Surviving

by Ahren Sanders

  For the first time in weeks, I smile. God, I love my sisters!

  Chapter 2

  Paris

  Raven

  Paris is a dream. I can’t wrap my head around the fact that I’ve been given this opportunity. When my dad set me up with his old friend Jack Michaels for a summer job, I had no idea this would be a vacation, too. I thought I’d be slaving my days away in an office and have my weekends to explore and regroup. When my dad told Jack about Finn’s interest in a position as well, Jack created two positions. Since there are two of us, our work days are lighter. Finn and I go into the office from nine to three every day and have every other Friday off.

  Jack arranged for us to stay on his property. We share his guest house and have our own bedroom and bathroom.

  Jack’s company is almost an exact replica of my dad’s security business. He doesn’t work much with the government on Special Forces Operations, but his security side was all inclusive. Since Finn has such a knack for tracing and hacking, he was put on a team looking into corporate corruption. I have no experience in anything security-wise, so I am assigned to an organizational team helping go through emails and website violations. It isn’t glamorous, but it isn’t awful either.

  Since I had such strong experience in social media, my first project was to research and determine if there was evidence of an affair going on between a CEO and member of his administrative staff. I worked closely with a private detective in the company. We were hired because the CEO’s wife suspected her husband was cheating on her, and she was pregnant. It took me three days, but I finally found a link. He was indeed having a relationship with one of the secretaries. There were several photographs taken of the middle-aged man and young blonde on his yacht. The pictures were tagged through her friends, so I had to go through several channels to get details. But, we were able to conclude they were in Monte Carlo a few weekends ago when he was supposed to be in London on business. Our private detective got the details of the party and located the photographer hired. We went through hundreds of pictures, but finally came up with six very compromising shots to deliver to the wife.

  It was a terrible situation, but Jack was pleased with my work. He set me up with similar assignments and pretty soon I was comfortable working the computer research alone.

  Finn and I take advantage of the free time we have. We have done some light sightseeing, but make plans to venture out this weekend.

  I try to keep my days and evenings filled up so my thoughts won’t linger on Declan. He has tried to contact me daily, but I have only returned a few messages and I never call him back. It is an easy excuse because of the time difference, but the truth is I’m scared. I miss him so much, and I regret my decision to keep my job location a secret. I’m a complete hypocrite. I told him I would fight for us and left him a goodbye note. I don’t regret my decision to leave, but I should have told him personally.

  The only thing that makes sense to me now is to give him this time with his band to build and succeed. I plan on calling him next week when he gets to South Carolina because I know he’ll have seen MJ by then.

  Our first three day weekend starts tomorrow, and I have planned each of our days. Finn has been incredible to me. He’s comforted me with the several breakdowns I’ve had and reminds me each day how special I am. We spend most of our time together, outside of work, unless we’re sleeping. He does as much as he can to keep my mind off things at home.

  Finn accepted an invitation up to Jack’s main house tonight to watch some sporting event, but I decline. I have several things to catch up on, and I need to call my parents.

  The first thing I do is log into Sayge’s Facebook page and perform my administrative duties. The only contact I’ve had with Jay in months was his plea to keep up the page. At first, I was shocked at his audacity but then after his fifth email explaining they hired Brent to upload photos and video, I sent him a one word reply, yes. So every few days I go into the system and accept friend request and record the likes. Jay emails me any updates to the tour schedule, and I change as needed. It’s a challenge in self-control because of all the pictures uploaded and tagged on a daily basis, but I refrain from reviewing the comments.

  The next thing I do is call my parents. I catch my mom and dad getting ready for a late lunch at his office. I fill them in on our lives and tell my dad again how grateful I am for this opportunity. We chit chat for a few minutes before my mom gets a serious tone.

  “Raven, I was serious about you calling Declan. Last time I saw him he was a mess. He explained some things to me you really need to hear.”

  “Mama, I need a little more time. I’ll call him next week.”

