Surviving

by Ahren Sanders

  Tears roll down my cheeks, and I’m trying to hold back the sob building in my chest. “I love you too, but I was engaged less than three weeks ago. I’m not sure–”

  “Raven, I’m aware of everything I have stacked against me. You are worth the fight. Give me a chance to prove to you that maybe I’m worthy of you.”

  “Worthy of me? You’re too good for me! You’re practically perfect. I’m broken.”

  “You’re beautiful, smart, kind, and caring. You don’t seem broken to me, but if you feel there are pieces cracked, let me fix them.” He runs his thumbs across my cheeks wiping the tears.

  He’s still holding me tight against him and my body reacts. I wrap my arms around his shoulders and stare into his beautiful blue eyes. They are full of emotion, and I know he’s waiting on me to say something. But instead I lift up and brush my lips against his. He returns the kiss softly not asking for more. When I part my lips, he slips his tongue through and finds mine instantly. He turns my head, so he can massage the back of my neck and kisses me with slow passion and sensitivity. Warmth fills me, and I deepen our embrace.

  I’m not sure how long we stand there kissing, but when we pull back he places light pecks around my mouth before looking into my eyes.

  People are still mulling around us like we don’t even exist. I gather my thoughts enough to step back and pull my camera out of my bag. I ask someone to take our picture and lean into him. After a few shots, I turn and walk to the wall to admire its beauty. Finn stands back and watches me with a grin on his face. My mind is racing with what just happened, but for some reason, I feel peace.

  We walk around the square some more until Finn tells me he has one more surprise for the day. Honestly? I’m not sure I can take another surprise. I’m still reeling from the ‘I love you’ declaration.

  We hop in another car, and I try to get him to tell me where we are going. He keeps saying I’ll see soon. A few minutes later I see the unmistakable iron tower in view.

  “We’re going to the Eiffel Tower?”

  “Yeah, Baby Girl, we’re going to try and make the sunset. I need to buy us some tickets to take the lift.”

  “Um, I’m not sure if that’s a good idea.” I get queasy.

  “I’ll be with you, it’ll be fine.”

  “But, Finn, that’s really high, I’m not sure–”

  “It’ll be fine, I promise. I’ll hold you the whole time.” He interrupts.

  We pull up in the front and he helps me out of the car. I take pictures while he buys our tickets. When he gets back, he tells me we have an hour before our scheduled time, so we walk around the tower. We walk the first two stories and admire the views of the city. When our time comes to take the lift, my stomach knots again. I’ve never been good with heights.

  True to his word, Finn holds me close. When we get to the top, the sun is setting. It is truly the most magnificent thing I have ever seen. The lights of the city glow below us as far as I can see. I lean back on Finn when he wraps his arms around my waist.

  “Raven, I know my timing sucks. I’m not stupid enough to think that Declan is going to disappear from your heart. But I’m going to show you what my love is. I’m going to be cautious enough for both of us. You’re fragile right now, and I’m first and foremost your friend. I’ll always be here for you. But I couldn’t go another day without telling you how I feel.

  “Your happiness is the most important. Even if it’s not with me. I want to take these next few weeks slow and see how it plays out. But no matter what, Paris is ours.”

  I turn in his arms and stare into his eyes, “I’m not sure what to say. You know Declan was my first everything. I’m not sure how to move forward.”

  “We’ll do it one day at a time. I’m never going to push you.”

  I reach up and pull his face down to mine. When our lips touch, I don’t feel the electricity I do with Declan, but I feel the passion. Finn lets me control the kiss but tightens his hold on me. When I pull back, he leans his forehead against mine while we catch our breaths.

  “Let’s go home.”

  I nod against him and let him lead the way. What the hell am I going to do?

  *****

  Finn

  I’m not sure what I expected, but I think the day went pretty well. She didn’t completely shut me down. I told her the truth; I know what I’m up against. Especially with Raven. Her loyalty knows no bounds. Her phone beeps in her room and know its Declan. He texts every day around the same time. I’ve never asked what his messages say, but I saw one and it seems his way of saying goodnight.

