The Earl of Heartbreak

by Bethany M. Sefchick

  In general, Rayne was not an introspective man. He was not given to fits of madness or deep thoughts. He liked books and learning. He liked discovering new things about ancient cultures. What he did not like was discovering new things about himself. He was a simple man, at least from his perspective.

  However Lansdale's comments had disturbed him in ways he had not anticipated. He did not care for that. Nor did he care for the idea that one day Sarah might be the man's marchioness. Even if that was what would be best for her. Even if Rayne himself could never have her.

  Still, he began to wonder if he had to accept that what he wanted, what she wanted and what was best for all of them were so very different things that it was time for him to back away. Rayne had tasted Sarah. It was not enough, but it was a taste. In the dark of night as he lay alone in his bed, that was what he had prayed for all these long years - just a taste. Now that he had enjoyed that taste, perhaps it was time to let her go. For Sarah deserved more than the life of a spinster, and Rayne feared that if he was standing in her way, she would never have more than that.

  Now he did regret what they had done together last night. Very much. For if she did not choose Lansdale, it was unlikely that any man would have her now that she was no longer an innocent. That was all Rayne's fault. And the guilt he felt nearly swallowed him whole.

  Chapter Fifteen

  For the last several days, Rayne had been in something of a mood and frankly, Sarah was tiring of it - quickly. She had not expected the day after their night together to be all hearts and roses. She was far too pragmatic for that, after all. However she had expected that he would say something about their night together in the summerhouse. He had hinted that evening that he wished to bed her again and she was more than willing. However Rayne had yet to even broach the subject with her again. It was as if, despite his claims that he would never tire of her, he had done just that.

  Yet it was more than just his lack of interest where she was concerned. It was his mood as a whole. Rayne was usually a fairly cheerful individual. It was one of the traits that made him so popular with the ladies. The morning after he had returned from his ride out to meet with Lord Lansdale, however, he had been morose and sullen. Not at all like his usually history-spouting, cheerful self.

  He was also not seeking her out as frequently as he had for walks around Hallowby's grounds or trips into the village or even to visit the tenants. Instead, he was usually finishing breakfast by the time Sarah came downstairs - no matter what time of the morning that was - and then gone for the better part of the day on "estate matters." He would often return around noon and then lock himself in Frost's study for the remainder of the day.

  Rayne also had also taken to ignoring both Toffee and Taffy, which was highly unusual. Despite his repeated claims that the cats were an annoyance and great, useless creatures, he had been showering them with attention as of late, including holding one or both of them on his lap for lengthy petting sessions each evening. The two cats had come to adore Rayne as much as Sarah did, and they were quite put out now that he was ignoring them, often meowing pitifully outside of the firmly closed study doors. On occasion, he might open the door long enough for one of them to dart inside, but not often.

  It was yet another reason she was furious with Rayne and his odd, rude behavior as of late.

  Sarah wished to point out that he was not the master of Hallowby, but when she finally worked herself up into enough of a temper to do so, she found that Rayne was usually on his way to seek her out anyway. He would request her approval on one thing or another, likely a matter that she did not know had required attention in the first place. She could not fault him for that and often times, by the time he wandered off once more, her temper had cooled and she was only furious at herself for not confronting him.

  Not to mention that these were all tasks an estate steward should be handling. She knew that. However Mr. Murphy, the old land steward for Hallowby, had passed away in the spring and Frost had not yet bothered to replace him. He had been far too wrapped up in his new life with Lavinia. So while Sarah was grateful to Rayne for undertaking the burden of seeing to everything that had been let go in recent months, she was also still rather cross with him. Then he would do something thoughtful, like come to her for approval on a project, such as the major overhaul of the estate's drainage and irrigation systems and she would inevitably forgive him. For it meant the world to her that he thought her capable enough of understanding his plans and determining if the necessary funds to complete them were available. Not to mention whether or not his proposals were in Hallowby's best interests.

  It was a sign of his trust in her. It was also a sign of his friendship.

  But Sarah wanted more.

  Having been given a small taste of passion, she craved more. She had assumed that Rayne would be willing to grant her request for additional seductions after that first, magical night. She had been wrong, it seemed, and she had no idea why.

  Now, as evening rapidly approached, Sarah could hear Rayne moving about in her brother's study. He had been locked in there all day, even refusing to take dinner with her in the rose parlor, which had become their evening dining area when it was just the two of them about the house. That, finally, was what had angered her to the point where she was now standing in front of the closed door, ready to knock. He was avoiding her. She had given him everything she could, her body and her soul. Not to mention her heart. Now, he no longer seemed to want them. He didn't want her. And she thought she at least deserved an explanation. Even if it was not a particularly good one.

  Expelling a deep breath, Sarah raised her hand and knocked in the same rapid fashion that Wilson normally did. Sarah typically rattled the doors and then pounded on them, demanding to be let in. It wasn't ladylike but over the last few days, it had been a way to snare Rayne's attention. It hadn't worked very well, however, so now, she had decided that a bit of trickery was in order.

