Good Morning Heartache

by Audrey Dacey

  Sweat beaded along Alexis’s hairline and Sam was beginning to slow. She had been jogging for thirty minutes and now realized that she had jogged to the other side of town and was approaching the town limits. Damn, now she had to backtrack the three and a half miles with a tired dog and a pounding heart. She slowed to a steady walk.

  Love, she thought. If Alexis hadn’t known better, she would think her sister was an idiot. Falling in love at seventeen was like saying you were going to hold on to an ice cream cone and save it for later in the middle of August. It was downright messy. Love. It could get the best and brightest of them, but one thing was guaranteed: it would chew them up and spit them out. The longer someone thought they were in love the more it would hurt when they realized the lie. As far as she could tell there was no way of falling in love without getting your heart broken.

  Sam tugged at the leash as Alexis heard the crunch of gravel and the clap of a hammer thrusting a nail into a piece of wood. She looked up at the mailbox. The white background had “Fitzgerald” stenciled in green paint with decorative shamrocks bordering the surname. Caitlyn's work to be sure. Her friend probably had the workers put it up while she was on vacation.

  She twisted her mouth around a few times contemplating her options. It would be a good place to stop, at least Sam thought so. Alexis didn't want to push it with Ryan, and she felt like showing up in the middle of the day on a Tuesday, when she had spent almost the entire long weekend exclusively with him, was pushing it. She had already crossed a line by sleeping with him again, and while she regretted it at first, it seemed more and more like the right thing to do. He was leaving soon, really soon, and she might as well enjoy him while she had the chance. Because—by God—he was enjoyable.

  It was a long driveway, and she didn't want to add more distance between her and home, especially if Ryan was in work mode. Realistically if he was going to be of any use to her, she needed him relaxed. That was the only way she would be able to talk to him. Scratch that. She may use that as an excuse, but if she was going to be real with herself, she wanted nothing more than to lick his stomach and chew on his neck. She wanted him hovering over her, panting as heavily as she had been just a few moments ago.

  Without thinking about it any further, she let Sam drag her up the driveway.

  As they walked the curve of the driveway, her dreams of riding him into the sunset were quieted. There were a half dozen trucks parked at the end of the driveway, and several men walking along the newly constructed roof. It was like a dream come true, and the thought of sex didn't completely disappear from her head. Alexis felt like a kid in a candy store, but this kid knew exactly what kind of candy she wanted and doubted that anything else would satisfy her sweet tooth.

  Sam tugged harder on the leash and was soon demanding entry into his home. The inside door was open, leaving the storm door as the only barrier. After swinging the door open, which was difficult because the big dog was in her way, she unhooked his leash, and Sam headed downstairs to his favorite chair, ignoring the commotion coming from the top floor.

  Alexis slowly ascended the stairs. She was unsure of how this was going to go, but she was pretty sure Ryan wouldn't be thrilled to see her. She got about halfway up the stairs when she heard a deep, grainy voice. She stopped and listened for a moment.

  “Didn’t you say that you were starting to like it here?”

  Then a voice that she recognized as Ryan's retorted, “I did, but not that much, Daniel.”

  “I still want you to consider it.”

  “It's been considered. I've put in too many years, and I don’t think I can just abandon that.”

  Alexis continued her climb up the final stairs in the half flight, and then turned the corner. She lifted her right hand up in a meek “hello” and the man she assumed was Daniel gave her a wide grin. Shortly after, Ryan whipped his head around to see who had entered the room. He wasn't as hospitable as the man he was arguing with.

  “What are you doing here?” he demanded. Alexis felt her breath escape her, and she knew that she shouldn't have listened to that damn dog.

  Daniel pushed past him and reached out a hand and introduced himself. She reciprocated the gesture. He was a gruff man who wore forty well. He was dressed in a t-shirt and jeans and had a friendly demeanor. “Ignore my friend,” he mocked a whisper to her, but it was pretty obvious that he wanted Ryan to hear him. “I've put him a mood that is worse than usual. I fear I’ve brought up a topic that he’d rather not talk about.”