  “Okay, sweetie, we love you. Talk again soon. Give Finn our love.”

  The next call I make is to Kendall and Harper. I set a hard limit on fifteen minutes with them. If not my entire summer salary will be used to pay my phone bill. They told me Charlie was out tonight so I sent her a quick text that we could catch up later in the weekend.

  The last call I dread. Today is Ella’s twenty-first birthday. I dial her number and plan to leave a voice message when there isn’t an answer on the fourth ring. There’s a click and then his familiar voice. “Sparkle.”

  *****

  Finn

  I don’t want to leave her alone tonight, but she insists I go. She wants to make some calls, and I think she wants some privacy. I know she agreed to still keep up a portion of the Sayge media sites, and I fucking hate it. Declan text and calls her every day but so far she has been strong. It bothers me that she didn’t exactly call things off with him when she left Nashville. She’s not wearing his ring anymore, which thrills me, but she didn’t tell me she broke her engagement either. This is something I need to find out soon.

  Chapter 3

  You Are Everything To Me

  Raven

  “Declan?” My voice sounds soft and my heart’s racing. I look at my phone to ensure I called Ella’s number.

  “God I miss you. Your voice is like heaven to my ears. How are you?”

  “I’m okay. Work is good. I have some time this weekend to visit around Paris. How are you?”

  “I’ve been a hell of a lot better, but I don’t want to waste time. I need you to come home. Come home to me. I’m so fucking sorry for everything. I tried to tell you, but you had already gone. There are so many fucked up things that happened before and after you left, but I see clearly now. I can’t function without you.”

  “Don’t–just don’t. I can’t handle this.” My voice breaks. I try to quiet my sobs, but he hears them.

  “Don’t cry, beautiful. Please don’t cry. I love you so much; I can make this right again. I’ll come get you.”

  I know he’s serious. “Declan, don’t you dare. This is what you want. This is what you deserve! Sayge needs this and I won’t be a part of you screwing it up. All of this is for you and the guys. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you I was leaving, but you have to do what’s best now. We can talk when I get home.”

  “You don’t get home for six fucking weeks! I can’t handle that. I need you with me. I’m not surviving without you. There’s so much I need to tell you.”

  “Not now, Dec, I need this time. You almost broke me; I need this time to get my thoughts together about us. I need this break.”

  “Break! You need a fucking break? Is that why Finn is there?”

  Oh no, how does he know that Finn is with me? Not that I need to keep it a secret but he doesn’t need to worry about Finn and me right now. He needs to concentrate on this chance.

  “Listen, I didn’t know Finn was coming with me but he has been a rock when I’ve needed him. You need to understand I have a job here and can’t come home because you’ve changed your mind. You need this time, too, to determine where you want me in your life. I told you I wasn’t going to be waiting in the wings, I told you what I wanted, and you ignored me! Now take this time to decide where I fit. Six weeks Declan, a lot can happen with you in the
next six weeks, and I know that may mean I no longer have a place. I love you, but you shoved me aside so I did what I needed to do.”

  “You are everything to me; nothing is going to change that.”

  “Then we’ll see what happens in the next six weeks. I need to go. Please tell Ella happy birthday for me. I assume she’s with you this weekend.”

  “Please, don’t hang up.”

  “This is killing me, Dec. I wasn’t expecting you to answer, and my heart just broke over again. I’m not strong enough for this.”

  “Please don’t hang up on me–I love you so much.”

  “I’m not hanging up on you, I’m telling you goodbye. Please be safe and make the best of this opportunity.” I hang up and run to the bathroom to throw up.

  When I’m sure I’m done, I wash up and head back to bed. I decide to torture myself and pull up the YouTube videos of all Sayge’s shows the last two weeks. I fall asleep on a wet pillow from all my tears.