  "Come." Rayne sounded weary and she heard him shuffle across the carpet to undo the lock, both Toffee and Taffy, who had been waiting patiently outside the door, darting inside the moment there was a space wide enough for them. Not that they probably couldn't have undone the doors on their own. It was only a single lock and they were clever cats. It was also a lock that was likely so old that it hadn't been used in decades. The Tillsbury family didn't keep each other out - including the cats. Rayne, however, clearly believed otherwise.

  Grasping the doorknobs firmly in her hand, Sarah waited for the shuffles on the carpet to fade before she fully swung the set of double doors inward and stalked inside the room as if she owned it. Which she did. Sort of.

  Like Frost's study and library back in London, this room was rather masculine in tone, done in dark colors with forest green draperies and soft leather chairs. The hearth was dark, but it too had a very male feel, with nearly black fieldstones surrounding it. The wood paneled walls were kept polished to a high gleam, as was the massive and ancient desk that dominated the center of the room. And there, behind her brother's desk, was Rayne.

  He looked...haggard. There was no better way to describe him than that. His hair was mussed and it was finally growing out enough that the ends were beginning to curl the way they usually did. His spectacles were perched on the end of his nose and he squinted through them as he looked at some notations on old, weather worn parchment. Time for a new pair, she suspected, though he would never admit it. He wasn't too keen on admitting that he even needed the spectacles to read in the first place.

  Still, Sarah rather liked the way they made him look. He looked scholarly, like the boy she had fallen in love with so long ago and not the man who bedded numerous women that he had grown into.

  "Yes, Wilson," Rayne asked, his voice betraying his tiredness. "Has she retired for the evening so that I might come out of hiding?"

  "She is right here in front of you, you bloody idiot." There was no question in Sarah's mind that she was the woman he was referring to with th
at comment. "And I'll thank you not to have my own staff spy on me."

  Rayne's head snapped up at her words. He forgot to remove his glasses so his eyes were magnified and in their amber depths, she saw raw, deep pain. But why? What had gone so wrong between them? Did he regret what they had done? For she did not.

  "Sarah." He sounded as if he might cast up his accounts. "You should not be here."

  Instead of backing away as she might have in the past, she marched deeper into the room and crossed her arms over her chest. "Why? This is my home, is it not?"

  "It is." He finally plucked his glasses from his nose and she was sad to see that his eyes no longer sparkled as they had beneath the lenses. To his credit, he did reach down to scratch both of the cats pawing at his legs. They did so love ear scratches. "Do you need something, Sarah?"

  "I do." She would not back down from this. She had spent a lifetime lusting after this man. Now that she had finally experienced a night in his arms, she would not allow him to play the Earl of Heartbreak with her. With other women, yes. But not her.

  He rose, sending Toffee and Taffy skittering out the door in a flurry of white fur. "Please." He gestured to the chair he had just vacated. "Whatever you need. My apologies, my lady. I didn't mean to overstep. This is your house and I had no right. I was simply trying to help."

  Who was this man? This was not Rayne, certainly. This man was some pale imitation of the brash and in-charge man she knew. No, he would not play this game with her. They had known each other far too long for this and she was weary of this back and forth they played with each other. It ended now. Tonight.

  Stalking back to the double doors, Sarah slammed them closed and then locked them firmly behind her. If Rayne wanted out, he would have to get through her first. He might be bigger than she was, but she did pack a good wallop. At least she had when they were younger. She had no doubt she could do the same now if she so chose.

  "Enough of this," she snapped as she re-crossed her arms over her chest. It was then that she noticed that his eyes were drawn to her breasts. Ah. So not as disinterested as he pretended. He wasn't being so foolish as to think he needed to save her from himself was he? Somehow, she thought that might be the case. It would explain rather a lot. "What in the bloody hell is wrong with you, Rayne? You have been avoiding me for days. Since that night. And I wish to know why. I think you owe me that much at least." As a rule, Sarah did not swear but in this case, she hoped that her harsh words might shock a reaction out of him.

  With a sigh of what seemed like defeat, Rayne sank back down into the chair he had just left. "I ruined you."

  "I do not seem to recall me complaining." In fact, Sarah had done nothing but encourage him.

  "Be that as it may, it was still pointed out to me recently that I have doomed you to the life of a spinster, even though that was not my intention. As I cannot have you, there are now scant few others who would have you to wife and give you the sort of life you deserve. Though there is at least one." Rayne looked away, unable to meet her eyes.

  At that, Sarah's temper spiked. "Lansdale. You told him? Rayne, how could you?" She was screeching now but she did not care. "I did not think you the sort of man who would do such a despicable thing!"

  Of all the things she had said, that last bit seemed to be what spiked his temper. "I am not like that! You know me better than that! Or at least you once did!" Rayne was on his feet now and here, at last, was the man who had stormed into Hallowby and demanded that Sarah leave with him so that she would be safe from harm. It was nice to see him make a return after so many days away. "Lansdale suspects of course, as you might guess, but he does not know for certain! And he has offered for you in his own way!"