  I know Jenna told him I’m with Raven, I don’t think she knows about my motivation for the trip, but James does. The good thing about it is I do love the job. I enjoy working with Jack and the rest of the guys. He’s mentioned how pleased he is with my work and he’ll hate losing us both when we go home. If it was up to me, I would convince Raven we needed to stay in Paris longer but it’s not an option.

  Jimi told me Declan knows I’m in love with Raven. I didn’t question his reaction because I can imagine he’s pissed. If things work out for Raven and me, it’s going to be awkward at home for a while. Declan will always be around if she continues to live with Abbi and Ella. I haven’t figured out all the details, but if Raven gives me a chance, I will do everything in my power to prove to her that my love is forever.

  Chapter 5

  South Carolina

  Declan

  The next four nights we are playing venues in Charleston. Since we’re in the same city for so long, we get hotels rooms to get off the bus and have some space. Blake and I are sharing a room because he’s still seeing Charlie and with this type of freedom, who knows who Nate and Cooper will bring back to their room. The only problem with this arrangement is I have to talk to him. He tries hard to act like things are normal but the tension between us is still there.

  Our shows are going great. MJ Labels has signed us for a trial period and found a small studio in the area we can record. MJ’s taken the top three most requested songs from our shows and wants to start pushing through his channels. Knight’s Dream now has national recognition and our numbers have grown significantly, as well. Even in my depressed state of mind, I’ve gotten excited about this step. Today is the first day in the studio.

  When we walk in, I laugh because it’s just like the small space we went to record for Jay last spring. The difference in this studio is we will work the four days to get the sounds right and when we head out, MJ will work with the sound technicians to perfect the songs. He’ll send us the final cut for approval. Once we saw what he did with Knight’s Dream, we agreed completely.

  We work for hours until my part is done and I sit on the couch to listen to Blake go over the riffs. I pull my phone out of my pocket and immediately send Raven a text.

  Hey babe, we are in a studio, in Charleston. I think you would love it here. I know I haven’t called you since Ella’s birthday, but I wanted to give you space. I love you so much. Please tell me you’re coming home to me.

  When I press send, I realize it’s the middle of the night in Paris and my mind goes to her in bed. Then I think about Finn so close and my body tenses up. I can’t breathe in the small space, so I leave the building to go outside and get some air.

  It’s not really a pleasant night, but I light a cigarette and lean against the side of the building. Smoking has become my vice. It gives me a good excuse to step away anytime I feel suffocated.

  After Ella’s birthday, I tried my best to put my grudge against Cooper, Blake, and Nate behind me. I took most of the blame and guilt, but part of me feels as betrayed as Raven. I know they felt terrible before we left Nashville, but now that my fiancée has left me, they’ve become absolutely unbearable. I hear them talking about me at night, when they think I’m asleep. Blake wants Charlie to intervene, but she refuses. Nate wants to keep me busy, so he tries to take me out every night. Even when I sit across from him and don’t say anything for hours, he th
inks it’s good I’m off the bus. Cooper tries to fill our days with music, which actually helps. He has a keyboard on the bus and when we’re traveling, we use the time to put together the notes. I think we actually have a hit under our belt, but it is so different from our other sounds. This is raw, gritty and extremely dark. We’re going to put it together tomorrow and let MJ decide.

  The guys walk out of the studio as I finish my third cigarette.

  “Why don’t we hit the bar across the street? I could use a drink.” Nate asks the group. Cooper and Blake nod in agreement.

  “It’s our only night off for the next three, you sure that’s a good idea?” I point out.

  “Yeah, man, I think it’s a great idea. Come on with us.”

  I motion for him to lead the way and follow.

  Once we get a table I realize this is a bad idea. Nate and Cooper encourage every girl that looks our way to join our table. Pretty soon we’re surrounded by at least seven females trying to get our attention in every way. One tries to sit on my lap. I give her my chair and go to the bar.

