clean and spitting the contaminated blood to the floor. Luckily for me, I'm immune to the poison my blade has been dipped in, I don't want to have any accidents before I get the chance to lodge the blade into those fuckers’ hearts.

  That idiot Asmodeus should have never kept me locked up in here. The stupid bastard forgot me as time wore on, but now that the lock has rusted it won't be long until I'm finally free. Then those that claim to be her mates won't know what hit them. I'm looking forward to the day that I can finally teach them that they are no match for me. I roll onto my back away from my spy hole turning towards the sound of small claws approaching me.

  Finally, a small rat comes into view and begins to transform in front of me to a young boy. "What took you so long Winston? You know I've long been forgotten. Without you, I would shrivel and die. You did remember my food and water, didn't you boy? You wouldn’t leave me alone to rot, not after everything I’ve done for your family!?" He timidly nods his head as he pulls a satchel bag from the gap in the wall, lowering it to the floor. He scurries forward with it tightly gripped on his grubby little hands, placing it at my feet before making a hasty retreat.