  "But I don't want him." Sarah stalked across the room, her breasts heaving. "Yes, I like the man, but he was a silly flirtation that first morning and nothing more. He is attractive, and I will grant you that I was physically attracted to him. I will not deny that. But that was before you, you mutton-headed idiot! That was before you took me to bed and when I thought that you did not want me! That you did not desire me! Now that I know for certain that you do desire me, and I know what it is like to be bedded by you, how could you possibly think that I would choose Lansdale over you?"

  "Because you should!" Rayne slammed his hands down on the desk. "Because Frost will approve of a marriage to Lansdale and we both know he would never approve of you marring me!"

  Sarah reeled at Rayne's words. "Marry you?" However she could not think of the consequences of those words just now. There was a more pressing matter to deal with.

  "Yes!" he snapped, coming around to the front of the desk. "Do you think it has been easy for me staying away from you, Sarah? For I can assure you that it has not! It has all but killed me, but I have done what was necessary."

  "For who?" she challenged, stepping closer to him. What she desired most was within grasping distance. So close. But not there yet. Soon, though. "For you? Because this is certainly not what is best for me! And I am the only one to judge what is best for me. Not you and certainly not my idiot brother!"

  Rayne growled. "For both of us, damn it!" He didn't care if he offended Sarah with his swearing. Perhaps it was for the best. "The other night, I didn't protect you! I took your innocence and then I spilled inside you! I could have gotten you with child! Perhaps even now you are carrying my heir! We cannot know for certain one way or the other. Not yet anyway."

  Sarah held up a staying hand in front of her. "I do not think..."

  He spun around then, running a hand though his hair and not hearing her at all. "And I know better! Of all the women I have been with, I have made certain to take precautions so that would not occur, for no woman should be forced to bear my bastard. Most of all, I should have protected you from the same worry because you mean more to me than all of those women together ever could. But I did not! Because you, my darling, dear Sarah, make me lose control! I cannot think straight when I am with you! So yes, I did this for you. I stayed away from you for your own sake, because if left to my own devices? Then I am a selfish enough bastard to have you again and pray that I might get a child on you so that I might be able to keep you by my side. So that your brother would have to allow us to marry!"

  Rayne was shaking now, the fury and anger and fear racing through him, but Sarah didn't care. She had the answers she sought. She knew why Rayne had been acting so strangely. It wasn't because he didn't desire her any longer but rather because he wanted her too much. Because she made him loose control. Which was perfect because he did the same to her.

  Emboldened now, Sarah swayed her hips seductively as she sauntered towards Rayne where he leaned back against the desk, his anger now spent. He still clutched his spectacles in his left hand, as if they were a lifeline to sanity. He looked weary in that moment, and she wondered if it was the result of a lifetime of denial. The sense of tiredness that had plagued her as of late had been caused by that very thing. She understood that now. For after that night with Rayne, she had felt freer than she had in a very long time.

  Rayne made Sarah feel young and alive once more. The way he worshiped her body made her feel as if she was not an aging debutante but a fresh from the schoolroom miss again, even though that was something she would never be again.

  Lord Lansdale, while nice enough, did not make her feel that way. And he never would. If forced, she would wed him. It would be no hardship. But he was not the man she desired with all of her being. That man was standing right in front of her. And she meant to have him. Now. Tonight.

  "So you think you know what is best for me, Rayne?" Her voice was calm with no trace of her earlier anger.

  "I would like to think that I do." He closed his eyes as if looking at her hurt.

  "Well, you do not." At that, his eyes shot open but she continued on before he could speak. "What is best for me, now, is what will make me happy. I have spent my entire adult life doing and being what other people dictated. I was The One. I did not put a foot
wrong. Ever. I denied myself so much, including dancing with the one man I knew was forbidden to me. I denied myself you."

  He shook his head, clearly miserable. "You still should. We cannot exist outside of Hallowby."

  "That is a matter for discussion and debate later." Sarah knew, of course, of Frost's dictates where Rayne and his other friends were concerned. It was part of the reason why she had not pursued him in the past. "And if this moment out of time is all I can have? Then I want it, all of it. I want you, Rayne. And I am tired of being denied. I know the risks. I know what my brother would say. But I also know that I have spent a lifetime desiring you, even before I knew what desire meant." She shrugged. "Now? We have that chance. I asked you to seduce me and you did, but I find that it is not enough. I want more. Like you, I have discovered that I am a selfish creature."

  She could tell he was weakening. "But the consequences...."

  "Will be dealt with later." She reached out and stroked his cheek. "I know you feel guilty. I know you feel as if you have betrayed my brother and that you have hurt me somehow. You have not. Of that, I can assure you. I am also tired of you pretending to be something, or rather someone, you are not. This man who has roamed Hallowby for the last few days? That is not the Rayne I know and not the man I have come to care for so deeply. I want Brook back. Now, if you please."

  Over the last week, Rayne had felt his entire world upended, then put back to rights before being upended again. All because of Sarah. She would be the death of him. However, as she had correctly pointed out, he was a selfish creature and this stab at being noble and doing the right thing was killing him. He was not made for it. It was not who he was at his very core. He was made to be a rogue who took what he desired.

  And so he did.