  Ryan, in contrast to the man that claimed to be his friend, did not have a friendly demeanor. He had rolled up the sleeves of his maroon dress shirt, and a shiny deep blue tie was tucked in the gap between two buttons.

  “It's not important, and I obviously came at a bad time.” Then she used the same “whisper” Daniel used and said, “It's never really a good time when he's working.”

  Daniel let out a rumbling laugh. “You'd be lucky to catch him when he's not working. So now's as good a time as any. I'm going to go check on the guys.” He looked her up and down, and then he turned to Ryan and said, “You be nice to her. And do some more considering. The area appears to be real nice to me.”

  They stood quietly as Daniel walked down the hallway and out of sight. Alexis almost wished he stayed. He was good at cutting the tension. She was about to turn and leave when Ryan stormed toward her. He grabbed her by the wrist and tugged her down the hallway and into the first bedroom on the right, slamming the door behind them.

  His eyes tore into her asking silently, “What's so important?”

  Alexis gave a timid smile back at him. “How are you?”

  “You've got to be kidding me,” he said still gripping her wrist tightly.

  “I'm not really sure why I came. I knew it was a bad idea, but I just followed the dog. I won't let it happen again,” she promised.

  Ryan dropped her wrist, and she moved to leave the room. His tall, hard body stepped in front of her, and she ran right into him. She looked up into his blue eyes, which seemed to be on fire, and before she could say anything, his tongue was thrusting deep into her mouth. The kiss pulled the breath out of her, and his passion burned her lips. His hands grabbed the back of her hips and pulled her tight against his growing erection. Her arms wrapped around his neck, and the weight of his body pushed her backward until her thighs were pressed hard against the edge of the bed. She sat back, and the whoosh of the bed made her jump. Alexis’s eyes shot open.

  “A waterbed?” she questioned through a kiss.

  He answered her with the press of his body against hers. “It’s not mine.”

  His lips littered the curve of her neck with soft, moist kisses, and it sent a tingle running through her entire body and back again. Desire swelled inside of her, and she pushed back against him with the arch of her body. She couldn’t get enough of him, and she hungrily ran her hands along the length of his back while his fingers worked their way to the bottom edge of her tank top and lifted it over her head in one smooth motion.

  They moved with the rocking motion of the mattress, and she jerked on the knot of his tie, pulling it until it draped around his neck. He ran a hand up her stomach and under her bra to her breast where he teased her nipple between two fingers. She tried to moan, but he pushed his mouth against hers and let out a slow, soft “shhhhh.”

  The heat between her thighs poured through her body, and without realizing it she was fumbling with the buttons on his shirt and then pushing it over his shoulders desperately, like she needed him. It was more than a desire. She needed a fix.

  She lifted her hips as he yanked at her shorts and panties, but as the waistband touched her knees, there was a hard knock on the door.

  “Ryan, you in there?” asked the gruff voice.

  Alexis grabbed her shorts and pulled them back up her waist, and then scrambled, as best as she could, off the sloshing mattress.

  Ryan sighed as he stood up. Then he called back. “Give me a minute.”
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br />   “Just meet me down the hall. I have a question about the design of the bathroom.”

  Alexis felt like a teenager who was just caught with a boy in her room, and her cheeks, if they weren’t already flushed by the promise of sex, would have turned red.

  Ryan sat on the hard edge of the bed, threw his tie on the mattress, and buttoned his shirt. “Can you give me a few minutes? I doubt this will take long.”

  “I should go,” she said as she grabbed her tank top.

  “Just a minute,” he leaned clumsily on the bed and softly kissed her lips.

  Finally she agreed with a nod of her head, but she knew she should go. This felt different to her, like it was more than just sex. Her desire for him wasn’t only touching her loins, but was also pulling at the edges of her heart. Now it felt like sickness. Running away was the only thing she knew to do.