  Ryan and the rest of his band come in. Ryan joins me while the other guys go to the table and are immediately assaulted by barely dressed females. I’ve already drank more than enough for a healthy buzz, but I still feel the pain. I need more to make it go away.

  We do a few shots and talk about our time in the studio today. Ryan is a good guy, and he isn’t into the party scene as much as the others. He’s been a friend to me even though I’ve been a complete jackass. I get a good buzz going and excuse myself to go smoke.

  I light a cigarette as soon as I find the alley designated for smokers. No one is out here, and I enjoy the silence. My mind is buzzing with Jack Daniels when someone touches me.

  “Hey there, this is where you ran off too.” The blonde from the table is standing in front of me rubbing her hands lightly down my arms. When she reaches my waist, she comes in closer and rubs her chest against mine. “Your friends said you’re going through a tough break-up. I thought maybe I could help you keep your mind off her for a while.”

  “Nah, I’m okay.” Even though I said it, I didn’t convince myself. Fuck! Why did I have to drink so much? She doesn’t move away but instead starts kissing down my neck. Her hands find the waistband of my jeans, and she starts to unbutton me. I sway to the right, but she holds me up. I’m trying to tell her to stop, but my tongue is swollen in my mouth. I can’t talk. Her hands travel to my bare ass and my jeans slip down. I see her lick her lips through the slits in my eyes. She sees my apa.

  “Hey man, I got worried.” Ryan breaks through my haze. “Sorry, honey. You need to go back inside. I don’t know what your friends told you, but this one isn’t available.” He points to me.

  “But they said he’s the lead singer. They’re all hooked up inside.” She whines so loud that I cringe. God she sounds annoying. I wish I could see straight and talk so I could tell her to leave me alone.

  “Declan, pull up your pants. You’re going with me. I’ll be right back; I’m going to walk this Bunny to her friends.” I shake my head to him and button my jeans. I barely remember anything after that except passing out to the face of my beautiful Sparkle.

  *****

  The next morning I wake up feeling like shit. I don’t recognize where I am, and I’m pretty sure I’m going to throw up.

  “You awake, Sleeping Beauty?” Ryan asks from the other bed.

  “What the fuck happened? Where am I?”

  “After I saved your ass from the blonde, I brought you back here.”

  Images flash in my mind, and I remember. “Fuck! Did she touch my dick?”

  “No, I heard the guys at the table telling her you were going through a tough break-up and she offered to make you feel better. I watched her disappear and then followed her. I got there in time.”

  “Man, I owe you. I would never forgive myself if something happened. I must have drank more than I thought.”

  “Yeah, I want to talk to you about that. I have a pretty good idea of what happened because this group of guys’ gossip like old women. But, I’m worried about you. Raven seems like a cool chick, and I’m pretty sure you can work things out if you straighten up.”

  “What the fuck does that mean?”

  “Calm down, I’m not always going to be around to help you out. You may want to keep your drinking in check.”

  He’s right. I’ve completely turned to the bottle. This has to stop. “You’re right man, I’m a fucking mess. I don’t know what I’ll do if she doesn’t take me back.”

  “Let me help. She definitely won’t take you back if she finds out you get drunk and get blowjobs in back alleys.”

  “What are you gonna do?”

  “For starters, we’re going for a run and then we’re going to hit the hotel gym. This afternoon let’s jam before the show tonight.”

  “Okay, but let me get changed and possibly throw up. Then I’m going to beat the shit out of my band.”

  “Declan, say what you have to–get it off your chest–then let it go. These guys want you to be happy again and if helps, I don’t think Blake was involved.”

  “Yeah, thanks. I’ll meet you out front in half an hour.”

  When I get to my room, Blake is sprawled out on his bed snoring. He hears the door slam and jumps up. “Declan, I didn’t have anything to do what that girl. I swear.”

  “Lucky for fucking all of you, Ryan came to my rescue. I was too fucking drunk to fend her off. But forget it. I’ll take it up with Cooper and Nate later.”

