Toxic

by A. C. Bextor

  In a very swift and smart move, Hem grabs the back of Sadey’s jacket pulling her into him again. “Sugar, can you take a second and look to see Shame’s face? He’s about one more word out of your mouth away from that vein in his neck poppin’. Let’s let Mace handle this one, okay?”

  Sadey shrugs her shoulders as if she doesn’t have a care in the world now that she’s here in the house with us. Hell, she probably thinks we’re headed out in just a bit to make more snow angels.

  Christ All Mighty, give me patience with these fuckin’ girls.

  Resuming our prior conversation, apparently now that we are acutely aware that there’s another life that hangs in the balance in the form of a dog, I turn back to my little friend. “Mace, tell me, where’s Scotch now?”

  This shit just doesn’t get any better. Sadey pipes in, once again, freeing herself from Hem’s hold on her coat. Mace stands speechlessly and continues to let Sadey speak for the both of them.

  “Reindeer stay with the sleigh, Shame. Do you know anything about the story of Saint Christopher?” Her eyes are wide, her hands wave about the room expecting me to drop my anger and rejoice that Scotch, the reindeer, is currently outside in the ten degree ice and snow, protecting his sleigh because out of all of this, that’s what’s fuckin’ important.

  My eyes start to roll back in my head, and then I can feel the pounding start. “Fuck, Hem. The kid weighs only about a cent and you can’t hold her ass back while I figure out what the fuck to do here, man? A fuckin’ minute?”

  I’m about to lose my shit for the second time in ten minutes and thank fuck Hem notices because he’s tossed Sadey over his shoulder and he’s taking her back to Doc’s room. I’m counting on the idea that he’s about to plant her ass on the floor and turn on some damn television until I’m able to regain some sanity.

  “I’m sorry, Shame. I shouldn’t have come.”

  My little one looks defeated. I hate this look on her. I pull her into me again and she wraps her arms around my neck. I pick her up, take her to the bathroom, all the while lecturing her on what could have happened to her had Scotch not made it here or she got lost, or worse. I can’t dwell too long around the worst case scenario without wanting to punch a wall and that would just scare her away from me even more.

  Now that’s she’s cleaned up, I stand from her and take her into my side while walking in the bedroom to find I’m right. Hem has already situated Sadey on the floor by the bed as he lays in it enjoying the warmth.

  “Hem, I’m running the girls home. You stayin’ here, right?”

  “Fuck yeah I’m staying here. It’s cold out there.”

  Oh my God.

  Seriously, he is the stupidest person alive right now and he isn’t the one who thinks Scotch is a fuckin’ reindeer.

  I look to the girls who have just now started to thaw and see both of them are even smiling up at Hem and his stupidity. They get how fucked up his words are as they stand in front of him, still freezing, as his ass lays on a bed with a remote in his hand.

  Lazy fucker.

  “Come on, wasting time. I gotta explain to Mrs. Cash where her children have been.”

  “She’s gonna be mad, ya know.” Well thank you, Sadey, little miss obvious, ya think?

  We make our way to the car and I toss the ever chatty Sadey in the back knowing if I turn up the radio loud enough she won’t drive me completely crazy. Just to throw some salt in her imaginary wounds I toss the reindeer, Scotch, back there too. He’s wet and cold so when he shakes his body the ice flies all over Sadey.

  How do you like your reindeer now, missy?

  I know I shouldn’t, but damn I gotta laugh at this shit. This is the best birthday I’ve ever had and I can’t even tell them that without rewarding their ridiculous behavior.

  Mace sits beside me in the front seat still freezing and has yet to talk to me. She’s ignoring my attempts to get her out of her shell of sadness and humiliation. I’ve tried everything and I’m starting to get concerned.

  I’m about to pull the car over before we reach their street and as soon as I let up on the gas, Sadey bursts out in song.

  “You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me haaaaappy when the skies are gray.”

  Mace and I quickly look at each other, and within a half a second Mace is laughing out loud holding her stomach before she says. “At least it’s not all about Old McDonald anymore.”

  “True that.”