  She slipped the tank top back over her head and fixed the mess that had been a pony tail. What was she thinking coming here? She was breaking all of her rules for this guy, and it was just going to hurt him in the end.

  She rushed out the bedroom door without looking to see if anyone was in the hall. Some people talked about a walk of shame, and it wasn’t until that day that she knew what they were talking about. There could have been twenty people in the hall or nobody. Alexis didn’t know, but she still felt like she did something wrong.

  Alexis took the stairs two at a time as she called for Sam, but when she reached the door, his familiar, deep voice called after her, “Where are you going?”

  She turned and looked into those glacier blue eyes that called her back to his arms and back to his bed, but she grounded her feet and kept herself from moving. “I need to go.”

  He slowly walked down the stairs and stood next to her on the landing. “Now? Why? What happened?”

  “I don’t know, Ryan. I have reasons for the things I do, and you’re making me forget all of those reasons.”

  Ryan reached down and grabbed her hand. “Could it be that you actually care about me?”

  “I like you, Ryan, but…” she trailed off.

  “But what?” he probed.

  But there was no but. “I shouldn’t be here with you. It’s against the rules. My rules.”

  “Maybe the rules don’t apply in this situation.” He kissed her forehead, then one cheek, followed by the other. “Maybe we’re different.” Gently, he put his lips to hers for just a moment.

  Alexis’s chest ached, her eyes burned, and she felt like she was going to suffocate.

  “We can’t be different. Everyone is the same.”

  “And if I fall in love with you? What then? Does the world end?”

  Alexis stepped away from him and toward the door. Grabbing the leash, she called for Sam and then turned to Ryan, whose eyes had turned cold and sad. The dog circled around her knees, and she quickly latched the leash to his collar. After opening the door and letting Sam out, she turned and looked back at the stoic figure whose hands were stuffed in his pockets. “Don’t love me,” she pleaded. “I can’t be loved.”

  §

  After watching her disappear down the driveway through the glass storm door, Ryan turned and went back up the stairs. He walked straight ahead and surveyed the work that had been done in the kitchen. The room was a little more than twice its original size now, and Ryan suddenly felt small.

  He’d just been toying with the idea of trying to coax her into something more substantial than meals and sex. He’d thought her showing up in the middle of the day was a good sign. And then he blurted out that he might fall in love with her.

  This room was done, and it wouldn’t take too much longer for the other room to be finished. He’d be gone soon. But for a moment back there in Caitlyn and Michael’s guest room, he wondered what it would be like to live in this town with her around. Now it was out of the question.

  Ryan went to the guest room and looked at the envelope containing his letter of resignation. Daniel was pressuring him to move out here, saying that he had no reason to stay in New York. Ryan didn’t have a life there outside of work, and his work life could be better.

  He tore the letter in two and threw it into the wire wastebasket. Daniel entered the room a moment later.

  “What’d she want?”

  “Just saying hi.” Ryan answered monotonously.

  Daniel looked his over Ryan. “And you lost your tie in that hi?”

  “It was uncomfortable.”

  Daniel looked at him suspiciously but didn’t say anything more on the topic. “The realtor found a space for offices. I think that you should come with me after work and check it out.”

  Ryan shook his head. “There may be no reason for me to stay in New York, but there’s no reason for me to move here either.”

  “You know that’s not true. There’s…”

  Ryan cut him off. “It’s not going to happen, so drop it.”

  There was a silence for a few moments. Through it both men were trying to break the other, and it was Daniel who spoke first. “So are you going to tell me who punched you in the face?”

  Ryan gave him a half smile. “Maybe some other time.”

  Chapter 14

  Alexis looked into the eyes of a man she had completely wrapped around her finger. He was tall with dark eyes and a pointed chin. She sipped on her daiquiri as he talked about fighting in the war in Afghanistan. Phillip was everything she should want: young, handsome, a great conversationalist, and completely won over by her. She didn’t know his last name; he didn’t know hers. It was a position she was too familiar with, and one that she didn’t particularly want to be in at the moment.

