The Me I Used to Be

by Jennifer Ryan

  She stepped back and stared up at him. “I appreciate that. I really do. I’m sorry I put you through . . . everything. It may not have seemed like it, but what I did was to minimize the impact of what happened on you and the family. Especially Mom.”

  He didn’t want to argue or make her feel bad about the choices she’d made and couldn’t change now. “I’m glad you’re home. We’ve got work to do, and I’m interested in your take on the ranch.”

  “Really?”

  Lindsey held her hand out toward the table. “Sit. I’ll get dinner. Evangeline, what will you have to drink?”

  “What kind of wine do you have?”

  “Rosé,” she suggested.

  “Perfect.” Evangeline winked.

  Charlie picked up Will and put him in his high chair, then took Henry from Lindsey and sat him on his lap at the table. Evangeline took her seat and stared at Lindsey in the kitchen pulling the baking dish from the oven and sliding in the garlic bread to warm. “That smells amazing.”

  “Let’s hope it tastes as good as it smells.” Lindsey set the baking dish on the table, went to the fridge, and handed Charlie a beer and the bottle of wine and the corkscrew.

  Then she grabbed the salad from the counter and pulled out the fragrant garlic bread from the warm oven.

  Charlie relaxed and let the amazing smells and the company ease him. He loved having his family at the table, and that included his sister.

  Maybe he should have invited Joey, but he’d wanted this chance to talk to Evangeline without Joey adding his two cents and tossing out options that were not well thought out and cost more money than they had to burn.

  Lindsey served the lasagna while Evangeline passed out the garlic bread. She gave Will his piece by stuffing it into his open mouth and making him laugh.

  Everyone was hungry and dug into the meal with enthusiasm.

  “God, Lindsey, this is amazing. I see why Charlie married you. I’ve missed home-cooked meals.”

  Charlie swallowed his smart-ass remark about how she wouldn’t have missed anything if she’d only . . . Whatever. It couldn’t be changed, and looking back didn’t allow them to move forward, so he let it go. “What have you been up to the last few days? Besides avoiding me and the conversation we need to have about the ranch.” He grinned to let her know he was half teasing.

  “I’ve been working on setting up my business. I used the money from Dad to buy a computer, a new phone, order business cards, and enhance the website I put together while I was in . . .” She glanced down at Will. “Away.” She took another bite of lasagna and chewed, a thoughtful look coming into her eyes. “Chris actually found me a job. I’m working with the owner of the bowling alley, revamping their system, setting up an online presence so customers can book the lanes or set up a party, and creating a database for their food and drink orders and inventory. Stuff like that.”

  Charlie leaned on his forearms on the table. “Why is Chris helping you?”

  “He knows the owner. I guess they spoke about what the bowling alley needed and he knew I could do the job. Plus, it’s a break for me. I gave the owner a discount in exchange for her letting me use her as an example for future clients. So Chris did us both a favor.”

  “Why is he doing you favors and keeping such close tabs on you?”

  “It’s not what you think.” With that, she went back to eating and didn’t offer any further explanation.

  She’d kept them all in the dark before she got arrested.

  He didn’t like her evasiveness now. Whatever Chris wanted from her, he’d already reeled her in to helping him. “Evangeline, if you need help getting out of whatever Chris wants you to get involved in . . .”

  Evangeline shook her head and changed the subject. “About the contract . . .”

  He didn’t like the way she dismissed him and the situation Chris put her in, but if she didn’t want his help, at least she knew he was willing to step in on her behalf.

  Time for him to make his case. “Lindsey and I have plans for our future. They depend on me being able to support this family. Working with Warley allows me do that with relative certainty that I’ll have a steady income for years to come. It ensures the ranch won’t have to be sold.”

  “What they offer is fair, but I wonder if they could do better.” Evangeline held his gaze. “The ranch needs some repairs and upgrades that exceed the amount they’re willing to invest. In order to produce and earn the highest profits awarded in the contract, that means we need to increase the cattle herd, which will in turn increase costs for us initially to sustain them.”