  Once we make it to her house, I see her mom in the window waiting for us to arrive. Guessing Hem got off his lazy ass and called her so I wasn’t taking the girls home to a panic stricken mother.

  Sadey gets out, runs frantically to the front door taking Scotch in the house with her. Lynda gives me a brief wave through the blinds so I know she and I are alright, girls not so much, but it will be fine in time.

  “Mace, don’t do something like that again, alright? You worried me.” The serious tone is back and I would love to scold her for her stupid decisions, but I can’t. Her decision to brave the wind and snow was based on the fact she loves me and wanted to surprise me on my birthday. I can’t remember a time when someone ever went through so much trouble just to tell me that. I’m not too much of a man to admit I’m touched.

  She opens the door without a word and before she closes it behind her, she turns to me, her breath is visible in the cold and I can see she’s hesitating.

  “What’s up, darlin’?”

  She stares at me for a second then mumbles as she looks to her icy feet. “Just wondering.”

  This should be good. “Wondering what? What are you wondering about now?”

  “Never mind, it’s nothing.”

  “Spill it, Mace. You got somethin’ on your mind then you need to tell me.”

  “I was just thinkin’. You know how Hem tells me how much he loves me all the time? Well, he always tells Sadey, too. You never do. Do you not?”

  Christ, it’s like having a conversation in riddles. “Do I not what, babe?”

  “Love us.”

  And now … fuck me. I figured it was only a matter of time before she caught on to that scenario.

  “Oh, my sweet Mace, that’s a story for another time. I love your wet drippy face though, so don’t you forget that.”

  She smiles wide and wipes her face with the sleeve of her fleece coat and wool gloves, then turns to run in the house to get warm, leaving her handprint on the window of my truck and her fingerprint etched to my heart.

  A story for another time … when she’s old enough to understand I will tell her, that to me, loving someone gives them an emotional weapon that is loaded at all times, waiting to strike you down at an unguarded and weak moment.

  ~~~~~

  I never had to explain anything to Mace about that story. She read me well and she knew enough, even at her young age, that talking about it would cause me pain so she lets it go for my sake. She always settled for me telling her how much I loved her face, even though it was her heart I loved most of all. I’m ashamed I never told her that when she was younger. I was a weak person all her young life. A weak, scared, used, and lonely person.

  Sadly, it wasn’t too long after that night, Scotch died. Sadey, in her usual crazy madness, gave the eulogy at his funeral and insisted he could beat Rudolph in a sleigh race any day.

  Chapter Eleven

  “The trigger gave; I felt the smooth underside of the butt; and there, in that noise, sharp and deafening at the same time, is where it all started. I shook off the sweat and the sun. I knew that I had shattered the harmony of the day, the exceptional silence of a beach where I'd been happy. Then I fired four more times at the motionless body where the bullets lodged without leaving a trace. And it was like knocking four quick times on the door of unhappiness.”

  -Albert Camus

  I’m aware enough to admit to myself that through all the bad memories I have good ones mixed in there somewhere. I believe that if I didn’t have Mace and Hem and even Sadey I
would’ve been dead or in jail long ago. They were why I left my parents in Florida and hoped to never see them again.

  Things don’t always go as we planned.

  Pulling up to the hotel on Grand Ave, I’m certain I can actually hear my father’s voice in my head.

  “You’re no good. You’ll never be any good.”

  “Fuck you, Dad. I may not be any good, but I’m breathin’ and you’re not. Tell me, how’s the heat in hell workin’ out for ya?”

  The night my parents found me at Peril was a life changer. I had never taken another human life. I had gotten in a few fights during my teenage years, but when boy’s battle with fists, the war is over and done. We move on the next day and forget it ever happened. My father never learned that passage - he held grudges for life.

  I always felt I would see them again, eventually, in the most unexpected place. Waiting was torture, but as I got older and adopted into Peril the waiting felt like more of a game. I wanted to be found – hell, I needed to be found.

  The hotel hasn’t changed. The same rundown, dingy and musty look still brags its exterior. It’s hard to believe it’s been thirteen years since I set foot on this property. My vengeance was done, the score was settled, but fuck if it didn’t leave a ghost of fear in its wake.

  By that time I was twenty two and legally allowed to drink wherever the hell I wanted, so it had lost its luster. The women were about to drive me insane with their constant need to throw themselves at me, literally removing their clothes and coming at me for a ride. Although I loved sex, at times, I tired of their shit.