  *****

  Finn wakes me up early by bringing me a cup of coffee and two aspirin. I know he can tell I’ve been crying, but he doesn’t say anything. He tells me to be ready in an hour and dress for day and night. I look at him with suspicious eyes because I was the one who planned this weekend, but he laughs in my face and leaves the room.

  We have breakfast in a beautiful café located on Champs-Élysées. I enjoy the opportunity to people watch while Finn reads The New York Times on my iPad. When we’re finished with our meal, I snap a few pictures of nothing in particular.

  “Baby Girl, what are you taking pictures of?” Finn asks while I’m adjusting the settings.

  “Just making sure my camera’s ready. I have our itinerary in my bag.”

  “Trash it.”

  “Trash it?”

  “Yeah, new plan. I’m taking over today. There may be some things on your list that we hit today, but I’ve got a plan. Some of the places I heard of aren’t on the tourist guide.”

  “Finn Black! It states right here on the guide to be safe and stay away from unknown establishments.” I point to the print off in my hand.

  “Yes, but Jack’s not only our boss but also a local. He told me some places for us to go, and I trust him. Besides, I have some surprises up my sleeve for you.”

  He reaches for my hand and leads me down the street. We walk for a while, and he never lets go of my hand. This is unusual but oddly comforting. The first place we go is the Jardin des Tuileries. I’m in awe of the gorgeous gardens as I look around the breathtaking park. I snap a few pictures and Finn asks several people to take our pictures in front of the most popular statues and fountains. We stop by the kiosks and buy several trinkets. We visit the museums and take turns telling each other what the literature tells us about the paintings and history of the place. After about two hours, we find a place to sit and watch the people pass by.

  “Raven, you okay?” Finn asks.

  “Yeah, why do you ask?”

  “Did you cry last night?”

  I sigh. “I did something stupid last night. I talked to Declan.”

  “You finally answered his calls?”

  “No, I called Ella and he answered. We talked for a few minutes, and I broke down.” I tell him the whole story. Tears fill my eyes, and he scoots over and pulls me close to him.

  “RJ, you can’t torture yourself like this. Let’s talk about it. I’ve waited the last two weeks trying to give you the time you needed, but I think you should tell me what’s going on in your head.”

  “Can we not do this right now? We are in a beautiful garden surrounded by history. Let’s enjoy our day, please?”

  “Okay, I’ll let it go for now, but I need one answer. Are you still engaged?”

  “No, it doesn’t appear so.”

  *****

  Finn

  I’m not quite convinced of her answer, but I’ll take it. We’re not going to ruin our day by talking about fucking Declan Collins. I have her in the perfect place. I’m taking control of this day starting right now.

  “Come on, let’s go. I’ve got plans for us.” I take her hand again and lead her towards the side streets Jack told me about.

  We shop for hours in little stores until the sun starts to set, and I guide us back down Champs-Élysées to the Arc de Triomphe. I spot a quaint restaurant on a street corner and hear music pouring into the streets. Perfect.

  Luckily our waiter speaks a little English because our French is terrible. I order us a bottle of wine and what I think is a chicken dish. Raven giggles and my heart swells. Throughout the day, she has relaxed. She didn’t even flinch each time I’ve reached for her hand and held it tight.

  As we eat, she tells me about her parents and girlfriends back home. I’m glad to hear that Robbie has found somewhere to live. I got an email last week mentioning he thought he found a condo. Robbie has been nothing but supportive, but he also hasn’t asked any questions. We agreed before I left that our friendship would not be altered by my feelings for Raven. No matter what way this goes, we are brothers.

  When dinner is done we take the Metro back to the station closest to our house. Jack gave us one of his cars today, but I’m not familiar enough to drive around the city. So I opted to park at the station and take public transportation.

  Raven takes her packages to her room and looks at me with sadness.

  “What’s wrong, Baby Girl?”

  “I’m not ready for the day to end. I’ve had such a great time.”

  “What about a movie?”

  Her face lights up, and her smile hits me hard.

  “That’s perfect, let me change, and I’ll meet you in the living room. You can even pick.”