  The butterflies in Charlie’s gut settled down. He had feared she’d dismiss him outright on the contract or not take the offer seriously. The best option was for her to just trust his judgment and sign the damn thing. But maybe she had a point with her concerns. He’d thought of the very same things and knew that the initial costs would lessen profits and make it harder to reach the highest tier in the contract where they received the greatest benefits.

  It put the house he and Lindsey wanted to build out of reach for a few more years.

  But nothing was worth having if you didn’t work hard for it. Which made the rewards and victory sweeter.

  “I understand the cost involved in repairing and updating the ranch. We need to do it whether we sign the contract or not if we want to stay in business and expand the operation that has dwindled the last several years because Dad stepped back from the work.” His words made her head bow.

  “I’m not blaming you, Evangeline. I’m stating a fact. The reality is that if we sign the contract and work with Warley, we have a better chance of success. Yes, we put some of our money out initially, but we’re guaranteed income from the contract. If we go the way Joey wants to go and put the money into the ranch and something goes wrong, or we overextend ourselves and don’t get the return we need from the cattle, it’s over.” He sat back in his seat and looked from his wife to his son and back to Evangeline. “I’m a rancher, sis. It’s what I do. It’s in my blood. I see my life on that ranch. Lindsey and I want to build a home there, but we can’t without the money this contract will bring in over the next several years.”

  Lindsey set her fork down and looked Evangeline in the eye. “Charlie has been running that ranch almost entirely on his own for the last several years. He took care of your father when he couldn’t take care of himself and your mother simply couldn’t deal with him.” She held up her hand. “I’m not blaming you for his behavior. Yes, he took what happened to you hard, but when the reality of your situation became clear, he should have accepted it and taken care of the business and your family. Instead, he made things hard on everyone, most of all himself. The worse things got on the ranch, the deeper down that black hole he fell. No matter how many times Charlie and your mother reached out, he simply refused to take the hand offered to him. Charlie has shouldered the burden for a long time now. He knows the ranch and business inside and out. He believes this is the best option for everyone. Most of all, he needs this, Evangeline. He can’t do it all on his own. Joey works hard when he wants to and if he shows up, which most of the time he doesn’t, because he’s not dedicated to the place and its success the way Charlie is.” Lindsey placed her hand over his on the table, squeezed, and looked at him with all the love she had for him in her eyes.

  He appreciated her support so much that it made his chest ache with how much he loved her. She wanted to push and demand that Evangeline do what he wanted, but instead of making this a contentious mess, she pleaded his case and made Evangeline see what was at stake for them. And him. Because, though Lindsey skimmed over it, the fact of the matter was that he needed help and support and he hadn’t found it from his family, so he needed to go to an outside source.

  Lindsey turned back to Evangeline. “Charlie is the only one of you who has to think that every decision he makes affects me, his children, his mother, Joey, and you. That’s a lot of pressure. It’s a big responsibility. While
your father left the decision for the ranch to you, it falls on Charlie to carry it out. What he wants, what will affect him and our family, those things should weigh heavily into your decision. The hours he spends there are time away from me and his children. The money that goes into that ranch, the debt that accumulates, means less for us and more sacrifices we have to make. Those sacrifices affect our boys. We want to give them a great life.”

  “I want them to have that,” Evangeline assured Lindsey and Charlie. “I want you both to be happy. I haven’t made a decision. I wanted to hear Charlie’s take on the contract and also what he wants for the ranch.” She turned to him. “I know how hard you’ve worked and that the ranch is where you belong. I want you to have a house and the life we had growing up. And more for your boys. I know you want me to agree right now. I wish I could, but it’s only fair to give Joey a chance to tell me what his plan is if we keep the business private and go it on our own.”

  “Okay.”

  “Okay?” Lindsey looked at him like he’d lost his mind. “Joey doesn’t have a plan. All he wants to do is spend money, but he has no idea how to capitalize on the improvements and turn them into a profit.”