  ~~~~~

  “Baby, we going upstairs soon? I have places to be…”

  “Then get there. Nothing for you here, sweetheart.”

  Nameless slut gasps at my answer and turns to leave.

  I’m in a mood. I get that way every so often. Doc accuses me of being depressed about a life unsettled. He says I’m using women as medication and when I don’t get enough I start to act out like a child.

  He’s probably right, but fuck him.

  Speak of the devil, here’s Doc now. “What’s up your ass, Shame? She’s got tits that would make any boy’s mouth water.”

  “Eh, not into it.”

  “We need to talk, son?”

  “Nope, I’m good.”

  “Well, you let me….”

  Before he finishes his what is assured to be a lecture, he turns his head to the door. He’s never met my parents, so he has no clue who’s standing at the front door as I turn to follow his eyes, but I do.

  Dear old Dad. Fuckin’ hell, the day has come. Thank you, dear God in heaven.

  Doc turns to me, puts a hand on my shoulder and commands me. “Stay put.”

  “No fuckin’ way, Doc. That’s my dad.”

  “See that, Shame. Stay fuckin’ put.”

  I guess he knew my dad after all.

  I glare at him as I mentally start counting down. He has exactly one minute to do what he has to do, so I can get off this fuckin’ bar stool and kill that son of a bitch standing at the door.

  My father sways as Doc tries talking to him. Not surprising, he’s drunk as hell. His voice raises and with the hiss of his last words, my hair stands on end, just like the old days.

  “Where’s my pussy of a boy, Neil?” My father sneers just inches away from Doc’s face.

  Not a good idea, Pop.

  Doc’s tone is lethal and anyone with brains knows that you don’t mess with a very pissed off MC President. “Step back or I won’t hesitate to give you to some fellas here.”

  My dad gets closer to Doc’s face, and puts his finger to his chest and pushes into it with force. Doc steps back, but Hercules, now known to all of us newbies as Tank, Doc’s VP, steps between them - not risking Doc’s safety for a second.

  Doc is sixty-one now. Grey hair and lots of it. Stone cold grey eyes and is still built like the Hulk. My dad is a complete dumbass to think he won’t die painfully at the hands of Doc if he continues to goad him the way he’s doing now.

  I stand up, ignoring Doc’s bark for me to remain seated, and walk to my father. I’m now a bit over six foot three and my body is menacing. I’m not bragging about it, I’ve just had years of anger that I channeled into making myself a weapon.

  “What the fuck you doin’ here, old man?”

  My dad comes inside the clubhouse, uninvited, and walks to me as he looks me up and down. “See you been doin’ well for yourself, son.”

  “Not your son anymore. What the fuck do you want?”

  Doc and Herc are standing beside me, and I feel Hem at my back waiting to join in this. He hates my dad, but not as much as I do.

  My dad’s face gentles. I can’t say I’ve ever seen that look before, but he does it in a way that sends chills up my spine. Something big is brewing.

  “Well, old man, out with it.”

  “Your mother, Neil. She wants to see you.”

  I feel myself pale. He’s pullin’ out the biggest weapon he has in that mental arsenal. He always knew my mom was soft on me when he wasn’t around, often times he would use it against us and beat her for it. I don’t love my mother; that emotion stopped for her when I was six, when the abuse really started.

  “Why?”

  He laughs in my face. “Why does she want to see you? No fuckin’ idea to be honest, but she does. She sent me here to retrieve your sorry ass, so are you gonna come say hi to her or not? We’re not back forever, just staying the rest of the night.”

  Doc moves in close and lifts his hand up to the back of my cut so he gains my attention. “This what you want, Shame? You want to see your mom? I can see your wheels turning, tell me.”