  She looked at her drink. It was sweet and strong and her seventh. She didn’t like it all that much, and she knew that she should stop. Everything about this bar, the night, and Phillip was right, except for the drink and the sinking feeling that she didn’t want to do the thing she was best at—a casual encounter.

  Instead of listening to the eloquent dialogue that Phillip was attempting to exchange with her, she thought of Ryan. More often than not, her response to Phillip was a questioning “what?” but he didn’t seem to mind carrying on the conversation without her.

  A slurp signaled that her drink was gone, and before she could say no another was placed in front of her. What’s one more? Maybe it would convince her that she was doing the right thing. That she was doing Ryan a favor.

  He broke the rules; he was the one that took it too far. She could feel it in his kiss and see it in his eyes.

  And if I fall in love with you? What then? Does the world end?

  She mulled the words over in her head probably a thousand times. She hoped she hadn’t hurt him. Or maybe it was best that she had. Maybe this nightmare could be over. The world wouldn’t end, but it would suddenly be an illusion. He needed the reality check she gave him. It was for his benefit.

  Now she had to get herself back on track. She had to admit that he threw her off a little bit. It wasn’t the one night stand she had promised. He’d made her a liar, and she had to bring a little bit of raw truth to her life. That was Phillip’s job. But she didn’t want Phillip. She liked being around Ryan and wished he were the one sitting in front of her right now. If she went through with her plan to bed Phillip, she’d be lying to herself. It wouldn’t make her feel better.

  She swirled the daiquiri and took a big sip through her straw, finishing it off. She set the glass down and rubbed her head that now ached from brain freeze.

  “You okay?” Phillip put a hand on her arm.

  Alexis looked up at him, “What? I mean… I drank my drink too fast. It’ll go away in a minute.”

  “Do you want me to get you a cup of coffee? I’ve heard that hot beverages will stop brain freeze.” His eyes stared sweetly back into hers. Despite all his adventures as a soldier (that she hadn’t paid very close attention to), he was a genuinely sweet guy. He didn’t deserve a girl like Alexis using him in an attempt to prove a point to herself.r />
  “No. I think I’m just going to go home.” Alexis slid off the barstool and steadied herself on her red stilettos, but the moment she did the room began spinning and she wavered.

  Phillip grabbed her by both arms, keeping her from spilling onto the floor. She tried to give him an appreciative smile, but she wasn’t successful. Her head was floating on the energy of the bar, and she couldn’t even see Phillip’s pointed chin very clearly.

  “I don’t think you should drive.”

  Alexis was sure she smiled this time. “I wouldn’t dare. Do you mind asking the bartender to call a cab for me? I need to hit the restroom.”

  “Should I send a chaperone with you?”

  “No. I’m good.” He let go of her arms; she faltered and he grabbed her again. “It’s okay. If I fall, I’ll crawl.”

  She turned away from him and slowly made her way to the restroom. When the door closed behind her, it was like she shut out the world. The music was dulled to a hum, and she was alone. She stood in front of the mirror. She looked about as good as she felt. Her mascara was beginning to run, her hair was falling out of her ponytail, and her face was a blank page.

  “Don’t you dare puke,” she commanded herself. The scorching burr began to rise from her stomach. She swallowed and tears formed in her eyes. “Don’t,” she begged, but it didn’t matter. She ran to a stall and made a little peace with her stomach.

  When she was done, she gurgled some water, rinsed her face, attempted a fix to her hair, and left. Phillip was waiting for her when she returned to the unbearably loud room.

  “Your cab is here.” He offered her a bent arm; she took it without hesitation. They walked silently to the cab, and Phillip helped her get settled in the backseat of the car.

  “I’m sorry this didn’t work out the way you’d probably hoped.”