  Charlie squeezed her hand. “Evangeline wants to hear what he has to say and assess that and what the ranch needs. She’ll see what I see, that the only answer is going with Warley if we want the ranch to survive.” He held Evangeline’s gaze, silently letting her know all she was doing was putting off the inevitable.

  And if she didn’t come to that conclusion soon, he’d push. Because if she didn’t sign the contract, she’d find that maybe he wasn’t so willing to break his back working for everybody when he could go to work for someone else and support his family without worrying about the rest of them.

  He didn’t want to do that. He wanted to carry on and add to what his father had built. He wanted to see his boys take over for him one day.

  Maybe they’d work together a hell of a lot better than he and Joey did.

  Chapter Fifteen

  Evangeline walked out the kitchen door and headed for the stables. As promised to Charlie, she’d seek out Joey and give him a chance to plead his case for keeping the ranch in the family.

  She’d gone over the Warley contract again after getting home from dinner and ice-cream sundaes at Charlie’s place. Watching Will eat the fudge-covered vanilla ice cream and smearing it all down his chin had made her feel light and filled with joy. It had been a long time since she enjoyed something so simple and carefree. His giggles were infectious and she found herself laughing with him. Charlie tried to keep his parental hat on, but fell into laughter just like the rest of them.

  She loved seeing her big brother with his boys. It was clear he loved them dearly and would do anything for them. The way her brother looked at his wife . . . well, everyone should have that kind of adoring love.

  That thought sparked memories of her date with Chris and the kiss that surprised her in more ways than one. The intensity of it echoed through her. She couldn’t help thinking and dreaming about what it would feel like to give in to the need building inside of her to be in his arms.

  Chris understood what she’d done and why, that maybe her choices hadn’t been the best, but she’d done everything she could to protect her family. He thought she was strong and amazing because of it. While everyone else pushed her away, he wanted to be close to her.

  But of course she couldn’t respond to that. Because of this business with Darren, she couldn’t go anywhere near him.

  And she needed to take care of the ranch and her family.

  Everyone needed her to do something for them.

  She spotted her mother pulling weeds by the heirloom tomato plants. Mom sat back on her heels and threw a bundle of weeds down on the ground with way more force than necessary. Her head bent and her shoulders shook.

  Her mother always found solitude and solace in the garden.

  Not today.

  Evangeline didn’t want or need another scathing remark from her mom, but she couldn’t leave her mother crying into the basil.

  She walked up behind her mom and laid her hands on her shaking shoulders. “I’m so sorry, Mom. I miss him, too.”

  Mom wiped her eyes with the backs of her gloved hands and shook off Evangeline’s light hold. “I’m fine. Just leave me alone.”

  “You’re not alone, Mom. I’m sure it feels that way. You and Dad were together for more than thirty years. I can’t imagine how lonely it must feel without him now. Even the ranch feels different.”

  “And whose fault is that? Yours. You broke him!” Mom shot up to her feet and spun around to face her. “I tried to get him to come around, to talk about how he felt, but he wouldn’t open up to me. I lost him long before he died. I lost him when you went away.”

  “I’m sorry.” She wished she could make her mother understand, but nothing would make this right.

  “Sorry! What good is sorry when he’s gone?”

  She was right, because not even an apology from her father would have changed the four years she spent in prison. Which was why she didn’t want to hear it.

  “I wish I could bring him back. I wish I could make things right. But nothing I say or do will do either of those things.” Evangeline’s heart broke seeing her mom’s aching sadness. Every tear trickling down Mom’s cheek sliced at her soul. “I’ll start looking for another place as soon as possible.” She’d talk to her parole officer at the meeting they had set for Monday. Maybe Chris could help her find an appropriate place within the guidelines of her release. She couldn’t think about it right now, not when her mother’s grief and the thought of never being allowed to come back here dropped her heart right into her knotted stomach. “I’ve got work later. But first, I’m headed down to the stables to talk to Joey about the contract, then I’ll get on it.”