  “I don’t….”

  I’m cutoff mid-sentence by a fiery voice that to this day makes me shiver in fear, like the child I once was. “I’ve been looking for your ass for three fuckin’ days, you moron. I had to go to Switch, and he told me you were stowed up here in this outfit. Nice place you got here, by the way.”

  With his snarl, my decision is made. It’s possible my mother wants saved and if that is the case at all, I’m going to her, even to tell her I can’t help her just as she couldn’t help me all those miserable and wasted years of my life.

  I look to Doc, who still holds my vest in his hand. “I want this.”

  “Then let’s go.” Doc moves to start to grab his coat off the rail, but I catch his arm mid-motion.

  “No, I’m doing this alone. She’s my mother and this piece of shit is my father. This was before your time and I’m doing it alone.” I say this to him, looking him dead in the eye, so he knows I mean every word.

  He puts down his coat and sighs. “Fuck”, but he steps back, giving me the space I need.

  I hear Hem behind me muscling shit around, and when I turn to him he’s bundled up and ready to go. I won’t get him to back off, he’s seen too much with my parents to give me that small piece of going at this alone.

  He pats me on my shoulder right before plowing his huge frame against my dad, shoving him into the door jamb on his way out. Turning around he glares at me. “Well, brother, let’s go. What the fuck we waitin’ on?”

  I follow Hem out the door, my father following my footsteps as we go.

  “Mayhem Valley, on Grand. Room 326. You know where that’s at?”

  “Yes.” That’s all I muster before getting into the passenger side of Doc’s Ford F250 as Hem rounds the driver’s side.

  My father doesn’t offer another glance my way as he steps into his piece of shit car, starts it up and drives away.

  On the way to the hotel I ask Hem to stop. I can’t do this completely sober and I hadn’t had a drink before the family reunion. He agrees, so we stop just a street from where my mom is waiting for me.

  Once I’ve downed three shots of cheap tequila, Hem and I make our way to the sleazy motel. I brace, mentally kicking myself for agreeing to this. I haven’t seen my mom since the day I kept riding on my bike past them in Florida while
a man held her by her hair in my front yard and made her watch my dad take a final blow to his head before he was knocked out cold. I don’t know what happened to her after that, and now she wants to see me. The guilt eats deep - feasting on my insides.

  “Shame, you goin’ in? No one would blame you if you decide against it.”

  “Man, I have to. This needs to be finished. Stay here, in case I bring my mom out. I have no idea what state she’s in, but if she does happen to need my help, Hem, I’m not leavin’ her behind with him.”

  “Didn’t suspect for a moment that you would. I’ll be right out here.”

  Hopping out of the truck I see the room. The lights are on and the door is wide open. These motels are shabby, and if you look closely you can see inside anyone’s room. It isn’t until I get closer that I hear the familiar sounds of my mom being beaten as she’s begging for it to stop. Her voice is weak and shaky, just as I always remembered it being.

  I freeze mid-step and look back at Hem who, as promised, sits in the truck. The breath I’m breathing is visible under the street lights, the chill is seeping through my coat and into my bones. I had forgotten what it was like to feel helpless, but now I’m not.

  Hem studies me for a second and when I turn back around and walk towards the hotel, I don’t hear my mom anymore. I don’t hear anything but Hem rounding the street and coming at me full speed.

  “Shame, wait. Maybe this isn’t a…”

  “Neil! You fuckin’ dumbass, is that you?” My blood boils as he yells and refers to me as he once did – as the person I no longer am.

  Hem grabs the back of my coat, slowing my process, but I’m bigger and stronger, and with my adrenaline at max level he won’t stop me. When we enter the room, I see my dad standing near the kitchenette. I don’t see my mom anywhere, but I know she’s here – I just heard her.

  “Well, there he is. I knew you’d come callin’ just like a good boy. Sit. Can I get you anything? Tea? Coffee? Beer? Blow?” He’s sneering at me and even from where I’m standing I can see his spit flying out of his mouth, disgustingly.

  “Where’s mom? You wanted me here, and here I am. Where’s she at?”