  I get dressed and meet Ryan in the courtyard. As soon as we hit a stride, I start to feel better. Listening to my playlist, I think about the days until Raven comes home.

  Chapter 6

  I’m Shattered

  Raven

  The last five weeks have been nothing shy of amazing. Finn and I had two more long weekends and spent them in the city. We’ve visited every place on my list; including a few I’d never heard about. Finn took me on a picnic to the Luxembourg Palace and Gardens last weekend, and we stayed for hours. We tried to go to the Pont des Arts but as soon as I saw the street musicians, I started to cry. Finn pulled me away, and we went to Notre Dame instead.

  I was worried things would be awkward between us after his declaration of love, but it hasn’t at all. If anything, we’re closer. He gives me space but still finds ways to touch or kiss me sweetly. Even though we don’t have sex, he sleeps in my room at night holding me close. Declan’s texts are less frequent. Since I never replied to his message in Charleston, I assume he finally accepted we needed space.

  I broke down last week crying, telling Finn I felt like I was stringing him along. He assured me that he was a patient man and knew taking any kind of a romantic relationship with me would take time. He’s so fucking amazing.

  I no longer cry when I update Sayge’s Facebook page or when I see pictures of Declan. I think this is a sign of my heart mending. Charlie is visiting Sayge this weekend in Richmond.

  Finn agreed to go with me today to mail my gift’s home and do one last tour through the city. In the last seven weeks, I have taken over five hundred pictures. I tried last night to go through them, but decided this was a task I could do on the plane next week. It’s hard to believe my eight weeks is almost up.

  It’s a beautiful day as Finn and I walk around. We stop at our favorite café for lunch, and he holds my hand the entire time. I feel like there’s something he wants to tell me, but he’s being quiet. When I ask him, he smiles and says there’s nothing wrong.

  We go to a small bar near the house and have drinks while listening to a jazz band. Finn and I dance several times and he holds me close. This man is perfect in every way. So why the hell can’t I move forward?

  When we get home, Finn goes to shower, and I check my messages. Charlie leaves me a message sounding drunk, asking me to call her, and when she answers there’s loud noise in the background.

  “Rave?”

  “Hi, I just
got your message. Are you drunk at three in the afternoon?”

  “Yeah, I’m about to go take a nap. The guys had some sort of afternoon jam session and it was fun. I drank beer the whole time.”

  “Okay, well why did you call me?”

  “I wanted to let you know that I don’t think anything happened”

  “Happened where?”

  “With that girl. She’s posting all these pictures, but I haven’t seen her since.”

  “What are you talking about?”

  “The girl from last night. The one on Sayge’s bus.”

  “Again, what are you talking about?”

  “Some bitch slipped through security and was seen leaving the bus about forty five minutes later.”

  Bile rises in my throat, and I try to stop the tears. “Who was on the bus Charlie, was Declan in there alone?”

  Silence.

  “Charlie, I asked you a question.”

  “Yeah, Raven, he was. But I’m serious, I don’t think anything happened.”

  I choke back my sob and try to compose myself. “It doesn’t matter. I knew this may happen. Declan likes sex, and I told him we were on a break. I asked for space. I should have expected this.”

  “Rave–”

  “No, I have to go. I’ll be home next week, love you.” I hang up before she can say anything.

  I hear the shower running in the other bathroom, and I jump off my bed. Stripping off my clothes, I grab my towel and walk to the bathroom. When I open the door, steam rolls out and Finn’s silhouette fills the shower curtain. I drop my towel and pullback the curtain enough for me to step in.

  Finn’s back is to me, and I watch him rinse out his hair. When he turns around, his eyes grow wide as he glances up and down my naked body. He opens his mouth to speak, but I jump on him and slam my mouth to his. He catches me and my legs slide around his waist, he hardens against me. He gently pulls my hair back so I break our kiss and look into his eyes. They’re full of hesitation and desire. When he tries to speak, I put my finger against his lips and shake my head.