  Mom glanced at the house and around at the wide sweep of the property. “Maybe Joey is right. We should sell this place and just start over. There are too many memories here. Too many ghosts. Of your father. And the little girl I raised who I thought would never hurt anyone.” Mom ran for the door, tears streaming down her cheeks.

  Evangeline watched her go, holding back the words she wanted to scream.

  I’m not the one who hurt you.

  Chapter Sixteen

  Joey tossed the shovel into the wheelbarrow and stared at his sister walking toward him, her eyes filled with a thousand thoughts he couldn’t read. She was always in her head. Well, today she was going to listen to him. He was tired of Dad and Charlie ignoring his ideas. If they’d given him a chance—and a little credit for all his hard work—he could have shown them that he had what it takes to run this place and make it profitable again. Yes, his ideas required a little faith and a gambling heart, but the payoff was worth the risk.

  Charlie. Mr. Play-It-Safe. Well, safe sent their finances to the bottom of the barrel. Pretty soon they’d be in the hole.

  And where would that leave them? Desperate to sell the land or lose it in bankruptcy.

  “Did you finally decide to stop hiding from me?”

  Evangeline narrowed her eyes. “I was getting to you.”

  “I didn’t know you were in such high demand and couldn’t fit me into your busy schedule.”

  Sarcasm only made her eyes narrow to slits. “I spoke with Charlie last night about the contract. He wants to sign. He’s got a family to support—”

  “Yada yada yada.” Joey rolled his eyes. “He has bills to pay, dreams to make come true for Lindsey.”

  “He has a point,” she snapped. “Since Dad started neglecting this place, Charlie stepped up to run the operation.”

  “And what, I’ve been sitting on my ass doing nothing while this place lost three full-time employees, cattle prices dropped because everyone’s a vegan, and the drought dried up our land?”

  “I didn’t say that.”

  “You weren’t here. You don’t know what’s been going on or what I do around here.” />
  She held her hands out wide, then dropped them and slapped her thighs. “Enlighten me.”

  “What difference does it make now? You’re going to take Charlie’s side, when the right thing to do is keep this business in the family. Working with that corporate outfit, letting them profit off our hard work, that’s not building a legacy, that’s rolling over and saying, Go ahead and fuck me up the ass. If that’s our only option, I’d rather sell and move on.”

  She rolled her eyes. “You don’t mean that. This is our home.” Her voice softened, but his didn’t.

  “No, I don’t, but I also don’t want an outside manager coming in and telling me what to do on my own ranch. Maybe one of the wineries will buy it and cover it in money that grows on vines. Hell, if we’re that desperate for money, let’s just get your wine business up and running again.”

  “Shut up. You don’t know what the hell you’re talking about,” she warned, a deadly tone in her voice, the look in her eyes indicating how close she was to blowing her top.

  He didn’t care. “How long were you sneaking around behind all our backs?”

  Like always, she didn’t say a word about what happened. “I’ll tell Charlie we’re signing the contract.” She turned to leave.

  He grabbed her arm and spun her back around to face him. “The hell you will!” He’d be damned if she’d ignore him and what he wanted. “Charlie and I busted our asses working here, making the money to pay for you to go to college. And what the fuck were you doing to repay us for that? The only things you attended were frat parties and football games. You were a good student and threw it all away. You were supposed to be working here on the weekends. But you couldn’t even do that much to help out. Pretty princess, the baby, you never had to get your hands dirty. You got everything you ever wanted. You always did as you pleased and got away with it.”

  She stepped back like he’d struck her.

  He got in her face, because she needed to know that she wouldn’t get away with making this mess and not making it right. “You lined your pockets while we were paying out thousands for your school, stealing pricey wine and selling it for top dollar. People think because I act a little wild I lie, cheat, and steal, but no, that’s your thing!”