  “Deal.”

  I change into my pajama pants, intentionally leaving off my shirt. When I get back to the living room, she has set up pillows and a blanket with the TV already on. I sit next to her and pull her to my side. She lays her head on my chest, and there is no doubt she can hear my heart racing. I choose a murder mystery, staying away from any kind of chick flick. The last thing we need is a sappy fucking love story.

  Halfway through the movie her breathing evens out, and I can tell she’s asleep against me. There’s no fucking way I’m waking her, so I situate us on the couch where she can lie on top of me. Today was exactly what I needed.

  Chapter 4

  Paris Is Ours

  Raven

  “Finn, I’m very uncomfortable. Can I open my eyes?”

  “Almost, just keep leaning into me and let me guide you.”

  Finn tells me where to step and then stops us. I hear the people bustling by us but have no idea where we are.

  “Okay, RJ, open your eyes.”

  I slowly open my eyes and gasp in shock. Never in my life have I seen anything like it. We are standing in front of The Louvre Pyramid. The history, the significance, and the beauty hits me, and I throw myself at Finn. He catches me and smiles. The way his eyes dance send butterflies to my stomach. Whoa, what just happened? I’ve never gotten a tingling feeling before when Finn holds me. Even this morning when I woke up plastered to his chest, it felt normal.

  I step back, but he doesn’t let me go.

  “Come on, we have all day, but there’s a lot for us to see.” He tugs my hand and leads me through a crowd, and hands our tickets to the gate attendant. She checks my bag and hands us back the tickets. Finn explains he bought the Paris Museum Passes so we can visit the museums all over and not wait in line.

  I’m a little surprised that he is interested in visiting all the museums around the area until he explains he will get a lot of credit in a humanities class next semester.

  We spend the next four hours going floor by floor. Our visit to the Mona Lisa is brief mostly due to the amount of people in the area. I’m surprised how small the actual canvas is, but I still feel a sense of entitlement seeing such a famous and cherished piece of art.

  I drag Finn into several shops until he abandons me and sits at a restaurant nearby waiti
ng. While having lunch, I watch all the people passing and hope like hell I don’t look as touristy as them. I giggle to myself and Finn raises his eyebrows. I explain what I was thinking and he laughs with me.

  We agree to come back on our next Friday off in hopes the crowd will be lighter. When we exit, Finn hails a car and gives him an address in French I don’t recognize. We pull up to a shady park area filled with people. I loop my arm through his and let him lead the way through the trail. When we get to the center area there is a beautiful wall, or mural of sorts. I try to read what is says, but I don’t recognize most of the languages. Letting go of Finn’s arm, I walk up and try and find a language I recognize.

  “Isn’t it incredible?” he asks softly behind me. Even though there are people all around, it’s very quiet and intimate. Almost like everyone is respecting each other in front of this creation. I see several people kissing and holding one another and look away.

  “Yes, for some reason, it’s l like I’m in a trance right here, there’s so much passion. Do you feel it?”

  Finn stares at me with an intensity and wraps his arms around my waist. “Baby Girl, I feel it. This is Le Mur des Je t’aime, also known around the world as the Wall of I Love You’s. The words I love you are written more than a thousand times in three hundred languages.”

  “Wow, that’s beautiful.”

  “Almost as beautiful as you.” He pulls me closer and whispers against my lips. Instead of backing away, I melt into him.

  “Wha–”

  “I brought you here for a reason. I brought you here so I could tell you I love you. Not the ‘best friend’ kind of love, but the heart-aching, all-encompassing love.”

  “Wha–“

  “Shhh, let me finish. I know this is a surprise to you. Hell, it was a surprise to me. But when you went missing last February, I lost my shit. I didn’t know what I would do if anything happened to you. Then all that happened with Declan and I tried to stay away. But I figured I’d never know what could happen unless I tried. I love you, Ravenel James Hayes.”